Once a sneak, always a sneak???

[lol]

My question is this........

My husband's BM in the passed has always been a coniving, sneaky little b*tch to say the least. Well she has recently started letting him see the child and is acting "oh so calm/collected". I find this to be very releaving, compared to all the drama she used to cause. I just wonder if I need to keep my guard up and assume if she use to be as crazy as she was if indeed she still has that in her and maybe has motive to this positive change. I do know that she questions the oldest child about our household and about myself-as the child doesnt know any better and has told me about Mommy and what she says. Just trying to keep safe, opinions appreciated.

[jaylady999]

Been here, done this. Trust, the other shoe will fall at some point. It may take something to trigger it, or BM may just realize things are not going right in her life, but typically, peace where there has normally been BMD is never eternal. It will rear its ugly head, either minor or major. So I say, stay on your guard, even if its in a silent fashion.

And welcome!

[me]

Thank you ;D

I was talking to my cousin (who knows the background of BM) and she was thinking that once she sees that my husband and I live a family oriented life and her kids love it with us, that's when she will show her stunts again. She is used to the passed when she thought she had a chance with my husband but to see that he is home with us every night and she is alone, I think she may become bitter all over again and turn around and say my husband cannot get the kids again. She puts on this mature front and acts as if she's got it together but I know its an act. Especially when she is telling her kid she doesnt like me and asking her if I am pretty or not and just really quizzing her about our household. If she didnt have crazy in her still I dont think she would even think of these things. I am doing my ever so best to just not give her any reason to act out or keep those kids from my husband again. I am being very polite and not getting myself involved, thinking that is the right way to handle this.

[chalan]

Dfree~ You can be cordial without letting your guard down. Keep your guard up. Do you see BM changing if she is questioning the kids? Doubt it.

[angelnmo]

If she has truly moved on, why would she even care if you are pretty or not? It shouldn't matter what you look like.

Been there, done that. Trust me, it's game she is running. The crazy BM thing didn't work, so she is flipping the script. Trying to play calm and collected, so she can make BD wonder if he did the right thing not staying with her. Trust me, it will end as soon as BD doesn't care or pay her any mind, and she sees that the strategy isn't working. Then all hell will break loose again till she comes up with a new "game".

If she truly moved on, she wouldn't care about your appearance, or what goes on in your household, as long as the child is being properly taken care of. She is still in competition with you. Don't be surprised is she doesn't start notifying BD about how wonderful her life is now. Like a new job or car. More money. Going back to school, a promotion, etc. etc. You get the picture. Trying to impress him with her maturity and "success" so he will see the error of his ways and return to where he "belongs".

[jaylady999]

If she truly moved on, she wouldn't care about your appearance, or what goes on in your household, as long as the child is being properly taken care of. She is still in competition with you. Don't be surprised is she doesn't start notifying BD about how wonderful her life is now. Like a new job or car. More money. Going back to school, a promotion, etc. etc. You get the picture. Trying to impress him with her maturity and "success" so he will see the error of his ways and return to where he "belongs".

Why oh why are yall taking me back down memory lane? Too funny, I remember those days oh so well. LOL

[doinwatigottado]

Don't be surprised is she doesn't start notifying BD about how wonderful her life is now. Like a new job or car. More money. Going back to school, a promotion, etc. etc. You get the picture. Trying to impress him with her maturity and "success" so he will see the error of his ways and return to where he "belongs".

how VERY familiar. my memories are still far too fresh in this area. the competition they never win. smh!

[gemmani]

**Sigh**
I so dislike those silly questions. Is she pretty? Does she cook your food? Do she and daddy fight? Do they kiss? What color are her panties? (jj)
Yet at the same time, they want to pretend we don't exist........

Whatever. Leave it alone and let her wonder.

[ayzha]

BM cant get those questions from her son because he is only two but she may question my SS. I never ask about her when he returns. I just say that you had a nice time. Thats good.

[me]

So glad you guys are here to walk me through this b/c I am wondering if I am acting crazy for getting mad. Maybe Im over reacting, its just that I know (pretty much) how this girl works. Its crazy that most ALL BM's have the same tactics isnt it?

So anyway....I want to tell you guys a situation that happened and then see what you all have to say about this.

So the other night my husband and son went to drop the kids off at their house after having them over for the day. Well my son tells me that when they were getting ready to drive off, my husband sees some man in a truck apparently all up on the curb by her house (not even directly in front of her house though) and then my husband backs up, parks and goes BACK up to her door to tell her that there is some guy practically in her yard looking like he's passed out in his truck. Then she comes outside in DAISY DOOKS and a tank top, no shoes (remind you its like 40 degrees out) and THEY are checking out the truck to see whats going on and then they walk back up toward her house talking and she goes inside and my husband gets in our car and thats that.

