|
|
Post by msiheartmyself on Jun 18, 2008 16:53:08 GMT -5
So...I've been in this relationship for 3 months and I just recently found out that my boyfriend has had sex with his BM at least once in the beginning of our relationship...she is just now finding out about me and apparently he tried to down-play who I am, etc (these are her words) to her.
I'm a pretty good judge of character and what I gather about her is that she is a VERY drama oriented female and she is also the type that if she's not with him then she doesn't want anyone to be with him. It's like she lives to make him miserable. So I can see why he didn't say anything to her about me although that did bother me a lil bit. I am not a drama type of chic and I am on my "grown woman" dealing with school and work.
I am more than willing to forgive this one incident between them but I am confused as to whether or not I should. I don't want to give up my relationship because of her. I have fallen for this man deeply but I don't know if I want to deal with his crazy butt BM. We are still basking in the newness of our relationship and I am feeling so stuck. A part of me wants to say screw it and move on. But the other part of me is like give him another chance.
What would you do in this particular situation? Do males ALWAYS continue to sleep with their BM's once it's over?
|
|
|
|
Post by gemmani on Jun 18, 2008 17:52:02 GMT -5
Hi! Welcome to the board! I'm new myself but let's see if I have any useful advice......
No. Men do not always continue to sleep with the BMs. Some do, its not uncommon. Maybe b/c of the comfort factor.
As for your situation, no offense, but I see a few red flags here. Him sleeping with her, him down-playing who you are to him, not good signs. I guess before I make a judgement, I need more info. How serious are you two now versus three months ago? What is the relationship like between BM and BD? Does she contact you? Does your man talk to you regarding BM? Doesn he set boundaries with BM?
IMO, your relationship doesn't look very promising. Him sleeping with the BM, her not knowing about you, the fact that she seems to like drama- it all sounds like one big disaster with you coming out the loser. Three months is still very new, so maybe the way it began is not indicative of the type of relationship you'll have. But there will be drama up your a$$ if you stay in this relationship with BM. And if your BF is playing both sides, it will not change, it will get worse.
So you say you are a good judge of character. So am I, and I know that your judgment can fly out of the window when you are in love. Everything seems so rosy. As much as possible, try to be objective when observing your BF with his BM. Make sure you know who it is you are dealing with, before committing yourself to all this drama. Like you said, its only been three months. Make sure this guy is worth all the upcoming drama. It would be a shame to be dealing with all that BMD for someone who doesn't deserve it.
|
|
|
|
Post by msiheartmyself on Jun 18, 2008 19:15:17 GMT -5
Ummm...the sleeping with her in the beginning I can understand because to be completely honest I though that this was just going to be nothing more than us talking on the phone & kickin it myself.
The part about him down playing me--her words. I know that I can't trust all if anything that she say and I haven't yet asked him about that.
Like I said I thought that this was going to be nothing more than a friend type of situation but it has turned out to be much more for the both of us...or so I thought. So I guess you can say things are/were pretty serious.
He tries not to deal with her if he doesn't have to leaving his Mom to be the "middle-man"/ mediator between the two. She has never tried to contact me to my knowledge. He has said things to me, not necessarily about her but regarding their daughter. Boundaries...well there has never been an issue until now...
|
|
|
|
Post by sbimiss on Jun 18, 2008 19:28:06 GMT -5
I do not necessarily think your relationship is bound to be doomed. Instead, I think things are just settling in for you and the other parties involved. Any relationship takes work. You are the only one to know what is really going on that is of course, if the two of you communicate. It is def. very difficult to have a relationship with someone that has a connection to an ex not only by the child but by intimate events that can be very misleading to one person or the other. I do not believe all males continue to sleep with their BM's. I know this because my bf was not intimate with his BM after she got pregnant. They have a very hateful relationship and always have since she became pregnant mainly because she wanted one thing and he wanted another...or lack there of should I say. I think it really depends on the circumstances. If he was invovled with her for a very long period of time then you may need to reconsider. It's not that he is not the right man for you, it may just be that this is the wrong time. Alot of men are capable of having healthy relationships after the BM just as long as things are made clear through example. Actions always speak louder than words when it comes to BMD. If he is consistent in showing her that he has nothing to hide and genuinely wants to be in a faithful and honest relationship then he should. He should not fear her reaction. The only one that suffers these consequences is the child. Your relationship may suffer only if you let it and I agree with gemmani. You def. have to be sure that you want to invest in this relationship providing what you have already experienced. If I were you, I would have a serious talk with him and express what your expectations are. Allow him to show you that he is willing and sooner or later you will see if he is suitable for you. We are all here for different reasons and at one point or another we have had our share of BMD and some of us, like yourself are dealing with it currently. You can gain much insight from others who have been there and done that. Good luck in finding some guidance.
