PARANOID OR JUST GETTING PLAYED???

[bluebird]

Before I begin let me just say that I pretty much already know I'm getting played in my situation. I guess I just to need get hit upside the head with truth a few times by perfect strangers so I will finally believe it and move on with my life once and for all. Either way, don't hold back with your responses. I would love to hear from everyone, BMs & BDs too, AA memebers & pretty much anyone who knows what's really going on on don't mind calling a duck a duck.

To make a long story short, I've been on and off with my BF for roughly 3 years now. We were engaged in Feb 09 but haven't married because he's an alcoholic who's still not over his BM and I'm not COMPLETELY stupid. However, over the course of our relationship he has played my stupid ass several times over this IGNORANT broad and poor exscuse for a mother. They even got back together twice in the 3 years, each time I bowed out gracefully out of love for him and his son and respect for their attempts to be a family. It never works between them though and he always comes crawling back to me. I'm strong at first but eventually take him back because, at the end of the day, I still love him and never really get a chance to get over him before he's trying to win me back. The last time it was with a ring and promises of forever.

After we got engaged we moved in together and that's when the nuts really hit the fan. I soon discovered that he was secretly communicating with his BM, mostly through text, and not just about the kid. To be fair he was always honest with the fact that he still loved her and always would for the simple fact she brought his child into the world. He didn't say that he would be acting on it though, chasing after her ass, playing games and disrespecting me and our relationship. When I realized what was going on I was OUTRAGED. I threatened to leave and of course he turned on the charm to convince me to say. Like always I soon forgot my anger and the cycle continues...

We still live together but are now broken up over his latest BM BS. His exscuse is that he just wants "The Win" not really to be back with her. He also says that his alcoholism is to blame becuase it keeps him from really letting go though he knows they will never work. Either way I know I can't keep doing this to myself. His drinking is reason enough to let go but the BM BS just adds insult to injury. MAJOR insult! I'm at the point now where I wonder if he just asked me to marry him to make her jealous and if he's only trying to keep me because she won't take him back. He's the one that pushes to marry not me because nothing ever changes for long and I don't want to sign on for a lifetime of this. Also, we live together, share a car & I've been holding down most of the bills lately because of his DUI mess so he gets more out the deal for sure.

I guess I just want to know how bad this all really is and have any worthless hopes sufficiently dashed once and for all. Now he's promising to go to a treatment program and put BM behind him for good & part of me wants to believe that if he can stop drinking there's still hope. Help!

[memyslfni]

YIKES! I might have to suggest you give this deal a breather. ONLY because he's gaining more from this than Urself. Also, be advised that those temporary fixes are just a part of the plan to shield BM's feelings. Now if you do decide to give him another chance (and I know u will ), be firm about what it is you need from him. I would also suggest U not allow urself to be drawn into another make believe attempt to "fix things". Hold off on your true feelings until he can show u otherwise. And if he can't do that, then u know who's best interest he really does have at heart.

I've gone through the same thing (minus the alcoholism) with my BF for the past five years. With the exception that he's always had his own and then some (always being there for me). And I can say that I'm glad I didn't press the issue to get married... Things like this take time and the willingness of both parties to make the best of the situation.

[memyslfni]

Ok so I responded too quickly without reading a second time...U said he went back to her twice during the course of ur relationship???

That would have been a deal breaker for me...

Not Cool At All.

[bluebird]

I know you're right but let me give you some background. When my BF & I first got together he and his BM were only broken up for a few months. However he had moved out and was living on his own before I came into the picture. He was doing well for himself and looked out for me too. Though they had shared custody, he had his son most of the time and BM was not much of a factor. About a month into our dating, BM told him she didn't want to be a mother anymore and wanted to live her life. Now BF had his son officially full time and BM was really out the picture for a good month or two. Of course as soon as she got wind of me everything changed. All of a sudden she wanted to be a mom again and started coming around. Eventually she broke down and begged him to take her back and be a family. His son was really emotional at the time so that and the prospect of their family was a big reason to try again. Plus he and I were only dating a few months so I kindof understood. We've known eachother since we were 12 yrs old (31 now) so I already cared deeply for him & his son and just wanted them to be happy no matter what. Of course he and BM got rocky again sooner than later and he started pursuing me again. About 4 months after they reunited they broke up and BM moved out of the state and left her son behind. BF and I started hanging out again just as friends but soon we were back together. Fast forward 5 months later (and too much PSYCHO BMD to even mention) and its custody hearing time. My BF found evidence that BM was involved in some seriously shady sh*t and was using it as part of his defense in court. Long story short, she seduced him before the trial and they both threw out their pleas. This time I was completely humiliated and heartbroken and left him alone. They tried again for a couple of weeks but she ended up leaving again and leaving her son behind too. By then I had cut off all contact and even changed my number, though he would email me from time to time. He eventually got my number from a mutual friend and came on stronger than ever. A few months later he proposed and we moved in together. Wow, seeing it in print makes me feel like an even bigger ass. Lol, I just gotta laugh at myself at this point. The thing is I just love him and I know he loves me. I don't know if he just loves her more and will always be under her spell or if they just are still working out the kinks and I have had the unfortunately pleasure of getting caught up in the middle of it all. When you say you dealt with similar BS from your man and his BM what was going on. Was it the same working out the kinks type stuff or am I just oblivious to the fact that my BF wants his BM and just using me to not be alone while they work out the kinks?

