View on child support...

[jusdntundstn]

You right gurl. Question though? Being that ya'll got cs payment, is there visitation rights? I mean ya'll are payin up so why dont she comply with visitation. With all that "It takes Two" these CMS's be screamin. Whats the sense in takin care of a child that you cant see or even speak to?

[cloudy752001]

What I need to know is why do you women subject yourselves to paying child support?? I see in not only your post, but others as well, that when paying child support you say "we" are paying support. Your husband made that child, but you said that "you" just made an online payment for cs? When is your husband going to realize that he needs to try and get a better job that pays enough where you don't have to worry about paying for his issues. You have a more active role than he does and it just shouldn't be that way. I thought that you were a BD when you said that you just made an online payment until you started talking about your husband.

As far as your excuse for visitation, I won't speak on it since it varies from state to state but if the bm can be aggressive in getting more cs, then he can be as equally aggressive with getting visitation. And if she is not working most of the time and can't afford to live on a daily basis, then he needs to consider some custody. Then you will not have to worry about this mess. It seems that the both of you together would make a more stable home for your SD anyway. Especially if she can't keep a job.

[jusdntundstn]

Hey now, tellitlikeitis, I was gonna add my two cents to that matter before cloudy beat me to the punch. I was kinda hesitant being that i am certainly not married. But if I ever was to get married I would want to our finances as"Our Finances" and anything prior to us "His own responsibility". To do otherwise would be dippin into my own childrens pockets. U feel me? Therefore Yes I will provide for mine but you (he) created all of them not me. Gurl do you know how broke I would be? One of the CBM has had the audacity to Tell him to ask me for some money..Oh no baby girl you betta get up off your back and get a JOB. This came from a woman that has a husband/ on sec 8 / and the county? Please...Ya'll got to be some powerful women, cause I cant see myself being that considerate. "Whats mine is mine, and whats urs is mine"..maybe thats why I'm not married yet.

[downazzchick]

jusdntundstn, you probably won't understand until the time comes. I didn't until I had my tax return taken and given to the BM for my DH back pay. You talkin about a chick being pissed! For a long time i was angry at him, requested he pay me back, was angry at BM and vowed I would get her back. I woke up and eyes been wide open ery since!
I hear you when you say his child is his responsibility, but I became apart of it when I said "I do". See DH and I are a team and this is something that we had to work through. We can now file our taxes without any fear of our check being garnished. Also I had to be the big girl and realize that SD has needs too. Yes, she has a mother to provide, but she has a father too.
I too am a baby mama and I can't say that I look at the CS as a source of income. I have not reviewed the CS order in 7 years. I could care less if he pays more. I just want the little bit he is paying to sting his pocket. So that he won't forget that he has created another living breathing being that he has nothing to do with. Sure he is angry that someone else has stepped in his place, but who cares. He still needs to do his job. I don't need his money and I never will! SD and I laughed about this issue because I made the statement that "Well u know your mama gotta have her money". SD laughted and said that is definately something she always talks about. I don't know why this is, but it needs to stop. It's hard on the mama's, but the Daddy's struggle too. Sometimes as a result of the BM.

[wbmama]

I receive c/s and my DH pays it.

In my opinion its all how you (as a couple) take care of your finances. We have joint checking - we pay our bills out of our account. One of those bills is his C/S. I usually manage OUR money - so if I pay the c/s it just like paying his cell phone bill to me.
Our money - our bills - that's the way we do it.

We pay and don't get to see ss like the court order says. Its not a trade off. C/S is just that - support for the child. If the BM is using it for b/s - then that's on her - not him.

[jusdntundstn]

I wasnt trying to change subject or anything, that was just something that often runs through my mind as far as finances and having prior kids in a new relationship, maybe I should make a new thread for that. I know not all situations are the same and people deal with it the best way suitable for them. Tellitlikeits bm's feel that they are obviously obligated to the asking for more money when they raise their standards of living and when they fall short on some bills. As I see it, they find any excuse to get some extra money, dr.bills, kids extra curricular, the landscaper, for dh's know these bm's could be trikkin off on their bf's and fell short...

[nomoredrama]

I understand...I apologize if I sounded a little short in my reponse. After 12 years of marriage, you kind of forget about what DH had before you were married. It all becomes one & so you think as a unit & not individuals (or at least in my case). For example, I had a student loan before I married DH. DH never went to college, so he does not have a student loan. I pay my student loan from money from his check if I need to. At this point, it is our expense and not my expense. I guess we are just an "old" married couple

[jusdntundstn]

I commend you for being a big girl and working as a team. (you and dh) I'm still a amateur so dont mind me, just trying to get where you at. My bf keeps his kids where they are for I dont know what reason. BM's so he says (who knows). As much a i'd like to include them into my family, it just isnt possible. I get loans from school too, but I take care of whoever is in my home. I think I'd like to put together a care package for his other bm's kids. The one with the husband. I've met her and kids once, she's not as bad as she used to be. Do you think It would be a good gesture?

