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Post by honeydee on Jul 21, 2010 11:41:19 GMT -5
Hello, this is my first time here and my first time in love with a BD. All my life, I have steered away from men with children because I never wanted to deal with the BMD. However, I have managed to let myself slip and fall for a BD who is otherwise a wonderful man. He recently broke up with his BM after dating her for 10 years and they have two children. We started dating just before she moved out back in Jan. There were no issues at first, probably because she thought he was eventually going to run after her. But we have had a whirlwind romance ever since she left and couldn't be more happy. Now that she realizes he is in love with another woman, the BMD starts. She is beginning to find more and more reasons to call on him for "help". Constantly using her children as reason to have him come to aid. He totally adores his kids and does any and everything for them, but it interferes in our relationship when he has cut our quality time short because "the kids" need him. I am trying to be patient, because I have a child of my own and I know what it is like to want to do everything you can to make them happy. But even as a single mom, I am able to take care of my child and not let it interfere with our relationship. So, now that I got all the background info out, I would like to have some objective opinions about how to deal with this current sitch. She moved to an area where there is no public trans and works in the city. Her car broke down and has been in the shop for weeks. He gave her the money to fix it, but she went to the boat and now wants more. He said no and now she has no way to work in the morning. He then let her use his second car and she blew the motor and still has not been working on getting her car fixed. She had been staying with her best friend in the city but they fell out a few days ago. She has now imposed on him to sleep at his house for a few days. I didn't trip the first couple days, but now it's been almost a week and she's still there. He claims he has no feelings for her and they sleep in separate rooms and barely talk to each other without arguing. I trust him, but I really don't think her staying with him this long is appropriate. Am I wrong? I also told him he should stop coming to her aid so much and make her be a real woman and contribute more to co-parenting. He says it will take time but he is working on it. I don't mean to seem selfish or impatient, but at the same time I don't think it is fair to me that he let's her manipulate him so much. I am trying to figure out how to deal with these feelings since I am new to this. Any advice is much appreciated.
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Post by jaylady999 on Jul 21, 2010 12:47:43 GMT -5
First off, how old are the kids in this situation? Not that it matters in the grand scheme of things, but I ask because a lot of times if the kids are younger, its a little more difficult for a BD to seperate his children from their mother.
BUT as to her staying at his crib? Thats a big NO-NO! No other way around this one. Its wrong. He is obligated to his children, not their mother. IF the kids need somewhere to live, he should willfully provide that for them. But not the BM.
No you are not overreating. In fact I think you are underreacting(if thats a word.LOL).
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Post by honeydee on Jul 21, 2010 13:10:55 GMT -5
His kids are 8 and 2 and I agree that makes a difference. I met them a couple of times and we even went to the waterpark last weekend. We hit it off great and they were crazy about me. (But they don't know who I am just yet.....trying to get them to know me better first.) I just don't know how to approach the sitch and give constructive advice without thinking that I'm coming off as being selfish. I admit that I am a "nice guy" but I don't want to be too soft. One thing I have learned in my old age (BTW - I'm 38 and they are 30) is that you have to set the tone of a relationship in the beginning. If I let him get away with this now he will think he always can. But I don't want to seem too pushy and scare him off. Confused....
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Post by jaylady999 on Jul 21, 2010 15:14:56 GMT -5
I completely understand your position. Let me ask you, how long have you two been dating?
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Post by honeydee on Jul 21, 2010 15:35:15 GMT -5
We met briefly years ago through mutual friends but I was married at the time and paid no attention. I divorced in June 2009 and starting noticing men again. We starting seeing each other in November but didn't become officially until BM moved out early Jan. We fell n love very quickly....mainly because we spent a lot of time together (3-4 nights a week) and have a lot in common. But now that I am seeing him less and constantly being bothered with BM, it's really affecting me. It doesn't change the way that I feel about him, but I wish things didn't have to change for our realtionship. I'm hoping it will blow over, but I need help trying to deal with it in case it doesn't. I know every sitch is different, but just wondering what an objective opinion would be.
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Post by memyslfni on Jul 21, 2010 16:12:55 GMT -5
Hmmm, reading this reminds me of the times my BF of 5yrs used to spend nights at BM's house if he expected to spend any quality time with his kids. But at that time we just weren't serious enough for me to give a shyt. But had he not made adjustments to that routine as time passed, I would eventually had faded away.
Now if he expected me to stick around, then things had to change. The more adjustments he made, the more I contributed to it being an US. In other words, when he moved...I moved ;D
I, at one point, came to the conclusion that everyone is single until binded together through marriage. I owe him nothing, he owes me nothing and I'm free to walk away just as much as he is. This way of thinking and keeping in mind that the only actions we have control over are our own, helped me ride it out... ;D
Now with BM sleeping at your mans house, all I can say is...In the meantime and in between time, explore all your options. Weigh out the pro's and con's of the situation. Is he giving her a certain amount of time to get her shyt together or is he being a pushover?? There's going to have to be lots of communication if a relationship is expected to survive a sitch like this.
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Post by honeydee on Jul 21, 2010 17:04:41 GMT -5
Great advice, thanks!
