The Annual Call

[mex1111]

Last summer, I received a call from a woman stating she was my long distance BF's wife and that he had a son. This son had been conceived a month before he met me. After that, she called nonstop for a couple days. I was ready to stop communicating with him until he convinced me that he wasn't married, but was sorry about not being clearer about his baby situation. I accepted him again, thinking that I could deal with that, since that was the first time she called. I had been a wreck over that though. She never called when he was present.

A couple days ago, I get out of work and call him, leave a voice mail. I get a call right before I get back to my apartment, and I'm like "Hey!"then I hear "Why the fk are you calling my husband? You keep calling and calling him! [blabla]" and my heart drops.
I said "WHat? I didn't KNOW he was married, he convinced me that he wasn't, I wouldn't try to break up a marriage!"
and she goes "If you're really as good as you say you are you will leave him alone. He has a family! A wife and kids!" I said "a son." she goes "huh?" I said "ONE kid" and she said "yeah"... I had to get that straight..
She passed the phone to my BF's dad for me, 'cause I had been waiting for a chance to talk to someone else from the family. It was a big mess he said "What you're doing is wrong! How would you like when you're married for a woman to get involved with your husband and try to break up your family? He is COMPROMISED (he has an obligation)." I was feeling like a terrible person, but I told him that I really did not think he was married. His dad actually never said married, only compromised.
Then after I asked him to delete my number when he hung up so Jose couldn't call me, I said "one more question sir" (I was in tears), "Where is Jose?" and he was like, "uhh, huh? he went to run an errand."
Jose calls me twenty minutes later apologizing for the inconvenience of what I had to go through. He said that I had a right to not want to speak to him, whatever I believed was fine at this time.
He explains the situation: his dad is visiting Georgia (I already knew that), he and his dad were both visiting his son. Jose left his phone with his dad while he went to run an errand with the baby because his dad was making a long distance call to his wife (Jose's mom), but the call gets disconnected and dad hands the phone to BM (aka "wife"). I'm calling when she has the phone, so she calls me back to cuss me out. Jose is gone for 15-20 minutes and they take advantage of that time to call me. When he got home, they told him what they did and they argued. He asked his dad why he was taking her side and its because he just doesn't want him to abandon the baby. He said he refuses to stay with her by force, because he won't be happy with her.


My thing is... I believe this.
Why has she never called when Jose was in the house? Why didn't she call sooner if she is the wife? How could you let a year pass, not wondering if your husband was talking to someone else? If she was really wifey, she would have seen my number on the phone bill for the past year. If he didn't let her see the phone bill, she'd have to be REALLY stupid to not suspect somethin'. Especially after knowing that he had a girlfriend.

Last year, his sister was using his phone when BM got my number and saw my pictures. This time it was his dad.

I think if she is telling the truth, the best thing to do is call when Jose is right there bust him out. Another thing to do is stop cussing me out. The first time we talked she was being threatening. It makes her less credible in my eyes.

She has my number, she called me from a private line yesterday just to hear my voice. I was hoping it was my dad from overseas but after a few seconds I hear "HELLO" and hang up.

Welcoming input on this situation?

Right now, I feel like a mess when I believe that I really am interfering with their relationship. But I'm also wondering, why doesn't she ever call when Jose is there? I'd be like "Hey muthafak tell this girl that you are married! Now!"

With regards to a man shielding the current woman from the BMD, I think he was doing a good job. I hadn't heard from her since July of 2008. And he kept apologizing for what they put me through. He said I didn't deserve to be cussed at, or any of that mess to be directed at me.


-mex

[jaylady999]

My opinion/advise is as far as figuring out if he is really married or not, its public info. Check the county records. It will all be there in black and white. However, even if he isnt married, something is not right with the situation and I would proceed with caution for sure.

[mex1111]

thanks, jaylady.
I'm still considering whether I want to continue with this relationship. It's gonna take a while. I'm supposed to be visiting him this summer...

[jaylady999]

Are you all long distance??

[Been That Wife]

I agree with Jay, check the public records and take it from there.

IMO based upon my experience being the wife in a similar situation
this all sounds WAY sketchy.
You mention that your relationship is long distance, have you even been to his home or does he always come to visit you?

My husband began cheating soon after we found out that we were expecting our son, the whole relationship not being just about us anymore freaked him all the way out and he reverted to acting like a little boy(not making excused just telling it like it is). I suspected that he was cheating long before I did anything about it because I was focused on being pregnant and then being a new mom, I just didn't have room to worry about another woman, the cheating was long distance and my husband was/is a amazing father so I knew he wasn't leaving just straying.

