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Post by wbmama on Apr 30, 2008 18:34:24 GMT -5
Well, here's the deal. DH and I have agreed to some major changes. His idea - I supported him. BM has disregarded every bit of the court order. Its been signed for several months now and we've barely seen SS - never talk to him on the phone - well, you know the story... He's decided not to use the attorney anymore. BM don't care what any attorney, judge or JC himself says...she'll do what she wants.
Anyway, we've decided to step back and let her initiate the correct visitation and calls etc...(in other words, we're putting the ball in her court). She goes on and on how she wants the best for her son and yet won't allow him to develop a relationship with Dh, brothers, sister, aunts, uncles, grandparents etc. We need a drama break.
DH has mailed her a letter. Very nice and simple - it basically says that he wants a relationship with son - tired of fighting with her - knows she'll fight forever - so he's putting the ball in her court.
So what do you think the CBM will do once she gets the letter? Should be tomorrow.
Is she going to go quiet? Start following the court order? Raise he(( and blame me for everything? What do you think?
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Post by awsomalx on Apr 30, 2008 18:40:08 GMT -5
She's going to blame you (she'll think it was your idea ) and still continue to be a pain in the arse.
I applaud your hubby for taking the stance ( I would of skipped the letter but.........)
Trust me, I know it'll be hard on him menatlly but if he sticks to his guns, he'll come out alright.
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Post by nomoredrama on Apr 30, 2008 19:42:51 GMT -5
I think that she will raise holy u know what when she gets the letter. But, I think that if your DH does not respond in kind, she won't have anyone to raise H#ll with, so she will have to calm down.
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Post by destini1969 on Apr 30, 2008 20:28:14 GMT -5
Okay so everyone agrees she will raise holy heck! This is going to be your fault, I hope you know that, she might even go as far and say you wrote the letter. Probably call your house and curse you out for putting those words in his mouth and writing the letter. You will be called every name but your God given one.
You and DH are doing the best thing for all involved but PLEASSSE try not to respond when she calls you going off!
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Post by downazzchick on Apr 30, 2008 21:28:30 GMT -5
You know we have done this before and all BM did was stay stuck in her corner being selfish with the child. DH and I never got to see the child. We were so hurt behind it. BM pregnant doged to the whole family that he was a dead beat and was not doing his job, and i was standing in the way of his relationship with his child and when we would see them in passing we would see SD with too little clothes and shoes on. So people would come back and jump on us for treating the child this way. BM made sure that she stayed close to someone in the family so she could attend family events and know what was going on with us. Crazy B. Your plan may backfire on you, but I can't wait to hear her response. You know destini is right it will be your fault because you don't want your DH to have any part of his childs life. You are just selfish and want him all to your self. (Well that is what they said to me when we used this tactic!)
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Post by cloudy752001 on Apr 30, 2008 23:06:48 GMT -5
She's going to keep quiet and here's why...
She knows that that letter is untrue. But he is giving in
to what she wants and that's as long as he's with you, NO you may not see the SS. That's giving her the opportunity to poison that child's mind by saying "you see, daddy never wanted anything to do with you." As the child grows, they will begin to see that daddy didn't call, because you know that she is not going to show the child any correspondence from your DH, nor is she going to tell him about all the times he tried to connect with his son.
If anything, that is total vindication for her. She will eat that up. She may never let him see your SS (his son.) This happenend to my ex-hubby. Now the daughter calls him by his first name (and also some other not-to-mention names,) disrepects him every chance she gets, and treats him like crap. My ex tried to let her know how much he tried to contact her, drop by her home to visit (which the BM moved frequently and didn't give the address,) and tried for years to be just a father to her. He reminds her of how much he loves her and wants to be a part of her life. But she's not having it. The BM has gotten to her so bad that it's like she's possessed and living through the BM and how she used to be when the daughter was too young to understand.
So if you two want a break, that's cool, but don't give up the good fight for long; even if it takes years.
That agreement may produce a negative outcome.
Oh and when I say the letter is untrue, she knows that he wants to be involved with that child and NOT really on her terms. And now that letter may be admissible to a court, which may work in her favor as well. A real sticky situation you got there...
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Post by wbmama on May 1, 2008 5:12:45 GMT -5
Thanks a lot for the imput. I'll let you know what happens. And the letter was written so as if she tries to use it in court - it will ONLY make her look bad. It (the letter) points out everything that she has done against the agreement (closed email contact w/DH - turned off her home phone). Its really a "cover DH"s azz kinda letter. She should get it today.
