Post by tavia96 on Jan 10, 2011 20:19:33 GMT -5
I will try to make a long story short, but I REALLY need some advice here. I am sick and tired of holding my tongue. I've brought it up a couple of times with him, but he keeps doing the same thing.
I met the man I am with in 2009. The chemistry was fantastic from the beginning. We never made a serious commitment to one another the time, but WE DID agree that we would NOT sleep with anyone but each other until we decided if things were going to work. Mind you, I agreed to this because he said, he wanted to take his time with me.
About 5 months into it, I find out that he was having a baby with another woman. We broke up and it took me about 5 months to begin to live again. See, I loved this man like I never loved ever.
Around December of 2009, he started talking to me through IM. This was right after I began to let go and was happy again and started thinking about getting back with an ex from about 20 years ago.
He started talking about coming to see me and the first couple of times, he stood me up. The third time he did come by and he never left. We have been living together for a year now and things have been great. We have had our up and downs like any other couple, but we have had more ups than downs.
Here is the problem. The BM didn't bother us too much in the beginning. In-fact, she was awful toward him when it came to the baby. They agreed that he would be there for the birth of the baby and the baby would have his last name. Well, she went into labor and had a c-section and she never called him. Instead, her GF was there for the birth and then she wouldn't let him see the baby and when he tried to see her, he was thrown out and had to go to court and caught a charge for that!
He applied for joint custody and everything went well. However, he didn't follow through with specifying everything and just left everything up in the air.
Now, this is a man that I considered cheated on me, had a baby and still I welcomed that baby AND his son from another woman into my home. I helped take care of his daughter and his son. I even bought his daughter a crib, car seat and other misc. things because he could not afford it, and I didn't want his BM to think he was a no good dad.
He's 29 and I am 48. The BM is 25. Now she's doing things like calling him at the last minute to watch her. At first, it was OK because he wasn't working a steady job and I was a stay at home mom. Now we both have jobs and she acts like neither one of us have other responsibilities. The worst part about it, is that he lets her do it!
I commend him for being there for his children in any way he can, but it's beginning to interfere with OUR household. He doesn't pay the majority of the bills, I DO. He gives her money out of each check and he watches their daughter when he's off.
She called over a week ago and said that her family won't watch their daughter anymore. I don't have a problem with him watching her on his days off or even when I am free, but he doesn't discuss ANY of that with me. He just assumes that I am going to watch her for him and I am sick of it. I have four children at home already. I work part time, I do all the cooking, the cleaning and paying the majority of the bills, so excuse me if I don't feel like watching a toddler Mon-Fri while the BM has free time to work and play.
Here's an example. The first time she did that, he had been gone for two weeks working out of town. This was our first time being separated for that long and we had plans when he got back. She calls and says she needed him to keep her because she wanted to go to Kings Dominion with her friends and he said yes. I was pissed, but held my tongue. He did it another time as well.
This last time was NY Eve. He had to work so I wasn't planning on doing anything special because he had to be picked up at midnight. While he was at work, my neighbor and I decided we were going to go across the street for a couple drinks. Grant it, he had told me earlier that the BM was picking the baby up. Well, he calls and says that the BM is bringing some extra clothes over, because he was going to keep her for the night so the BM could go out. WTF? I am livid at this point. AGAIN, no respect for ME. I think he may have detected the aggravation at this point and called me back and said sorry, he wasn't thinking.
It didn't stop there. JUST TODAY, it happened again! The BM called last night asking if she could bring the baby over. Instead of him asking me what I had planned after work, KNOWING he had to work at 2, he just says, bring her over. He had to work at 2, I got off at 2, but I also told him (before she called) that I am going to pick up the car after work if it was ready and I needed to go to the DMV to get the decals for the car. When I asked him how it thought that was gonna work, he just said AGAIN, I wasn't thinking.
Well, I stayed at work till 3. I called while on break to check on him because the baby was sick and he said his nephew was coming to the house to watch her until I got home. But get this, he tells his nephew I will be home by 330. Huh? who does that? First of all, I worked till 3, then I was going to get the car and then to the DMV, so how in the hell was I going to be there by 330? I just told him to tell his nephew I would be there by 330.
Turns out that the nephew never showed and he was late for work. My point is, how is the BM getting to work more important than where he lays his head? If he's giving her money twice a month, why isn't the baby in daycare like NORMAL people? Why is my job or his job less important?
