Poor Kids.......

[gemmani]

Well, we finally got the skids back for the weekend! It felt good to be around them again. After they has been dropped off to BM's house, my fiance told me something that really makes me angry and sad at the same time.
When fiance got there to pick them up, SS4 was sitting out front on the porch. He jumped up and said, "Cool, we get to go to Daddy and Gemmani's house! Is Gemmani home?" BM had came up behind him, and when she heard him her face screwed up and she smacked him on the head and told him to watch his mouth. (?)His face bunched up like he was going to cry and he said sorry, I won't say it again. I guess she meant my name? So they all got to my house and immediately the 2 girls latch onto me. SD2 kept calling me mommy over and over. I told her she was being silly, she knows who her mommy is, and she knows my name quite well. So SD6 says that SD2 likes calling me mommy b/c I give her hugs and don't push her away. I tried my d**nedest not to react in any type of way, but that broke my heart. And when it comes time for them to leave, ss4 starts his usual breakdown: Mommy's not gonna be home. Daddy can we just stay here? If mommy's not there can we come back? I don't wanna go home!!
Fiance thinks that SS4 gets the brunt of BMs resentment b/c he's the most vocal. He blurts stuff out. He's only 4 so its not like he knows how to filter his thoughts, but it probably makes BM mad and poor SS4 has to deal with it.
Another thing that made us sad was SD6. While she was with us, I noticed how she took control over the younger two when they were misbehaving. She got control over them they way a seasoned mother of 4 handles her kids. It seemed like she has to do that a lot. She just seems so much older and worn out than a 6 year old should. She's been so quiet and all she wanted were hugs and kisses. I told her, wow, you are a good big sister, you handle your siblings so well. And she said that she has to do that or they'll get into bad trouble. I didn't ask more questions, but I did pull fiance aside to mention it.
I really don't know what is going on at BM's house, but my heart is breaking for these kids. They are so awesome, and they have so much love to offer. I get showered with non-stop affection when they are here and I give it right back. I think they are starved for it. My fiance feels awkward about showing them affection, and he thinks it bothers me when they jump all over me. I feel like if he feels weird about it and BM doesn't do it, then dammit, I'm gonna give these poor kids all the affection and attention they need. I just wish I was around them more. I guess that's why I met their father (besides falling for him), I feel I am supposed to be their step mom and be there for these little darlings. I never, ever, EVER thought that I can feel love for some else's children, but I love those kids and I need for them to have a happy childhood and I wish they were happy to go to BM's like they were happy to see us.
Sorry ladies, there's no question or anything, this is just a vent.

[memyslfni]

I sorta feel your pain gemmani, except you're more fortunate than I am to be able to have his kids come and spend time with you and dh. I wish that was the case over here but bm refuses to budge and dh just cant seem to get enough will power to just bring em. I hope something happens soon before bm has those kids totally turned against me. I've only met them once and for that ten minutes they only wanted to come back but never did. Like ur situation gemmani, I think that they are deprived of that love and affection because the mom is too busy trying to buy their love. So sad that a person feels so insecure with themselves that they think someone could/would actually want take their child from them (some situations do call for it). On another note, recently I let my son go with his father and he got to meet his new baby sister. Bd didnt have to ask me because he knows I wont trip when it comes to that kind of stuff. I encourage him to take care of his new baby even if he isnt with the bm. Basically you make it you take care of it! Which means time as well as money. He apparently feels that if he does something for his new baby that he'd be putting her in front of our son and I dont agree with that. She doesnt deserve to be left out because of the decision made by two adults. Bd just has to work even harder to support his 2 kids.... I also mentioned to my dh that the only reason I push for him to bring his kids over is to spend more time with them then the usual. I am all for a father being their for his children but its hard when not everyone in the picture see's it that way. Some use the excuse that they are just protecting their kids and dont take the time to get to know the new person. So the excuse is just a way out. And like I've mentioned before all I can do is focus on the kind of mother I am with my kids.

[youknowwhatitis]

From my BM perspective...........I know BM's/BD's good and bad. Take being a BM/BD out of the picture and you would have nasty, conniving, poor excuse of mother's/fathers, phony, fakers, low character and integrity having people. It's not being a BM or a BD that makes you who you are it's what you already where. Becoming a BD or BM usually highlights the type of person you [/b]really are. In my case....my family got their faces cracked (dad's side) they thought because I had my son that I was going to be doing horrible and stuff. They were waiting to see me fall. Kudos to Jesus, he never let that happen actually me becoming a BM actually highlighted to my family that they were wrong and that I am a smart intelligent, strong, capable woman with or without BD around. Now they have to respect me I've earned it. And I learned the only respect I want is that I have earned. Because no one can take it away from me I earned it!!!

