I could text my daughter, cant call her :'(

[hjacobs]

Hi. I don't know where to start. I'm a 34 year old man, my daughter is 10. I have one other daughter 11yrs old from a different relationship and no other kids. I'm dealing with a very angry controlling baby mother. I could talk about having issues for days, but my most recent issue is not being able to call my daughter on a cell phone that I gave her. "The rule is I'm only able to text her". I could only call her on her moms phone. But at first she wasn't aloud to to have the phone that I gave to her. Her moms gave her first phone to her mother or Grandmother and now my daughter uses the phone I gave her. But her mother doesn't want me to call her, but I could text her. Smh.. I see my daughter every other weekend. She comes to my house on Friday I pick her up @ 4pm & I have to have her back Saturday by 6:30pm. This is a court ordered visit. Her reason for not allowing me to call her is she say I might be up to something sneaky. She say this because I took my daughther along with me to[glow=red,2,300][/glow] her sister's birthday party, which they don't celebrate (their Jehovah Witnesses). I simply did not want to cancel the visit & had to take my 11yr old daughter to her party. Now what I want to do is take the phone back & continue calling my daughter by calling her moms phone. Things like this builds tension & makes me not want to call at all. I feel like I should just wait until I see her every other weekend to talk to her. I really don't like calling her moms phone. The more I call the more we argue or the more she's making passes at me. What should I do?

[carteblanche]

I hate to say this but your going to have to drawback for a while. My husband experienced this. He was running all over town making a plum fool of himself. BM was eating it up even telling and showing her friends and family the text and amount of calls, saying see he still wants me back! Baby mamma's feed on attention, but once you stop reacting, TRUST ME she will become worried.. although she may not show it at first. Stop calling, and stop taking her calls for a while unless it's an emergency and Baby momma will learn to appreciate you..

Make her miss you meaning the great father that you are, because right now she obviously doesn't appreciate it and you seem to be obsessing over the situation. Baby mamma has to much power and you need to gain some form of control.. If this doesn't work you may want to hire an attorney and ask for shared custody and not joint, there is a difference because you sound like your only entitled to limited vitiation, but first try significantly reducing and if possible cease ALL communication with BM for a while with the exception of the weekly visits.

Hope this advise helps..

[Trying]

My husband and I are dealing with this right now. My SS is 11 and he has a cell phone that we WERE talking to him through, so we wouldn't have to talk to his mom ever. The thing most people don't realize is that the custodial parents control everything; the conversations when you're not there, the molding the child and teaching them mostly their twisted way of right from wrong. We don't talk to my SS until we get him now. Later, when your child is older and able to make decisions for herself, hopefully you've done enough in your time with her to make her want to contact you on her own or be around you more than ever. My husbands ex teaches him so many bad things and our only chance to turn that around is the love we show when he's around us. As far as your calls to her phone,.......That's BS!! We deal with that mess too. Do not give her satisfaction. These are some of the awful things you have to deal with when you and you children's mom can't work it out civilly.

[mrjewelis]

@ hjacobs: from father to father, definitely "do not" drawback, i say this because you truly have no idea what your child is being taught in respect to you as a father and the "drawback" may be just what the other parent wants just to say "see, told you he didn't care".

My heart goes out to men and women alike who have to deal with a vindictive parent.

Out of curiosity, what state do you live in and if you don't mind was 1day every other weekend your choice or your only option due to your work schedule. Or worse of all was it the only time offered to you?

I have Joint Legal & Physical custody of my daughter (7yrs old) and or visitation is split at around 48/52 which is partially due to a paperwork error to keep me in the child support system but what we practice on visitation is 50/50 also. We have a holiday schedule along with a vacation schedule. There are also provisions in place for schooling and medical. All this was done by myself with no lawyer, just the knowledge of utilizing the proper court documents, a good heart, patience and determination.

My BM took me for a ride through the system and for four years i dragged I disagree. When i finally realized that my relationship with my child was being ruined, my marriage was being ruined & my overall health was being ruined, enough was enough.

[jaylady999]

I understood what the poster meant by suggesting he draw back for a bit. It's sad but true, but the main goal for the BM who treats the BD this way is attention. Drawing back no longer gives her the acquired desire she was in search of, therefore the game is no longer fun.

I will admit, it is a gamble though. It could go either way. So I guess why you say don't let up or draw back.

I really have a soft spot in my heart for men who go through this. I can't stand to see women use their kids as pawn in this stupid game.