[bluebird]

What do you mean by "Also, be advised that those temporary fixes are just a part of the plan to shield BM's feelings."?

[memyslfni]

By that I mean, These guys would much rather prefer to shield BM's feelings/Illusion that they will some day work out the kinks and get back together than to "rock the boat". Thus further adding strain to your relationship and putting your feelings/needs on the back burner. You want to know, what every woman who pursues a relationship with a man that has kids wants to know, Does HE still want his BM/EX?? And this is something he needs to show U, via his ACTIONS.

[memyslfni]

^{When you say you dealt with similar BS from your man and his BM what was going on.}

Well, BM has claimed and continues to claim that she still has feelings for my BF and that's fine and dandy BUT he IS with ME now. Lets just say he had a problem putting his foot down to her. His reason for it, was fear that she would go to CS as well as take her resentment for him, out on the kids. He doesn't have a squeaky clean record so the chances of him getting his kids was pretty slim. So he felt that he had no other choice but to cater to her requests to not bring his kids around me. She hates to hear about me, so to keep this fantasy going that I didn't exist...she insisted him not have me around his kids and so he granted her that for the most part. This, I felt was wrong in the aspect of him catering to her feelings, much less mine. We talk about getting married and such, but I prefer to get to know his children/vice versa, and most importantly know that he's gonna have my back especially where it concerns BM, before we take that step.

[denvergirl]

Just a reminder, Love doesn't Save. You can love someone in and out with all your heart and soul and in the end their addictions and actions speak for themselves. Dealing with a partner who has an addictive personality and a kid -in- tow can lead to you trying to save him for the kid. (and seeing how the BM is a deadbeat... sounds like a tough situation) Get what I mean? Stand up for yourself and do your thang! Believe in yourself and bring up yourself esteem. YOU CAN ONLY COUNT ON YOU!! No one deserves the BS he brings to you with the BMs' BS. The clearest sign you shoulda seen was the fact, she didn't want him or the kid. She just wanted to cause problems and he let her do so by using, "lets be a family again." EVERY relationship has its problems, but your relationship still has the third wheel attached... THE BM... skip out on this guy. I know the amount of time you have know him will play a strong factor in wanting to stay and work it out. But sweetheart, if his alcohol is causing you problems now and he isn't doing anything about it... its not going to get better with time.

[eyeswideopen]

You want brutal honesty, here it is.

Your man is a puZZy and you are being a fool.

What's with this "wanna be a family" BS!!?? Sometimes even marriages don't work out. Couples get divorced. This is no different than your man's situation. He can still successfully coparent his child with BM without actually physically beiing under the same roof as BM.

This is the second tiredest excuse in the book, right after, "I will always love her because she brought life for me into this world".

So d**n what!! You can love your child and not love the woman. It's not a package deal, even though most BMs think it is. A person is perfectly capable of loving one and not the other. BM and child are 2 seperate and unique individuals. So, you r telling me that if, hypothetically, he donated sperm to a perfect stranger, and she had his baby, he would just miraculously start loving the woman as soon as the baby pops out. See how ridiculous this sounds. Don't let this man piss on your shoes and tell you it is raining.

He is showing you by his actiions that he still loves his BM. He is just not man enough to break it off with you. Maybe you should be woman enough to end it for him sweetie, Hmm?

[eyeswideopen]

Please, please, please stop letting this man rent your body out like some cheap motel. Beating up your feelings, using up your body, running you into the ground.

Taking up residence in your heart til something better comes along or he decides to go with BM.

Then leaving you behind, all used up, beat up, neglected and worse for the wear. Hopefully not a BM too.

Demand respect. Get in his face and lay down some boundaries. If he is a man and cares about you, he will try to change. If he is just in it to hit it, then he will probably get angry and say how dare you come at him like that, or you have no right to make demands on his relatiionship with BM and child.

BS!! If you are going to be a longterm fixture in his life, then the decisions he makes and how he handles BM will affect you. And if he loves you, he will care how things affect you and will want to protect you from harm.

[jaylady999]

I agree with all of this!

[youknow]

I do believe it is a package deal but if being a part of the package will only cause drama.....screw being part of the package. It would be nice if BD's and BM's could get a long and successfully co parent but often this is NOT the case. So I say if the package part is causing a problem be woman or man enough to remove yourself from the deal. I could care less if I ever speak to or see my BD ever again in life. But I love my son he gave me. No reflections on my son EVER!!!!! It's not a package deal...hell in my sitch my son isn't even part of the deal. LMAO. I can laugh about this it does not bother me in the slightest or cause me any grief. He want's vistation from 4 hours away....LMAO. I'm content with my sitch it works well for me and who cares what anyone else thinks about it.

I will never impose my self or my child on anyone and anyone who does so is simply pathetic.