Post by lamujermaravilla on Jul 25, 2010 7:52:38 GMT -5
Ok everyone...
SO had the "TALK" with BM a week and 1/2 ago. Since their "TALK", the children have been happier and SO seems happier.
I would like to believe that the talk went soooooo well that instead of planning two separate birthday parties for each child, BM and SO have decided to try it together this year.
BM informs SO that she'd like to have the party at Chuckie Cheese's this year, but she's "not sure" yet. and she will get back to him. We of course are going to keep our plans to have a barbecue just in case BM's plans fall through.
BM waits until the last possible day the deposit for a party of 32 people can be booked, SO tells her that I will put the deposit on my credit card. This of course leads me to wonder what else BM has/will left/leave until the last minute, so I tell SO to ask her a list of questions, deciding how many guests, Cake, decorations, how we're splitting the bill etc, etc.
SO was tired of going back and forth, so he asked BM if it was alright with her if he put me on the phone JUST to discuss the birthday party. She agreed.
BM and I talk just about the birthday party, but I couldn't help but notice how she made it a point to keep saying MY TWO kids, throughout the whole conversation.
After we hung up, SO cracks a joke about how sweet it is that the two of us finally got to talk about "our babies". But I could tell that he was relieved that there was no arguing.
SO sends BM a text later that states "I appreciate you being understanding of where I (SO) come from and I (SO) hope that we can all move forward. BM responds with a text that says "I do understand, however, its going to take me sometime to get used to your wife."
SO asks me "Isn't that great? Finally its a start, right?" to which I replied "What does she need to get used to?" "I will never be her BFFL, her BFF, or her BF or even her friend."
I just got so upset, because I don't believe that phony ass statement for a minute. First of all I'm not the one doing all of this crazy assed behavoir.
I didn't have any time to get "used to" his BM, his kids or even his DRAMA. I just dealt with it.
What she IS needing to get used to is not having anything to do. Because:
1) I've made it legally impossible for her to use his kids against him, as I helped out in the custody case so much so, that his lawyer made a joke infront of BM, next time, if you want to save money and want to win something, just bring your wife to court with you.
2) I've made it financially impossible for her to "guilt trip" SO into providing for her house.
3) I've made myself virtually invisible, because up until my surgery, I had been working two jobs.
So now that BM doesn't have a job, and has moved further away, the only thing she can do is twiddle her thumbs instead of being ALL UP IN what goes on at the Maravilla residence.
After having said all that, SO says that I'm being negative and am not helping the situation. FML!!! Okay, maybe just a little, but sometimes I get tired of being Suzy Stepmom while having to contend with all of BM's bs.
So I guess that I will have to start with the MAIN thing that IMO, broke the camel's back. And the reason for the "TALK".
I made mention in a prior post that BM has been putting things in the children's heads about me. My 6 yo SD never says anything because she's smart and avoids the drama by keeping her mouth closed about everything now... (see everyone learns!).
But as of late, my 3 yo SD has been coming to my house, making disparaging remarks like "I can't play with you LaLa, because you're too fat and I am too little" or "Mommy says don't talk to you, only to Daddy and (6yo SD)."
Mind you, BM and I maybe are two dress sizes apart.
I always inform SO of these statements, but all he says up until now is "Yeah, but my kids are smarter than their mother, they know who is there for them, and you should just ignore it, because you know 3yo SD and 6yo SD love u." Or the ever faithful, "I'mma talk to her, I don't think she's doing that."
So, even though it hurts to hear, I have to realize the source, even though I have not spoken more than 5 sentences to BM in a year.
Two weeks ago SO exercised his right to 1 of his 2 weeks vacation with skids. Same comments were made by 3 yo SD... but by the end of the week and a half really, because it was already his weekend + fourth of july + the one week of vacation, 3yo was back to hugging, kissing, and clinging to me. As is the normal with both children.
Kids were dropped off on Monday, but SO also receives weekday visits on Tuesday. However, he asked if he could switch to Wednesday because I had to have heart surgery and he wanted to be there. So Wednesday, imagine my surprise when I embrace 3yoSD, whom I've just spent 13 days with starts crying because I kissed her on her forehead. I asked her what's wrong? She says I can't kiss her because my MOUTH is CaCa. SO OVERHEARD this time, and asks 3yoSD who told her that? 3yoSD says "Mommy says Don't kiss LaLa!" (Like this is the sort of bull**** I should be dealing with when I just got home from having heart surgery).
So on the drop off SO asks BM if they could talk.
