No Regrets

[angelnmo]

It sounds like you have been doing alot of soul searching and have given your decision alot of thought. If you are going into this situation with solid expectations and eyes wide open, then I hope everything works out for you.

I just wish that you could find someone that would love you in every aspect, the way you deserve to be loved.

[memy]

Just keep in mind that kids dont stay small forever and this child will be exposed to this un-healthy of a sitch. Just sayin.

[jenyfrmtheblk]

Well Memy it is your opinion that the situation is unhealthy. Personally I feel like it is unhealthy(and there are clear statistics that back that up) to have a child outside of marriage but people do that all the time. I'd follow that with(and there are statistics that back this up too) that children who's parents are married, even unhappily, do better than children of divorce(provided the parents only quietly resent each other, and we don't). Just sayin.

At this point in our relationship, although it has changed, we are on good terms. There is a block in communication that was no longer present. We're living in the same house and have continued to do all of the things we were doing before this came out. My choices at this point are to leave or to stay. If I leave then I lose a lot of the daily support in the pregnancy, like 3am ice cream runs or daily breakfast in bed, that while not vital for my health/happiness make being pregnant whole lot easier, the same can be said for parenting Which is not to say that my husband wouldn't want to support me in the same way but if we're in different houses it just won't be possible like this. If I stay then it makes sense to stay married(vs living in the same house and getting divorced) for the legal/practical reasons, which was a large part of the driving force of why we got married in the first place.

My focus is on what is the absolute best for my child, the second I decided that I was having a baby that is how my perspective shifted. And no matter what having two parents that get along in the same home is best. Does this mean that I'll act as the "beard" for my husband? No. But what is comes down to is that if it works for us, and the kids involved, then other people who don't agree don't matter.

And not to be confused...my husband DOES love me and if I were willing he would do everything in his power to resist being gay, but that isn't what I want, because I feel like at the end of the day while he may truly be bi-sexual my attraction for him is gone.

[jenyfrmtheblk]

Gem~I actually had lunch with the "friend". I think that the time to talk to him one on one was really helpful. I was understandably angry but feel like a lot got worked out, he didn't make excuses and opened the conversation with "I'm so sorry that I hurt you like this". Although he owes me nothing(he didn't take vows) he accepted the same level of responsibility as my husband. He cried, I cried, and we talked about what the 3 of us in a relationship looks like. Then we talked about the baby and I don't know how anyone thinks this man is straight after spending an hour with him.

I do like him, I didn't want to, I wanted to hate him but it just wasn't possible.

[memy]

What I was really trying to understand was when the child gets old enough to ask questions...what would you say to them in a sitch like this? Child doesnt see mommy and daddy being affectionate but daddy and another man??? But then again I'm not one for gay marriage, just aint.

BTW, I dont mean to sound judgemental but i didnt know how else to put it. Your sitch has really got me wondering which you seem to be surprised. I've been on this board for almost two years and have never came across a sitch like yours. I certainly hope you werent used to make a child for them... You may just come back posting as a CBM then...LOL. I'm wondering if his BM knew about his sexuality...

[jenyfrmtheblk]

Okay Memy, your perspective makes more sense to me now, if you don't believe in gay marriage(do you think being gay in itself is wrong?) then I can see how thinking about a differnt kind of family structure is a difficult concept to wrap your head around. I've been raised around gay folks, I have family that is gay, one of my best friends came out to me in high school, so I don't understand it but don't have a problem with it either. I'm a live and let live kinda person. Plus I know people can be affectionate without it being sexual(I got a back rub this morning that testifies to that).

As far as making a child for them...LOL....I doubt it. When I spoke to "the friend" over lunch one of the things he expressed was feeling jealous when me and my husband got together "If there was gonna be a woman that could make him straight I knew you were it". I think the friend was happier with the CBM, she wasn't ever a threat. And for the record, the friend didn't call my husband...my husband called him...so I know he wasn't trying to break up our marriage.

I'm a firm believer in age approprete(sp?) truths. When the kids have questions we'll tell them the truth. Mommy and Daddy met and created a child out of love(please kids ALWAYS use condoms unless you're already married), Mommy and Daddy got married because babies should be born into families(please get married first kids), Daddy figured out something important about himself( that he's gay...which is why he's kissing Uncle Joe), and Mommy and Daddy decided that because they loved each other and had made a commitment to be a family that they were staying together(but Mommy's not a nun and that's why she's kissing Uncle______). LMFAO.

Honestly Memy I haven't gotten to exactly what we're gonna say when...I know the BM didn't know because a)I'm the only one they've ever told or who has caught them and B) I know she wouldn't have hesitated to throw that out there hoping it would break us up had she had the ammunition.

[jenyfrmtheblk]

Not to treat the situation too lightly but sometimes you can either laugh or cry....and crying makes my morning sickness worse.

[memy]

LOL...Oh I've been around gay folk too. My best male friend was gay, but eventually got married and had two children (dont know if he ever got that itch though). One of my best female friends was gay, dont know if she still swings that way but I just spoke to her the other day. And once upon another time I had a another female friend who was married (to a man), but had female lovers on the side and tried to add me to her collection..(that just about did it for me). I dont mind if ur gay, just dont swing my way and were kool.

