Advice... Please be very honest!!

[blaquechinadoll]

Hello Ladies,
I have been away for a while, then checked in to say hi last week... God must have wanted me to check in, because BM is at it again... I should have knocked on wood, when I said last week that she was at bay.
Situation:
Two nights ago, BM calls hubby and tells him that she WAS going to get on public assistance, which means he'll prob be put on CS, but that:"IF THE LETTER COME IN THE MAIL, IGNORE IT. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT." This was after she called and he let it go to vm, but she didn't leave a message, so he called back.
So, I tell DH to IGNORE HER & READ THE LETTER CAREFULLY. He was kind nonchalant about it, saying ok... but I sensed a bit of attitude.
So, now I feel like this: I know that I told him to go ahead and beat her to the punch & put himself on CS. That way he can get a lawyer and get terms negotiated a bit better than her going thru the system. He didn't. She has threatened him with this b4. I tend to be proactive, he's reactive. Well, I don't get why he had the attitude and it seemed towards me. I feel like, hell, handle it then. I'm out. It's as if he can't see the forest for the trees. Since when has she EVER looked out for him, or treated him like a human? My POV is that I think she wants him to miss a court date (or whatever is next) and she ends up getting whatever it is she needs assistance with, and he gets into a world of trouble. The last time she tried this, the judge put her out for "wasting the court's time", DH had all kinds of proof that he is taking care of his bizness.... now we are in a different county, new game plan in the court system. His family already looks down on him for the 2 out-of-wedlock kids already. (they found out sd7 just 2 years ago). So he REALLY don't want the CS stigma too. But, whatever. I am so tempted to just wash my hands and be all lassier faire about it. He knows that I have his back in certain situations, but if I advise him, and he goes his own route, he's on his own. He knows that I know my stuff b/c I made his stepmom eat dirt when she tried to cheat him out of his father's estate, making him pay for his father's house and funeral. Beacuse of me he got it all back, without hiring a lawyer. I did all of the paperwork and negotiaited with the mediator and step mom's attorney... and won, all with only a funeral director/embalmer's degree. It took a lot out of me, but he'd already lost his father and she was being ridiculous.
I'm in school now and WILL be a nurse. I don't have time for the bs. I want to walk away and let him see for himself that she is caniving. Still not getting why he don't see that. He can IGNORE these papers if he want... I won't be playing Capt-Sav-a-Hoe.

Need blunt, frank, honest opinions please! I have thick skin.

Thanks a bunch

[memy]

I'm still beating my head against the wall as to why these men would rather wait til all types of hell done broke loose to take our word at face value!!

Blaque I know this doesnt help ur sitch but.......

Geeze....Why do they wait til the damage is done and then turn to US when their back is against the wall? I will never get it..

Capt-sav-a-hoe...lol, U got that right!

[blaquechinadoll]

For real... Hint, hint: She could have left that on vm, if it was legit. She leaves everything else on vm. IMO she didn't want him to have evidence, i guess. He IS a pack rat.... and an idiot.

[ladyqb]

Men don't like to be taken to court for child support because they don't the system mandating to them how to take care of their children specially when they are already handling their business. It angers them to the maxs and by you being the closet person to him, you become the receptable for depositing his anger. H*lll to no, this is not right.

BM is playing games. She tells him she getting on ADFC and of course they are taking him to court when it really her behind AFDC manipulating the situation. BM knows the situation angers him, that is why she blamed AFDC. Also, her greedy a** is trying to get money from DH and AFDC. If AFDC knows DH is giving her CS, she is limited to benefits from AFDC.

DO NOT DISMISS ANY DOCUMENTS YOU RECEIVE FROM THE COURT. If he doesn't show up in court, he could be in comtempt of court and a warrant issued for his arrest.

The end results could really be nasty for DH and the kids. Never play games with the court system.

[doinwatigottado]

Blacque. I've been asking my Dh to go to court and put himself on CS for YEARS now, and still he hasn't. I don't know about your SO, but mine seems to have this intrinsic sense that he has no rights when it comes to his children. IDK Why? AND he seems to think that by not focusing on it, it will go away, but of course it never does. What is your sense of it? My DH is a procrastinator too. He will wait til the very last minute on just about everything and it's all this avoidance strategy that seems to have worked for him so far, but sooner or later the fat lady WILL sing.

[MsKokamo]

I really believe that these men want to believe that the woman they created children with is not that evil (manipulating or bitter included). That is why they try to do the right thing, and think that by doing the right thing BM will recognize and appreciate that and respect them for it. Eventually...and in there heads eventually (although it is indefinite) is better than cut ordered CS. I agree that I'm more proactive than my SO, but hey, what can you do about other peoples business.

As far as his attitude, with SO he hates drama. He doesn't even like watching it on TV like that. Whenever something BM related comes up, he goes into frustrated mode. Afterwards, hell let me know thast his attitude isn't directed towards me and be it not for that, I would think the attitude is for me. So I just don't take it personal and know that its his first respone to me bringin up somethin that he thinks will lead to drama.

But if he wants tio believe she lookin out for him, I would say let him but if he sets himself up to be screwed and that happens, it will affect the finances in your household. So IDK. Maybe just read the letter when it gets there and let him know what would have happened had he ignored it.

[jaylady999]

I really believe that these men want to believe that the woman they created children with is not that evil (manipulating or bitter included).

MsK, this, I honestly believe is the crux of a lot of issues with BMs and why the fathers deal with them the way they do.