[mrjewelis]

@ jaylady999: i understand also what the poster meant but coming from a man who has been through it and helped other men close to me get through it as well that isn't best. If he was to go back to the courts after stopping communication on his own for an extended amount of time, the focus wouldn't be on her provisions of communication from the mother but him giving up. It's bad enough that his only time with his child is "one" day every other weekend.

And honestly there is more to the story, its up to hjacobs to put out as much as he is willing to possible to get the best advice possible. For all we know there could be domestic violence provisions that won't allow him to have more time or emotional abuse issues as to why there shouldn't be any phone contact, IDK.

Dealing with women like that I would never promote or suggest limiting yourself on communicating with your child.

To the men (swallow your pride) and women (get smart, not even) in support of your man dealing with bm drama do this:

1) If your court docs do not stipulate provisions on where, when or how you can communicate with your child:
*Visit your child at school it is a controlled and to a degree a supervised environment
do a 15-20 minute class sit in, your child will benefit from that
build a open line of communication with the teacher and principle
have meetings with teacher on your own to check progress, don't wait for parent teacher day
donate some free time to your child's classroom
chaperon field trips

*Are you close with family member on her side that won't tolerate her b.s.
if they are up to it, use as a hub to send things like cards, gift cards, toys, cloths and in this case tell your kid that you have such and such waiting for them at grandma's house or whoever

*Call at least twice a week, once to give an update one how you are doing and the other to see how your kid is doing. On both calls if there are siblings allow them to talk.
*if you are not allowed or your child isn't available that's fine simply ask when would be the best time to call back.
*Kid has activities, get involved, stay involved

And most importantly, document "everything" and "do not" argue with her, humble yourself and it's hard as hell trust me but it can be done. Let her fly off the handle all she wants, she'll grow up eventually.

I don't have all the answers but i do know these things work.

Documenting, all though extremely tedious will benefit you in the long run. When or if you ever go to family court for the first time or going back you can add these notes you have taken to your court docs showing her inability to operate in the best interest of the child. The judge "will" read what you have to say.

[fiq2156]

I just don't get it. I have never understood those women who cause so much misery to the men they claim to love because the realtionship has ended. It get's to a point where some can't be civil, don't want to be to be civil and are act just plain hateful. I have been dealing with BMD for almost eight...let me say it again "8" years and BM has progressively gotten worse. I have been called and threatened of course but I don't pay any attention to that and neither does BD. Her behavior consists of punishing the children as a way of punishing him. She hates that they love their father depsite the poison she has fed them and that they really like me. They are afraid to say that to her because she has said " I will die" if I ever here that from you. Her 16 y/o son favors his father and when he stated he wanted to live with BD, she told him "He's not even your father." It is aways cutthroat stunts like this. She will stand in BD parents' house and bad mouth him to anyone that will listen and then will turn around and borrow money from them. Her own family doesn't deal with her. She sends them to grandmas every night to eat, or when utilities are cut she sends them over there. BD always did for the kids. He raised 3 children that weren't his and out if spite she put him on child support for the 4th. He always gave he the same amount she's gettig thru the system and still got them whatever else they needed. Point is she bites hands that feed her and support her.
Since he is the non-custodial parent, she loves to say "my kids." She recently picked them up from our home in a rage and told the kids they weren't going to see their dad for a long time just because. Just the other day her 12 y/o dtr asked "could I stay the night with Daddy?" After begging she told the child no. When BD asked BM why her reply is " she doesn't live with you and she can't stay with ya'll."

The list goes on and on and so could I. It's been such a long time. She has been with several men and even gotten pregnant (which she terminated). I guess it's not meant for me to understand. BD is the opposite of her, he always tells the kids to respect their mother and listen to her. He doesn't bad mouth her to them at all. He has tried to civil on all fronts and wants to avoid the court, which is what BM suggetsed he do yesterday to see his kids.

[recondite]

ITA with mrjewelis. DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT.

I don't know the specifics of your court documents, but there is a section of our joint parenting agreement that states:
"Both parens must also be allowed to cotact the child by electronicmeans suited to te age of the child. This includes phone, email, txt message, instant messaging, social networks (such as Facebook or MySpace) and other means. Such contact should be reasonable in time and frequency.

If nothing of the sort is within your court documents I would say it is time to request an amendment from a judge. Make sure you request to speak wth your child and, if necessary, you may need to include a schedule for calls to ensure that if she does not follow the orders you have cause to report these findings and take appropriate legal action. From that point I can not stress enough to document everything! Every single incident shows that she does not have the best interest of the child in mind which courts take VERY seriously. It is a long process, but it works! God bless and I will be praying foryou.