Hurting

[ty1981]

My fiancee and I have a beautiful relationship. We practice unconditional love, respect and honor. I am torn up over the fact that despite me being a good, honest caring person, who wants nothing more to compromise in our soon to be blended family, the BM will not meet half of halfway. My fiancee has been in the Air Force for 17 years and has a 17yr old son, a 10 yr old daughter, and a 5 yr old daughter. He was married once to the 10 yr olds mother but cheated on her with the BM and she became pregnant with the 5yr old. He got a divorce with his wife but still did not marry the BM. His ex-wife and I get along beautifully. She has gotten remarried and all four of us work together to raise a wonderful little girl. That's how I know it can be done. But BM is upset and feels she deserves a ring, and is peeved because I have one. She calls and texts constantly about why doesn't he think his kids deserve a marriage. It is totally stressing me out. She is upset with me that i want to be with someone who cheated with his first wife with her and had a baby. My fiancee has not always done the right things, no one has. He was young and made some very poor choices. However, he is 9 yrs older than I am, am I supposed to punish him for something he did while I was in high school. She is upset because we have nice things. She doesn't take into consideration that while she was out trying to trap a man, I worked two jobs to put myself thru undergrad and grad school and now am reaping the rewards. In 17 yrs my fiancee has never missed a child support payments (she gets an allotment right out of his pay before he even sees it), however, she wants a raise because we live comfortably. I got a BMW but I earned it. Now she won't let him see them because she said I'm taking food out of their mouths. She doesn't take into consideration that I make more money than him and all the extras they get, I am the culprit. She has made me out to be the most hated woman in America. That's not fair because they are his children too,,,and by extension soon to be mine. I have started college funds for all three kids. I must admit I do more for the 10 yr old because I don't have all the problems with her mom. I am really getting frustrated with her, so much to the point that I don't want to do anything for her kids....but I pray about it and come to my senses, I would never make him choose so here we are, dealing with yet another one of her tantrums....anybody have suggestions I am at wits end.

[gemmani]

Let her be upset. Let her be unhappy. Let her sit in her own misery instead of trying to better her life. Take her to court and have visitation set up. Afterwards, if she tries to withold the child from him, file a contempt charge. Take the power out of her hands and into the courts. As for you, is she constantly harrassing you? If so, either limit the contact you have with her, or get a restraining order. The best way to deal with children having temper tantrums is to ignore them. If your BM wants to act like a child, then treat her like one. Act like she doesn't exist, and do not let her bother you. That's her main goal: to get to you. So simply deny her that. She says something stupid, you smile and say calmly, "is that so?". Its will piss her off BIG TIME, and you don't have to sacrifice your class and dignity (for we must all be classy. Leave the trashy to BM). She's miserable, and she wants you two to be miserable. Don't give her that satisfaction. Don't let her take over your relationship with thoughts of her. Be happy with your fiance and live your life. Do what you have to do, and ignore everything else.
Have a great day!

[nomoredrama]

I agree totally with Germanni's post. If she is feeling envious, it is her cross to bear. Just keep being the best SM that you can be. You are working hard and you have a right to enjoy the fruits of YOUR labor.

I don't think that BMs realize that BDs don't get the things that they have on their own. My DH's BM told my DH what WE could afford to pay her each month. She doesn't realize that WE do not have a child with her. My DH has a child with her. She has compared the things that our children have versus what her child has. What she doesn't understand is that I am a college graduate with a good job....I am also not above taking on work as an independent contractor to make additional money when I want to. So, if I decide that I want to get something for my children, I do it. Many times, I do it with the money that I earn by myself.

Don't apologize for the things that you have. Again, it is the BM's cross to bear. She has to resolve her jealousy feelings by herself.

[sbimiss]

ty1981..I have read most of your posts and I find many similarities. My bf has 2 BMs, one of which I get along with wonderfully along with her SO. Just like you, the 4 of us are able to work together. I find myself wanting to do more for the older child because of the ease with her mother and SO. The other BM has made so many things impossible for us. Being the good person I consider myself to be, I still do what I have to do to treat these children equally and do for them equally regardless of the relationship my bf and I have with the 2nd BM. It has come to the point where there is no communication with her. My bf speaks with her mother and we find it easier to handle things with her. If I buy something for the child I can easily send it to her without any scrutiny. My bf has always encouraged me to ignore her ignorance. She is quite the delusional type as I am sure you are familiar with. I found strength in ignoring her and making her deal with her miseries on her own or at least take it out on someone else other than my bf or I. I hope that you can find some solitude in your current situation with the BM. I wonder how she would feel if she had a relationship and someone kept barging in do and saying things that are completely out of line? You have worked hard for the things you and your fiancee have accomplished....don't allow someone else that has no business to step in on that.

[youknowwhatitis]

BM needs a reality check....did she really think God was going to reward her with a ring when she came in between someone elses relationship and had a child. Be for real. Home wreckers do not become house wifes. BE FOR REAL.

Question: Why is it that people think that just because someone married them that they are all that? Just because your DH married you doesn't mean that anything was wrong with any other woman he dated they may have just not been what he was looking for. Just like your DH cheated on his other wife with BM and they divorced. She remarried and found someone that was for her. It just seems to me that some people think that because they are married and have children with someone that sets them 1 level above the rest. A lot of people just get married for status or financial purposes. Marriage in my opinion is so overrated. All it is is a LEGAL relationship. If people would stop making such a big DEAL about it I think people could actually get married and stay married. What do you think??

