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Post by angelnmo on Apr 13, 2008 13:26:44 GMT -5
I need some advice. I would especially like to get some ideas from keia or other BMs who read this post. I will soon marry my fiancee and will become an instant stepmother to his child. I have been in the picture since birth and have grown to care for the child. How do I remain supportive of my future husband, be accepting and loving towards the child, all without offending the BM. I put myself in her shoes, and know that as a new mother she is very protective of her child being around people she doesn't know. My fiancee knows me quite well because we have been together for several years and feels comfortable with me around their child. Please, any advice on how to walk this fine line without overstepping boundaries?
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Post by downazzchick on Apr 13, 2008 18:43:09 GMT -5
Good Response tellitlikeitis! I'm glad to here that your BM approves of your relationship with your SD. angelnmo your future husband will see for himself that you love and care for his child by your actions. I say keep trying and eventually the BM will see you have good intentions with her child.
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Post by wbmama on Apr 14, 2008 5:05:16 GMT -5
Here's a little of my story that will relates to your question angelno -
In the beginning, I invited the BM over to the house to get to know me and my kids, in attempts to reassure her of what kind of mom I am. She ignore that. Since then, she has realized that I love her child and treat him very well and she doesn't care. Her favorite line is "He is a outsider in your home". I tore into her over that. Because that what she wants to believe. She doesn't want to know that he's happy when he comes over. Seriously.
She looks for things to complain about - like telling my DH that he should sleep with the child! Boy, is that transparent.
I have continued to be myself, love the child, and just flat out ignore the mom. I know that no matter what I do - I could save her son's life and she would still treat me like sh**.
Just don't try to prove anything to the bm - let her come to you. If she cares about her child she will. I tried that too ( but that's another story).
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Post by wbmama on Apr 14, 2008 5:07:58 GMT -5
I just figured out something!!!!
I typed in B*tch and pregnant dog came up when I posted.
Things that make you go "hummmm'
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Post by lovejones08 on Apr 14, 2008 20:50:12 GMT -5
HA! I was trying to figure out the pregnant dog thing myself. HAHAHAHHHAH LOLLOL !! Too funny. In response to angelnmo, Your job is not too worry about whether BM approves of you and your relationship she does not have the authority. DH committment is to his child. If BM is causing problems it is not because she's just being a protective mom that is just the excuse she is using to keep the child away. A protective mom will get to know you on a friendly basis if you're not acting silly. If it's not all good then BMD isacummin'. You will be a part of this whether BM likes it or not, but she should consider yopu being a part of the situation because when her baby gets the choking on something or fell down and bumped his/her head I'm sure she would want you to make it your business, right? I'm sure she wouldn't want you to walk away and say o'well that's non of my business let me go get my nails done. HOLLA AT CHA LATER KID!!! BM should be a little nicer. I think that is why they don't want you around their children because they know everything they have done to you and they know revenge is a "PREGNANT DOG" LOL i just typed that in.LOL!!! I think I'm on to something. I'm glad woman like us don't take ot out on the kids because their are women who don't give a d**n and will give the sh*t back to the poor children.
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Post by downazzchick on Apr 14, 2008 22:05:14 GMT -5
You know lovejones, that is something to think about. Do they (BM's) really think that you (wifey/GF) would take any anger or hatred that you have out on the child? Who would actually do that? It's sad if they do.
wbmama, u go girl! I didn't know where that came from. Here I am telling angelnmo, sorry girl, but that term popped up in one of your posts. That's why i was asking you about it!
tellitlikeitis, what's the deal with DH sleeping with the child? Is that what happens when he is at home?
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Post by wbmama on Apr 15, 2008 4:33:12 GMT -5
Yeah that was me. The BM got angry because my DH wouldn't sleep with my SS because he had been sick. The BM just wanted DH outta "our" bed.
I think he sleeps with her - I called her on it and she denied it.
I have strong opinions on a "family bed". I'm watching my 12 year old cousin still sleeping w/her parents. NO WAY! I will love you to pieces during the day light but at night I want my space. Don't get me wrong, a child with a bad dream has many time ended up in bed with us. We will not make a habit of that.
Especially with my SSs who are only here short periods of time. Everyone in my house has their own bed. I think they are all old enough to use it.
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Post by Keia1 on Apr 15, 2008 17:14:09 GMT -5
I think some good keys to being a good stepmother is :
-Encouraging and building up the child
-Always including the child in family activities
-Understanding that the child has two accustom to two different families it may be semi-difficult because everyone runs their home differently
-Not taking out frustations with BM or BD on the child
-Just letting a kid be a kid
-Don't always side with your kids let them work out if possible if not you and BD fix the problem so it can't be blamed on you if BM doesn't like the outcome
-Remember kids do talk so watch what you say around them
-Realize the kid is probably going to be interrogated as soon as he/she gets home so give them something good to report
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Post by downazzchick on Apr 17, 2008 15:16:36 GMT -5
I think I do all of the above and a little too much of the last one. That is Y BM gets so angy and refuses to let the child come over often. She doesn't have bad things to say. See I treat SD like my own. If she is there and it is time to rake leaves or whatever she better roll up her sleeves cause I don't want to change to cater to anyone. We don't accomodate her in any way. She spent the night one weekend and my kids were gone (1 spent the night with a friend and the other with my parents) that's just how it worked out that BM said she could come. DH got up and went to work Sat morning and I got up cleaning up. When she woke up she was the only kid at the house. We had nothing special planned and I was not jumping through hoops trying to entertain her. She already knew to get her a bowl of cereal and chill.
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Post by jusdntundstn on Apr 17, 2008 19:24:00 GMT -5
Gurl stop it, ya'll cant chase after that woman because she lost and comfused. Just do ya'll for a minute, dont put to much effort into that woman. This is what she wants, she knows how important sd is to ya'll. You did your best, she just needs to come to her senses. Yall can only do your part, now its up to her to do hers. Please dont let this woman make yalls life miserable, cuz gurl u know like everyone of us on this board knows, SHE AINT WORTH IT...
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Post by jusdntundstn on Apr 17, 2008 20:22:18 GMT -5
gURL FriEnd noW, ThatS thE paRt I jUsDnTuNdsTn...IvE jUst StoPpeD TrYin To HaRd tO mAkE sEnSe oF It All. HoPeFulLy oNe DaY iT wIlL mAkE sEnSe oF ItsElF...OnE GrAy hAiR iZ eNuFF foR Me. ;D
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Post by downazzchick on Apr 17, 2008 22:45:10 GMT -5
tellitlikeitis, I know you are a good step mother if you put up with this girls mess. You can't preoccupy your self with her drama. SD will see right through it later. Right now her mama is the reason she (SD) is missing out on a great relationship with her Dad.
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Post by downazzchick on Apr 17, 2008 22:55:14 GMT -5
Give her some time she'll come to her senses. SD is already missing out on what you have to give because of her mom. Work it out girl!
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Post by nomoredrama on Apr 17, 2008 22:59:41 GMT -5
It's already worked out...Gotta let it go! Unnecessary drama that I don't need in my life. Keia is right, this is BD/BM issues. I am just the stepmama.
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