We just need a break from her. And I believe the letter will explain (in court if needed) why we're not getting to see the child. It could backfire - with that CBM - anything is possible....LOL
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Post by nomoredrama on May 1, 2008 10:00:38 GMT -5
If what I understand to be correct wbmama, didn't the letter state that the BD wants a relationship with his son but is tired of fighting with the BM? If that is the case, I don't believe there is a way the BM can use it against your DH. He is not saying, "I don't want anything to do with my son." The letter is a good starting point. It is directly from your DH written to the BM. He is trying to establish communication between just the two of them so that they can work out amicably how to parent their child together but apart.
Your DH can also use the letter as a starting point as well. If BM still refuses to allow DH to visit with his son, he can use it as leverage and use the legal system to his advantage. Since his BM is in the same state, he can contact the BM & tell her (based on custody or visitation agreement) that he is exercising his visitation rights. He should let her know when he will be at her house to pickup his child. If BM responds negatively or is not home when he gets there, he should document it and immediately file a civil contempt charge against BM because she is disobeying a court order. She will be served with a summons to court. Your DH can then present his "evidence" and the BM will have to answer to i. The judge may at first admonish her & order her to follow the court order...Your DH needs to continue to follow this pattern. The judge will soon tire of seeing BM in his court room and become sick of her refusal to follow the court order. The BM may be found in indirect contempt of court. The judge can exercise his right to take the child away from her and grant custody to your DH.
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Post by lovejones08 on May 1, 2008 16:13:21 GMT -5
Did you xerox sign and date the letter before you gave it to her? If you didn't that would have probably kept him a little bit more secure in the situation to be able to prove him attempts.
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Post by wbmama on May 3, 2008 5:31:47 GMT -5
Oh yeah, we have file full of emails, letter, logs of phone calls, etc, all kinds of attempts. And by the way, we haven't heard a word from her. She's got the letter by now. The weekend's not over yet.
She's a hothead - gets pissed and reacts with stupid emails or phone calls. This letter probably pissed her off and she didn't react (not her normal MO). She's working something else.
OH... and she left a message on our home phone last week (first call in weeks) that she doesn't feel comfortable calling that number (because I live in the home too)! LOL. What an idiot? She doesn't have his cell number any more - she can't harrass the hell outta him and its killing her.
I'm really done with all her stupidness. She is stupid and selfish and small minded and unkind....etc.
I cannot see how she has any friends....ya know she lies to them too.
It just breaks my heart that a child has to be raised like that. Poisioned by his own mother against his Daddy. SS will grow up and be angry at Daddy and by GOD we will tell him and show him everything we did to try to get him. Then, he can make up his own mind with facts. Not only is she denying him a Daddy but brothers and a sister and grandparents- tons of aunts and uncles and cousins - We have a lot of family - BM has nothing - no one but a couple of sisters who live out of town - a mom she doesn't speak to anymore and a son by her first husband who's getting ready to go off to college.
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Post by destini1969 on May 3, 2008 15:19:40 GMT -5
Yeap it's unfortunate that the child will grow up angry with the father and not truly understand why. I didn't forgive my father for NOT being in my life until I turned 25. I remember like it was yesterday, I cursed him out like you would not believe because he was trying to treat me like a child when I was an adult.
My father wasn't around by choice, he would give us $25 her or there and then deduct $2 out for his cigarettes and a beer! (go figure) My mother NEVER said anything negative about him and she had moved on with her life.
That's why I say please keep some type of documentation showing you've tried to make contact with your child(ren), it may save you and your child a lot of grief in the future.
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Post by nomoredrama on May 3, 2008 15:29:31 GMT -5
Great advice Destini. We have the court papers, emails, letters, EVERYTHING. We don't want to poison the child against the BM but we want her to know that we wanted to be in her life but due to circumstances beyond our control, we weren't able to be.
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Post by wbmama on May 3, 2008 18:10:14 GMT -5
Wow destin. Thanks for sharing that. It just goes to prove that there are 2 types of ""dead beat dads"""- the ones who choose and those who are pushed. Someone told me it was horrible to show an adult documentation. I think it would be horrible not to. I'm not going to put her nasty emails in front of a 10 year old - but an 18 yr old is another story. Having some real answers is good for an adult. There's no need to keep the truth from him for all his life.
Just like my son who's adopted - he'll always know he's adopted - but when he's an adult - I'll explain why he was put up for adoption.
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Post by cloudy752001 on May 3, 2008 20:21:38 GMT -5
Hopefully as the child gets older and more curious, she will fess up so that you will not have to resort to showing those emails becasue there will be a tranference of hate (if your SS begins to feel that way about your DH) and the cycle will start all over. Then your SS will be upset with the BM. The goal should be to have a relationship with both parents. So hopefully she will wisen up because she does not know the damage that she is causing herself for the future.
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Post by nomoredrama on May 3, 2008 22:41:07 GMT -5
wbmama, has BM said anything about the letter? Or, did she only leave a message saying she does not feel comfortable calling? Has your DH spoken with BM?
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