[bmdramaof2]

I agree with you fully tellilikeitis. I have 2 BM and CS is a pregnant dog it's so hard for me and YES it's our paying because no matter it alters you and your childerns lifestyle. 1 of them is all about the money and keeps asking us for more and her theory is I deserve and better lifestyle then what I have and your going to provide it to me. Given we only knew about his daughter 3 years out of 9. I got through the same thing if she knows about anything we had new she gets really upset. I am really frustrated over and feel like I get the short end of the stick. Keep your head up gurl! Your not the only one going through it

[cloudy752001]

Tellit,

You have not clarified anything. CS, if requested, can be garnished right from your DH military income. You are the one who is complaining about YOUR FINANCES and how the BM wants it. Well obviously if you did not involve yourself with paying it, then you wouldn't care about what the BM wants. I am sure that CS your DH is paying probably ISN'T enough to support his child let alone the BM.

Just like you are calling the BM to send your SD gifts, why don't you let your DH do this? It seems like you're trying to do everything to try to keep any communication between them (bm and your dh)possible. You need to step back and let him (when he gets home from the ME) be a father because the reality is that just because he is "FIGHTING FOR HIS COUNTRY" does not excuse resposibility, which seems to all be in your lap.

Some men AND women are dishonorably discharged for stuff like not paying their cs. So they would definitely set that garnishment up for him. What do you think unmarried persons who have cs orders do when they are over there fighting for there country? That's why I am sure there is an allotment program that can be set up for that cs order.

It's funny how women are always stepping in and doing things like paying cs or sending gifts, but how many men do this for their women? Not a lot!

How long are you going to hold this fort? And let me add that I was married and my husband did have cs issues in which I stepped back and let him handle. He lost his license, went to jail, and all other nonsense, but I never worried about any cs issues because that was set up to come STRAIGHT from his wages. He also had visitation for every weekend that was always violated by the BM. But in the mist of all this, I never felt the pressure to step in and do anything because he knew the deal.

But to each its own...

I guess some women feel the need to be all up in the middle; while others chill and stay worry-free. All that I am saying is that why complain about what your going through with the BM when you choose to be in the midst of the BMD. You had a choice whether to be involved with your DH's BMD and you chose, so why complain?

Yeah I agree pay YOUR bills. But cs will always be HIS bill. If you two were to split up, cs follows HIM and not YOU. It's just the reality of the matter. The BM is bviously causing you some distress, so instead of blaming the BM for wanting more, just pay it or like I said before, seek custodial options. But I guess you don't want to do that.

It seems like the BM is going down the right road to review that cs order every 3 years, so what road are you and your DH hubby going down that is causing no visitation orders to be produced? I believe that the family court sees visitation just as important as cs issues and that BM can be held in contempt if she does not follow that order. It doesn't take a lawyer to fill out the proper paper work to haul her azz in for contempt! Please, don't get me started!

If you're comfortable with being in the middle of that, then the more power to you. So you take care too honey...

[wbmama]

Wow Cloudy - what's up with the "fighting for HIS country"? Its your country too. And as far as Tellit paying the bills while he's deployed - she HAS to! And yes, c/s is a bill. That's not being in the middle of anything - its taking care of your family while your husband is at WAR for God's Sakes!

If you've never wore those shoes - don't judge.

I appreciate the fact that you think c/s support that your DH pays is no responsibility of yours - it works for you guys. Not everyone handles their finances that way. And if you spilt up - his cell phone bill will follow him too.

Ya know - sending a child a gift isn't getting in the middle of anything either. When you love the child - just because the BM hates you doesn't mean the child has to miss out on anything.

And I don't what state you're in - but where I'm at Contempt is a hell of a job for an attorney...not something you should handle on your own.

[nomoredrama]

Cloudy, I was not going to dignify your post with a response...But, thanks for your advice. I appreciate your prospective. Take care.

