Da Hated New Girlfriend

[ybother]

I am having alot of problems with my boyfriends B.M. this has been going on for a 1 1/2 already. She refuses to let him see his son (6yr) who is very close to his father. She says as long as he is with Me "The Hoe" this is what she calls me then, he is no longer able to see his child. His whole family is against him and his 3 older children from his first marriage love her and made it clear to me I am not accepted. They were together for 7 years on and off, He stated the were only dating a year when she got pregnant so he stood with her for his son sake, but he was never faithful because they just grew apart, she is very aggressive and over the years he just tolerated it because of his son, she would make huge fight scenes in the street, chase him around the house with knives, put him down, her mother owned the house they lived in and although he worked very hard to support them, she never let him forget who owned it. He is not a saint he admitted he would hang out to all hours in the morning and cheat on her constantly, but it was his way of not wanting to be home with her. When I met him he lied and stated he lived with friends, when I found out about her when she called me, I should have gave him the boot, but I was in love and stood with him, eventually a few months later he left her for me. He says I am the total opposite of her and he fell in love with me. I know it was wrong. We have been together for 1 year now and We love each other dearly, we laugh and just enjoy being with each other, I try not to get involved even when she is ranting and raving on the phone, harrassing me and calling me names, she lies to his family and says he doesn't see his son and abandon him, but when he calls to ask if he could come by and see his son she says no. His son called him last week and left him a message saying daddy I love you I miss and can you come over, she snatches the phone away from his son and says"why you said that, no he can't come over" and hangs up the phone. He says he doesn't argue with her and allows her to do this in hopes of making peace so he could see his son. He won't go to court because he says they always take the mothers side and then he will owe thousands in child support, although he gives her money and supports his son. Then when weeks go by without seeing his son, he gets depressed,nasty and takes it out on me, he becomes withdrawn. It has become a problem and although I love him I asked him to go back to her and forget about me.. He says he can't, even if he goes back he will be happy to have his son in his life, but will be miserable with her and won't be able to share a bed with her, cause it won't be me next to him. I have tried to speak calmly with her and reason with her, but to no avail, she curses and screams.. For valentines day I surprised him with tickets to a basketball event for his son, him and my son, I chose not to go so that she won't get upset and his son will enjoy his time with his dad without my presence, but she said hell no!! so I had to get a refund on the tickets and needless to say valentines was ruined, because my boyfriend was depressed, we didn't speak and he just withdrew into the room. But when easter came around she bought tickets for them 3 to go to the circus, when she called to inform him not to be late, I was upset to find out he was going to go with her after she did not let him go to the event for valentines. I regret now not letting him go with her to the circus with there son, because in the end it's only hurting his son. He told her no, That he will take his son to the circus alone without her, she went crazy. She controls the situation in everything and he just tucks his tail and lets her get away with it. When she does allow him to see his son, it has to be in her house and in her neighborhood, he is not allowed to pick up his son and take him to my home or anywhere else. She says " I don't want my son around that very *friendly* person". and she says not to play family with her son, because it will never happen and that she will make my life miserable. I don't know what to do... The whole world is against us being together, should I just throw in the towel and let him go?? He says its not fair. but what can we do.. My concern is for his son..she doesn't understand that in trying to spite us, she is hurting her own child.

[wbmama]

welcome ybother. Sounds like you have a mess. It doesn't appear that the world is againt you two - just the jealous BM. Its time for your BF to step up and do what he has to do for himself and his family (meaning you and his son). He needs to take that BM to court. Lawyers are not always thousands of dollars. And it will be worth every penny if he gets to see his son.

I'm curious - do you feel like he's giving your relationship/you the respect you need?

[lovejones08]

ybother great for you to join us. I would like to say first that your situation is not untypical nor is it rare. You may find some relief with your situation by just taking time and reading the previous and current posts. As for your situation, like wbmama said is he doing all that he can do to move on with his life and you? Going on circus trips together with your ex and the child can get messy because those lovely outings ended when he decided to be with you unless you all were going together like a big happy family.

Men tend to sometimes take a long time to understand that catering to BM (which they call keeping the peace) is not the solution to BMD that only makes her think in her simly mind that what she is doing will be tolerated because she has is baby and hell it shouldn't be that way.

Never say that your new man left someone for you because it sounds like your blaming yourself for their break up and according to your post they were having hell and drama way before you came along but he was trying to remain content in his screwed up situation that he ultimately created for himself with his child that he loves. If you went into their home pack his things put a gun to his head and said LET'S GO BUDDY!!! Then you took him from her or he left her for you, but if he left then he wasn't really hers in the first place and you should remember that in your situation now. Yes, he may have done his dirt with her did crazy things or whatever, but I have learned that when people cheat and whatever else is because they are not happy or totally satisfied in their current situation, but they are so used to being with that person that they continue to remain regardless of how they feel creating an even bigger mess in the long run. These are the consequences that he will have to suck up and deal with but it is all about how he deals with it.

If he has been with her for 7 plus years it will take time for him to break the cycle of trying to do things to shut her up just so he doesn't have to hear about it, but he must realize that those actions will clash once you're in a new relationship.

