Foolish,stupid or naive?

[tienee]

My Husband and i have been friends since we were 8 and 10 years old. When his BM found out that we had bumped the status of our relationship up she started doing childish stuff and like a trained chimp he would jump at any request she had claiming he just wanted to keep things peaceful. She would call and say that their daugther needed fruit or breakfast food nothing major. On the night of our Wedding this broad calls my house and tells him that he doesn't spend enough time with his child and if he doesn't make more time his daughter , that she would take him to court for more child support. He rolls over for her like a little puppy and says okay.he pays 2000 in child support covers her insurance, pays for every recreational activity that she plays and not only is she there every weekend but also 2-3 days during the week. so after he hangs up the phone i tell him that his BM is playing him and it's like he possessed cause he tell me the same thing i'm trying to keep the peace. After a month into out marriage i was pregnant with our son. and he didn't want to tell his daugther that she had a little brother on the way cause he didn't won't her to think she wan't important anymore. at that point i thought to myself this man is crazy if he thinks i'm going to keep my pregnancy a secret for his daughter. i snapped as soon as he had a chance to breathe because he just didn't want his BM to find out scared she was going to try to get more child support now that he had another child on the way. I told him that moment to get out of my house cause thats bs and i could do it on my own if him keeping the peace with his BM was more important than the child we have on the way. He decided that it wasn't and started slowly changing the way he responded to her request. Of course she flipped but he started realizing on his own with no help from me that he was being a sucker, not for loving his child, but because he let His BM use his child for her own selfish and hateful reasons. One night after my son was born she called our house at 1 am saying there was a mouse in their daughters room and she needed him to drive 45 mins.to come and kill it. he looked at me and told her not to call for nothing dumb like that again. months went on and she is still playing the role and he keeps falling for it i explain to him that with two children and a home to help support her taking you to court would be dumb on her part since she is with us for most of the week. not only is she getting child support but he provides everything she needs what does a six year old need to do with 2000 dollars his BM lives with her mother rent free And leaves his daughter with me when ever she wants to go clubbing she living a good life. she didn't have to nothing but lay down and have the baby. So tell me is my husband Foolish,stupid or naive?

[nomoredrama]

Your DH is a man (foolish, stupid, and naive). LOL. No offense to the men on this board.

My DH also did not want to tell my SD when I was pregnant with our daughter. Probably because he did not want to hear any flack from the BM.

Your DH has got to decide if he wants to stand up to his BM or does he want to risk being a single man having to deal with TWO baby mamas.

[awsomalx]

If the child wasn't already a Ward I could totally understand his actions on a lot of thing BM related . I know you women folk believe he's foolish and all the other negative connatations BUT that is not the case. Women are waaayyy more competetive then men in a lot of aspects and you all seem to take your DH doing ANYTHING that you as the current love of his life, doesn't think is warranted. However, believe it or not, that man has a mind and ideas of his own. As a man, I know what "keeping the peace" efforts sometimes entail (though in the end, a CBM will be a CBM).
BUT with already having his wages slaughtered as the child IS a ward, he's going so far outside the lines of reason, he can't see his way back! Tienee, you are actuallybetter then most in this situation. There is nothing he can do to make the situation with her better (I'm thinking he still feels he can "fix it"....that's a Man thing). You also carry some blame in this as well with allowing her to just drop the kid with you whenever. She receives 24K per year from your DH (ouch!). That broad can find and afford a baby sitter!
Alot of yoy have DH's that are much better people then me. If I was forced to pay as much as some of you state, no way I'd do a third of the things some of you women say your DH's do. Again, they are MUCH better people then me.

[nomoredrama]

If your DH is spending that much time and money on the child, perhaps you and he should think about getting full custody. It appears as though you and he has the more stable home environment. $24,000 per year...That is more than what some people make per year from working 40 hours per week. And she probably doesn't work either. Why would she? Medical and dental is probably paid for by your DH too. No wonder so many women (groupies and such) are content to lie on their back, get pregnant, and have a man with money's baby. That is completely ridiculous. $2000 per months for 1 child??? Ridiculous. It doesn't seem that the BM is bringing anything to the table. You would think that she could get her own place with $2000 per month in child support. Oh, did I say it was RIDICULOUS?

