Advice

[Broken Hear]

My newly ex boyfriend and I reconnected back in November of 2012. We knew of each other back in high school but just remained friends. When he and I reconnected, he told me that he just lost his job and hasn't been able to see his son in several months because of his baby mama. We talked and talked and talked and talked some more. We were able to discuss various topics and became inseparable. In the beginning, he did express his concern regarding his baby mama drama. I do not have any kids I told him it was okay as long as he respected me and didn't let her come between our relationship. I explained to him that he did not have to worry about me yelling and cussing with baby mama because there was no reason for me to. Well within a matter of months, he moved in with me. Things were great; he got his job back, he was working and starting to get some normality within his life again. All of a sudden, I started to notice that he would tell me to be quiet while he was on the phone with her or just leave the room so she could not hear my voice. When we got together, my ex explained that his baby mama wanted him back and didn't want him to be with anyone else. She even went as far to say that she did not want any other woman around her child. Well my ex would visit with his son at his mom's house. Baby mama would drop off his son and pick him up. I noticed when I was at the house when baby mama was about to drop off or pick up his son, he would ask me to leave. At first, I was like what. His excuse was that he did not want to argue with his baby mama with who's car was in his mother's driveway. He stated if they argued then he would not be able to see his son for awhile. I eventually told my ex how I felt disrespected because he asked me to leave. I told him I felt like he was more considerate of the baby mamma feelings than mine. After we talked about the situation, I thought it was resolved but no. One day, baby mama was on her way to pick up his son and this time he asked me to park my car at an apartment complex around the corner from his mother's house. We get into yet another argument. I asked him why would he think she would ask about a misc. car in his mother's driveway and what made her think she could do so. He attempted to make me feel bad by saying, I thought you understand but you clearly don't; this is what I have to do and deal with to see my son. Let me remind you that he and I had several conversations about him seeking visitation rights through the court system because he was already paying child support. His excuse: he didn't have money for a lawyer. So over the last couple of months, I have dealt with them fussing and cussing each other one minute then her playing needy and him falling for it. In a matter of five months we have gone from her losing her job, to her asking him for money for a lawyer over something she did at her job, to her not having food in the house, to her car breaking down, to her working a couple of weeks and losing her job again, to her having to move out of her apartment (but she is still in it) and asking my ex to help her, to her asking for additional money (on top of the $500 a month she receives in child support from my ex), to her tag getting taken off of her car and not having a way to work and finally to her mother acting funny about taking car of her four children. Yes things happen; I know that but I felt like she was only using my ex when it was convenient to her. When she was doing ok and she felt like he was not paying her any attention, then it was he could not see his son. Well a couple a days ago, she called him to tell him that her aunt was letting her drive her car to work and that she was okay. Imagine what I was thinking; what does she mean she is ok? Did the phone call even have anything to do with your son? Then he tells me that I was missing the whole picture and that he was telling her that she could take his son to his sister's if her mother was tripping. I would have been okay if that is how the conversation started. But the first three minutes on the conversation was solely about his baby mama. I finally tell my ex that I was tired of his baby mama antics. She made it evident to him that she did not want him with anyone else and he was falling for it. I told him not to mention her to me because I felt like she was taking advantage of him. He turns what I said to him into me saying I did not want to deal with us/our relationship. He then says if I didn't want to deal with him then I didn't want to deal with his son. While I was at work, he packs up his things and leaves leaving my key behind. He was so petty as to take pillows and food that he just purchased for the house. I was furious and felt betrayed. I decided to be with this man through his lowest times and he decided to leave because I told him I was getting tired of his baby mama. He did not even want to resolve the issue. Besides baby mama drama, we had no other issues. I feel like he left me for her. Yeah she was his baby mama but I felt like he and her used the baby for their own selfish gain. I would point out to him that his conversations would always start off with something about her and not his son. Needless to say, I was so angry that I blocked his number. Right now, I cannot receive phone calls or text messages. Why did I do that? In the past, I observed with his baby mama that when they got mad with each other, they would say little things to hurt each other feelings. They would yell and cuss and send each other stupid text messages consisting of multiple pages. I do not feel like him trying to make me out to be the bad guy and him the victim; I am so emotionally drained because of this situation. Yeah I miss him and sometimes I feel like I may have let him down. He did explain his baby mama drama and I accepted what was to come. I have been in previous relationships in which my ex boyfriends had children but they always set some type of boundaries with baby mama and they did not allow them to interrupt our relationships. But with my newly ex I never told him him to leave and I was willing to work through the issue. But he decided to leave me because I told him I was getting of his baby mama. Was I wrong for saying what I said and am I wrong for blocking his number? I feel like what happened was petty but at the same time, I feel like he did not care enough to just talk. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