Like I have always said because I had to say it many of times to myself. IS HE WORTH IT? WHAT CAN I DEAL WITH? IS THIS THE BEST SITUATION FOR MY LIFE RIGHT NOW? Ybother i must be real with you this sh*t isn't easy and it may never stop but it's about you and what you are willing to deal with. Remember that you always have the decision to stay or leave and no one is forcing you to be miserable because love does not warrant constant misery. It takes a certain kind of woman to deal with this mess and at one point I thought I wasn't that type of woman until I met the man of my life and now my determination, strength, patience, and to hell with her attitude comes from much prayer and the love that we share. It is not all peaches and cream and is hard work and dedication because on those bad days you're fighting with yourself on whether to knock her the hell out or keeping your maturity for the sake of your man's child and perception of you as a woman. In the large scheme of things at this point BM is only a trigger to your problems (A BIG TRIGGER MIGHT I ADD) but making the relationship last begins and ends with you and him. If it is not a BM then you will be struggling with something else in the relationship. They are called love tests can you withstand it you will if it is true meant to be love. A relationship with no flaws is a waste of time because you cannot grow and learn anything from it. Like the saying says it won't be easy but at the end of the day you MUST feel like it is WORTH IT!! Hope that helps some.

[Y]

First let me say thank you for a good laugh I needed that one(go pack his clothes and put a gun to his head).. And it makes me feel so much better in knowing I am not the only one going through something like this, and sometimes it's good to share advice with people who have been there and done that. I will see if I can somehow bring up the topic in a way where he won't shut down on me and not want to speak of it.. I guess as things evolve, I will keep you posted.. His 14 year old son from his first marriage is suppose to be coming down to stay with us for a couple of days, he is the same son who worships the BM and hates me, so lets just say I am not looking forward to the visit but I will kill him with kindness and allow him to see that I am not all these things she says I am. And from what he tells me He has 3 children from his first marriage and she also gave his other kids mother hell, they would constantly get into it with each other, basically BM is so combative and is so unreasonable. I hate to bad mouth her because maybe she wasn't such a bad person its just maybe they just had different feelings towards each other.. But let's just say she gives meaning to the old saying "Hell have no fury like a women scorned"..

[Keia1]

I differ....from the other opinions.........he treated her badly.....do you feel in time if you too grow apart he will do the same to you? Sounds like to me he's blaming her so he won't have to take responsibility for the role HE's played in the mess. If you stay with him.....prepare to be made miserable........BM will never accept you and just because you all get visitation doesn't mean she won't still harass you and cause drama. If he is really a man......he wouldn't blame his child for the reason he stayed in that mess. Simply put, he stayed because he wanted too. We all know that when we get sick and tired of being sick and tired we let go. It seems to me a lot of men use that I'm just staying for the BABY excuse. If he was unhappy why not just leave...suck it up and pay child support. He is catering to that BM because he want's to......not cause he has to. It seems the whole situation is unfair to you....I don't fault the BM.......I fault the BD....HE SHOULD HAVE NIPPED THAT IN THE BUD A LONG TIME AGO. It's okay if he takes a little crap off her but he's obviously playing both ends against the middle. PRIZE YOUR HAPPINESS.....sure you love him....but honey he's putting his money before loving you.

[Keia1]

I say test him....tell him pay her child support and get visitation or I leave.....see what he says.

Example: At work today a coworker was talking about a cousin of hers who lives with his BM. Says he doesn't love her....just STAYING FOR THE BABY. He says BM is mean, ignorant and talks down to him.....who in their right mind would stay in that mess. He does love her.....or else he wouldn't take that mess. You said he doesn't get to see the kid.....but he's still taking crap....why??? Ole boy is having his cake and eating it to.

[Y]

Wow... Keia1... I respect your honesty and although it's tough to hear.. I guess sometimes you need that kick in the butt to wake up and smell the coffee.. I have mentioned in the past about him taking her to court and file his own child support case so we can get visitation, I even told BM this when we argued on the phone and she stated, BD not stupid he wouldn't set himself up like that.. He has been through this before with the mother of his 3 older children, and he said everytime he would go to court it's like they never let him speak and it went on for a long time.. So he said he doesn't want to go through that again, and he does support his child he was giving her 100 weekly plus any other additional things his son wanted. Anyway I am so confused..If I leave him then I'm giving in to what she wants and she will be happy and I will be miserable.. but If I stay then I might be setting myself up for heartache and the constant bickering.. in earlier forums one questioned posed is "is he even worth it" but when you truly love somebody you don't leave them when crap hits the fan you stick it out with them.. But I appreciate your honesty...

[wbmama]

They say "for better or for worse" you just have to figure out what's your worse max....

I'd take BMD over many other problems - I'll tell ya that.

[Keia1]

If you feel you can handle that....more power too....I'm just saying you're giving a lot........he should be willing to give some too. I respect the fact that he does give her money still and help out he seems like a decent guy....but weigh your options cause you don't want to be in it for 2 or 3 more years and wake up one day and suddenly find that you're miserable. Like dr phil says your should never allow yourself to be held hostage in a relationship......and by her holding him hostage it's effecting you too. Hopefully it will get better....but I'd light a lil fire under his as*.

[lovejones08]

No problem Y, trying to see if a man is going to be about is business does not require playing with his mind. That will only make him look at you differently as a woman and he may not say it but you will see it in his actions towards you. Communicate with him but try your best not to argue with him or constantly bring up what he did in the past. Don't use WHY?? when you're asking questions it will sound like you're blaming him and they will definitely shut down. It is a sensitive subject and it should be handled delicately or it will not turn out well. Also, if it is worth it then hanging in their will bring you pure happiness with him because he will love you so much more for toughing it out through one of the most difficult times in his life. If you leave, Yes you may be giving in to what she wants and trust me it's not you personally if it was another woman she will do the same things she's doing to you. If is not worth it then it doesn't matter whether you gave into what she wanted because that would only be her theory and you will find your true mate in due time. She will not be happy if you leave because it really isn't about you it's about making his life miserable and if he is happy with you then the heat will be on. Just take time and carefully evaluate the situation. BM will not make your situation feel like happiness, but you must find the good in your relationship or it will fall.