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Post by cantwegetalong on Apr 6, 2010 18:07:29 GMT -5
I dated my BM from 2001 to 2004 we have a child together. When we broke up it was hard but I got over it alot happened in between that time, too much to write...I haven't been in a serious relationship until late 2009 I met a really good woman.
Since my livelihood revolves around my daughter, I check in with her with every big decision and I talk to her mum as well.
We (my new lady and I) recently made a decision to move in together, I spoke with my daughter first to make sure she was ok and happy with the decision i was about to make, then talked to her mum after. Her mum is raising a huge stink right now saying I disrespected her and I should have talked to her first before talking to my daughter.
My thinking is that if my daughter is not happy with the person I am with then It is not gonna work, hence my strategy. Now she is threatening not to let my daughter sleep over if I move in with this lady at least not until she meets her. The clincher is that she doesn't want to meet her or she says until she is good and ready which could mean never.
Was I wrong?? what are the rules?? or is it drama because it is the first serious relationship i have been in since her?
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ayzha
Junior Member
Posts: 97
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Post by ayzha on Apr 6, 2010 20:23:30 GMT -5
Ok I am coming from the GF perspective. I am going to say some of the possible reasons for your bm behavior. Being that you and your BM broke up in 2004, I have to ask if you guys have had any type of sexual contact after the break up because this could have gave her the false hope of you guys getting back together. Has she had any serious relationship and how did you act to this? When you visit your daughter, do you hang out at BM house or do you just pick her up? Do you and BM do activities like go to parks, movies, mall, etc with your daughter. This created the image of happy family therefore causing for you BM to think that you could still have some interest in her. Do you call just to talk about life in general or just your daughter. Depending upon your answers to these questions it will give a little background on BM behavior.
Stop letting BM in your business. Has your daughter met your girlfriend? The BM in my situation did not want me around SS at all even though she knew we were living together. She didnt want to meet me because she didnt think that it was necessary because she kept telling everyone that they were on a break and getting back together. She said that my bf and I relationship wouldnt last. She still wore the necklace my bf gave her and had pictures of just the two of them up. She finally agreed to meet me after 1.5 years of living together after figuring out that I was having contact with the baby. She had wanted to give me a list of rules but I didnt agree to that meeting. The meeting didnt really do anything because she was still rude because she wants my bf. I felt that she was just trying to find out something negative about me but couldnt. She did take the necklace off and the pictures down so I guess in her head, seeing me was facing reality.
If your bm never meets your gf then that is totally fine. After a certain amount of time, then too much time would have passed. Like in my situation when BM wanted to make the rules, it was too late because my BF and I already had our agreement of how things were running in our house. A meeting may happen by passing in the future so you never know.
You would never have anyone that wouldnt treat your daughter kind around her. Tell her that you are the father and you love your daughter.
My SS has never slept over. I do feel that sometimes it is because of me. He is almost three but my BF has never had him overnights. We made one attempt when he was 9 months and he cried like crazy so my BF had to take him back to BM house. He still sleeps in the bed with his mom and I feel that she wants to have some control over the situation and feel needed. She is threatened that I may replace her and thats sad.
Your bm is very insecure. She will have to accept reality that you are not coming back. You have moved on and she will have to do the same. I know how men dont like the courts but if it comes down to it that may have to be an option with visitation so you wont have to kiss BM butt for your visitation.
Just know that the situation with BM will change now that you have a serious girlfriend. She may be use to you hanging out with them or having joint birthdays excluding your gf or calling you to fix stuff or pick her up from somewhere. Even though you two were not together you probably did a lot of this stuff so she never really felt the need to move on because you were always there even if not sexually.
If you want things to work with your gf then you are going to have put up some boundaries with bm. You may want to tell your gf about this site or others like this because she may have some insecuirities about everything too.
Trust me. My BF and I fought so much about BM because I was the first relationship and the baby was so young when we dated only 2 months. He would get annoyed. I realized that it was my insecurities. I dont get aong with BM 100% but we can be cordial and communicated if needed by text but she is no way my friend. She still has issues with me as I with her. I suspect that it would be like this for a while. Its almost three years so she is coping with everything better. I still pray that she finds a man.
My bf always jokes that he will put his BM bf through the drama that she has put him through in regards to me so she can see how dumb she looked and sounded.
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Post by triciatenaka on Sept 13, 2010 8:08:21 GMT -5
Take a book from my man's page. A BM should have no power what so ever regarding a relationship you have with another woman. See this is how I think most BMs become those irate problem causing you-know-whats. The man not being clear about their relationship until it is too late. You didn't establish any grounds until you had a GF and she was moving in. Had you sat your BM down before hand (perhaps when ya'll broke up) and said "this is how it's gonna be regarding my love life", she would have probably reacted like they normally do but you wouldn't have subjected your GF to your BMs BS (becaue she doesn't exist yet), or did you have sex with your BM until your GF came along? I ALWAYS assume a man who has a BM is still f**king her until I am proved otherwise. I think for the most part, the BMs kind of have that same mentality: he is my man because I have a baby with him and it will be this way until HE SAYS OTHERWISE. I hate to say it but it's all your fault.
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Post by memyslfni on Sept 13, 2010 9:25:11 GMT -5
It's never to late to set a broad STRAIGHT! Consider it your full-time job...lol  |
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Post by triciatenaka on Sept 13, 2010 9:43:44 GMT -5
It's never to late to set a broad STRAIGHT! Consider it your full-time job...lol Heeyyy, what's that suppose to mean?  |
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Post by jusdntundstn on Sept 13, 2010 10:15:10 GMT -5
It's never to late to set a broad STRAIGHT! Consider it your full-time job...lol Heeyyy, what's that suppose to mean? This was actually directed towards the OP..  |
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Post by jaylady999 on Sept 17, 2010 7:12:53 GMT -5
Take a book from my man's page. A BM should have no power what so ever regarding a relationship you have with another woman. See this is how I think most BMs become those irate problem causing you-know-whats. The man not being clear about their relationship until it is too late. You didn't establish any grounds until you had a GF and she was moving in. Had you sat your BM down before hand (perhaps when ya'll broke up) and said "this is how it's gonna be regarding my love life", she would have probably reacted like they normally do but you wouldn't have subjected your GF to your BMs BS (becaue she doesn't exist yet), or did you have sex with your BM until your GF came along? I ALWAYS assume a man who has a BM is still f**king her until I am proved otherwise. I think for the most part, the BMs kind of have that same mentality: he is my man because I have a baby with him and it will be this way until HE SAYS OTHERWISE. I hate to say it but it's all your fault. Your generalizations about BMs are disgusting. |
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Post by appleblossom on Sept 22, 2010 1:18:08 GMT -5
IDK. What would make you think that you had to get the BMs approval at all?
I would say try reasoning with her. Ask her if she would like for you to check and approve all of the boyfriends she brings around.
Or that if the shoe were on the other foot, would she appreciate you holding her child hostage until you saw fit to approve her boyfriend and allow her to resume seeing her child.
I would also tell her that since she thought you were such great father potential by having a baby with you in the first place, then she should continue trusting her choice in a father for her child by trusting that you have her daughter's best interest at heart and would never bring a girlfriend around that you believed would be a danger to the precious life that she brought into the world for you. ;D
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