[gemmani]

Youknowwhatitis.......
That's exactly it. Its not even a BM perspective, its just all around true. The situation compounds their inherent personality. So if they were a good, honest person before, they will continue to be after the child is born, no matter the situation. If they were already spoiled, phony, selfish, manipulative, then those characteristics won't go away just b/c there's a baby.
That really helped me understand our BM a bit more. According to fiance, his friends, and his family, she was already like she is now. So there's no difference! I refuse to be surprised about her actions anymore. But I REALLY WANT TO STEP TO HER. That's not even my style, I like intellectual battles. I want to hurt her. When I think of her punishing those kids just b/c they had a good time at our house or b/c they mentioned my name........DOESN'T SHE WANT HER KIDS TO BE HAPPY? LOVED? CARED FOR??? I hate, Hate, HATE those selfish mothers that can't see beyond their feeling to consider their kids. I understand she has feelings. Her and my fiance were together for about 6 years, so I know its not easy getting over that. But, IMHO, when you become a mother, your children come before you. Their well-being should superceed any bitterness, at least being outwardly bitter. Do you think I like it when the skids are telling me about their mom? I HATE being reminded about her. It touches at some deep insecurity in me, you know, the woman before me, etc. But I just say "Oh how nice!" or "Wow, your mommy's great" or some other bold faced lie. I put my feelings aside when they talk, b/c its not about me at this point. And it pays off. They come tell me everything. My SD6 knows how to limit and filter what she says to her mom. I feel so sad for them.

[gemmani]

And don't worry. I won't step to BM. Its tacky, plus it won't solve a d**n thing. But I won't lie and say that urge isn't crazy right now!

[memyslfni]

Ooh gemmani, It felt great stepn to mine in a polite/womanly/peaceful way. Of course she wasn't woman enough to speak what was on her mind (maybe when she decides to be mature about it she'll holler) but until then it felt good to let her know that I dont have a problem with communication as long as its respectful

[memyslfni]

i know what you mean tellit, my purpose was not to be her friend but to give her that option to communicate with me being that we are strangers to each other. Because in reality I am a stranger to her and her kids and I just wanted to give her that option to come at me as a woman and I needed to see for myself that she wasnt ready. I know I cant expect others to think like me, but it would be nice.

[tellit]

I think that part of the BM's game was to try to befriend me. I started acknowledging her when SD was about 5 years old. SD was old enough to pickup on tension...DH & BM were always going thru it for one reason or another. Normally it was because she wanted him to do something and he did not want to do it. She would try to make him do it..They would argue, he would come home upset after picking up his child or dropping her off. I decided that if I changed in my response to BM, maybe it would change DH & BM's relationship, & help SD in the long run.
BM then called me and asked if she could "deal" with me instead of my DH because they did not get along. I should have shut her down right there but I didn't. I never told her yes or no but BM just started calling me for this and that...That's when MY stress began.

At first BM & I had "innocent" conversations. Then she started sliding in comments about my DH...He only likes fried foods, he used to leave his shoes all over the house, etc.....Weird!! I thought, this girl is CRAZY if she thinks I am going to let her reminiscence about my DH with me. I would quickly steer things back to my SD but I tried to be polite. There is NO being polite with her. Dirty only understands DIRTY.

[youknowwhatitis]

She had plans on causing you stress anyways she just found her opening. I think the hardest thing about having a DH with a BM is that there is another woman who knows hims half as much as you do and has a child that is solely connected to him. That is a bit much to chew.

[tellit]

I would be naive thinking that she didn't know him at one point. They used to date (actually engaged) and have a child together. I did not want to THINK about it. I do not want to hear about the things they did while they dated...It was irrelevant to me. She USED to know him. She used to know what buttons to press and she pressed them hard. DH has really matured so she now only knows the person that he WAS. Only his mother & I know him now. I think that fact is hard for the BM to chew on. She could no longer get to him so she ran off with the child. That did not work like she wanted...So now I think she just wants to make our lives miserable...And she has caused A LOT of drama but each move she makes only makes our commitment to each other stronger.

