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Post by dlalr5 on Oct 17, 2013 12:45:36 GMT -5
I see the opinions and advice coming from all angles and it's really nice to be able to get a sense of how someone else is dealing with a situation perhaps similar to your own; BUT, the main thing is EACH situation is different, OBVIOUSLY. Not all BMD can be handled the same....the stories we hear do tend to often have similar qualities; but overall, each is going to have to be attended to in regard to that particular situation. BMD comes into existance so many different ways so if we are going to give out advice; since that IS the purpose of this forum, we need to not be nasty, bias, judgemental or share a message to someone as if we are beyond gaining more understanding or that perhaps we may KNOW ALL and have the superb point of view, that leaves any room for disagreement. NO ONE on this board is above another and these stories are ALL different. JUST because some of us have been on this site MUCH longer than others and see the same TYPE of story coming through on a regular basis, DOES NOT mean that those sharing the story have EVER shared before, ever heard someones advice on the matter or have any real idea on how to get themselves out of the situation they are in so be supportive. Thats is what this board is for! Be patient, helping another person loses its fulfullment and good doing if you are doing so with arrogance or lacking empathy.
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Post by Partiallyagree on Oct 17, 2013 17:53:13 GMT -5
I partially agree with you. Blended families are not one-size fits all but the poster has to be open to the fact that some may feel that what the poster is doing is totally wrong. I think it is okay to say, "No, no, no. You are doing it wrong. Here is how we do things" or "This is what I have experienced". I think people who post here are looking for a way to make things better not someone to just cosign on what they are currently doing. If what they were doing was working it is not likely that they would post here.
I think that we should be tactful about the advice given to a poster. But if I think that the BD that is being fought over is the problem or no good, I will say it.
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Post by jaylady999 on Oct 17, 2013 18:11:07 GMT -5
I see the opinions and advice coming from all angles and it's really nice to be able to get a sense of how someone else is dealing with a situation perhaps similar to your own; BUT, the main thing is EACH situation is different, OBVIOUSLY. Not all BMD can be handled the same....
I think one thing is true. If BM is causing drama for the GF/wife, then the BM shouldn't be dealt with by her AT ALL. But that's just me. I don't bargain for drama. I can't stand it or anything that resembles it.
the stories we hear do tend to often have similar qualities; but overall, each is going to have to be attended to in regard to that particular situation. BMD comes into existance so many different ways so if we are going to give out advice; since that IS the purpose of this forum, we need to not be nasty, bias, judgemental or share a message to someone as if we are beyond gaining more understanding or that perhaps we may KNOW ALL and have the superb point of view, that leaves any room for disagreement. NO ONE on this board is above another and these stories are ALL different. JUST because some of us have been on this site MUCH longer than others and see the same TYPE of story coming through on a regular basis, DOES NOT mean that those sharing the story have EVER shared before, ever heard someones advice on the matter or have any real idea on how to get themselves out of the situation they are in so be supportive. Thats is what this board is for! Be patient, helping another person loses its fulfullment and good doing if you are doing so with arrogance or lacking empathy.
I personally think the issue is that women come here wanting to moan and groan about the BM. They don't want real advice or solutions, they just want to hear someone cosign with them that the BM is an idiot who has a sole purpose of making life difficult for her. The reality is that most of the drama that is going on with these BMs is because these new GFs and wives engage in it. So yes if the question is "how do I deal with the BM and her crazy antics?". The answer is simple. DONT.
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Post by jaylady999 on Oct 17, 2013 18:12:28 GMT -5
I think that we should be tactful about the advice given to a poster. But if I think that the BD that is being fought over is the problem or no good, I will say it.
9 times out of 10, the BD is absolutely the reason for the issues in the first place.