[youknowwhatitis]

You won't be able to get full custody based on income. Apparently the dad can afford to pay it and is willing. The child has been residing with the mother and the court will uphold it. Judges hate custody disputes especially when they know it's simply about money and NOT the best interests of the child. You too have your own kid focus on the 3 of you. Leave that child with it's mother. She may live with her mom beczaue she wants too and mom helps with the baby. That is what cause most BM drama 3rd party advice. Sounds like DH still has some feelings for her. Most judges know when a dad seeks full custody and mom is not a drug addict or otherwise unfit its because he feels like he can save money and it something they FROWN on. Oh yeah awosmalx....you're right you ain't nuts and I feel sorry for your child. No way a dollar should mean more than your baby and then you have the NERVE to be bitter.

[tienee]

Thanx to everyone who repliedto my posting. I stand very firm in my beliefs but my mother and friends are in my ear all the time i just needed to hear some outside input. I feel that his decisions are going to eventually put more space in between us. His BM is always going to be there and that part i can deal with but all the other stuff is just extra and she living up to the stero type about women but more so black women.

[lovejones08]

Tienee..I understand totally how you feel girl because I've felt that before; however, we play a bigger role in this crazy a** situation than we think. We like to be firm and make our men listen to our opinions and make a move when we want him to, but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. Some men are a rock in a hard place. They see their screwed up situation and fixing the issue is easier said then done so they tend to appear as though they are allowing her to run all over him, but it may really be that he is trying not to let his child experience any more drama than the drama that the baby mama already causes. We can chat all day about what a man needs to say and do abot CBM, but really he can't do nothing but try to stay sane, mature, and responsible in order to be a good father. You can't make a CBM stop being a CBM they will stop when they are good and ready to, which seems to be never.

My suggestion to you would be to seriously evaluate you situation wholeheartedly observe your man without speaking a word. I guarantee that through your frustrations silence and observation will tell you more than you could ever imagine. This situation is a difficult situation to deal with, but is he really worth it in the end? Expressing your feelings calmly about the situation is entitled to you. Most men handle these situation is strange ways in our opinion, but like my DH told me sometimes you do crazy things out of the norm for you children that you wouldn't do in a different situation. I can't say whether your DH is foolish, stupid, or naive; however he may be praying to God in his head to make that 18th bday come quick!!

Tienee, this situatio is not a good one for everyone and you must know your limits to make sure that you stay healthy for you child with or without him, but if he is worth it be his Safe Haven; what I mean by that is be his emotional comfort zone, keeping knowing that he made the best decision leaving that CBM, commend him for being a great father (that don't hear it often what better that hearing it from his woman), let him lay in your lap and rub his head during his frustrations (this does not require talking just be there or listen to him).

Men are just like us but in a different way. They feel how we feel but just expresses it in a way that makes absolutely no sense sometimes, but it is what it is. I truly tienee do understand what you're going through and it is so hard, but I found that taking a different approach to it has made a world of a difference. Reminding a man everyday about a bad decision he has made in life and yapping when he's trying to digest it all and live with it is the worse thing that you can do to his spirit and is his ticket out the door. Just something to ponder upon.

[lovejones08]

Just think if he snaps on her silly a** ends up in child paying more d**n money to the court system because he just slapped the hell out of her Crazy A** (which he probably had all right to backhand the chick in her mouth) he's in jail or in probabtion the child looses, he looses, and you loose and CBM will still be CBM and he probably didn't plan on being with CBM even if he wasn't with you. How will you ever win the situation? "Keeping the peace does go so far, but you keep track of how far you are willing to stay for the bumpy ride". Your unconditional support as opposed to ranting will allow him to clearly see his way of handling his situation. Express yourself and your feelings appropriately then be quiet pay attention closely for even his smallest efforts his actions after that will speak volumes. We as women think that men aren't listening but they are we just have to calm down for a minute to observe their nonverbal communication because they may not choose to handle everything verbally like we do.

[lovejones08]

You've know him since 8/10 girl you should know this man and how to deal with him..lol

[jaylady999]

May 26, 2008 10:04:34 GMT -5 lovejones08 said:

My suggestion to you would be to seriously evaluate you situation wholeheartedly observe your man without speaking a word. I guarantee that through your frustrations silence and observation will tell you more than you could ever imagine. This situation is a difficult situation to deal with, but is he really worth it in the end? Expressing your feelings calmly about the situation is entitled to you. Most men handle these situation is strange ways in our opinion, but like my DH told me sometimes you do crazy things out of the norm for you children that you wouldn't do in a different situation. I can't say whether your DH is foolish, stupid, or naive; however he may be praying to God in his head to make that 18th bday come quick!!