Once our son was a few months old and I was able to think about something other than being a new mom I called the chick, it took me a while to get her number because my DH was using his work cell which was a bill I didn't have access to and DH frequently left the phone in his car. My tone when talking with the other woman was something along the lines of, "Yo "M" is married, I'm his wife, we have a son and life together. If I catch you with my HUSBAND its gonna be ugly."

I wasn't nice because I didn't have to be, this was the woman that my DH was cheating with. She didn't believe me about us being married but I don't understand why, their affair was mostly limited to the phone due to distance and so it wasn't like he was going home to her every night. The affair went on for about 2 years and the only reason I didn't leave was because I didn't want to be a single mom with a child under 2, and as crazy as it sounds DH even though he was cheating ALWAYS took care of home. I spoke to the chick more than once and she was always like I don't believe "M" is married. When "M" was home we were a happy family, the furthest thing in my mind was calling the chick, I was focused on my family, besides DH would tell me that it was over and because he was home with his family I never thought to call the other woman, I knew where my man was at.

Has your man provided any proof of what he is saying being true?

[MsKokamo]

How far is long distance? And if its already been a year, what is the plan to remove the distance?

This situation stinks no matter how much he apologizes.

[gemmani]

Yeah, this happened to me before.

I didn't believe her either.

And yes, it turned out that I was the other woman.

Talk about feeling like an A$$. But it was my bad, I didn't want to see the writing on the wall.

[mex1111]

Dang... I didn't know you went through that, Gemmani.

Been That Wife, it's sounding too much like this situation. We've been keeping in touch for two years almost, and I have no idea what's being said on the other end. She does keep calling him her husband. Did you ever call the other woman when your husband was there, or some other family member to back you up? If not, why not??

I've never been to his house, he said he was trying to shield me from the drama. He hasn't visited because we're on opposite ends of the country and he says he doesn't have his papers together.

I didn't call him today and he left a message saying I suprised him because I didn't call him, and that he was bored and sad because I haven't called... He hopes I'm OK, that I'm not mad again, or sad, or somethin' bad is goin' on or somethin'...

I ain't sad. I'm fightin' the sadness. You're right, no matter how much he apologizes, I still have to choose whether or not I want a guy with baggage like this...

[Been That Wife]

To answer your question Mex~ No I never had another family member there to back me up, I knew what the truth was and co-signing wasn't needed my mentality was if the broad is stupid enough to continue the affair after I called her then she's a dumb b*tch to fall for my DH's weak games. I'm not saying that is what you are but how I viewed the chick my DH was cheating with. In the 2 year affair he saw her 3 times and the rest was over the phone. I never understood how she saw herself in a relationship with a man she never saw and could never come visit.

As I said, I saw no need to call the chick when my DH was around because
1) He was telling me that it was over, which was being backed up by his actions

2) If my DH was at home with his family then I knew he wasn't with her so why would I be concerned about my DH cheating when I knew for a fact he was home with us

I do know that my MIL cussed her out because my DH answered the phone around her and she snatched it to "give the lil heffa a piece of my mind", from what I was told it was similar to what your man's father said to you.

In my situation there were legit reasons why I didn't confront the chick sooner, the biggest being focusing on my son. It probably would have been different if my DH was MIA on a regular basis, but the only times(3 total in 2 years) he saw her where when he had legit reasons to travel for work(I always double checked). When it finally came down to it I gave my DH a choice, he could either have his family or he could have the other chick but not both. I was there when he called to break it off with her(had the convo on speaker phone). DH told her that he was married and did have a family, the girl was heartbroken but delisionual(sp?) lots of how "could you do this to me/us" "you said you loved me" and we were going to be together". DH was like well remeber how I always have a last minute excuse for holidays and travel to see you? Did you notice you don't have my home phone number? Did you notice I don't take calls after 9:30? Didn't you wonder why you've never visited me?(he'd given her the same sheld from drama line), at the end of it he was like some part of you must have known...I mean after 2 years?

When talking to my DH in counseling about the affair he told me that it was a fantasy escape from his real life with complete devotion but no investment on his part, he could just take and when you are in a marriage especially with kid(s) it just doesn't work that way. nutsty way to deal with feeling overwhelmed but that is what it was about, and I found out that it really isn't all that strange(not ok but not unusual) for guys to cheat when the wife/GF/SO is pregnant.

About a year ago the chick sent him a letter, he showed it to me and then sent it back unopened, cuz at the end of the day our family is more important than his side piece.

