Multiple BMs

[tarantula]

I am in a serious relationship with a man who has 4 baby mamas. I have one 5 year-old of my own and did not find out about the 2 youngest children until we got back together. We have been involved on and off for several years. Since he came clean about everything and I forgave him, I have tried to be understanding of his desire to be a good father to all of his children. He says he would like to get married to me and settle down. However, the problem I face that he does not have healthy boundaries when it comes to his BM's and his children. He has no set schedule for visiting and sees them whenever he wants or whenever the BMs call or text. Since i have a child of my own it is important for me to be able to create a sense of stability for her in our home together, should we marry. We have had several arguments about it and have also broken up over the situation because he says I am just trying to control everything. I feel like I should be able to expect to know what my week is going to look like from one week to the next, not have to deal with countless phone calls and texts from BMs whenever they feel like it. I think I am making a huge sacrifice and I think he wants to have his cake and eat it too. If he can't set some clear boundaries I feel like I should move on for good. Any suggestions from my fellow BM bloggers?

[rebekola]

Marriage is not a good idea in your situation, in my opinion. I actually envy your boyfriend because my DH can't see his son that much nor has that flexibility with his baby mama. I wish my stepson could see his dad more.

"I think I am making a huge sacrifice" That is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to being a step-parent. In my experience, I had NO idea what I was getting myself into with a man with a child from a previous relationship until I was knee-deep in it. It NEVER seems to get any easier, and it NEVER seems to get any better. Parents who are split-up can be so cruel to each other and very callous to the needs of the child. Because I love my stepson, it's that much harder to be married to my husband and a be a stepparent. Being a step parent a long, heart-breaking road. It means watching your hard earned money go into the pocket of another woman who may not even be spending it on the child. It means loving and caring for a child who doesn't appreciate or recognize your efforts. It means having to reteach the rules of the house on a frequent basis. It means hearing the child comparing you to his ex. It's frustrating and emotionally exhausting. The only benefit I have received from this experience is that I have learned to be a better person and a better parent by learning from the mistakes of his baby mama.

Also, It does not sound like you have much affection for his children, so marriage doesn't seem to be where your relationship is headed. It doesn't sound like this man can give you what you want. Kudos to him for coming clean with you and being there for his kids. "Sometimes love just ain't enough."

[tarantula]

i see and appreciate your point. I don't think i said i minded him seeing and spending time with his kids. i just think it should be on some type of schedule. I don't treat his children any less because they live in different households but I would like respect for my household and i don't think that it should have a revolving door. perhaps my love for him and his children isn't enough and maybe he would be better off with a woman who has multiple baby daddys.