I notice at my church people are always talking about are you married. Or the pastor will say only for married couples. Let's be for real there are people who are not married whose situations are better than some people who are married. My uncle and aunt were married. Got divorced and then stayed in the same house and stayed together over 20 years. My daddy dearest has been married over 30 years and has two children who aren't his wifes. My sister play sister is married and has two boys and she is a single mom....has a boyfriend and her hubby won't work and refuses to pay CS. Isn't making marriage the standard instead of healthy productive people who eventually link up with other healthy productive people what's fueling this divorce frenzy and baby mama/daddy frenzy. If we get ourselves spiritually, mentally, emotionally healthy first we can attract someone like us. Why keep harping on marriage it is getting played out to me. I'm off my soapbox..

[gemmani]

I see what you're saying Youknowwhatitis, and there's some truth to it. To me, marriage is about a few things. 1. You spend the rest of your life (hopeully) with the person you love. There's communication, there's honesty and openness, and love. 2. It is a status thing also, you're beyond just dating, you are a couple in the eyes of the law. 3. In my case, our families take us more seriously now that we're getting married. 4. We have the comfort of knowing that this person will be around for life (again, hopefully). 5. I look forward to growing with my fiance and experiencing life together.
That being said..........
There are the people that want to get married b/c it sounds good. Or because they want a wedding. Those people never look past the wedding day to understand that a marriage is more than that. They don't understand that there's work involved, that its not a "happily ever after", it's just the beginning of your life together.
I don't feel that marriage overrated. Its the biggest commitment you can make to another person. The problem is people run and get married to the wrong people for the wrong reasons. How many people stay in bad relationships? Red flags are evident early in the relationship, but they choose to ignore them. People feel that marriage can fix relationship issues. People don't take the time to know themselves, let alone another person. They get married for the reasons Youknow stated, plus a bunch of other equally dumb reasons. I would never commit myself to someone because of anything besides love and compatibility. So the people who get married for:
financial stability, obligation (babies), status, lust, pressure (to get married), or for love but ignored all the red flags-
These are the some of the people who account for the almost 50% divorce rate. People lately have had lower standards when it comes to choosing a mate. They accept things they should never accept. Females are so quick to give it up to any fine dude (or not so fine), then they try to base an actual relationship out of that. People fall in love with the IDEA of marriage. People start to get desperate for a mate because that what SOCIETY dictates, so they settle for any Tom, thingy, or Harry (Sally, Jen, or Barbara) just so they can be "acceptable". Until people can learn to expect MORE from themselves and from their mates, the institution of marriage will continue to weaken. Its a shame that something so beautiful is being abused so badly.

[jaylady999]

I agree with every single person that says to IGNORE THIS WOMAN. seriously. Do not let her steal your joy. That is HIS bm, let him deal with her. It would nice for you all to get along like you do with his other BM, but that is not the reality in this case. So to hell with her. Do you and dont make her your concern. I spent the first few years of my relationship with my now husband always upset about BM and why she acts the way she does and why she is blaming me for the fact that her and her BD are not together. It wasnt until i completely just began to pray for her and let HIM deal with his drama and I just supported him on my end, that things began to get better for us. Her objective is to make life as miserable for you as it is for her, dont give her that.

[sbimiss]

I'm still in the "wondering why" phase. lol I can't understand why this BM has all this hostility towards me and my relationship. I wonder even more so because my bf was never in a relationship with her other than the few careless sexual encounters that lead to her pregnancy. Jaylady999, you said some things that made me realize that maybe I will never understand why. Maybe, I need to move on from that as my bf so often encourages me to. His answer is the same as your last sentence. I never wanted to accept that answer from him because I felt that there has to be a reason why she behaves this way. I've got the hang of things by ignoring her but I still can't figure out why someone would waste so much energy in being hateful and vindictive when the other party isn't doing a thing to encourage the behavior.

[jaylady999]

Ty, trust me, we've all been there. And quite honestly, this is one of those things you just have to learn to let go. There is no rhyme or reason to the behavioural pattern of the average BM. And had just really learned that worrying about her and why she is so adament to just spit so much hate like venom was only wearing me out. I think this is one of those things that you will never understand and that maybe BM will come around in due time, but if she doesnt, its still ok. Stay positive and pray for her. It has to be hard to be that miserable. But all the emotional energy we are giving to these BM's could so much more productively be used in loving the men that had the babies with them. Some of these BM's are completely miserable, and misery definately loves company.

[gemmani]

Think about it this way: if you understood why BM is the way she is, then you'd be just like her! Be greatful you don't understand ignorance!

[jaylady999]

Jul 22, 2008 14:57:07 GMT -5 gemmani said:

Think about it this way: if you understood why BM is the way she is, then you'd be just like her! Be greatful you don't understand ignorance!

AMEN!

[ty1981]

BM is a teacher....lol.....it's ironically funny that this banana cream pie is enstilling behaviors in youth!

[sbimiss]

ty....that only goes to show that BMs can be from any walk of life......high, low, middle, and they create the same kind of drama.

[bmdramaof2]

I feel ya TY..I live with the same situtation and I hate it my husband and I are both very successful and I think it's unfair because we are punished for the fruits of our labor. I got a Range Rover for Christmas and I pay for it myself and BM got pissed and said no one ever help me or supported me my parents won't nor my ex husband and the not only do you need to provide for your daughter but you need to provide for me I deserve a better life then this and you are going to give it to me its not fair you guys live in a house and drive fancy cars now you need to pay up more. So I understand what you feel you want to scream, pregnant dog them out and cry all at the sametime. But Ignoring her is the best thing to do. Good Luck~

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