Just play it smart cause what I did learn is that gay men make the best drama queens...(inside joke)LOL... Hope it works for ya!

[gemmani]

Jeny~ how far along are you now? Sorry about your morning sickness, I've yet to know what that feels like (and since I've made it this far without it, let's hope it stays that way)

I don't have anything against gay marriage, personally. I don't feel being gay is a choice (otherwise why would people hide it and feel so ashamed of it? With all the gay bashing around, I don't see how they'd "choose" that type of lifestyle. It just is what it is). Since they can't help their sexual orientation I don't feel they should be persecuted for it. But that's JMHO

So at the same time, it's 2009 and there are many different types of "families" nowadays. To each there own, things that may work for certain people won't work for others. If Jeny, her DH, and the man-friend can come together and provide a house full of love for the little one, then I don't see how it would be wrong. Especially if the sitch is what the child wil grow up knowing. I think it would be worse if this sitch was introduced to the child years into it's life, kwim? If all the adults are mature and have realistic expectations on the matter, I think it would be okay.

[jaylady999]

Wow Jenny, sorry that happened to you. But you seem to be taking it all in stride, which is great!

[memy]

Sorry but I'd more open to having kids before marriage, than being in a marriage thats open to adultery any day.....JMHO. The only way I'd be ok with a sitch like that is if I was bi-sexual, cause I dont like to share and someone would have to make up for the time my husband is with his other person. Talk about the best of both worlds.

[memy]

I can understand that you are preggers and are trying to make the best out of a bad situation though. I just hope u get all that you need out of this and dont settle for half the love you deserve

[angelnmo]

Personally I feel like it is unhealthy(and there are clear statistics that back that up) to have a child outside of marriage but people do that all the time. I'd follow that with(and there are statistics that back this up too) that children who's parents are married, even unhappily, do better than children of divorce(provided the parents only quietly resent each other, and we don't). Just sayin.

I am living proof, and I know others, that are the opposite of these statistics.

I know of 3 families where the parents stayed married for the sake of the children. In the first marriage, the children had multiple kids out of wedlock, became alcoholic adults or wound up in and out of jail. In the second marriage, both children are under 5 and are on meds for depression and anxiety, can't cope well in school, and have various enitional disorders. In the third family, one child grew up to have 3 children out of wedlock, and the other got involved in at least 4 relationships that I know of that were physically and emotionally abusive.

My parents' marriage started to deteriorate when I was about 12 years old. The constant bickering, fighting and yelling made me a nervous wreck and my grades dropped in school. The silent treatment was even worse. Even though my parents stopped fighting, there was a coldness and a distance that I could sense and knew something wasn't right. They slept in separate bedrooms and kids used to tease me about seeing my mom or my dad out on dates with other people. I knew this wasn't how a relationship was supposed to be.

My question to you jeny is this:
Are you going to legally marry him and why. Couldn't you two just live together, or have his friend move in with you all? That way, everyone gets what they want, everyone is happy, and no one is committing adultery or breaking marital vows? From the way you are talking, it sounds like both men would be very supportive of your pregnancy and both would be able to take part in the raising of the baby.

[chalan]

Wow Jenny. You’re really handling this well so I have to commend you. Everyone has a right to live as they choose and you are no different. I say take advantage of all the love and help you will receive during your pregnancy and after. I’m glad you’re going to let that man be a father to his child. The only thing that saddens me is that you are willing to deprive yourself of happiness and “real” love for the sake of your child. If this is only temporary until things have settled, then I’m all for it. If your intentions are to live this way permanently, then ….I would advise you to rethink this.

[MsKokamo]

It seems as though he gets to live in his dream world -appearing straight with the wife and kids to keep up the facade for his family PLUS behind closed doors he gets to be with this man like he truly wants to be. You, on the other hand, dont get that lifelong dream of being loved by your husband that you wanted(evidenced by you taking marriage vows) because he tricked you into being his pawn by keeping this secret. You said if you were willing, he'd do everything in his power to resist being gay...but he didn't. He called his friend and indulged. You didnt get the courtesy of knowing the facts so that you could make your own decisions. Instead you got ambushed, imo. Its devastating and trust me, I know with my own situation so Im there with you.

You may not resent him now, but with a situation like this where he has someone and you toughing it out by yourself, it seems as though you're committing to a life sentence of being the one that takes one for the team. What about you? If this is for the duration of the pregnancy/ til your able to get yourself together than fine more power to you. But forever? You have your childs life to think about but its your life too and you only do it once. The statistics might be against you but your situation is what you make of it. You can be in a separate household from your childs father and raise a great child with a great quality of life without settling or giving up that companion love for yourself, girl.

I know about laughing to get over the tears, I really do over these past couple of months but instead of making that commitment to his lifestyle that you got caught up in, take your time and be selfish. Dont rush to come up with a solution. Think only about yourself (Im including the baby in the self part lol)...because DH did...be mad... say wtf you wanna say how the f*ck you wanna say it...dont be the problem solver...be about you...and in the process stay real with yourself and what youre willing to deal with. In the end if youre okay with this...f*ck what anyone else has to say. But if you're not...don't feel bad for doing your own thing for your own self and oh well how he feels about his secret.

Your only responsibility to him is to let him be a father without interference, not go along without consideration of what you need.