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Post by wbmama on Apr 22, 2008 8:18:42 GMT -5
There's been a lot of talk on here about what you as the wife/gf 's role is in your man's life who has a CBM (ex: child support, gift giving, etc)
Every situation is different - because every BM comes with her own brand of craziness.
Question : Where do you draw your line in getting involved? Or do you even draw a line?
Please let's not judge on this thread - express yourself honestly. Tell what you're doing that you know works great for you - and things that you do that you know are wrong but you don't know what else to do....
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Post by nomoredrama on Apr 22, 2008 11:19:28 GMT -5
My role as a wife is to support my husband. If that means holding down the fort while DH is away, that is what I do...On the flip side, DH holds down the fort when I am down & out too. Marriage is a give & take relationship. We are going on 12 years of marriage, so our "live as a unit" motto is working for us...Works for us but it may not work for another. It all depends on the circumstances.
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Post by wbmama on Apr 22, 2008 18:41:56 GMT -5
So ladies - where is the "line of involvement" we keep mentioning?  |
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Post by Keia1 on Apr 22, 2008 19:19:51 GMT -5
Involvement......should be limited between casual hello's and goodbyes...any discussions you have with bm should be about the childrens welfare...not stay the hell away from your hubby or bf, not about what phones shes calling, not about money (let bd handle it) if YOU have a problem take it to BD he is YOUR man and it is his JOB to have your BACK and explain how it will benefit you and if not explain to you why it has to be this way...NOT BM's. You should not email BM, call BM unless you have kids at your home and kids are sick, unless you (and I mean u personally not you and hubby or bf) are cordially inviting the kids to an event, unless you need to know what size the kids wear etc. BM and gf or wifey contact should be limited to discussing the children only....NOT BD. If you are BD's gf or wifey it's only natural for you to be on his side and want to defend him. Therefore it is better you NOT enter into any type of argument with her...DO NOT FLAUNT THE FACT THAT YOU ARE THE WIFEY OR GF...IT WILL ONLY CAUSE DRAMA...NO MATTER HOW TEMPTING IT IS. Remember you are a part of BD's life...not BM's she doesn't have to respect you personally because you are his wifey or gf.....she just has to respect the fact that you are his wifey and gf and that you are in his life. Your title does not entitle you to anything from the BM. If she is nasty or disrespectful do not stoop to her level simply cut off contact. To go back and forth is to only endanger the fragile relationship that man has with that child. Love the man, love the kids....but you don't have to love the BM. Just respect the fact that she is the BM and that those are her kids and that he will always owe her money until 18 and be in her kids life...even if not hers. Behave with dignity and let her know you are not intimidated by her. Because if she thinks so....oh the games she will play.....
Understand that your man had a past before you.....and that is okay but he must tame that tiger not you. Remember if another woman can beat you rocking she is entitled to that chair...just stay on your toes so that her or no other woman beats you rocking. Any issues take it to BD aka BIG DADDY. LOL!
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Post by memyslfni on Apr 26, 2008 20:23:35 GMT -5
Keia, Im trying to understand what u meant here:
"Remember you are a part of BD's life...not BM's she doesn't have to respect you personally because you are his wifey or gf.....she just has to respect the fact that you are his wifey and gf and that you are in his life. Your title does not entitle you to anything from the BM."
Also Since u are the bm, if you entered a serious relationship where the guy had previous children, would u feel that ur opinion counted when it came to scheduling visits with his kids, especially it they start to grow on to u? Would it not affect YOU if their mother canceled on u and mystery man with kids? Cussed and fussed at u and got all in YOUR business. It is hard for some to turn the other cheek when it comes to ignorance. Has it ever occurred to you that alot of times its not the GF or WIFEY that gets involved but the BM'S that cant seem to get over the fact the their X has finally found HAPPINESS with someone other than them? I hear u when u say turn the other cheek but how does someone do that when the tables are turned the other way and BM cant stay out of Wifey of Gf's Face?
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Post by saj2777 on Apr 26, 2008 20:43:26 GMT -5
Girl...you got some real good questions! I am dying to hear the response...
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Post by Keia1 on Apr 26, 2008 21:46:49 GMT -5
Im going to answer that TOMORROW...cause now I'm about to go out to the club.....and kick it hard.
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Post by Keia1 on Apr 27, 2008 2:07:44 GMT -5
Question? Her ignorance + Your ignorance (if you choose to be that way with her = Babymama drama.
My opinion would matter minimally, I can make my suggestions to him....ultimately I'd let him decide and run the ideas by her (of not letting her know they are my ideas.) The problem is BM's usually know their BD...they know when he came up with something or when someone else put an idea in his head...if she smells its not his....you do the math=Babymamadrama.