They sat at the park while the kids played on the jungle gym.
SO explained that they have been going through BM drama since oldest SD was 1 1/2 years old. SO stated that it needs to stop, because he's tired of it, and BM should be drained as well.
1st and foremost why are the kids saying stuff about LaLa. BM admitted that she often talks about me to her friends and that the kids "are sitting there listening sometimes". SO told BM, she should stop immediately because BM doesn't know anything about me, I didn't do anything to her in the 1st place and BM and I don't sleep together. SO told BM that I don't do anything but love and shower HER kids with affection, so she should feel happy that he ended up with someone like me, instead of someone like her.
2nd - LaLa is not going anywhere, and she is going to be a part of these girls lives until my kids say otherwise. She is not trying to be their mother, she's just doing her part as their stepmother. If you are feeling otherwise, thats just an insecurity that you need to fix within you. My wife don't have nothing to do with that.
3rd. Speaking of your insecurities as a mother, the reason why my eldest child loves spending time with LaLa besides the fact she's great, IS because of something you're not doing and I advise you to start doing. HUG my daughter, tell her that you love her! Spend time with her, even if you both watch a movie in silence.
BM started crying and said that she can't do it, because it had been too long. And SO said, if you can do it to 3yo why cant you do it to your first born? You're not working, and the kids are not in school, direct your energy towards these kids. Because I'm letting you know... as a parent to another parent, they are getting to the age where if a judge asks them where they want to live and they say "with my daddy, because my mommy doesn't love me, a court will listen to it." Both kids have birthdays before the year ends, (turning 4 & 7)>
That comment she didn't like, but miraculously, when the kids came over on Friday, 3yoSD runs up to me and says "Mommy says be nice to you and don't hurt your feelings, and becareful because your heart is broken (meaning my surgery) and no jumping and listen OK LaLa? And she hugged and kissed me.
and of course I cried... but I can't help but feeling SKEPTICAL that the other shoe is going to drop, especially with a statement like "I have to get used to your wife" As if i were the cause of the custody battles which began in 2006 and the lack of attention bestowed upon her children by her ownself, and the alienation and grief she's dealing with.
All of that went on for years... before I came along... and I'm a bit more than miffed that she is implying that it will all be solved (if she can just get used to me.
Questions? Comments? Concerns?
SO had the "TALK" with BM a week and 1/2 ago. Since their "TALK", the children have been happier and SO seems happier.
I would like to believe that the talk went soooooo well that instead of planning two separate birthday parties for each child, BM and SO have decided to try it together this year.
BM informs SO that she'd like to have the party at Chuckie Cheese's this year, but she's "not sure" yet. and she will get back to him. We of course are going to keep our plans to have a barbecue just in case BM's plans fall through.
BM waits until the last possible day the deposit for a party of 32 people can be booked, SO tells her that I will put the deposit on my credit card. This of course leads me to wonder what else BM has/will left/leave until the last minute, so I tell SO to ask her a list of questions, deciding how many guests, Cake, decorations, how we're splitting the bill etc, etc.
SO was tired of going back and forth, so he asked BM if it was alright with her if he put me on the phone JUST to discuss the birthday party. She agreed.
BM and I talk just about the birthday party, but I couldn't help but notice how she made it a point to keep saying MY TWO kids, throughout the whole conversation.
After we hung up, SO cracks a joke about how sweet it is that the two of us finally got to talk about "our babies". But I could tell that he was relieved that there was no arguing.
SO sends BM a text later that states "I appreciate you being understanding of where I (SO) come from and I (SO) hope that we can all move forward. BM responds with a text that says "I do understand, however, its going to take me sometime to get used to your wife."
SO asks me "Isn't that great? Finally its a start, right?" to which I replied "What does she need to get used to?" "I will never be her BFFL, her BFF, or her BF or even her friend."
I just got so upset, because I don't believe that phony ass statement for a minute. First of all I'm not the one doing all of this crazy assed behavoir.
I didn't have any time to get "used to" his BM, his kids or even his DRAMA. I just dealt with it.
What she IS needing to get used to is not having anything to do. Because:
1) I've made it legally impossible for her to use his kids against him, as I helped out in the custody case so much so, that his lawyer made a joke infront of BM, next time, if you want to save money and want to win something, just bring your wife to court with you.
2) I've made it financially impossible for her to "guilt trip" SO into providing for her house.
3) I've made myself virtually invisible, because up until my surgery, I had been working two jobs.
