|
|
Post by thewifey on Nov 27, 2009 3:23:31 GMT -5
I'm the wife experiencing BMD with my husbands ex. She is very immature and loves to do things out of spite. Well first off my husbands custody days are Thurs-Sun so exactly half the week. He gets all holidays on the odd years (which happens to be this year) on Wed he talked to his BM and they agreed on him picking up his son at 11am the on Thanksgiving day. We're driving to her house and we're almost there and at 11 o'clock she calls and tells my husband to pick him up at 12:30pm because she wants more time. My husband told her they already agreed and we were there. He proceeds to the door and she stays upstairs and tells her parents to tell him that he's not going and to come back (mind u she's 24 years old). We drove 30min to get there and she decided to change her mind at the last minute. Needless to say my husband was very upset he told her she needs to drop him off if she changing this at the last minutes and she said she'll think about it. 12:30 rolls by so we make our way back there and pick him up. I'm 27 years old and I'm not here to play games with this girl. My primary concern is making my step sons life as easy as possible because he already has to go through the terrible pain of going from one family to another. I'm thinking of having a civil woman to woman conversation with her when she comes to pick him up because this is only one of the many problems she's caused and she doesn't have a man so her world revolves around us. She and I have talked here and there but I moslty keep my nose out of the drama and support my husband and the decisions we make. But, she has to understand this situation is bigger than her, my husband and I. Should I talk to her?
|
|
|
|
Post by jaylady999 on Nov 27, 2009 9:32:34 GMT -5
Whatever you do, please do not initiate conversation with this woman. Not your place AT ALL. You may think that the situation is bigger than the adults in it, but its not your place to let her know.  |
|
|
|
Post by denvergirl on Nov 27, 2009 10:58:47 GMT -5
I made the mistake by talking to my BM with the permission of my SO. She tried very hard to pull whatever crap she thought she could and after our talk she put a restraining order against my SO to keep him away from the child.
This lead to be an ugly mess, but brought us to a court order. Which in the end turned into a blessing, and has taught us to follow any court order and keep a copy with us. We've had to call the cops many times, and our copy has saved us trips, money etc.
I understand your concern for the child, as this was my concern as well. I have learned its my SO responsibility to battle with the BM and my responsibility to support my SO decisions.
I finally came to the conclusion, there is nothing I can do to change the BM into thinking "correctly" nor can my SO. We just deal with things legally. And I don't go along with all the bull crap from the BM.
|
|
|
|
Post by thewifey on Nov 27, 2009 12:31:54 GMT -5
Thank you all for responses and your totally right. It's just so d**n stressful and sometimes the situation gets to you. But I'm going to definetly follow your advice and just support my husband because me getting involved will only make the matter worse. Thank you again and God bless.
|
|
|
|
Post by youknow on Nov 30, 2009 11:11:25 GMT -5
From BM's perspective it is hard to be forced to share your child with someone when you really don't want to. It also equally hard to have parenting power yanked away from you by a court. Going from one family to another is detrimental to child psychologist have said so. There is no time for routine or structure. She needs to have the order modified for every other weekend only. Because she feels overwhelmed by the situation and being forced to share her child and powerless in the situation she is attempting to exert power in other immature, silly ways.
I would be pissed if that were my sitch and I know it. I love having my son all to my self I just need a better support system for me. But try to understand how you would feel if it were you. Trying to rationalize with her is a waste of time. Sometimes it is HARD to be the bigger person and she may not have the emotional maturity yet. Then knowing there is another woman involved with your child it can be a bit much.