[mex1111]

Hey, that sounds like the scenario I've been waiting for... That's good that y'all did it that way, you being there to make sure he tells her the truth. If it's true, she needs to get him on speakerphone to tell the truth... I'm telling you, it sounds almost EXACTLY like my situation.
I will have only seen him 3 times in 2 years too...
If she calls me again, I'm gonna ask her to put him on the speakerphone. But I'm THIS close to sending a text telling him not to call me again. I already have it typed in...

Gemmani, what was your other woman situation like?

[mex1111]

Ms Kokamo, the plan to remove the distance...

He is planning to move to wherever I end up after graduation next year. If I move to Cali to be near my family, he is planning on going there so we can live together, even though my family don't want us together either. My mom recommends not being the other woman who breaks up the family, but knows that I gotta learn on my own. He was going to move out to where I am the first year he met me. That woulda been crazy though, leaving her behind pregnant...

Basically, neither side wants us together. I know, it's stupid. But somethin' is tellin' me to hold on. It could just be me being delusional, but he's the one that won't let go. That's why I'm holdin' on... He won't let me give up.
Truthfully, I keep runnin' through bouts of "FK THIS, I'm done" and "What if he's telling the truth."
I feel stupid when I believe he belongs to another woman, and sad when I feel he's telling the truth because I still wanna let go 'cause it's too much to think about.

PUBLIC RECORDS, I know.

I'm gonna ask her to send a wedding picture, dude.

Y'all are thinkin' I'm hopeless right about now. I just come here to get some input. Thank you for your help and for sharing your stories. They are greatly appreciated.

[gemmani]

Mex~

I met the dude and he was calling me like crazy. At first I avoided him, but eventually we started talking. I had his cell, house and work number. I've been to his house. One day I call his house and a woman answers, talking about how he's her husband. I confronted him about it and he told me that it's just his BM and she's mad because he doesn't want her.

We continue dating, all the while this woman is blowing up my phone and threatening me. Finally around 8 months in, I find out that she actually LIVES there but they weren't married. We get into a confrontation, and he tells me that we can't see each other anymore...........
Yet he continues to call and like an idiot, I continue to see him. Finally, he called me saying that BM wasn't there and that I should come over. It finally hit me that i was playing second-best and that I deserved more. He tried to guilt me into staying around, but I changed my number instead and haven't spoken to him since.

That's the Cliff's Notes version of events. He told me all sorts of things as to why they were still living together. I told myself that WE were the couple and that SHE was the interference. Stupid me. But lesson learned, I refuse to ever be in that predicament again.

[doinwatigottado]

mexx111,
I would cut my losses now if I were you. Don't waste your prescious time on that mess. If his father is calling you backing HER. I'd take his word for it. Whether or not they are legally married is irrelevant. They have something there and unfortunately for you. SHE IS THERE, and you are not. I wouldn't keep investing my emotions as difficult as it may seem to have to pull away. DO IT. Your sanity in the long run will be worth it. I wouldn't be competing with trying to figure out the truth when quite frankly BF's father told you.

[mex1111]

I'm still communicating with this man, ladies. He's still across the country, but I haven't received any more calls from anyone.
He sent me a picture of his son, and he's a real cutie. He's 2 now.

I know y'all will shake your heads at this...
But it's been a slow process.

It's gonna happen soon. I'm graduating from college next month, and probably moving. I'll be able to start over, and move on.

Yesterday, I told him I felt stupid holding on to him, especially b/c his BM gets everything. His family's support, his money, seeing him (possibly more than that).
I gave my dad his address, hoping he'll be able to go meet him, see what he thinks.
No one in my family thinks I should be with him.
EVERYTHING'S tellin' me to go. I need to be single in my future, to focus on a career and personal growth, my family, and being child-free.

It's just taking a while. I feel like I seriously need help.
I'm tempted to change my number.
But he'll stop calling me when I tell him to, he told me that.
Yesterday he apologized for bringing me into all the hardship. He said that he feels like it's his fault for all the suffering I've been through, and that he hopes I can forgive him for falling in love with me, for not leaving me alone when he knew he had a baby on the way.

If he's NOT cheating...
What would eventually push us apart is the fact that I need to be independent and travel.
I just need to enjoy my early 20's as a single girl.
I know some girls get married young, but I'm not ready.
HE has too many problems, as he said yesterday. Debts, a son, immigration... It's too much.

It's hard, man.
But it'll be fine. I'm letting God take the wheel. He knows it's gonna take a lot for this to happen.

[mex1111]

Honestly though I wish I could go to a detox for relationships...
I'm really hurtin' not knowing what to do! :_( It makes me cry every time I think about changing my number.