[prepgirl]

Wow, I feel like if I stay with my bf, this is what my future will look like. Are they brothers? Please read my post "please help, I have no kids he has 4 with 2BMs". I feel like I am in your position right now, and I see him just walking away like your bf did. I got the same words from him, either I agree with how things are, or I walk. But, I will say, that he never kept me a secret, or asked me to leave. I'm surprised you would leave the house, because you better believe, if I live there, I'm not going anywhere. Are you sure They weren't still messing around? Because, I don't understand why he was hiding the fact that he was in a relationship. Even though he said she would not let him see the child, she has no right to do that, especially if child support is involved, that means the court is involved. If your bf wanted to., he could of at least told her he met someone else, and assess her response to know what to do next. But he didn't even try. Look, I'm kind of in the same situation as you, because I'm dealing with a man who doesn't seem to care about how I feel. But, I would NEVER let a man HIDE ME especially because of an ex or BM. I'm sorry you had to go through this, and just like me, I can feel that you want to work things out. But sometimes, you can only do so much, and it looks like he made it easier, by making the decision for you. Again, I know that you're hurting now, but remember like they all say, everything happens for a reason. Apparently, he wasn't ready for you and the relationship. You deserve better!

[rach]

I went through the exact same thing. MY ex was always treading on eggshells with his baby mama and i always felt like he put her first. And i admire how u have the strength to cut off contact with him because that is exactly what i should have done! You are correct in feeling that way no man should ever have to hide what u have or act some type of way in the name of another woman. If he is real he should be able to tell his baby mama about you and be firm and let deal with their child through the court if she acts up because he can't keep u a secret forever u will never be happy with that! And if he is not willing or understanding where u come from trust me it will not get better, from my experience, whenever he fought with his babymama or even acted in a way that made me mad or insecure, at the end it will always be you to pick up their pieces of their mess or inconsiderability, and you dont need that! Keep the no contact going hun this woman will be part of his life forever, and if ur finding it hard now it only gets worse.

[jaylady999]

Even though I know that different strokes are for different folks, I will add my .02. I went through this, but not as severe. DH did walk on eggshells when it came to BM for the same reasons all BDs do. They dont want to piss her off and lose access to their kids. Is it a crock? Yes. BUT, me having a child of my own, I had to put myself in his shoes and ask myself if I would do what is necessary to see my child if I was the non custodial parent. The answer is YES I WOULD. It sucks though, being the girlfriend in this situation. You always feel as if you get the short end of the stick.

I do not agree with him having you go through all the trouble of moving your car. I think that makes no sense at all. I know what my DH use to do was pick the kids up and drop them back off. I dont think my DH was as bad as other stories I've heard, but he absolutely did tip toe around her and he will even admit this to this day.

My position back then, as his girlfriend was simple. You dont have to acknowledge me to her. In fact, you dont have to talk about me at all. His lovelife was none of her business in the first place. She knew I existed, but DH did not talk about me to her in any form or fashion. I was fine with that. He didnt hide me from her, it was just a nonissue. It seems to have kept a lot of peace.

She never called our house, only his cell. So she's never had to deal with me and I loved it that way. Now, of course, things are different. The kids are teenagers and BM finally realizes I am not going anywhere, so she just deals. I still dont throw myself in her face, still never talk to her. But I do so much for her kids that I think she realizes that it is all genuine from my heart and really has nothing to do with her or DH. She actually texted me this morning to wish me a Happy Mother's Day and extended her appreciation for all that I do for her children.