|
|
|
|
Post by nomoredrama on Jun 19, 2008 1:41:03 GMT -5
Ummm...the sleeping with her in the beginning I can understand because to be completely honest I though that this was just going to be nothing more than us talking on the phone & kickin it myself. It really does not matter if you and your BF were just "kickin" it in the beginning. The fact remains that he was still sleeping with his BM. Your BF has given his BM a reason to believe that they still have a connection OTHER than the child. Sex equals an emotional connection for most women. Your BF is the cause of the BM's drama. The very fact that he was sleeping with the BM is indicative of the fact that he is not ready to be in a relationship with anyone else. My point is that he has to be completely free of the BM (even when he is NOT in a relationship) before he can fully commit to another woman. This is probably a cycle. He has probably slept with the BM when he is not in a relationship because she is "available." But, when he is in a relationship he expects the BM to "understand" that what they had was over. It does not work that way for women. In the BM's mind, YOU are the other woman. SHE was still intimately involved with the BD when he started "kickin" it with you. The BD did not have to SAY that they were in a relationship or had a future together. The BD was SHOWING her EVERYTIME he slept with her. The BM's feelings are probably totally wrapped up into the BD. Most women can not shut their emotions off that quickly. She has a child by him & what girl does not dream of happily ever after? When did your BF start using his mother as a mediator? Obviously not in the beginning of your relationship or he would not have had an opportunity to sleep with the BM. Your BF needs to set boundaries with the BM and let her know that his dealings with her are COMPLETELY about the child. And the boundaries must be set prior to beginning a relationship with another woman. You are still in a new relationship with the BD but he does not sound trustworthy...And it sounds as though you are making excuses for his behavior and blaming the BM for a situation that your BF helped to create. There are a lot of women on the board whose boyfriends/husband/fiances have set boundaries with the BM but the BM refuses to accept reality. It doesn't sound like your BF & his BM fit that description. He has given her a reason to have "hope." You have a reason to RUN, not walk, away from this situation. If you stick around it will only get worse... |
|
|
|
Post by gemmani on Jun 19, 2008 9:52:58 GMT -5
Remember my point.......
This relationship is new, and you are still in the "lust, rose-colored glasses" phase. I see you put alot of the blame on the BM, but it takes two to tango. I used to be in that EXACT situation. So I know what its like. You feel that no one else understands how it is between you two, and if anything funny seems to be going on, its BM's fault. Now, I'm not saying that's not the case, it very well may be. I'm not saying its completely doomed, but you must try to look at you BF objectively and figure out his role in things. Pay attention to things that strike you as a possible red flag. Just learn what you need to know about this man before you decide to committ yourself to his Baby Momma Drama. Find out if he's worth it, b/c its a hard path.
|
|
|
|
Post by msiheartmyself on Jun 19, 2008 11:42:17 GMT -5
Please don't mis-understand me...Right is right and Wrong is wrong...I by no means place all the blame of this situation on his BM...the bulk if not all is on him. Nor am I making excuse for him because again...right is right and wrong is wrong and he was dead wrong.
I am just trying to figure out if I want to proceed further in this relationship or do I call a quits here? I believe in forgiveness (not forgetting) and moving on. But I also know that if someone is showing you who they really are you need to believe em. So I am really just trying to get everything figured out...I have a million and one thoughts in my head and I don't know which way to go.
I appreciate all of the feedback that I am getting here even though ultimately I know that the end result/decision will be my choice.
|
|
|
|
Post by gemmani on Jun 19, 2008 15:05:38 GMT -5
You do what you feel in your heart is right. We are talking via computer, so of course we don't have the full scope of the situation. People also have different personal limits/ standards. So just figure out what you will, and will not tolerate in a relationship, then compare it to your current one. Make a list, it helps  And the end of the day, you know what's right for you. Hopefully, we just gave you points to think about. |
|
|
|
Post by memyslfni on Jun 20, 2008 1:28:51 GMT -5
In my case the bm/bd connection has turned out to be quite overwhelming. How I see it is that they are so used to old ways and just like some have mentioned that bm's take a little longer to let go of those old feelings and the alot of times bd doesnt have sense enough to know he needs to watch his every move with bm. As they can take things for more than what they are. For example, He gives her a shoulder to cry on and She thinks he still has feelings for her just by giving her 10 minutes to vent. When all he is trying to do is keep the peace...
|
|
|
|
Post by nomoredrama on Jun 20, 2008 4:38:48 GMT -5
But I also know that if someone is showing you who they really are you need to believe em. Exactly my point...Men show women who they are. We women just sometimes do not want to believe what we see. 3 months of dating is not enough time to decide whether or not to commit to BMD (baby mama drama). While dating your BF, I would recommend observing his & his BM's contact closely. Also observe your BF's actions closely. Yes, I recommend scrutinizing his actions because signing on to a man with baby mama drama is no joke. What is your BF doing to SHOW you the person that he really is? Try not to focus on what the BM is showing you because you aren't in a relationship with her. Is your BF drawing the lines in the sand with the BM? Or, does he make excuses for the BM's inappropriate contact with him? Please don't believe that you can change/help your BF. Some women are better at bringing out the man's strong points but the man is still essentially the same person. |
|
|
|
Post by gemmani on Jun 20, 2008 9:58:17 GMT -5
Speak the truth, tellit. |
|
|
|
Post by wowposter on Sept 8, 2008 19:51:10 GMT -5
|
|
|
|
Post by wowposter on Sept 9, 2008 10:10:43 GMT -5
|
|
And the end of the day, you know what's right for you. Hopefully, we just gave you points to think about.