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Post by chibiprincess on Jun 29, 2010 18:43:34 GMT -5
so this is my first time actually dating an older man[he's 30 and im 23]that has two kids by two different woman. now i never in my life have dated a man with kids and it has been something i always tried avoiding but when i actually thought about it i felt like i was judging too much so i was like what the heck i might as well give it a try cause you never know what will happen and it might actually work. we've been seeing each other for a couple of months now and it seems like things are going really great. we both agreed on taking things slow,etc. but one of my concerns is the drama from his son's mom because he told me that she's always running guilt trips on him/doing all this other stuff and has been doing this for over a year and a half and i thought that was absolutely ridiculous and thought,"wow..this woman must be crazy.." so i told him my opinion about that situation cause he asked and i told him that if the texting/calling has nothing to do with his son then she shouldnt be doing it period just to run a guilt trip or to say something stupid and he agreed 100%. now i knew coming into this it would be alot different than dating a man with no kids. so i understood from the get go what i was getting myself into. we talked about this cause i told him that i was a little concerned about the drama and he was very understanding and told me i had nothing to worry about and that he will get that handle and he told me that coming into his life wouldnt be the easiest thing and i told him that i completely understood that from the beginning when i first started talking to him and that i was willing to work for this cause i really do like him so he as well understood where i was coming from. so my question is if things get serious between us which i have feeling it will because he's a great guy and i really do like him and he really likes me...how do i deal with this drama and not let it affect me? thanks
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Post by memy on Jun 29, 2010 19:29:19 GMT -5
What u can do to avoid the drama is RUN!!! J/K..haha I advise u to take ur time and view things from the outside in. Don't involve yourself to much emotionally with his issues until u know for sure this is what u want. Think with your mind and not your heart. If the situation starts to smell like Bullshyt, then it most likely is and that's when u run like HELL!!! If U don't have kids I would def run for the hills so as to not be held down by some bullshyt when u do become preggers. If he tries to hard to convince you that it's her and not him and is unwilling to back it up....RUNNNNN!!!! He's just trying to keep u handy during the times he and BM(s) are not getting along. As a stress reliever.....and believe me, there will be plenty of it..
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Post by eyeswideopen on Jun 30, 2010 18:48:19 GMT -5
My advise would be to sit have a heart to heart talk with him and let him know what you are and are not willing to put up with in the relationship. If you don't think you can deal with him running over to rescue BM every time she calls or constantly talking to her on the phone, in order to 'keep the peace', then let him know now. Then the ball will be in his court to do something about it. Next, sit back and observe his ACTIONS -- not what he says but what he DOES. If it is not to your satisfaction, then run like hell.
Because, sweetheart, if BM has been playing games and running guilt trips for over a year, and he hasn't done anything about it, then he most likely is okay with it. When men have a problem - like they don't want to be with a girl anymore- they solve it.
And please don't buy into the BS about staying in it for the child. That's bulls**t! He can file for visitation and child support, and the BM won't be able to override a court order. He doesn't have to put up with her garbage to be with his child.
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Post by chibiprincess on Jun 30, 2010 19:58:51 GMT -5
yeah he does see his kids but only on tues & wed every week. i havent really asked why he only see's them twice week cause i felt it was kind of a touchy subject.
i did talk about it in person with him cause when talked over the phone he also picked me up that night so we talked about it some more. i guess im just kind of confused as to why he let this go on for over a year and half. so i really dont know if he only puts up with it just so he can see his son...which is what i guessed but im not really sure. but from what he told me he said that she always plays the victim and guilt's anyone when things dont go her way and is very controlling.
he also was honest with me and told me that in some strange way she's still in love with him but he's not in love with her so knowing that i was kind of wondering if thats why she's doing that.
i was also honest with him and told him that i am very understanding but to a certain point and as long as none his ex's dont bother or try to start something with me then everything will be fine. he told me that i had nothing to worry about. i havent smelt any bullsh**t from him yet but he did tell me that he told her to leave him alone and he said things only got worse.
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Post by eyeswideopen on Jun 30, 2010 22:50:03 GMT -5
Please honey, you say you have been seeing him for a couple of months. Is that 2 or 3 months? Then it's time to start asking him some serious questions to see where you stand and if you are willing to invenst any more time in him.
1. Ask him how he feels about you and where he sees the relationship in a year, 2 years, etc.
2. Ask him what his long and short term goals are concerning how he will handle the BM, you, and his child: Look for answers like putting himself on child support, setting legal visitation, setting boundaries with BM like not calling unless it's an emergency about their child; Does he think you would make a good mother figure to his child, Has he brought you over to meet mom and the rest of the family yet?
3. Find out his views on relatiionships in general. Does he want a 2 parent home. Does he believe in marriage and monogamy? Does he want any more children in the future? Does he have a relatiionship with God (if you or him are Christian)?
These questions may seem random to you, but they have everything to do with how he will handle BM, whether he is serious about you, and if you should even waste your time with him. The BM is not your concern. You didn't sleep with her, you didn't have a child with her. It's a hard road trying to love and be with a man who has a BM. You need to start building a strong foundation now because trust me - BM will continuously try testing the strength of your relationship and bring it down. You and your man have to be on the same page.
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Post by memy on Jul 1, 2010 8:29:13 GMT -5
he also was honest with me and told me that in some strange way she's still in love with him but he's not in love with her so knowing that i was kind of wondering if thats why she's doing that.
Be aware that this could very well be an attempt at telling you what U wanna hear. So as EyesWide said, pay very close attention to his actions.
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Post by jaylady999 on Jul 1, 2010 11:21:03 GMT -5
Be aware that this could very well be an attempt at telling you what U wanna hear. So as EyesWide said, pay very close attention to his actions.
I agree with paying close attention to his actions, but I am not sure that I agree with boggling him down with a boatload of questions about relationships after only dating for 2 or 3 months. Its too soon for that kind of talk. I would actually just enjoy 'dating' him without putting a lot of thought into which way it could go. Dating a person is a lot of fun, but a lot of times(women especially) miss the fun part of it for trying to jump into a relationship too quickly without taking the time to get to know the person as a whole. If you look close enough, most of your questions will be answered without even asking them. Just my .02
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Post by eyeswideopen on Jul 1, 2010 15:03:16 GMT -5
I agree 100% Jay. But, i was just going on what she said. That things seemed to be getting serious.
I know how a lot of women are. They put stock in a man, thinkiing that it will lead to marriage, but the man is not on the same page. He may just want to enjoy the ride for what it's worth with no marriage in the future. But, correct me if i am wrong, she sounds like she is hoping for a longterm future with this man.
I was just advising that she tell the man up front what she wants, that way he knows what to expect and she knows what to expect, and everyone will be on the same page.
You know how some men will come right out and TELL the woman that he doesn't want kids, marriage, monogamy, etc. , but the woman refuses to LISTEN.
Well, I believe she should TELL him that she is not planning on being a casual fling and is hoping that the relationship will lead to something deeper. That's all.
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