[theone]

Kind of reminds me a BIT of my DH. Infact I am starting to get very annoyed. I am so tired of DH not seeing her (BM) antics for what they are. I will tell him about it, and he is starting to get annoyed with me it seems when I give him a heads up on the craziness. Its like okay fool-Im telling you this is BS, Im trying to help YOU! Its at the point where I might just sit back and watch the drama and let it all ride and say HAHAHA I told you so! Men-why are some of them so simple minded?

[chalan]

Blaque~ I agree with you but it might be because of all of the BMD. If a woman is so manipulative and conniving when it concerns her kids, how can you trust anything she says. If I were DH, I would look out for myself, for my future. The only way to do that would be to put himself on CS. Just to convince him times have changed. It displays financial responsibility for his kids by paying CS.

I understand taking a step back and letting him learn a lesson, but this lesson will affect your household too. His stupidity and stubbornness shouldn’t create a lesson for you too. Try to get through to him. If you can’t, oh well, he should have listened.

My brother did the same thing, wanted to believe BM was upfront and honest with her motives so he listened to her. When they got to court that BM didn’t show up but her alter ego did, she took him for everything she could get.

I agree with MsK. These men want to believe BM can be good and give her opportunity after opportunity to be that good person but it NEVER pans out.

[slick]

Wow.....I thought my DH was just an idiot. LOL! Sometimes I think he thinks she's going to actually act in the best interest of her children. HA! I told him to pay her in money orders when I found out he was giving her money and she told him she wasn't going to take him up for child support, he didn't need to give her money orders. I tell him the hooker doesn't have a bank account and the hassle of getting the money order cashed is her problem....did he listen? He swears he did and demanded that I TRUST him....puhleaze! He claimed that since she was on welfare, the money order receipts were not credited towards the CS order. He just got slammed with the largest CS order of all and all the while, he was paying her CASH monthly and she was receiving TANF. He had no idea she was on welfare. She blamed the court proceedings on TANF, too. She is the one who deceived the system and misled them to believe she didn't know who or how to find her child's father. He kept asking to get on the birth certificate and for his daughter to be named after him. It took for me to pull the wool off of his eyes and let him know that she pulled a move in the hospital when he asked about the birth certificate....she told him that the nurse had already taken the paperwork. All of her kids, although by 4 different men, have her last name. None of their fathers are on their birth certificates. She has always been on the system. SD5 is at the age where Clinton gave those welfare queens that 60 month cut off. So she "found" the one out of the four fathers of her children who's employed and gave his name to the system. He gets to pay an extra $10 bucks for medicaid. She's now on a welfare-to-work contract.....we found that out through hiring an attorney. It took for me to dissolve our lease and find a place of my own for that turkey to see that I wasn't playing, nor was I willing to be on the "learning lesson" end of the consequences if he didn't ACT (and get his ass an attorney). She gave his name to the system and never showed for court and the CS calculator had him at 100% responsible for the child and her at 0%. The attorney subpoenaed her employment records (from info that I retrieved from the dumb hoe's FB page) and the calculator was reset to 51% him and 49% her. He requested her friendship from his page (at my suggestion) and she felt like queen baby mama because none of the other BM's were on his page, so she was braggadocious on her page, talkin about she went to UDC for Early Childhood education and she was a teacher! LMAO! That hooker answers the phone and receives guests at the FRONT DESK....LOL! She doesn't even get the money, it goes through the state and comes to her in the form of welfare. She just set it up for when they cut her trifling butt off, he's in line to continue her rescue from laziness. Where are the rest of her kids' fathers? They don't give a sh*t and they get a pass. :/

Blacque, call me petty, but I am not willing to learn a lesson taught by a hoe. He better open up his d**ned ears......LOL!

[youknowisback]

Either way he will not be able to beat the system. My sis BD sister told him the same thing. The courts are hip to this and the state is tired of picking up the tab for children the father's have the money to support. If she is getting food stamps or Medicaid for those kids he will be put on CS and the state will get a portion of the money. It is a recession. That's what you have to consider dating a person with kids. Kinda why I'm chillin on my ex because he has 2 kids and 2 BM's which ain't worth a d**n. Sucks for the kids cause I know I could raise them better but nevertheless they are their kids. I have to take care of my own.

If she gets it.....he will have to pay. Bottomline.

[blaquechinadoll]

Hello all and Thanks!!
I have been on Jekyll Island for a week with no cell phone or internet or DH or BM... LOVELY!
DH has proof that he pays for health benfits... but at this point, I am tired. I won't be learning a lesson from BM. HE will. She has never left her zip code, so the only thing she can teach me are ghetto games!! (No, thanks!) I noticed that he is all over the mailbox lately. Sadly, he doesn't recognize that I put in my 2 cents and I'm done. I have told him where I stand and that's it. The idot can do what he pleases. True, it may affect me, but there are options. I knew that I was involved with someone with some BMD, but I also called myself marrying a man. With that being said, the "married" part means partnership, where WE work things out for the benefit of US (kids included). The "man" part means not only doing what's right, but being responsible and accountable for it. So, it's ultimately up to him. He knows that I will only support what is right, but I won't be dragging me and mine down b/c he beleives that the righteous BM he has kids with is so imppecable. There are consequences to all actions, he'll see. I personally think that she won't get what she thinks she'll get if they'll just go ahead and do the CS thing. I can't imagine why it doesn't get old with him. Every 3-5 years, she wants to send him to court, but either changes her mind or gets embarrased...but then she brags that she's not a welfare mom... whatever. I've said my piece. I don't argue or nag, he knows this. So, hopefully, he will realize a game when it's been played... or maybe he needs to really see that she ain't $h!t!!. Experience can be the best teacher. Maybe a day in jail will shock his system to reality. Who knows... it's almost comical watching two idiots trying to outdo each other, yet sad..
Either way, thanks again for your comments.