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Post by truthbtold on Oct 17, 2013 23:35:47 GMT -5
I see the opinions and advice coming from all angles and it's really nice to be able to get a sense of how someone else is dealing with a situation perhaps similar to your own; BUT, the main thing is EACH situation is different, OBVIOUSLY. Not all BMD can be handled the same.... the stories we hear do tend to often have similar qualities; but overall, each is going to have to be attended to in regard to that particular situation. BMD comes into existance so many different ways so if we are going to give out advice; since that IS the purpose of this forum, we need to not be nasty, bias, judgemental or share a message to someone as if we are beyond gaining more understanding or that perhaps we may KNOW ALL and have the superb point of view, that leaves any room for disagreement. NO ONE on this board is above another and these stories are ALL different. JUST because some of us have been on this site MUCH longer than others and see the same TYPE of story coming through on a regular basis, DOES NOT mean that those sharing the story have EVER shared before, ever heard someones advice on the matter or have any real idea on how to get themselves out of the situation they are in so be supportive. Thats is what this board is for! Be patient, helping another person loses its fulfullment and good doing if you are doing so with arrogance or lacking empathy. I recall a previous poster seeking advice but also advocated strongly for brutal honesty. I don't believe I participated in that thread, but I really respected her desire not to be hand-held. She even admitted perhaps having rose-colored glasses on or something to that effect. We all have to be real with ourselves at some point in life. I am not saying that a person has to be rude and nasty in response, but some people either write the way they talk or in their attempt to be brutally honest will not be delivered in a kumbayaa way. @ underlined, yes they do and too often the new wife or girlfriend is way too involved. Okay, so how about disengaging from the situation? I just don't get how that cannot be figured out on one's own, etc. How many ways can the same things be said? There is only about so many alternatives in these situations. When people post specifics, they open themselves up to other questions and observations. Some information provokes different responses. It's just what it is in these types of forums. We all have the ability to accept or reject whatever is being offered, for whatever reasons. |
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Post by truthbtold on Oct 17, 2013 23:46:20 GMT -5
jaylady999 board=general thread=1496 post=24098 time=1382051467] I think one thing is true. If BM is causing drama for the GF/wife, then the BM shouldn't be dealt with by her AT ALL. But that's just me. I don't bargain for drama. I can't stand it or anything that resembles it.Thank you. I mean, I knew it's couldn't just be me  . [/size] [/size] I personally think the issue is that women come here wanting to moan and groan about the BM. They don't want real advice or solutions, they just want to hear someone cosign with them that the BM is an idiot who has a sole purpose of making life difficult for her. The reality is that most of the drama that is going on with these BMs is because these new GFs and wives engage in it. So yes if the question is "how do I deal with the BM and her crazy antics?". The answer is simple. DONT.[/quote] Like seriously. I am really beginning to see quite clearly what type of board this is. Eh ::)The other poster inquiring about dating men with children appeared to be genuinely asking about all that comes with that. Her post had a more authentic purpose. I understood what was being asked. [/b] |
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Post by truthbtold on Oct 17, 2013 23:48:35 GMT -5
I think that we should be tactful about the advice given to a poster. But if I think that the BD that is being fought over is the problem or no good, I will say it. 9 times out of 10, the BD is absolutely the reason for the issues in the first place.[/color] |
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Post by jaylady999 on Oct 18, 2013 0:01:56 GMT -5
Exactly to all of the above Truth. I dont know, it just all seems so simple to me. DH had kids with BM. She's his problem, not mine. Me being his wife doesn't make her my problem anymore than his arrogant boss at work does. I wouldn't insert myself into that relationship either. He brings the kids here and I interact with and enjoy them while he handles the BM. Same with his boss. He brings the paycheck here and I spend it while he goes to work and handles his boss.  I would do the same in both cases. Be his support system from back here. Wayyyy back here. Back here is where ALL the peace is. ;D |
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Post by truthbtold on Oct 18, 2013 17:55:34 GMT -5
Exactly to all of the above Truth. I dont know, it just all seems so simple to me. DH had kids with BM. She's his problem, not mine. Me being his wife doesn't make her my problem anymore than his arrogant boss at work does. I wouldn't insert myself into that relationship either. He brings the kids here and I interact with and enjoy them while he handles the BM. Same with his boss. He brings the paycheck here and I spend it while he goes to work and handles his boss. No shame in your game. Scandalous LOL [/color] [/size][/color] I would do the same in both cases. Be his support system from back here. Wayyyy back here. Back here is where ALL the peace is. ;D[/quote] High-five on everything you said. I am of the belief that those (i.e. the OP, etc.) who state that all BMD is not the same, but share some similar qualities yada, yada, yada, is using that as a ruse to still be up in affairs that have nothing to do with them. I can't; that's their lifetime drama. Good for them  |
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Post by dlarl5 on Oct 21, 2013 8:40:16 GMT -5