[youknowwhatitis]

You know what tell it you are exactly right....because I know that I have changed a lot as a person since BD. So the old things that may would have bothered me don't bother me anymore. That's why I never responded to his text message yielding insults. He's obviously demented and thinks that insulting me is going to hurt my feelings. I am no longer sensitive to the comments of others. I guess they think I'm still angry about them and what they attempted but in the end I'm smarter stronger and very soon will be a hell of a lot wealthier. So in actuality have I really lost anything? I conclude NO. My reasoning: BD has psychological problems stemming from childhood, refuses to acknowledge them or work on them. BD has permanent brain injury + psychological problems = HOT AZZ MESS. He can bring no good to my son or to me so he is better off where the h*ll he is : OUT OF THE PICTURE. His family obviously had no real loyalty towards my son from jump street so why should I expect them to magically develop some. It's not going to happen when he turns 2 I' m nailing that door shut. No one reserves the right to periodically pop up and interefere in my life or my son's without my permission. Especially someone or some people who haven't invested anything into my son. I think I was most angry over the unnecessary emotional distress the whole situation caused me. But I see now that God had a purpose in it all. Even when we deviate from his plan he knows how to and will restore. I emerge from the fire a refined, well-polished, wise, educated, strong woman who has earned her respect. And as far as his respects or theirs I don't need it......THEY ARE NOTHING when it comes to my son and that means they are NOTHING when it comes to me.

[tellit]

Youwhatwhat...sensitive about the comments of others??? I can't imagine . When I first started posting here, you know that we came at you pretty hard. You went toe to toe with us and you earned our respect. It was hilarious but you held your ground. I can't imagine you being sensitive about what someone has said about you. LOL. But when it is personal and dealing with your son, I can understand why it may have affected you.

I am hoping that one day your BD will grow up too and realize that his son needs him. Women are strong and we are POWERFUL in our own right, but children need their fathers. But your BD needs to seek you out (the right way) for contact with his child. Stop the silly text messages...He has not realized that it is not about YOU but it is about his SON. What he and you had is over and done with. You have moved on and bettered yourself. If he wants to send text messages, he should send text messages asking about his child "How is my son? I would like to discuss picking my son up for a visit?" If he shows some interest in his son, I am certain that he would see an improvement and yours and his relationship...

[gemmani]

Well BM hasn't tried contacting me at all. Of course she sends little messages through the kids, but I nip that in the bud as soon as it comes out. She also tried to get some of her family member to fight me by accusing me of throwing the 6 year old into the wall. (Riiiiiiiiight) She was also trying to get my fiance to leave me b/c I'm "violent with his kids". Whatever. But I'm definately not crying about the lack of contact.

It was the same B.S., different toilet this weekend. Only, instead of the normal tears and "We don't want to go to mommy's house", the kids, except the 2y.o, told us that they don't like their mother. I've never a heard a 6 year old and a 4 year old say that about their mom. What the hell are you doing to cause your very young children to dislike you? Every week, its the same song and dance. I have been pushing fiance to talk to his kids about it. I mean, they don't want to leave, ok. But the tears and outbursts every Sunday is starting to disturb me. Seeing the two oldest negotiating with their dad to just stay at our house b/c they "don't like mommy" tells me something isn't right. Whenever he does ask them about it, they clam up and say they can't talk. Red flags, anyone???

[memyslfni]

Hey gemmani, I was stressing that fact to my dh that maybe his bm wont allow him to take off with the kids because she has something to hide that the kids may leak out. Ya know like maybe having different male friends around them and stuff that bm would be ashamed of if bd found out she was being a sleeze. Or maybe to avoid having to hear him complain about how messy she is with her kids. Some bm's like myself eventually suck it up and take it like a woman, once I realized it was none of my bd's business I stopped caring about what he may hear from my son. He would only want to question me, which in reality it wasnt about me and him anymore but about our son. My bm is always looks for sympathy from my dh and that makes me sick. Looking for someone to tell her something to make her day better. I mean she's a grown a$$ woman when will she start acting like one and she has a man. (Go figure)

[gemmani]

Oh yessssss memyslfni, that's also another thing that gets to me. They say these thingsand they express their unhappiness, but when we (more my fiance) try to find out why, they completely shut down and say they can't talk. I'm pretty sure BM tells them not to tell daddy this and that. Actually, he was questioning one time why his son had a large dark bruise on his face. The son (who was 3 at the time) told us that his mom hit him. His oldest daughter (5 at the time) got mad at her brother and told him to "remember" that he fell down. The son refused to say that, he kept saying, no I didn't fall, mommy hit me. My fiance got upset and told the oldest to tell him what happened, and to tell the truth. She broke down crying, saying I can't tell you, I'll get a beating. (P.S.- Fiance called CPS, they told him that they had once had a case where a mom hit her child with a slipper and it left the same kind of bruise, so they wouldn't do anything. The boy's face was DARK PURPLE, meanwhile this incident had happened 3 days before we saw them. His face was swollen, and his nose was cut. WHAT THE HELL DID A 3 YEAR OLD DO TO GET HIT LIKE THAT?)
It's so sad b/c these kids are way too young to have to deal with keeping secrets and lying to the other parent. If BM would have had her sh*t together in the first place, there'd be no need for secrets. My fiance and I have never told to kids to "not tell mommy" anything. They don't need that stress.