Give her time to grow and accept reality you can't force reality on anyone. Truthfully I would be glad for someone to get my son half a week..........but NOT by force. More time for ME.
|
|
|
|
Post by rebekola on Jan 2, 2010 10:57:33 GMT -5
In our area, the Sheriffs can talk to the person in violation of the order and they can explain the law and the consequences, but law enforcement officers cannot "make" the violator do anything. In our area the officer reports the violation and it's filed with and investigator who then decides whether or not to prosecute the violator. In our case, she would have to violate the Order repeatedly to be in any trouble. The way I see it, Primary Conservators get a free pass to disobey the decree any time they want as it is unclear how many violations will result in any real enforcement. Absolutely not. It will only cause more confusion. Right now she is trying to show your DH how much power she has as the CP. I suggest that he illustrate to BM how much power he has. He can do that by sticking to the CO. I would suggest that he keep a copy of his custody order handy to be prepared for the games the BM may play. If BM acts up, he can call the police and show his custody order. The police can intervene and make her abide by the court order. I know that he may not want to take it that far, but sometimes BMs have to be slapped with a dose of reality. |
|
|
|
Post by rebekola on Jan 2, 2010 12:27:59 GMT -5
I don't understand how one's feelings toward the other parent are an excuse for not being a responsible parent. I know two adults who grew up with spiteful mothers who saw their children as their property and the kids bear resentment against their mothers for unwillingness to "share" them with their fathers. Unless the father is a drug-addict, habitually violent or a child molester, a father should see his children and regularly. We live in a culture where being an adult/mature parent is not encouraged and it's a gross injustice to children of divorce that courts give these moms who parent based on their own emotions rather than moral conviction no incentive to change their thinking. They continue to believe that their child is their possession because the court supports this flawed logic by giving the mother plenty of power to abuse. The court basically says "The child is yours, you can move anywhere you want, you can choose what school they go to, you can pick them up early from school to interfere with visitation, you can take the kid to the doctor a ridiculous amount of times whether or not the father agrees to it and he still has to pay, the kid is yours" BUT wait! Was there another person responsible for this child existing? Yes! But rather than see that other parent as an equally important person in that child's life, all that father is granted is a financial obligation and a small fraction of quality time with his child. If he thinks the order is unfair, he has to spend tens of thousands of dollars on a cunning lawyer to re-modify, and there is STILL a chance the judge will deny his request for more time with his child. PLUS, if the motion is granted, the mom can still deny visitation and the only recourse is calling the police (they can't make her do anything) or spending MORE money to go back to court. Is it an unpleasant environment to still have ties to someone you would rather not have anything to do with at all? Yes, I can't see how it would be anything BUT unpleasant. Is it the responsibility of the parents to ensure that the child has the best childhood possible in spite of the circumstances of being in a fractured family? I think so. Ask a child if they wish mom would let them see dad more often and I bet most of them would say yes. I know for a fact my stepson would. Is it harder to "share"or to live with the consequences when your child becomes an adult and would rather spend the holidays with dad because mom wouldn't allow enough time with dad as a kid? I guess it's up to the mom to choose between short-term satisfaction OR the long-term benefit of having a child who had the great co-parenting childhood with minimal regret about the time lost with dad AND being proud of a mother who put her child before her own feelings. Too bad most moms don't look that far into the future and too bad that the court is doing their part to distract moms from considering the future and from making their own mind up about what's best for the child. Off the soapbox... From BM's perspective it is hard to be forced to share your child with someone when you really don't want to. It also equally hard to have parenting power yanked away from you by a court. Going from one family to another is detrimental to child psychologist have said so. There is no time for routine or structure. She needs to have the order modified for every other weekend only. Because she feels overwhelmed by the situation and being forced to share her child and powerless in the situation she is attempting to exert power in other immature, silly ways. I would be pissed if that were my sitch and I know it. I love having my son all to my self I just need a better support system for me. But try to understand how you would feel if it were you. Trying to rationalize with her is a waste of time. Sometimes it is HARD to be the bigger person and she may not have the emotional maturity yet. Then knowing there is another woman involved with your child it can be a bit much. Give her time to grow and accept reality you can't force reality on anyone. Truthfully I would be glad for someone to get my son half a week..........but NOT by force. More time for ME. |
|
|
|
Post by tomcat7000 on Jan 3, 2010 17:25:48 GMT -5
Unfortunately talking sometimes may make things worse. However, the fact is that the court system is the mediator now because there needed to be a middle man involved. Check with the court to see what measures can be take to insure the childs mother keeps her end of the bargain. Believe me, I know what it's like to try and deal with someone who choses to be ignorant.
|
|