So now that BM doesn't have a job, and has moved further away, the only thing she can do is twiddle her thumbs instead of being ALL UP IN what goes on at the Maravilla residence.
After having said all that, SO says that I'm being negative and am not helping the situation. FML!!! Okay, maybe just a little, but sometimes I get tired of being Suzy Stepmom while having to contend with all of BM's bs.
So I guess that I will have to start with the MAIN thing that IMO, broke the camel's back. And the reason for the "TALK".
I made mention in a prior post that BM has been putting things in the children's heads about me. My 6 yo SD never says anything because she's smart and avoids the drama by keeping her mouth closed about everything now... (see everyone learns!).
But as of late, my 3 yo SD has been coming to my house, making disparaging remarks like "I can't play with you LaLa, because you're too fat and I am too little" or "Mommy says don't talk to you, only to Daddy and (6yo SD)."
Mind you, BM and I maybe are two dress sizes apart.
I always inform SO of these statements, but all he says up until now is "Yeah, but my kids are smarter than their mother, they know who is there for them, and you should just ignore it, because you know 3yo SD and 6yo SD love u." Or the ever faithful, "I'mma talk to her, I don't think she's doing that."
So, even though it hurts to hear, I have to realize the source, even though I have not spoken more than 5 sentences to BM in a year.
Two weeks ago SO exercised his right to 1 of his 2 weeks vacation with skids. Same comments were made by 3 yo SD... but by the end of the week and a half really, because it was already his weekend + fourth of july + the one week of vacation, 3yo was back to hugging, kissing, and clinging to me. As is the normal with both children.
Kids were dropped off on Monday, but SO also receives weekday visits on Tuesday. However, he asked if he could switch to Wednesday because I had to have heart surgery and he wanted to be there. So Wednesday, imagine my surprise when I embrace 3yoSD, whom I've just spent 13 days with starts crying because I kissed her on her forehead. I asked her what's wrong? She says I can't kiss her because my MOUTH is CaCa. SO OVERHEARD this time, and asks 3yoSD who told her that? 3yoSD says "Mommy says Don't kiss LaLa!" (Like this is the sort of bull**** I should be dealing with when I just got home from having heart surgery).
So on the drop off SO asks BM if they could talk.
They sat at the park while the kids played on the jungle gym.
SO explained that they have been going through BM drama since oldest SD was 1 1/2 years old. SO stated that it needs to stop, because he's tired of it, and BM should be drained as well.
1st and foremost why are the kids saying stuff about LaLa. BM admitted that she often talks about me to her friends and that the kids "are sitting there listening sometimes". SO told BM, she should stop immediately because BM doesn't know anything about me, I didn't do anything to her in the 1st place and BM and I don't sleep together. SO told BM that I don't do anything but love and shower HER kids with affection, so she should feel happy that he ended up with someone like me, instead of someone like her.
2nd - LaLa is not going anywhere, and she is going to be a part of these girls lives until my kids say otherwise. She is not trying to be their mother, she's just doing her part as their stepmother. If you are feeling otherwise, thats just an insecurity that you need to fix within you. My wife don't have nothing to do with that.
3rd. Speaking of your insecurities as a mother, the reason why my eldest child loves spending time with LaLa besides the fact she's great, IS because of something you're not doing and I advise you to start doing. HUG my daughter, tell her that you love her! Spend time with her, even if you both watch a movie in silence.
BM started crying and said that she can't do it, because it had been too long. And SO said, if you can do it to 3yo why cant you do it to your first born? You're not working, and the kids are not in school, direct your energy towards these kids. Because I'm letting you know... as a parent to another parent, they are getting to the age where if a judge asks them where they want to live and they say "with my daddy, because my mommy doesn't love me, a court will listen to it." Both kids have birthdays before the year ends, (turning 4 & 7)>
That comment she didn't like, but miraculously, when the kids came over on Friday, 3yoSD runs up to me and says "Mommy says be nice to you and don't hurt your feelings, and becareful because your heart is broken (meaning my surgery) and no jumping and listen OK LaLa? And she hugged and kissed me.
and of course I cried... but I can't help but feeling SKEPTICAL that the other shoe is going to drop, especially with a statement like "I have to get used to your wife" As if i were the cause of the custody battles which began in 2006 and the lack of attention bestowed upon her children by her ownself, and the alienation and grief she's dealing with.
All of that went on for years... before I came along... and I'm a bit more than miffed that she is implying that it will all be solved (if she can just get used to me.
Questions? Comments? Concerns?