More Drama by the Baby Mama!

[downazzchick]

Here we sit again on our weekend to have our SD, CS paid up, and no time with our precious daughter. DH called BM earlier this week and let her know we are going to come and get her for the weekend. She automatically says NO. Why? No Reply!

Anyway SD already knows her daddy called and told her mom that he was coming and when she found out she couldn't go she was pissed. She had to sneak and call me when her mom was gone.

This child cried to me on the phone telling me how she is so tired of her moma and all her crap. SD says that she doesn't have any freedom and she can never go anywhere. She says that all she'll be doing is sitting in her room (which she shares with 2 other siblings) and sleep all day.

This has placed me in a bad position because I have committed not to talk to the SD in a negative way about her mother. I want to reach out to this child and don't know what to do. DH is mad at BM because she refuses to allow the child visitation time and he tells me just to leave it alone. Try not to get close to SD because we have been hurt so many times. Dispite my DH wishes i agreed to meet SD for lunch for private meeting because she was so upset.

When I got there this poor baby threw her arms around my neck. I felt so sorry for her. She is not a baby and knows what is going on. Since today is Friday and DH and BM convo has had several days to cool down SD said that she asked BM to go to Daddy's house again. SD said BM cursed her and said Hell no and don't ask her again. SD announced that BM has met a new guy that works and has his own place. SD said that they will be moving in with this guy next week. SD was so upset. She says that BM just met the guy a couple of months ago. SD was almost in tears saying that this is not the first time that BM has given up her public housing for a guy. SD did not hold anything back. She says that her mom looks for men who have stability and then she will move out of her public housing so that the men can support her. SD says when mom and the man have a fight they (SD and her other siblings) move back in with her grandmother until BM can apply for housing again. She says that they have put their stuff in storage so many times and even lived with people they did not know. SD says that she is just tired of all this. She says as long as she can remember she has never had a place that she can call her home. She says she feels confortable at her grandmothers house more than any other place including our house. SD says that people don't even know who she is because she changes schools so much. She says that she can't wait to get a job and get her a car so she can just get away. SD says she doesn't want to move in with another strange man. I told SD that she is always welcomed to come and stay at our house. She knows that, but she also knows that our house is strict, but appropriate for her. She has already made the Drill Team at her school and now she is going to have to change schools again. This is the 3rd High School she will have to attend in 1 year and she is only in the 9th grade.
I asked SD why she thought her mom said no and she said probably because BM wants her to help pack boxes. SD is so mad. I could just see the frustration in her face and I was just lost for words because this was a shock for me as well. Most of the time when she moves we have a hard time finding her again. SD told me the apartments that the new boyfriend lives in and I guess I can go snooping around until I find out where they are living. I haven't told DH about this just yet because he told me to just leave it alone.

Let me know what I should do. I would like to know what exactly to tell SD because she is reaching out to me for guidance and I just don't know what to tell her. I tell her I love her and she knows this. I am her friend, but I am also a parent to her. I repremand her like i would my own kids. I want to stay within my boundaries though. I don't want her to regret telling me, but i have got to tell DH at some point. I'm also worried about her safety. She has never said it, but i bet she has been a victim of sexual abuse because of the way she acts toward boys. She's looking for an out and I think that she may runaway from home. Somebody help me please....I need some good advice. Please don't reply with amateur criticism. Thanks

[nomoredrama]

Downazz, I am so sorry for what you, your DH, and your SD is going thru. I understand completely your concern for your SD's safety. Can you mention to your DH what you "think" may be happening? You don't have to mention that your SD told you, but just tell him you believe BM may be moving in with another man. I know that not being completely honest with your DH may concern you, but you also want to keep your SD's confidence. Perhaps you can mention that your SD is a teenager and you are concerned that they BM is making unwise choices and putting his daughter in danger. We know that sexual abuse does occur and many times it occurs due to circumstances that the BM is putting your SD in. You don't have to betray your SD's confidence, but you can simply tell him what your concerns are.

It sounds as though SD is more comfortable at her grandmother's house...Is her grandmother able to care for her? Since your SD is a teenager now (9th grade), I believe that she is able to give feedback as to where she wants to stay. If SD's grandmother is able to care for her and enforce boundaries, perhaps you can encourage your SD to talk to grandmother about obtaining custody. Or, perhaps you can talk to your DH about obtaining custody...I know pursuing custody is time-consuming and can be costly (believe me, I know) but perhaps it won't be too much if SD can say decisively where she wants to reside and why.

Again, I completely sympathize with you. It is a horrible situation and it is pitiful that the BM is so scandalous and selfish.

[wbmama]

Wow...that poor kid. I've got a couple of ideas or approaches - see what you think.

-she is old enough to tell a Judge where she wants to live. Talk to DH (he may get a little mad it you - but he needs to hear about what's going on with her). Talk to him about taking that child outta that situation. I kinda' disagree with Tellit (sorry) you need to tell DH everything - even that you suspect abuse. DH can do plently about what's going on without SD knowing it came from you.

Here's another thought...
-in my state you can make a report with child protective services. you can do it without giving your name or you can give your name. The family will be investigated. And then maybe the STATE will pull the child out of the home.

I feel for ya Downazz. I'm in the same situation (in a way). I know my SS is not living in the best enviorment - I know BM is totally screwing that kid up - our hands are tied. We've tried all the above. Nothing worked.