Limit your involvement...If she's ignorant with you tell her simply that you will not tolerate and you will take legal action..if she's sensible it will work, if she is not....she may not care. Know that she gets pleasure out of harrassing you....even more if she knows it got to you. Stop letting it get to you.....that will piss her off more. You be the woman and wife God created you to be don't follow her down in the gutter. You may have to face off with her if she gets in your face but do it with class...let her act like trash. This advice is vice versa for BM's who have problems with ignorant wifey or gf or the other way around.
Hope it was helpful
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Post by lovejones08 on Apr 27, 2008 3:34:20 GMT -5
Sai i agee with you totally, but one cannot speak on what they have never experienced and it's only until you have walked in the other shoes is when you can honestly say that your opinion would still stand the same. No that math problem is incorrect. This is more accurate Bm ignorance + her drama + a baby - her sense = BMD. An ignorant person will be igornant regardless to whether you ignore her or not. I've been irgnoring and she's still stupid and wll be stupid until she's ready to grow de hell up. Me and DH's happiness pisses her off and there is nothing i can do about that. No you should not involve yourself in the stupidity, but she will know where she needs to draw that fine line or there can be major problems. I stand firm with mines and she can do what ever she dares, but you can't blame the pitbull that bites the dare devil in the a** when the dare devil is f**king with the pitbull. Ya feel me?
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Post by wbmama on Apr 27, 2008 6:02:04 GMT -5
Beautifully said Lovejones! Love your equasion.
This is more accurate Bm ignorance + her drama + a baby - her sense = BMD."
However we could change the ignorance to bitterness and anger.
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Post by nomoredrama on Apr 27, 2008 6:16:40 GMT -5
Keia is right about the BM knowing BD....BM an normally picks up on when DH has talked with me about something and when he is just repeating something that I said. She feels that he allows me to speak for him, etc. But, when two people are in a relationship (engaged, married), they discuss things and give each other advice. And, as a couple they make decisions. BMs have to learn to respect that the wife/girlfriend has a say in whatever is going on if it affects her (wife/GF) household. The wife/GF does not have to say it to the BM but she can definitely say it to her DH.
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Post by Keia1 on Apr 27, 2008 10:19:16 GMT -5
Also ladies remember, something I've just learned to accept recently...there will always be HATERS....on your job, in your family, BM or BD, there will always be someone jealous of your life, looks, success, marriage, relationship, kids etc. It is a fact of life. I'm beginning to realize BM drama/BDdramama is just about the kids or what went wrong in the past its just PLAIN PLAYAHATING. Haters want to make your life miserable...what we need to be talking about is how to deal with HATERS. Signing off for my hiatus talk to ya later.
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Post by lovejones08 on Apr 27, 2008 21:09:31 GMT -5
You're right wbmama about the bitterness and anger because ignorance means you just didn't know any better. I guess Keia may be on to something let's see how that looks. BABY MAMA HATIN WIT DAT DRAMA!!! LOL!!!
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Post by cloudy752001 on Apr 28, 2008 8:34:24 GMT -5
When I was married, I drew the line, period. The only time I involved myself was when it was time for the child to visit us. CS issues, no. Clothes, no. How to spend birthdays, no. They had this stuff figured out WAY before I came along and I had no right to jump in and change a thing. Now if the BM had something to say about me, then yes I would step in, but I gave BM no reason to blast off at me. I am confusing to a typical CBM because I am not a magnet for BS BMD and they don't know how to handle that. My ex's BM was a humdinger, but she knew not to play with me. She had a lot of mouth (with the ex,) but when in the same room she was as quiet as she wanted to be.
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Post by lovejones08 on Apr 28, 2008 13:15:58 GMT -5
ok cloudy you and I have a similar situation. When my DH's BM was in my presense she wouldn't even look my way unless she had one of her sidekicks with her then they are pointing me out and their faces are all made up..LOL!!! But this only happened after she decided to try me once, twice, then thrice. On that third time I had a good friend, DH, and the police trying to keep me from diggin another hole in her ass.
She is still stupid and does ridiculous things that places her child in horrible situations thinking that she's hurting DH, but when it comes to me she keeps her distance because what she didn't know was that I was not from her neck of the woods and I didn't know what they did in their town but it was about to be smoke in the city. I can act like a gotd**n fool (CNG - Crazy New Girlfriend) if you really want to see it and to top it off she brought all these other people with her for just me and everybody looking like d**n we didn't think she was going to come and face all of us? HA! they had it twisted and we had her family calling DH apologizing for allowing her to bring their simply asses into the situation and my environment. Now these are growns ass people and some with kids of their own, so sad.
So yes I did have to show I disagree one good time because being nice, and smiling, alll that pleasant crap wasn't doing the trick. Then she went around town telling people that her BDs new girlfriend is crazy. well baby I will be that. Like i said BMs come in different forms and so does new gf/wives. I do agree with you cloudy when you say that you weren't trying to come in a change their system which is how it is supposed to be and women that do that need to sit down somewhere and relax, but some people don't have systems and it was drama before, during, and sometimes, after the new relationship. Bms obviously have their own reason for doing the things they choose to do.
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