Being a GF and a StepMom....I need advice!

[inmyeyes7]

I'm the GF of four years and my Boyfriend has three kids. (12,9, and 5) with 2 BMs. We recently moved in together and BM number one moved back to the state with his two oldest. So now we have all three kids every other weekend or so. I have a good relationship with both BMs although I DO NOT agree with their parenting skills. The kids are always tearing my house apart and eatting EVERYTHING without asking they just take. I was raised to clean up after myself and ask before taking. Now this is causing problems with my Boyfriend and myself. We fight because he feels the kids should do whatever they want in the house. Should I just back off or what is my role?

[slick]

that's up to you....if you are okay with him disregarding your house rules and comfort, then deal with it.....I wouldn't

situations like these require you and your BF/SO to be on the same page

btw...i was raised to clean up after myself and ask before taking as well.

[superstepmama]

Oh man I am sort of in the same postion. I too am a GF and step mom with two BM's and 4 kids (6, 6, 10, 12 and we have a 2 year old) . It has taken 3 years for all the peices to really fall in to place. Like you the BM's have a completely different veiw of how to go about raising childeren. I was raised that I ask before I opened the fridge, God for bid I leave any candy wrappers on the floor, and I learned at a very age that is it is less painful for my a$$ to just follow the rules. Being a Step mother is one of the hardest things I have had to learn to do/become. And I do have a good relationship with one mom. BUT the other one is out of her mind. She has done nothing to help her three boys grow and learn. When they would get to our house it was like 3 lil wild caged animals set loose in my house. At first my BF was just letting them run wild. It took a long time, a lot of fights to get where we are today. Eventually he came to realize I was right and the boys all needed to learn at lot about life in the real world vs. the strange world their mother had been rasing them in. Now it is just small things like, pick up your dirty clothes, make your bed, and hang up your towel. But I am a stay at home mom now, which really helps on my stress levels. I have truly have come to love all of my steps like the are mine.
My advise talk to your BF and let him know that there are somethings happening that you are not happy with and work up a way to get that goal taken care of. My best way of getting things done is taking away the all mighty VIDEO GAMES. That is my biggest sorce of power. Hang in there if you love your man. But if you cant learn to love his kids which are a part of him move on and find that man with no kids to start your life with. It takes a special kind of crazy to be a great step mama.

[jaylady999]

Like you the BM's have a completely different veiw of how to go about raising childeren.

Although I am also a SM, I have to tell you ladies that as a BMs, please realize that most BMs really dont care what another woman thinks about their parent skills. Just FYI

Being a Step mother is one of the hardest things I have had to learn to do/become.

I think being a SM is only as hard as a SM makes it. Its rather easy for me and please believe, BM over this way tries to be a handful, but I dont allow her to. Not with me. Its that simple.

I have truly have come to love all of my steps like the are mine.

Love my skids to pieces, but I will never utter that I love them like I love my DS, because its not the same love and there is nothing wrong with feeling that way. They are not my kids. They have 2 parents who love them like their own and one SM who just loves them PERIOD. ;D

My advise talk to your BF and let him know that there are somethings happening that you are not happy with and work up a way to get that goal taken care of. My best way of getting things done is taking away the all mighty VIDEO GAMES.

Just curious, why does it seem as if you are doing all disciplining and your BF is doing none. I refuse to raise my skids, no way. DH is a good father who raises his children. I back him up, but I dont do his job for him.

Hang in there if you love your man. But if you cant learn to love his kids which are a part of him move on and find that man with no kids to start your life with. It takes a special kind of crazy to be a great step mama.

No it doesnt. It takes being with a man who knows how to set boundaries with the woman he he had kids with. And for the SM, all it really takes is mental 'ignore' button towards the BM. Really, thats all it takes.

[jusdntundstn]

My quick .02 ;D

I agree with Jay to a certain extent except I don't think it really matters whether you are a Gf/fiance/Wife/SM when it comes to standing by your man as long as you set boundaries. I mean, what man would want to make wife of a woman who didn't stand by him right?

I think what matters moreso would be the time invested or that's willing to be invested into a relationship where a man with children doesn't have all his chips together and truth be told, just because I become my SO's wife doesn't give me full parental rights/responsibilities over his their children.

In other words, just cuz I married him doesn't automatically make them my children and I (personally) would maintain the same distance/boundaries I had before I became a SM. Which means I'd steer clear of taking on any responsibilities that should be shared between the parents. I'm just here to help.. Besides, I have my own children to tend to..

Sooo..I think the question the OP and Superstepmama really need to ask themselves is...Do they really want all that responsibility to fall on THEMSELVES??

[jaylady999]

My quick .02 ;D

I agree with Jay to a certain extent except I don't think it really matters whether you are a Gf/fiance/Wife/SM when it comes to standing by your man as long as you set boundaries. I mean, what man would want to make wife of a woman who didn't stand by him right?

This is true and I'm a ride or die chick for my man regardless if its about BM or any other chick. But when it comes to investing a bunch of emotional energy or trying to assess his situation with this BM, I dont do it and I did it even less when I was only the GF. KWIM?

I think what matters moreso would be the time invested or that's willing to be invested into a relationship where a man with children doesn't have all his chips together and truth be told, just because I become my SO's wife doesn't give me full parental rights/responsibilities over his their children.

Absolutely not and you know me and where I stand on that, and I am the wife.

In other words, just cuz I married him doesn't automatically make them my children and I (personally) would maintain the same distance/boundaries I had before I became a SM.

Yep yep, all day. I am about as far away from overstepping of a SM as one could ever get.

Which means I'd steer clear of taking on any responsibilities that should be shared between the parents. I'm just here to help.. Besides, I have my own children to tend to..

Fo sho! And he is the only one(DS) that I willing to invest emotional energy into. I would invest a little bit more if skids lived with us. But for now, every other weekend, nah, I'll pass. I just love em when they are here until they leave and then love em again when they come back in 2 weeks. In between time, out of site out of mind. Not my place to do anything different.

Sooo..I think the question the OP and Superstepmama really need to ask themselves is...Do they really want all that responsibility to fall on THEMSELVES??

Good question I sincerely believe that a lot of issues that GFs/wives have is because they insert themselves into the parenting sitch where they do not belong. As a BM, I will cut you off at the knees for trying that ish between me and my BD. Just ask K.