But I think it's more than that. I think she just appreciates the fact that I have never been the girlfriend(now wife) who was all in her face with my relationship with her kid's father. It was never necessary in my opinion.

A lot of men do go to the extreme and when it begins to disrespect his current girlfriend, is when there is a problem. In the case of the original post in this thread, it was clearly a problem and I dont agree with how he tried to handle things with his girlfriend.

[truthbtold]

Your ex-boyfriend should not be in any relationship until he grows a pair. Point blank period. Good riddance to him. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. This post, the other young lady's post, and a few others have some common themes with the obvious being, the posters/new girlfriends in these situations have no children of their own. While people can date whomever they choose, it behooves me as to why a child-free person would even consider a person with a child(ren). The perspectives and chains of thoughts are just so different relative to the specific individual lifestyles. It's all understandable however, single parents tend to have issues with handling being a parent and also with being in a new relationship.

[jaylady999]

While people can date whomever they choose, it behooves me as to why a child-free person would even consider a person with a child(ren).

Totally agree with this one.

In fact, as a single mother, I set out to meet and date only a man who did have children mainly because I wanted to be with someone who had the same priorities as I did/do. But if I didn't have a kid of my own? No way would I date a man with child.

[truthbtold]

Totally agree with this one.

In fact, as a single mother, I set out to meet and date only a man who did have children mainly because I wanted to be with someone who had the same priorities as I did/do. But if I didn't have a kid of my own? No way would I date a man with child. [/quote]



You know, I hear a lot of parents say this and it makes sense. Although, there are parents out there that don't want to date another parent for one reason or another

[jaylady999]

Me too. My son's father doesn't date women with children...on purpose. The girl he is dating now is the first one in 15 years who has any kids at all and they are dang near grown. But before her, NONE of his GFs had children and there were PLENTY of GFs.

Me? Yeah, I'd prefer he had kids. I dated one guy for about 3 years roughly(right after BD, but before my now DH) and he didnt have any kids. I didnt like how it felt he was impatient with my situation, meaning me having to see if I could get my mom to watch DS while I went out and dated, etc. Or how BD would call me to pin down a time that he would pick up DS for that weekend, etc. It was awkward. Me and this guy never talked about my son or anything. It was weird. Needless to say, he had never met my son during that 3 year period, mainly because I knew it wasn't going to lead anywhere serious, but he was fine as hell and a nice buffer to pass the time until I met someone who I knew I could get more serious about. And then I met DH ;D

[truthbtold]

May 12, 2013 2:14:00 GMT -5 @rach said:

I went through the exact same thing. MY ex was always treading on eggshells with his baby mama and i always felt like he put her first. And i admire how u have the strength to cut off contact with him because that is exactly what i should have done! You are correct in feeling that way no man should ever have to hide what u have or act some type of way in the name of another woman. If he is real he should be able to tell his baby mama about you and be firm and let deal with their child through the court if she acts up because he can't keep u a secret forever u will never be happy with that! And if he is not willing or understanding where u come from trust me it will not get better, from my experience, whenever he fought with his babymama or even acted in a way that made me mad or insecure, at the end it will always be you to pick up their pieces of their mess or inconsiderability, and you dont need that! Keep the no contact going hun this woman will be part of his life forever, and if ur finding it hard now it only gets worse.

I agree with your post Rach. Of course, the man shouldn't or doesn't need to go to his BM informing her that he is in a relationship all randomly, but at some point she will find out probably through the child, if the child is of speaking age, and then what? The drama never ends. It's beyond ridiculous.

[truthbtold]

"Me too. My son's father doesn't date women with children...on purpose. The girl he is dating now is the first one in 15 years who has any kids at all and they are dang near grown. But before her, NONE of his GFs had children and there were PLENTY of GFs. "


LOL. I just said to another poster in the other thread that men are funny. They do not want their women to have kids. While a preference on the part of your BD I guess, the nerve LOL. It just sounds funny. Yet, another reason why I don't get why women are so fearful, if you will, or feel obligated to get into these situations and stay on top of that. I'm obviously not anti-men, but I am most certainly pro self-empowerment for women.