truthbtold - I have read a few of your posts and maybe its only me, but the way your comments sound (to me) is always very sharp, rude, condescending and almost give me the vibe of a smart mouth teenager. Its as if you feel the need to be "one up" on everyone, you often post with the whole rolling eye face. Why are you rolling your eyes? See if you ever see a post from me, you can excsue yourself and not post bc the type of feedback you give, is really just worthless to me bc I dont get ANYTHING from someone who has a nasty outlook on life as you seem to have. I dont even know why you come to this forum to paste your negativities all over?  IM JUST BEING HONEST. You can come back with whatever smart mouth comment you feel will fulfill you but its get you no where with me so feel free to move along when you see my posts, thank you! PS I know you are going to try and involve Jaylady in your response, as you often do...trying to get someone to have your back but thats pointless too bc the diffference between jaylady and yourself is she can disgree or share insight with tact. Something you lack! Have a great day now! (that ones for you sweetie) |
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Post by truthbtold on Oct 24, 2013 17:47:30 GMT -5
truthbtold - I have read a few of your posts and maybe its only me, but the way your comments sound (to me) is always very sharp, rude, condescending and almost give me the vibe of a smart mouth teenager. Its as if you feel the need to be "one up" on everyone, you often post with the whole rolling eye face. Why are you rolling your eyes? See if you ever see a post from me, you can excsue yourself and not post bc the type of feedback you give, is really just worthless to me bc I dont get ANYTHING from someone who has a nasty outlook on life as you seem to have. I dont even know why you come to this forum to paste your negativities all over? IM JUST BEING HONEST. You can come back with whatever smart mouth comment you feel will fulfill you but its get you no where with me so feel free to move along when you see my posts, thank you! PS I know you are going to try and involve Jaylady in your response, as you often do...trying to get someone to have your back but thats pointless too bc the diffference between jaylady and yourself is she can disgree or share insight with tact. Something you lack! Have a great day now! (that ones for you sweetie) Eh, typical. Sorry you got the impression that I cared about what you thought . Just like you (and I will gladly "miss" your posts because I am sure they will be more of the same) you have the option to bypass my posts as well. Clearly, I do not need an Army brigade or the Calvary to "back me up," when articulating my thoughts/opinions. If another poster agrees/disagrees and vise versa, as it relates to myself, then so be it. You need to grow up. Oh and I always have a great day and a blessed and drama free life ;D. Toodles. |
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Post by truthbtold on Oct 24, 2013 17:53:33 GMT -5
Exactly to all of the above Truth. I dont know, it just all seems so simple to me. DH had kids with BM. She's his problem, not mine. Me being his wife doesn't make her my problem anymore than his arrogant boss at work does. I wouldn't insert myself into that relationship either. He brings the kids here and I interact with and enjoy them while he handles the BM. Same with his boss. He brings the paycheck here and I spend it while he goes to work and handles his boss. I would do the same in both cases. Be his support system from back here. Wayyyy back here. Back here is where ALL the peace is. ;D I agree with you for the most part. But I don't think it is as simple as saying, let the DH handle it. Yes, I believe that the BD should protect his SO from foolishness but sometimes when the BM comes at the SO, it is not easy as to say, "BD, handle her". Especially, when emotions & tempers are flared. This makes things too simple and we no that blended situations can be volatile. Some situations are so volatile that it is difficult to just disengage from it once the SM is in it. It takes deliberate regrouping on the SM's part. She has to realize that the BD is the best person to deal with the BM because men don't usually react as emotionally as women. But, it is a process that the SM has to go through to get there. I don't think any of knew magically how to be a SM or be with a man with kids. It is trial & error, a process. What do you mean by "coming at the SO? Do you mean saying stuff through the BD or directly to her? As it relates to emotions and tempers, again we still have control in how we react. Getting all up and arms and losing it, usually don't result in a happy ending. You are still agreeing that the BD should handle it and that is what me and others are saying. If situations are that "volatile" maybe that is not the best situation for the SO to be in. That doesn't sound healthy at all. Again, everyone has to find their own way. Whatevs. |
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Post by truthbtold on Oct 24, 2013 18:01:38 GMT -5
nomoredrama wrote,
"I disagree with this. Sometimes whatever is going on does have something to do with them. BMD doesn't always have to be specifically about the child. It can be about the BD & SM/SO's household. There are many disagreements that can be had with the BM that do involve the SM/SO."
What would the BD/SO's household have to do with the BM? What do you mean? Regardless, nothing presented thus far has absolved the fact that the man needs to deal with the BM, regardless of what it is.
"I learned how to not deal with the BM, from this site, which helped to minimize the drama.[/quote]"
Booyah!! and one may deduce that the engagement is what keeps up the drama. Oooh, God forbid.
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Post by jaylady999 on Oct 24, 2013 22:10:34 GMT -5
Booyah!! and one may deduce that the engagement is what keeps up the drama. Oooh, God forbid.
Exactly. ;D
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Post by lovely on Oct 26, 2013 0:17:55 GMT -5
dlalr5 I agree with everything in regards to truthbtold...this poster is rude, obnoxious and appears arrogant. My belief is that this individual poster doesn't give advice as someone whom experience BMD, but whether as a disgruntled man and/or as a woman that is a perpetrator of BMD. This particular poster also appears as the Messiah of advice and as if it's absolute, relies on jaylady to cosign their B/S. Finally someone brought this light.
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. [/size]
IM JUST BEING HONEST. You can come back with whatever smart mouth comment you feel will fulfill you but its get you no where with me so feel free to move along when you see my posts, thank you!