[Keia1]

Im about to ruffle some feathers with this one but here goes:
My opinion on cs is that it is money due to the mother or father (custodial) to help not only buy things for the child to help take care of things PERIOD where the child resides whichs means car note, gas, electric, food clothes etc. What pisses me off is when people say that it only HIS responsibility BD to take care of the kids not BM BULLnuts and here's why!!! First of all the BM receiving child support usually provides the day to day care for the child which is grueling work.....BD paying cs does not have the child on a daily basis or usually participate in the parenting process just visiting here and now. Parenting is hard as* work. When Bd gets bm preggo not only his life changes but hers too. She can no longer just get up and go...she has to find a babysitter or daycare which costs $$$$. In order to go to work she needs reliable childcare....usually BD goes to work just fine because he doesn't have this problem. Nor does he volunteer to babysit so she can go to work and have money too. This effects the child's needs as well as the mothers needs. The mother cannot meet the childs basic needs of food, shelter, clothing, love when she is stressed out, without help, without a job, without childcare etc. NONE of this is BD's problem. It is not just her responsibility....TWO people created the situation for BOTH people and both ARE obligated to the other as well as the child. What kind of man with $$$$(if he doesn't have it that's a different story) wants to see his child or his BM struggling and going without....regardless of whether or not she is his WIFE she is the mother of his child and therefore....she REFLECTS him.

If you watch the news the welfare crisis and all of that is because fathers are creating CHILDREN then leaving the mother to carry all of the weight....the majority of people on welfare are single mothers and don't quote me on this but about 50% receive little to no support from the father....THIS IS DAMAGING OUR ECONOMY....parenting no matter how the child came along wed or unwed is A TWO PERSON JOB. Both physically and financially.....that's why most BM's are full of so much venom because he's GETTING AWAY WITH HARDLY DOING ANYTHING.

In my state Missouri.....in order to receive Medicaid for a child the father must be put on cs.....they have you go out to the prosecuting attorney's office with BD's picture or parents address and that will find him so he can pay the state back that money that's being spent on that child HE is not supporting. They will pay for DNA testing and put that man's name of the child's birth certificate if it's not on their and that child becomes legally entitled to anything that man has. It's not fair to the mother or the child when Dad DOESN'T DO HIS JOB. Mom can't possibly work full time keep a roof over her head, perform all day to day care activities for herself and her child all without nobody to support or help her....it's INSANe.....what's crazy to me is AMERICAS and people in general's lack of respect for single mothers. They do the hardest job....ALONE and some with their income as their only source of income.

Since I"ve started receiving support from BD my quality of life has improved and so has my son's not that we weren't doing good before but now it's not so hectic.....we were owed that money...we. Where I'm from good BD's pay BM's bills, help her out when she's short on cash, visit the kids, pay doctor's bills etc....regardless of whether they are together or not....

My dad was married and so was my mom when I was born...NOT TO EACH OTHER I AM A LOVE CHILD. But my dad always helped my mom out even if just loaning her money or fixing her car and they were just friends not romantically involved...he is still with his wife. She divorced her husband. He KNEW...her bills were his bills if his kid lived there because if she didn't have.....I didn't have. He wasn't doing it for her....nevermind he may have been trying to woo her back....but utimately he did it for me. I know several guys with multiple BM's that are thugs and drug dealers and even they know that if BM doesn't have...baby doesn't have. It's not about helping the woman it's about helping the woman in order to help the child. So I disagree that it's all BM's responsibility....BM didn't get in the situation by herself...just cause he's not with her doesn't mean his responsibility to her ENDs.

[cloudy752001]

That's why I said to each its own... CS is NOT a bill for her!! Just stop that craziness. Paying someone's c/s is ridiculous.

[glow=red,2,300]"And if you spilt up - his cell phone bill will follow him too."[/glow]

Not in all situations especially if you two created the cell phone bill. A cell phone bill can be terminated, a child cannot be once it is here. And guess what? If you two split up, the BM still follows him! So if you want to waste all of your energy worrying about cs that HAS to be paid to the BM, then like I said before, the more power to you.

[cloudy752001]

I am not condoning the BM that cannot do for the child though. And NO the BD should not fix BM car or giver her cash (just because she's short,) or put food in her mouth. If he is doing all of these things, then he is more stable and need to be the custodial parent. If the BM is sitting back and saying things like "I can't pay the electric" or "I don't have hot water" then that becomes a neglect issue.

If the BD has to provide for another home and he has one of his own, he needs to cut the cost and get custody and that BM needs to move with relatives until she can get her priorities straight. Maybe she needs to pay some child support for a change.

When I speak of paying cs to a BM I mean the responsible and sensible ones that don't sit home and wait for a little extra cash for little incidentals just because she has this man's child(ren.) Because whether a BD is in your life or not, he will still end up doing the basics and the basics aren't:
[glow=red,2,300]"[paying] BM's bills, help her out when she's short on cash"[/glow]