"Me? Yeah, I'd prefer he had kids. I dated one guy for about 3 years roughly(right after BD, but before my now DH) and he didnt have any kids. I didnt like how it felt he was impatient with my situation, meaning me having to see if I could get my mom to watch DS while I went out and dated, etc. Or how BD would call me to pin down a time that he would pick up DS for that weekend, etc. It was awkward. Me and this guy never talked about my son or anything. It was weird. Needless to say, he had never met my son during that 3 year period, mainly because I knew it wasn't going to lead anywhere serious, but he was fine as hell and a nice buffer to pass the time until I met someone who I knew I could get more serious about. And then I met DH ;D"


Yeah, he served his purpose ;D. Neither one of you were bad people, just different priorities and although a person can understand a situation, they don't have to accept it. It's all about being honest with yourself. It's really okay people LOL.

[truthbtold]

"Yeah I miss him and sometimes I feel like I may have let him down. He did explain his baby mama drama and I accepted what was to come."



Why would you feel like you let him down? Because you initially and foolishly as you see, accepted his drama? So you were to just accept the drama forever, no questions asked? Did you two pinkie swear? Please.

[jaylady999]

I agree with your post Rach. Of course, the man shouldn't or doesn't need to go to his BM informing her that he is in a relationship all randomly, but at some point she will find out probably through the child, if the child is of speaking age, and then what? The drama never ends. It's beyond ridiculous.

Yeah, it's very stupid. I just do not understand BMs who get all up in arms that the man is with another woman. Get over it and move on already

[jaylady999]

LOL. I just said to another poster in the other thread that men are funny. They do not want their women to have kids. While a preference on the part of your BD I guess, the nerve LOL. It just sounds funny. Yet, another reason why I don't get why women are so fearful, if you will, or feel obligated to get into these situations and stay on top of that. I'm obviously not anti-men, but I am most certainly pro self-empowerment for women.

I did use to think BD had nerve with that one, but hey...I guess it's whatever. Especially since I was the CP. He only had his son every other weekend or whatever. But still....NERVE LOL



Yeah, he served his purpose ;D. Neither one of you were bad people, just different priorities and although a person can understand a situation, they don't have to accept it. It's all about being honest with yourself. It's really okay people LOL.

Yes, for real. It is truly OKAY. And funny thing about him, was on paper, he would have been the PERFECT man. College graduated, educated, athlete, frat boy, grossed 6 figures, all that. But the vibe I got from him about me having a kid wasn't right, so as you said, he was there as a buffer until I actually found my Mr Right.

Funny thing, I ran into him years later. He's married now. To a woman who had no kids, go figure. LOL. They have a girl and boy together now. I am happy for him. Things work out the way they should in the end. ;D

[jaylady999]

Why would you feel like you let him down? Because you initially and foolishly as you see, accepted his drama? So you were to just accept the drama forever, no questions asked? Did you two pinkie swear? Please.

Exactly. When it comes to BMD, you deal with it until you can't deal with it no more. You can't hold his hand through it and make him do what you want him to do when it comes to BM. So if it is to a point where you cant deal with how he is handling the situation, then you have to make decisions for yourself. Leave or fight through it. But if you decide to leave because that is what is best for you, then you are not letting him down. You are doing what is best for you and you are who matters most.

[truthbtold]

Exactly. When it comes to BMD, you deal with it until you can't deal with it no more. You can't hold his hand through it and make him do what you want him to do when it comes to BM. So if it is to a point where you cant deal with how he is handling the situation, then you have to make decisions for yourself. Leave or fight through it. But if you decide to leave because that is what is best for you, then you are not letting him down. You are doing what is best for you and you are who matters most. [/quote]



Yup yup. She cannot even fight through it though when the other person does not see the error of their ways; it's a losing battle .