You are so right about what you say. One thing that I used to try to remember when we were going through our nightmare with BM is that its easy for me to tell him what he should and should not do as it relates to his kids mother and his kids because my son lived with me and my then boyfriend/fiance on a daily. But for those men who have a genuine interest in being there to support their children financially and emotionally, the situation is not so cut and dry. These men are forced with dealing with drama from his BM as well as drama from the current girlfriend/wife and they just sometimes dont know what to do. If they make this choice, they will have to hear from BM and sometimes the relationship with the child gets strained, but if he decides to make the other choice, he has to hear it from the current girlfriend/wife, so he is d**ned if he do and d**ned if he dont. It took me a couple of years to get it, but it wasnt until I just stepped back and let him really deal with BM on his own and come to the conclusion on his own that she was full of sh*t and had alterior motives in darn near every move she made concerning those kids, it wasnt til then that he really saw her for who she was and he finally stood up to her and i was so proud of him and proud of the fact that me knowing he got there on his own meant that we probably wouldnt have these issues any further. and we havent. our situation with her isnt peaches and cream, but at the very least, she reailzes that her antics definately fall on deaf ears, i dont feed into it and neither does he.

[jaylady999]

And that is really the key. Sometimes I think the method to their madness when it comes to the relationship you have with your husband is divide and conquer. She would love nothing more than to feel as if she has enough pull to cause havoc in your household and I am glad you didnt feed into it and you dealt with YOUR husband without her being the wiser. I love it!! Girl let me tell you that I havent see my husbands BM since 2005 and I am so good with that. Now we get the kids every other weekend, but her I am fine without seeing ;D

[gemmani]

Don't have much time right now, but just ask him if he'd like dealing with TWO BMs instead of one.
Back manana with more!

[gemmani]

If your husband had planned on being so available to his BM, he should have never married you. This situation is totally your husband's fault. Yes, BM is being annoying, but he is allowing himself to get sucked in.
I've never understood this about some stepfamily situations. If the man really intended on catering fully to BM, why the f*ck did he get married??? It seems as though the wife is just expected to suck it up and keep a smile on her face. We all go into this situation knowing the man has kids and knowing that they'd be a high priority for him. But when you take on a WIFE, the man needs to figure out how to balance the children from his previous life with his new wife. A marriage is supposed to be the primary relationship in life. (Before I get jumped on, I don't mean to the detriment of his children. Of course they are a priority.) But the best thing for children is a solid foundation, and that what the marriage is. A shaky foundation will send everyone toppling. So again, if he intended on putting BM first, why bother get married? It isn't fair to expect your wife to just grin and bear it. He should be worrying about YOU and YOUR pregnancy. Who gives a flying f*ck about what BM thinks!! If he does, then he should go be with her.
Get a lawyer (best investment you can make, believe me) for that ridiculous CS amount. Most likely, they'd LOWER the amount, especailly if another baby is on the way. To put your pregnancy on the back burner b/c of BM............ all I can say is, you are a better person than me. He's trying to "keep the peace"? No he isn't, not with you. What about keeping you happy? Why not keep the peace with you, at the home the two of you share.
Sorry, I'm ranting. But stuff like this makes my blood boil.

[sbimiss]

I truly believe in the saying that things will never be right, if things aren't right at home. I don't know if it is just that some men believe that it's the easiest way to handle BM's or what. "Keeping the peace" is def. not the way to go. I don't think they realize that these actions come with great consequences in the near future. It's just a temporary fix and a bigger mess in the end result....bigger than what you originally started with. It's just like teaching a dog bad habits in a sense. lol I in no way could tolerate this. I agree with gammani about the lawyer. Seriously consider it. Remember, your life is moving forward and life is taking it's course. It's about you and your marriage now. It's not about her and his situation before you. His kids, your kids, you, and his marriage now!!!

[ty1981]

Patience and prayer.........just keep saying it to yourself because that's what it takes to deal with a CBM.