1. I feel if I had been there that wouldnt have happend-so why did he do all that unecessary "friendliness" thinking I wouldnt know?
2. What was his POINT in doing all that, even my mom is dumb founded.
3. Am I over reacting?

Next, when her daughter calls my husband she ALWAYS has to get on the phone and start talking to him too, like the other day she tried to tell my husband to pick her kids up from the babysitter and he was like, no-Ill just wait until you bring her home, I dont wanna do all that-and she is like WHY, WHY not-are you scared of the babysitter?

Please tell me I am just digging TOO DEEP into this mess.

I guess I am just on the DETECTIVE work b/c I am waiting for the moment she turns back into her coniving self!

Oh and BTW, that whole -Im mature thing, Im going to school? Yep, she pulled it! Trying to make it seem like she is all about bettering herself from a broke, drunken, jobless mess to this mature, polite, wondeful, ambitious mom-I dont buy it!

Help me-LOL...I need some direction here.

[slick]

Hello Dramafree...

Welcome! Men men men...they are such silly creatures. He probably wants her to keep "acting" mature and keep the cordiality she's been displaying. He may think if he reciprocates, she won't revert back to crazy. Don't worry so much about that. I like your byline....confidence makes you beautiful. Remain confident and unconcerned with her antics. Focus on making your home happy and love-filled.

[me]

you are so very right...I JUST sopke with my husband, I find it SO unbelievable how much he tried to support my craziness through this, and trying his hardest to make me a part of his kids too. I even told him I just want you to be aware that this IS the same physcho that has tormented us for so long-dont loose focus on that. I know she loves the extra talking and niceness he is giving her...but I think she will take that as "he must want me"

[doinwatigottado]

Drama,
I went through that exact same sitch. And dh never saw the coniving. He was so oblivious and or just ignoring the signs cuz he didn't want to start none. Dh never felt comfortable putting BM in her place (even when the reasons were more than valid and serious issues re: their son) because he knew there would be repercussions. She'd always think he was putting her down somehow as a mother, which he NEVER has until recently in a letter that was more in defense of me than her mothering skills.

I went through detective mode too, and it's not worth it because you ARE looking too deep. I am intrinsicly a very deep thinker and I can analyze to death which was really taking WAY too much energy IMO. I had to learn to shut that down and it was a process. I realized that I needed to really trust my dh as opposed to the actions of BM. AND I had to check HIM whenever he was out of line. It became really clear that she would be trying to get a rise out of me whenever she could and she also wanted to prove something to me. BTW, I know she is important as it relates to her son and the collaborative parenting with my dh, but as far as my relationship with dh is concerned, I felt she had no place there. I didn't even mind so much when she'd discuss OTHER things re: her life, but when she began to insert herself in our life as if I didn't exist, or as if I shouldn't take issue because she was SS's mother? SMH no way, that is where you draw the line. Now she could only do this while dh entertained her and I started honing in on the REAL issue. My dh.

Men can be real idiots, especially those who enjoy being "fathers" and absolutely loves having ALL of his kids with him. My dh has always been this way,even when he and I weren't together and so I know it's just a character flaw that is oh so honorable, so it's a double edge sword IMO. The only flaw in his character is that he allowed there to be no boundaries with BM because he wanted to be able to have SS whenever he wanted and have her comply.

Also, your SO should never give her that option to question him about any of his decisions, unless he wants to ALWAYS have to explain every detail of his decision making process with her allowing her the opportunity to change his decision, which is way too much influence.

[me]

yeah and like you I OVER ananlyze everything b/c I also AM a VERY deep thinker, I dig into situations that may not even need to be dug in to. I think that gets me angry when I do that so you're right. i need to stop thinking so far into this and I have talked to DH and he is very much aware of the boundries. Now I guess I can sit back and watch, hoping he acknowledges those boundries. Thank you

[doinwatigottado]

Drama Free,

I recently had a few epiphanies. I'm not sure if this is you, but I felt lost when I first came to the forum because I was over analyzing my own actions, her actions, his actions, SS's behavior soooo much and trying so hard to be fair to BM , SS, and DH that I stopped lookin out for my own best interest. I also believe that all the information from overanalyzing overlapped and even contradicted itself with fairness being my goal that it got to the point where I no longer could direct myself. Like you, I came here looking for help, and I got it. Know that it is a process and if you take the direction given here and move forward you will see subtle changes, not only in yourself, but also in your SO. It is worth it in the end.

One of the epiphany's is that I didn't want to feel "wrong" about wanting to look out for myself. I wanted to know after setting the boundaries that there was still room to be fair and well, I believe I was able to accomplish that and walk away knowing I did my very best in this situation. It was important that I feel good about myself in the end and I do.