|
|
Post by jenyfrmtheblk on Aug 24, 2009 20:40:58 GMT -5
So I found my brand new husband in bed with another man. Needless to say that it has prompted some drastic changes.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrsnixley on Aug 24, 2009 20:46:55 GMT -5
wow that is something serious, you know you can file a annulment rite how brand new is he?
|
|
|
|
Post by memy on Aug 24, 2009 20:48:43 GMT -5
Dayum!! I had to read that TWICE. So what was his rebuttal may I ask?
|
|
|
|
Post by jenyfrmtheblk on Aug 24, 2009 21:02:56 GMT -5
Well...considering I'm a firm believer in the 2nd amendment and had my "girl" with me I believe that I got the straight(pun intended) story from my husband and his "friend".
Basically my husband has been struggling with his sexuality since he was in high school. His family is very religious and active in the church so he's just tried to "pray the gay away". When he told me that I looked at him and said "boo boo if you're fuking a man then you are gay and no amount of praying will make that go away". Thankfully neither tried to make excuses(I might be a widow right now if they had).
I feel betrayed because he violated our marriage vows, but at the same time(and this may sound crazy) but I'm at peace knowing that it is nothing about me that made him cheat vs had it been with a woman I'd be sitting her wondering what about her was better.
Our marriage is less than 2 months old at this point so if I wasn't pregnant walking away would be easy but with our child to consider.....
After taking some space from my husband we were able to sit down and talk things out. Us in a romantic way is OVER...I just can't look at a man that sleeps with men in the same way as I did before but I'm giving serious consideration to the practical reasons why we got married.
|
|
|
|
Post by angelnmo on Aug 24, 2009 21:11:10 GMT -5
If this were a woman you had caught him in the bed with, would you still be considering the practicality of a loveless marriage?
I'm not trying to be sarcastic. I really want an honest answer.
|
|
|
|
Post by angelnmo on Aug 24, 2009 21:22:00 GMT -5
Oh, and please go to your nearest clinic and get tested for STDs and HIV.
|
|
|
|
Post by memy on Aug 24, 2009 21:46:26 GMT -5
I mighta been more wonderous of what a man can give my SO/DH that i couldnt??  This is one of those things a person comes forth with prior to getting serious, right along with Drugs and Kids. |
|
|
|
Post by memy on Aug 24, 2009 21:58:54 GMT -5
Not like that Jeny, but that proposal sounded to good to be true. I could understand if that was in the past and he was honestly ready to be straight. A man would be devastated to have come to find out that his woman left him for another woman. |
|
|
|
Post by mrsnixley on Aug 24, 2009 22:29:10 GMT -5
I thought i was ready something else WOW
|
|
|
|
Post by jenyfrmtheblk on Aug 24, 2009 22:32:58 GMT -5
We've already been tested(since this happened) and are both fine but trust that was the first thing that happened after.
If he had been cheating with a woman then I would know its about being unfaithful this is about him being the person he actually is...a gay man. So while I don't understand why he is attracted to men I get that no matter what I'm not going to be a man...and that is what this is about. I feel betrayed because he didn't come to me and tell me he was conflicted in this way(and then acted upon it) but not for being who he is because I don't think its something he actually has any control over. I know if he could choose to make the feelings go away he would. As I see it, I'm glad that I know, pissed about how I found out, but as a person I don't love him any less. I see it the same way as if he told me he's only attracted to one-armed midgets, I don't understand but just know it isn't about me. The "friend" is the only man he's been invloved with ever, he's way in the closet too.
Staying in the marriage...we love each other but we're not in love and there were always practical reasons that drove the decision to get married. We rushed into our relationship and marriage because of the pregnancy, both with eyes wide open about what that means. We're committed to raising our child together and finding this out hasn't changed that for me, because at the end of the day I know he's a good man. I don't have a problem with him being gay and have seen all kinds of non-traditional families/marriages work. We talked about staying married and what that would mean/how it would look and I haven't made a decision yet. But do I feel like its better for a child to be raised in non traditional 2 parent family than in 2 seperate households.
|
|
|
|
Post by jenyfrmtheblk on Aug 24, 2009 22:35:23 GMT -5
LOL, Memy....the proposal was perfect in every way. I should have known then, no straight man would pay so much attention to detail. :-)
|
|
|
|
Post by jenyfrmtheblk on Aug 24, 2009 22:40:50 GMT -5
Honestly Memey even if he was "ready" to be straight I wouldn't want that because I know he would be repressing a core part of who he is. Plus I don't think being gay is a choice, because there is too much BS that comes from being gay to make it some fashion trend.
|
|
|
|
Post by angelnmo on Aug 24, 2009 23:00:13 GMT -5
Ok Jeny. I understand now where you are coming from.
I just hope that you can work through the lies and the betrayal in order to make this arrangement work. I also hope that you are prepared to share your husband. Because his homosexuality is a part of who he is. And in being in a monogamous/faithful relationship with you, it would be asking him to make a huge sacrifice by surpressing a huge part of who he is. Because if he were not able to suppress/control this part of himself, then he may be tempted to stray/cheat on you again.
Sexuality is a huge part of any marriage. Will you sit up late at night, wondering where your husband is and if he has finally given in to temptation one night when he comes home late?
Will you wonder if a small part of his heart resents you?
|
|
|
|
Post by jenyfrmtheblk on Aug 25, 2009 0:58:25 GMT -5
The sexual part of our relationship is over no matter what, how I see him has changed and there is no attraction. I wouldn't want him to be in a situation where he felt like he had to repress any part of himself just like I wouldn't stay with him if he asked that of me. The man I caught him with is the only gay lover he's had, a man I'd liked when he was introduced as a friend. Neither one of them is talking about coming out and I have no problem with them being together. So long as we could all(my husband, his partner, me) come to an agreement about how to have all the relationships co-exist I believe it could work. Catching them was more painful than I can describe but it was a unguarded moment and I saw clearly the deep love between them it took less than 10 seconds for me to realize that I was mad about finding out that way and not about what was going on, which is how I knew I wasn't in love with my husband. Imagine being in love with someone your whole life but thinking that acting on it is sending your soul to hell...but you love them so much that you can't help yourself. I think that they were relieved to have another person know finally, this has been going on ten years. Yeah theres my anger at the betrayal of my trust, but the situation is so complicated that more of what I feel is compassion.
|
|
|
|
Post by gemmani on Aug 25, 2009 15:52:16 GMT -5
 .....Wow. Okay. Wow. ......I'm so glad you can see a light at the end of the tunnel in all this. What a shocker. But I can see your perspective on the whole thing. I guess he jumped to propose thinking it would help battle his true feelings. I realy don't have much to say about this. Is the partner nice, at least?
|
|
This is one of those things a person comes forth with prior to getting serious, right along with Drugs and Kids.