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Post by jaylady999 on Jul 21, 2010 17:04:57 GMT -5
Great points Memy!!!  |
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Post by memy on Jul 21, 2010 17:36:15 GMT -5
Thx Jay! It feels good to be "ahead of the class", thx to my cyber chicas  Anytime Honeydee, Welcome to BMD www.ebonyblendedfamilies.proboards.com/Here's another good forum for u to check out....c ya there ;D |
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Post by jaylady999 on Jul 21, 2010 17:56:12 GMT -5
See ya there honey!
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ayzha
Junior Member
Posts: 97
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Post by ayzha on Jul 26, 2010 21:10:41 GMT -5
Being that you and your SO are relatively new dating there are many issues especially since you are the first serious relationship that he has had since the break up. I think that we get the full force BMD. In my case, SS was two months when my SO and BM broke up. She kicked him out to teach him a lesson. I was living with a roommate at the time so anytime my SO wanted to see his son, he would be at bm house during the week. He never spent the night but he did spend between 4-6 hours every other day. When I still had a roommate and was going out it didnt really bother me much. They went trick or treating together as I waited at his mom house for him. Today I can sit back and say that he still had feelings for her but she just wasnt the one. The closer we became things started to bother me. We eventually moved in together and I would find myself at home like 3-5 hours after I got off work by myself or with SS6. I would think to myself that they were not a real family because I had SS6 that lives with my SO and I full time.
The arguements started getting bad because I started to feel as if my SO had two families. My SO would argue that he wants for his son to know who his daddy is and would decrease as got older. I never thought that there was anything going on but I still felt that it was unnecessary. He said that the baby needed his mom and was breastfeeding intially. He said that she misses the baby from working and wants to spend time with the baby. She lives 40 minutes away with no car.
I finally make a big deal about it when BM sent a picture in the baby bag of my SO and her but my SO had no shirt on. I ripped the picture. That was my final straw and things had to change. He said that he would only pick him up. The picture was from when potty training baby and he pee on my SO shirt. I did recall that instance of him telling me but I was made that BM decided to grab a camera and take a picture. I proved to him that she felt like she was visiting her too.
When he stopped going over there during the week and only picking up the baby on a weekend day, bm would text that this is another day that Im reminded that I dont get to see you to my SO. I was pointing out to him that she wanted to spend time with him. When the baby was sick, he went by there during the week. SHe then text was that so bad to hang out here with me and the baby.
After almost two years BM decided to finally meet me. All the crazy text stopped. She no longer sent pictures with her in them to our house because I guess she was smart enough to realize that I was destroying them.
When I think about it now I dont know why I did it. I didnt have this site. None of my friends were BM or dealt with BM and I was all along. I realize that I should have given them time apart before jumping into anything. It would be less drama. I actually wouldnt mind being the second or third girlfriend after the fact but the positives are the kids respect me and see me as a mom figure too. Plus my SO appreciates all that I have done staying by his side. He knows my limit and what I wont take and what makes me mad because Im the only one that he has dealt with bmd with.
Dont let me scare you but just know that drama is worst in the beginning but eventually you should see changes. You do have to speak up though. Nagging does work., lol.
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Post by notyourmananymore on Jan 27, 2011 17:40:13 GMT -5
He owes her nothing . It's ok for the children to stay thier but not her, and he is also disrespecting your relationship by allowing her to stay at his home. He can't have his cake and eat it too. Also you deserve better than that. DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO FALL ANY FUTHER IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN. He needs to get his sh**t together. seriously
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Post by youknow on Feb 24, 2011 17:19:57 GMT -5
Why in the heck do so many females have a me or your BM type attitude. I agree men are slick and females too. But somtimes you just have to mutually agree on set boundaries. As far as my DH's exwife's son. Once we officially move in together last minute drop off's have GOT to go. Just because he's not at her disposal and we may have our own plans. It would be okay sometimes if it's something serious or if he just wants to come over and we have no plans. But we will have to sit down and discuss those things. My major concern is that she may brainwash the boy against me and my son. Then he will have to go. She may not though. But I'm sure that once we have our child she will begin to feel insecure and that insecurity may transfer over to the child. But thank God I'm an RN and I can spot psychological issues a mile away. I'm ready for them. Armed and dangerous. LOL. The bible says prepare for war in a time of peace. If she don't start nothing it won't be nothing. But I gotta sneaky lil feeling she gon try me outta jealousy and spite. She strike me as that type of chick. But I won't ever give her cause to think it bothers me even the slighest. I will simply wave my daughter in her face and my ring. Nuff said. She's old news. ;D
How do I know she's going to do it because he wanted the divorce. She wanted to try to work it out. He called me shortly after he made the MISTAKE with her cause we've known each other ever since I was 19 and he was like 22. Now were like 28 and 30. He's a great guy she KNOW's she messed up. That's why she wanted to try to work it out. But he's moved on. Put your big girl panties on and GET over IT. ;D
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Post by notyourmananymore on Mar 20, 2011 15:05:23 GMT -5
To memyslfni you really controdict yourself, sounds to me that you want to be involved with drama. Your not the only one with ring from a BD and you don't have to have kids with BD to earn the status of becoming a wife. To the original poster HoneyDee when the break up is new the problems are larger. Step back observe the relationship between the two of them it will open your eyes and tell you if you want to stay or leave . Aproach him with things you don't feel comfortable with. At this time you need to pay close attention trust me you will know. "Everything is new pay attention".
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Post by fukallbms on Mar 21, 2011 20:01:20 GMT -5
Man. All i had to was read the botton last part. This motherfudda bungee jumping that broad.
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