Just keep being there for her. DH is having a hard time because he feel helpless - right? Talk to him.
Girl, you have the power when it comes to DH....know what I mean (wink wink)...

[downazzchick]

Thanks for the advice.

I asked SD who she felt most confortable with and she said the grandmother. Grandmother will take the child if she has too (ie. BM dies or goes to jail, BM fall deathly ill), but her health is failing and SD would be another burden on her. I don't think the conditions that SD lives in necessarily warrants calling CPS because BM is a clean person and takes care of her kids. SD just has a lot of responsibility. I asked SD who is going to take care of her siblings when she is gone. She says she doesn't care. SD has been taking care of her siblings for a long time now. Can you believe when we are on the phone BM will get on the phone to interrupt the phone call to tell SD to go change a diaper or that a baby is crying. Y?
BM choices are just not in order. As for reporting the abuse I don't know if anything really happened because SD has not said anything to us about that. She just has a non chalant attitude toward boys and other men. Most girls her age are boy crazy, at least i know i was. She is a very beautiful girl and she just laughed at me when i asked her did she likes girls. Well, you know i had to know. I don't want to break her trust in me by telling my DH because he will go off on BM and we won't be able to see SD again until next year (income tax time) that's when she get's buck wild and lets her go. Still confused. I want SD to feel like she can come to our home as a get away if she needs that, but she does not. I was thinking because right now when she comes they just kind of camp out in the LV to sleep and she puts her stuff in one of my kids room. My kids have their own room. Do you think this is problem for her? I never try to exclude her, but my feelings are kinda hurt because she did not say that she was coming to live with us. we even live in the same school district so she would not have to change schools again......?

[awsomalx]

If SD is a teen she can choose which parent whe wants to stay with (at least here in Tejas, once the child turns 12 they can make the choice)

[downazzchick]

She is 15. I was trying to avoid going to court to settle this, but we might have to. Going to court will also bring to light the fact that she has not been following the current court order that we have. Only thing is I haven't been on my game. I use to record all contact we had with her and now I don't. I do know the weekends that SD comes to visit and it is not often. Everytime she comes I make sure I get a bunch of pictures of all of us together because it will be a while when she visits again.

[nomoredrama]

Downazz, you mentioned that SD sleeps in the living room when she visits you & DH. Is it possible or her to have her own room when she visits? I don't know if it is possible, but it may start to make SD feel more comfortable. Or, do you have a den that you can convert into a bedroom? Is your SD adamant that she does not want to live with you & DH? Or, is she kind of open to it?

[downazzchick]

When she comes all the kids sleep in the lv like a big slumber party. I have the space for her to have her own room, but I don't want to change anything if she is not going to be there. SD already knows she can come to live, but she knows her mom will not let her so she doesn't even consider us an option. When I talked to her yesterday she was saying her grandmother, her aunt, or a friend of her mother's was who she was gonna ask to move with. The way my house is set up it is functional for us. We use every room in the house and since she does not visit often(like almost not at all) it really hasn't been an issue with us. I can definately change things around in the house to accomodate her being there, but I don't want to spend my money and time for nothing.

[memslfni]

Hey Downazz, u seem to have a tough situation on ur hands..I cant say I've been in that situation as a parent/stepparent. But I do know from what u tell me, that the bm uses the daughter as her little slave. Obviously thats a plus for the bm because it relieves her of her parental responsibilites. Is sd rebellious towards her mom in any way? Because i've seen situations where the child becomes so much of a handful( in a rebellious way) to the parent at hand. Putting the parent in a situation where she doesnt have time to deal with bad attitudes, bad grades, rolling eyes at the new bf. Pretty much making her moms life a living hell. I know this sounds like bad advise, but its the only thing I can think that I've actually seen work. The outcomes are usually that the parent at hand gets so frustated and eventually looks to pawn the child off onto someone else i.e. Father, grandparent etc...Your SD might be just be trying to avoid the drama between u and dh vs. her mother. Which is why she prefers to live with gp, aunt , moms friend. Even if it did go that way, it could be temporary til the smoke clears then she can come stay with you and dh. I know this might sound crazy, so let me know what u think?

[downazzchick]

SD is a sweety. BM is so mean and so much bigger than SD she would never try that. BM is heavy set and tall. She would crush SD if she tried anything with her. SD says that she is scared of her mom and she tries to avoid drama at all costs.
I finally brought myself around to tell DH and he says that we will get an attorney to settle this. We went over the CS order last night and have come to the conclusion that we can not successfully reason with this woman without going through the courts.

[destini1969]

Good for you guys, I am soooo happy you told DH. He should be aware of the contact you are having with SD. Thanks for keeping us posted on this and the court is the best way to try to get this resolved. The SD should be able to advise the courts on where she prefers to reside.

[downazzchick]

We will be out of more $$$$ because of this. Money we could spend on SD drill team camp this summer. She says she's not going because BM can't afford it. Every time we have went to court they ask that you not bring the children so it may not be an option for SD to voice her opinion about the situation.

[wbmama]

I think that's great Downazz. Knew DH would understand. Keep in mind - sometimes these CBMs don't care what the court says. In your case, SD will have a voice and it will work to your favor.
Keep us informed.