Epiphany this morning...

[nomoredrama]

I was thinking this morning about all that DH & I have gone thru with BM. After over 12 years, one would think that life would have gone on...BM has apologized several times for her treatment of us. She recognized what she has done to us both.

A lot of what I post about in this discussion group was done in the past (early in our marriage or before we got married). I realized that I still harbor resentment against BM for what she has done to me: physical assault, verbal attacks, etc. I can remember it all like it was yesterday. When BM does something now, it all comes flooding back to the service. Even though BM has asked for my forgiveness several times and I told her that I have forgiven her, I realize in my heart that I have not TRULY forgiven her. It is easy to say that you forgive but it is darn hard to forget...I will have to pray about that and turn it over to God. Cutting off contact with the BM has given me peace of mind all ready. I think that it will also help me to resolve the anger (yes, the anger) that I still have towards her.

But then I realized why BM acts the way she does...She has admitted to me that I have never done anything to her but love her child (her words). BM said she treats me like she does because of her feelings against DH. But, the BM has asked us for forgiveness but she is having a difficult time resolving the anger that she has against my DH for what she perceives he did to her.

She & I have apologized to one another (once before) for our behavior towards one another when we were younger. But I don't believe DH has never apologized to BM. DH just doesn't deal with her & I think that angers her even more. Therefore, she tries to make OUR lives miserable to punish him. She is trying to show DH that if you don't want to deal with me, then you can't deal with your child (now teenager). She wants him to know, you will not come to your daughter except thru her. Keia, yes I agree with you now about this.

What is the point of this post? I have no idea. It was just on my mind, so I decided to write about it. Thanks for reading.

[lovejones08]

tellit, don't feel bad about your anger. Anger is normal feeling, but it is how you deal with it. On this site you really can't self disclose all of your business, but you know everything that is going on in your situation. Again, I say yes it is your business because you are is wife, but it's how you approach this business that makes a world of a difference. Staying out of it is not possible but relinquinshing personal contact with BM would probably be the best way to go about everything. Just try to remember that you can't fix DHs situation only he can crank that engine but you can be a good support system for him and his child and voice your opinion to him only when it is really necessary or when he asked for your opinion and sometimes but very short but sweet when giving your opinion to him. You didn't have the baby with her so there for you don't have to deal with the stressful situation firsthand (thirdhand maybe). Now when he attacks you in any form you have the right to express yourself to her as you see fit (hopefully in a mature, smart, but firm manner - it's hard) no matter what BMs reason is for lashing out at you because she needs to know that it's not going down like that , so try again. It's hard to stop being angry when you've been angry for so long. It is a process and only those who have not experienced this wholeheartedly will totally understand and give you a voice of sound reason, but this is a step to overcoming your anger being truthful with yourself about you.