What should I do? Honestly?

[Tryin2BaGoodDad]

Hello Everyone... I'm a long time reader and lurker... never have posted here before but I've got a dilemma and need some feedback.

I'm not going to get into the long story of me and the BM drama. Basically for 6 months BM kept me away from my daughter, and when I took her to custody court and got a TO for PT she did everything in her power to mess with me and my parenting time with my daughter (basically saying my daughter was sick so she wouldn't have to bring my daughter, showing up 30-45 mins late when I only had 2 hours visitation, etc.). Because I didn't want to be with her, BM basically did things out of spite and hatred and used my daughter as a pawn to get back at me because she knew I love my daughter and it would be the only way she could get to me.

In a nutshell... after a year of custody court I finally got a court order for overnights with my daughter and joint decision making.

She lives in a city that's about an hour drive away from mine... and in the court order it says if I go get my daughter she needs to pick her up when my time is up, or vise versa. Basically meet me halfway. She had came to me and asked if I could go both ways for my daughter because she could not afford to drive up once a week (mind you, I pay the maximum allowed for my wages earned per year because she makes much less than what I make, so my CS is $460 per month). I agreed to do it because I just want to be civil, want to see my daughter, and am trying to not hold grudges and be a good parent.

3 weeks ago BM asks me to switch days for my parenting time so she could "Go out with the girls". I was supposed to take my daughter on thursday and she asked if I could do friday. Thursday was my day off and I had to work friday. To be a good parent, I spoke to my boss and pulled some strings with a co worker so I could have friday off in order to help her out. When I tell her she's good to go, she then says "Why don't you just take her the entire weekend?" when I tell her I can't and I have to work she starts screaming at me, calls me a bad father, and says she is stressed out and never has time for herself and needs a break. Mind you... she kept me away from my daughter for over a year and did everything in her power to make sure I am not in my daughters life. I give her an inch, and she wants a foot.

2 weeks ago I had to work directly after my parenting time and wouldnt have gotten as much time with my daughter if I brought her back early. I asked her to come get her in my city because I had to be at work, and the immediate reply was her screaming at me and saying "IF YOU CAN'T BRING HER BACK THEN YOU'RE NOT TAKING HER!". I then remind her that there is a court order that I take my daughter once a week, and she is supposed to be meeting me halfway, and I haven't held her to it because I was helping her out (For 4 months straight every week). I then say that I helped her, and the one time I ask her to help me and follow the court order that is in place and she gives me a hard time? She then obliges to pick up our daughter when our parenting time is up, but gives an attitude about it the entire time.

Today (with an attitude again) she calls me and says she needs me to give her more money (on top of what she gets for child support) for a baby sitter while she is at work. I then ask her about day care, which she gets a schloarship for and is free for my daughter, and she says she doesn't like taking her there because my daughter has gotten sick from there so she is not putting her there anymore (I just want to add that this was not in agreement with me... she made this decision without me, like she does with everything, even though we have joint decision making). She then tells me that she pays $30 a day to the sitters for my daughter, and wants me to pay half. When I ask who the sitter is... she says the sitter is her mother (my daughters grand mother). So basically she is asking me for an additional $420 a month for A GRANDMOTHER TO WATCH HER GRANDDAUGHTER!

I did not tell her no yet... but needless to say right now I am at odds. Am I being played for a fool? I never give her problems with anything she has asked me for money wise for my daughter or anything she has asked me for in the past for help. I think she is bullnutsting and just wants more money.

I also want to add that I buy clothes for my daughter all the time whenever she grows out of the clothes she has. I have spent over $800 on clothes for my daughter so far, and always make sure she has over 30 different outfits so she never has to wear the same thing twice in a month. Of all the times I have seen my daughter during the custody battle, or now when I get my full days with her... she has never worn any outfit that I have bought her... which leads me to believe she might be bringing the clothes back to the store and getting the money back.

Sorry for the long drawn out story... but anyone who has read this... what should I do with the situation right now? Should I help her out and give her the money? Or should I stick to the court order and not help her with anything?

Thanks in advance.

[memy]

"I never give her problems with anything"

I think this is the problem with alot of fathers in this sitch. You guys are all too willing to give without putting up a fight. Excuse my language, but, there's nothing wrong with acting like an azzhole every now and then. The thing is, she's too comfortable coming to you asking for these lil extras. If I knew my BD was always going to give me what I wanted, I'd probably be asking him for extras too..

Some folks just need to be trained. Or should I say re-trained. They want the benefits as if you all were still an item, but it doesn't work that way. And YOU have to let her know that through your actions.

[gemmani]

Good point Memy.

Tryin~ First off, I'm sorry you have to deal with this nonsense. I must warn you, when it come to BMs like yours, if you give them an inch they'll try to take 10 miles. She figures she can do what she wants because you give in to her.
Good thing you have a court order. Do not give in to her demands. She has access to free childcare then that's what she should be using. If you give in to her and give the money, she will continue to ask for more and more. Use your CO as a boundary. Don't do her any favors. If it says hse's supposed to help with transporting your daughter, then MAKE her do it! If she doesn't, file for contempt.
You should start keeping records of each and every time she violates the order or tries to keep your daughter from you. Fight fire with fire. Stand up for yourself, don't let her try to run you. It isn't an easy battle but it's worth it to fight.
A side effect of letting her run you is that your daughter will learn this behavior from her mother. She will think it's okay to treat you like this. Be strong for her, show her that her dad means business and will not let anyone try to punk him. Good luck!

[slick]

E X A C T L Y Gem!

[Tryin2BeAGoodDad]

Thanks for the advice. I especially want my daughter to respect me, and respect my authority; and you guys are absolutely right in that if I continue to give in to her mother then she will think it's ok to walk all over me. While I do spoil her and will continue to spoil her as long as financially feasible... there's a fine line between spoiling her and allowing her to do whatever she pleases.

All in all I will be putting my foot down on these issues. I just don't want to feel like I am being a bad father by not helping and refusing to meet halfway. In all actuality, BM is the one who needs to meet halfway.

Thanks again everyone! Good advice!

[jaylady999]

I just don't want to feel like I am being a bad father by not helping and refusing to meet halfway

Remember this: As long as you are following your CO, you are not being a bad father. In fact, not giving into to BM requests makes you an even better father. This way you ignore her nonsense and concentrate 100% on your daughter.

You are ahead of the game as it is by getting the CO. A lot of BDs simply roll over for BM and goes along with HER problem, for whatever reason scared to get this stuff in writing, legally.

How old is your daughter by the way?

[dixiepeach]

Be mindful that in some states providing financial support over above a current CS order implies that the current CS order should be modified. In short, BM may be asking for more $ just to see if you will/can give it and present that as evidence of ability to pay more when modification time comes. As far as the clothes situation, I'm about 98% sure she's either returning the items or selling them. An outfit a day is TOO much. "Tryin2be", you doin too much...

[only1wife]

Why don't you do what theCS order say's? Then if you want the baby to have extra do so on your visitation order days? It shouldn't be held gainst you.