Post by De on Jan 6, 2011 17:25:29 GMT -5
Some background first -
My BF and I have been together for over 2 years. We both have our own child, he has 4 YO daughter, and I have a 5 YO son. We've known eachother for almost 8 years, and knew eachother with our ex's, and were at one point all friends. He was in a very bad relationship w/ his ex and I was in a very bad relationship w/ my ex. We both separated/divorced, and ended up coming together and falling in love after those relationships.
My son's father is not in the picture, until recently, and he is only having supervised visits with my son. So he's not a problem right now, I know we will have to deal with him eventually and it won't be pretty.
BM found out about me from their daughter about a year ago. It was my son's bday party and their daughter kept talking about him, BM put 2 and 2 together and refused to let my BF have her for the bday party. She sent me nasty emails, accusing me of a bunch of things, I diffused the situation and she left me alone from there. They then proceeded to spend holidays together, do a joint bday party for their daughters 3rd bday, BM opened Xmas presents at my BF's family's house, etc. I explained to him then (and it was a fight) that you spend holidays with people that you care about, not people who have tried to ruin your life (he bought them a house, she left him hi and dry and he was showering with bottled water b/c he couldn't pay the water bill, almost had his house foreclosed, had bought BM a car, etc when he found out she was pregnant...she has tried to take their daughter away, after she found out about me, she told him that she thought they were going to get back together - after she had been living with a GIRL, yes she switched teams, for over a year). She's talked crap about me to my BF's family, she's there often b/c their daughter is watched by my BF;s mom. She's called me a B@#$@! in front of my son. But, my BF always wants me to be the bigger person and let by gones be by gones. I have a hard time with that. We've fought a lot about her. I've had to make some rules for myself b/c she drives me insane. I would try and bring up concerns about her parenting, and that she's not having the daughters best interest at heart a lot of the time. I can't bring up her parenting any longer b/c he feels that I'm trying to bash BM.
Anyways, I want to see how GF/Wife's handle another child. What are the boundaries. I love and care for this little girl so much, I shower her, do her hair, she talks to me about things she won't with her daddy, I care for the little girl! But when other things come up, he tells me I'm not her mom and those decisions are up to BM. I GET THAT. But is it too much to want him to run things by me? I DO have an older child, and have gone through a bunch of things that he and BM are just getting too w/ their child. I.E. over the summer I brought up to my BF that his daughter is smart and needs to get into preschool. Nothing. Now all of a sudden, BM says that the doc says she needs to go to preschool. He jumps. Is it too much to acknowledge that I brought that up already and that it was a good idea, but that he didn't have the money to do it? What happens when he and I have kids? Can I discipline mine and ours, but not his?
I also wonder if other people have the problem of that he can't seem to separate the 2 in his mind. He always thinks I have a problem with his daughter, because he brings things up and it turns into a fight. I try to explain that he's bring up BM crap and if it doesn't have to do with the daughter, I don't want to hear it!!!! That's where the problem is! I don't care what her newest excuse is for blowing up on him, it's always something - the newest is that she has cancer and I think I have pretty good reason to be skeptical when I heard that same excuse 2 months ago. If she has cancer, why is she not in treatment? My dad had cancer and I know what you go through with it! I'm not dumb. But he believes her excuses and tries to understand so that he can be understanding and help their daughter through the issues. I am trying to get him to understand that I love one of these people (daughter) and absolutely cannot stand the other one (BM). That they are 2 different people.
I know a lot of the problem is ME. I know I need to let things go, but its SO hard. How have you handled these things?
I just want thoughts, opinions, etc.
My BF and I have been together for over 2 years. We both have our own child, he has 4 YO daughter, and I have a 5 YO son. We've known eachother for almost 8 years, and knew eachother with our ex's, and were at one point all friends. He was in a very bad relationship w/ his ex and I was in a very bad relationship w/ my ex. We both separated/divorced, and ended up coming together and falling in love after those relationships.
My son's father is not in the picture, until recently, and he is only having supervised visits with my son. So he's not a problem right now, I know we will have to deal with him eventually and it won't be pretty.
BM found out about me from their daughter about a year ago. It was my son's bday party and their daughter kept talking about him, BM put 2 and 2 together and refused to let my BF have her for the bday party. She sent me nasty emails, accusing me of a bunch of things, I diffused the situation and she left me alone from there. They then proceeded to spend holidays together, do a joint bday party for their daughters 3rd bday, BM opened Xmas presents at my BF's family's house, etc. I explained to him then (and it was a fight) that you spend holidays with people that you care about, not people who have tried to ruin your life (he bought them a house, she left him hi and dry and he was showering with bottled water b/c he couldn't pay the water bill, almost had his house foreclosed, had bought BM a car, etc when he found out she was pregnant...she has tried to take their daughter away, after she found out about me, she told him that she thought they were going to get back together - after she had been living with a GIRL, yes she switched teams, for over a year). She's talked crap about me to my BF's family, she's there often b/c their daughter is watched by my BF;s mom. She's called me a B@#$@! in front of my son. But, my BF always wants me to be the bigger person and let by gones be by gones. I have a hard time with that. We've fought a lot about her. I've had to make some rules for myself b/c she drives me insane. I would try and bring up concerns about her parenting, and that she's not having the daughters best interest at heart a lot of the time. I can't bring up her parenting any longer b/c he feels that I'm trying to bash BM.
Anyways, I want to see how GF/Wife's handle another child. What are the boundaries. I love and care for this little girl so much, I shower her, do her hair, she talks to me about things she won't with her daddy, I care for the little girl! But when other things come up, he tells me I'm not her mom and those decisions are up to BM. I GET THAT. But is it too much to want him to run things by me? I DO have an older child, and have gone through a bunch of things that he and BM are just getting too w/ their child. I.E. over the summer I brought up to my BF that his daughter is smart and needs to get into preschool. Nothing. Now all of a sudden, BM says that the doc says she needs to go to preschool. He jumps. Is it too much to acknowledge that I brought that up already and that it was a good idea, but that he didn't have the money to do it? What happens when he and I have kids? Can I discipline mine and ours, but not his?
I also wonder if other people have the problem of that he can't seem to separate the 2 in his mind. He always thinks I have a problem with his daughter, because he brings things up and it turns into a fight. I try to explain that he's bring up BM crap and if it doesn't have to do with the daughter, I don't want to hear it!!!! That's where the problem is! I don't care what her newest excuse is for blowing up on him, it's always something - the newest is that she has cancer and I think I have pretty good reason to be skeptical when I heard that same excuse 2 months ago. If she has cancer, why is she not in treatment? My dad had cancer and I know what you go through with it! I'm not dumb. But he believes her excuses and tries to understand so that he can be understanding and help their daughter through the issues. I am trying to get him to understand that I love one of these people (daughter) and absolutely cannot stand the other one (BM). That they are 2 different people.
I know a lot of the problem is ME. I know I need to let things go, but its SO hard. How have you handled these things?
I just want thoughts, opinions, etc.
