Lack of Communication-Note to SM/GF

[recondite]

*Steps up on soapbox and tests microphone*

I feel that a lot of the issues I read about on here lack one MAJOR thing, which is communication between the DH/BF and SM/GF.

A lot of situations can be tamed by addressing your concerns with DH/BF. In my case DH has custody of my SD and I am the primary caregiver. While it is not always possible to avoid dealing with BM I can, and do, keep interaction to a minimum.

If a situation does present itself DH and I always discuss the problem with one another before anything else. This is something that I don't see too often on posts from SM/GF. More often than not it seems that you are trying to handle the situation on your own. In my opinion, that is something that should not be. As SM/GFs we can lessen the blow by allowing DH/BF to deal with the drama unless it directly effects you and your household. Even then the conversation requires DH and yourself to figure out what needs to be done to rectify the situation.

If I am having a problem with the way things are being handled I let DH know. It is his responsibility to make sure that I am comfortable and at ease. If the situation requires an adjustment DH and I decide what works best for our household and he will then relay the information to BM. There is no discussion to be had once we have decided what works for our household. As long as the decision does not require BM to alter her schedule or visitation in any way there should be no problem, even though there is always a problem.

It seems to me that a lot of the DH/BF in these cases are at the mercy of BM and it becomes very frustrating for the SM/GF to watch another woman attempt to control DH/BF by using their child(ren) as a pawn. While I have experienced this and completely agree that it is annoying it is a decision that DH/BF must make to take back control of the situation and put a stop to BMs shenanigans. If court is required, which was in our case, then so be it. There are many ways to have a court order put into place without retaining a lawyer, although ill-advised if you cannot find your way around court documents and hate reading for days on end. Here is a site that helped us a lot:

www.lawhelpinteractive.org

If DH/BF is fully committed to being an active participant in their child(ren)s life then putting it in writing, along with CS, should not be a problem. From that point ANY deviation to the agreement should be notated and, if necessary, alert the court and proper authorities.

What I see happening is that there are a lot of men who are NOT fulfilling their obligations as parents, but get upset when they are denied access and certain rights to their child(ren). If this refers to your DH/BF then the problem does not lie with the BM, but the mate you have chosen. When DH and I were dating if I did not see how committed he was to my SD we would have never been married. This was/is an indication of how DH will behave if our relationship should end and children are involved.

In closing, as SM/GFs most of the drama coming our way can be cut off at the head by minimizing, and eliminating when possible, communication with BM and increasing the communication with DH/BF regarding our concerns. If DH/BF does not care to listen or dismisses your concerns then it is up to you to decide if he is the person you want to spend your time/life with.

Note that I am speaking of mentally stable SM/GFs. NOT those who LIVE for the drama and are more than happy to be active originators and participants in such behavior.

Also, depending on the BM, this does not mean that attempts will not continue to try and upset the balance in your life. We still have BMD, but we refuse to allow her to drag us into her chaotic life. The old adage says "Misery loves company". Make a choice not to entertain misery.

*Steps down*

[ladyqb]

I totally agree with you. The way I cut off BMD head is to not concern myself with DH past and prior relationships. In the beginning of our marriage it was totally a living hell. The whole BMD completely stressed me out (hair breaking out in patches and skin breaking out). Now, today it is a totally different story. I had to make some changes and he had to make some changes. We now discussed everything and then make a decision on the best way to handle the issue. I love and trust my husband and he makes me feel very secure in our marriage. I don’t give a dam, what BM does or does not do because I trust my husband 100% to make the best decision concerning our family. To be totally honest, it took us some time to get to this point in our marriage. See, I believe it not about BM, it about the relationship you share with BF/DH.

BM and I are not friends in any sort of way. We don’t communicate through any forms of social media (facebook, twitter, instragram or etc.). BM doesn’t even have our house or my cell phone number nor my email addy. As a matter of fact, just to keep down any BMD, the stepchildren and I don’t communicate on social media but I do have their cell numbers; however, all the kids (mines and his) communicate through social media, cell phones and etc. We all get along great. I have some minor problems with the teenage stepchildren; however, it can be worked out if my put my mind to it. DH is aware and he needs to address sooner rather than later.

[jaylady999]

Very good post Reconcite, and right on the money. And you just summed up why the GFs/wives have the drama that they do. Thank you!

[jaylady999]

What I find particularly interesting though is that Reconcite, you've pretty much said what I've been saying here for I don't v know how long, and even Truth. Clearly the ladies are not looking the delivery. But it is what it is. Hopefully since you clearly played nice, the ladies here will take your advice and remove themselves from their own drama.

[recondite]

Very good post Reconcite, and right on the money. And you just summed up why the GFs/wives have the drama that they do. Thank you!

Don't get me wrong, this doesn't account for ALL BMD. This only works to minimize the drama NOT eliminate it. So while I do not create drama there is always some lingering around. BM does things just to get under my skin and I think that is the case with a lot of women. It's not always the SM/GF fault. In my case, 99% of the drama is directly from BM.

What I find particularly interesting though is that Reconcite, you've pretty much said what I've been saying here for I don't v know how long, and even Truth. Clearly the ladies are not looking the delivery. But it is what it is. Hopefully since you clearly played nice, the ladies here will take your advice and remove themselves from their own drama.

It's not about playing nice, but being diplomatic. When you go into a conversation placing blame on someone who is already frustrated almost NOTHING you say gets through. We are typing our thoughts and I see no reason to type harsh or hurtful things to already desperate people. Not all situations require tough love.[/b]

[recondite]

I totally agree with you. The way I cut off BMD head is to not concern myself with DH past and prior relationships. In the beginning of our marriage it was totally a living hell. The whole BMD completely stressed me out (hair breaking out in patches and skin breaking out). Now, today it is a totally different story. I had to make some changes and he had to make some changes. We now discussed everything and then make a decision on the best way to handle the issue. I love and trust my husband and he makes me feel very secure in our marriage. I don’t give a dam, what BM does or does not do because I trust my husband 100% to make the best decision concerning our family. To be totally honest, it took us some time to get to this point in our marriage. See, I believe it not about BM, it about the relationship you share with BF/DH.

I TOTALLY agree with you. We also struggled to get to where we are today in our marriage. We both had to make changes to make our household run smoothly.

BM and I are not friends in any sort of way. We don’t communicate through any forms of social media (facebook, twitter, instragram or etc.). BM doesn’t even have our house or my cell phone number nor my email addy. As a matter of fact, just to keep down any BMD, the stepchildren and I don’t communicate on social media but I do have their cell numbers; however, all the kids (mines and his) communicate through social media, cell phones and etc. We all get along great. I have some minor problems with the teenage stepchildren; however, it can be worked out if my put my mind to it. DH is aware and he needs to address sooner rather than later.

Every situation is different and everyone has to find a balance. I'm glad you found yours. In my case the judge accused us of not being willing to "work with" BM since I am the primary caregiver so I created an email and I send her updates on my SD school progress, extra-curricular activities, etc. I also use SkyDrive to share documents and anything else of importance. She doesn't use the resources available to her, but it made the judge happy. BM in my case is still pushing for us to communicate on the phone which just ain't happenin'.[/color]