He always uses the excuse that he's going to be there for his daughter, but it's not always about his daughter. He seems to be there for the BM more than he is for me. I don't buy that crap that it's about his daughter because it's different with his son. He treats his sons mother like crap. He cusses her out all the time and says how much he can't stand her. I understand they are two different people, but if it's truly about the "KIDS", then both situations should be treated the same, and it's not.
If I plan something that requires him to watch MY children, I ALWAYS consult with him first. I never OBLIGATE him to watch my children but I don't get the same respect.
I am at my wits ends with him, her and this whole thing. I love him so much, but I am not willing to deal with this crap anymore if he's not willing to make some changes. Being there for his children is one thing, but sacrificing the relationship you are currently in is another.
I've always said that I think he loves her and would rather be with her than me, but he always comes back with, I'm here aren't I? and I am not going to be where I don't want to be. OK, that's all well and good, but a person can be anywhere in the physical, but not mentally and not whole-heartedly.
Am I being selfish and reading too much into things? Is my intuition serving me right? Am I the only one that is going through something like this?
I just don't know what to do at this point. I don't want us to end, but I just can't take it anymore because I don't see a change despite the fact that I have expressed how I felt about this twice already.
Someone please help me out here.
I met the man I am with in 2009. The chemistry was fantastic from the beginning. We never made a serious commitment to one another the time, but WE DID agree that we would NOT sleep with anyone but each other until we decided if things were going to work. Mind you, I agreed to this because he said, he wanted to take his time with me.
About 5 months into it, I find out that he was having a baby with another woman. We broke up and it took me about 5 months to begin to live again. See, I loved this man like I never loved ever.
Around December of 2009, he started talking to me through IM. This was right after I began to let go and was happy again and started thinking about getting back with an ex from about 20 years ago.
He started talking about coming to see me and the first couple of times, he stood me up. The third time he did come by and he never left. We have been living together for a year now and things have been great. We have had our up and downs like any other couple, but we have had more ups than downs.
Here is the problem. The BM didn't bother us too much in the beginning. In-fact, she was awful toward him when it came to the baby. They agreed that he would be there for the birth of the baby and the baby would have his last name. Well, she went into labor and had a c-section and she never called him. Instead, her GF was there for the birth and then she wouldn't let him see the baby and when he tried to see her, he was thrown out and had to go to court and caught a charge for that!
He applied for joint custody and everything went well. However, he didn't follow through with specifying everything and just left everything up in the air.
Now, this is a man that I considered cheated on me, had a baby and still I welcomed that baby AND his son from another woman into my home. I helped take care of his daughter and his son. I even bought his daughter a crib, car seat and other misc. things because he could not afford it, and I didn't want his BM to think he was a no good dad.
He's 29 and I am 48. The BM is 25. Now she's doing things like calling him at the last minute to watch her. At first, it was OK because he wasn't working a steady job and I was a stay at home mom. Now we both have jobs and she acts like neither one of us have other responsibilities. The worst part about it, is that he lets her do it!
I commend him for being there for his children in any way he can, but it's beginning to interfere with OUR household. He doesn't pay the majority of the bills, I DO. He gives her money out of each check and he watches their daughter when he's off.
She called over a week ago and said that her family won't watch their daughter anymore. I don't have a problem with him watching her on his days off or even when I am free, but he doesn't discuss ANY of that with me. He just assumes that I am going to watch her for him and I am sick of it. I have four children at home already. I work part time, I do all the cooking, the cleaning and paying the majority of the bills, so excuse me if I don't feel like watching a toddler Mon-Fri while the BM has free time to work and play.
Here's an example. The first time she did that, he had been gone for two weeks working out of town. This was our first time being separated for that long and we had plans when he got back. She calls and says she needed him to keep her because she wanted to go to Kings Dominion with her friends and he said yes. I was pissed, but held my tongue. He did it another time as well.
This last time was NY Eve. He had to work so I wasn't planning on doing anything special because he had to be picked up at midnight. While he was at work, my neighbor and I decided we were going to go across the street for a couple drinks. Grant it, he had told me earlier that the BM was picking the baby up. Well, he calls and says that the BM is bringing some extra clothes over, because he was going to keep her for the night so the BM could go out. WTF? I am livid at this point. AGAIN, no respect for ME. I think he may have detected the aggravation at this point and called me back and said sorry, he wasn't thinking.
It didn't stop there. JUST TODAY, it happened again! The BM called last night asking if she could bring the baby over. Instead of him asking me what I had planned after work, KNOWING he had to work at 2, he just says, bring her over. He had to work at 2, I got off at 2, but I also told him (before she called) that I am going to pick up the car after work if it was ready and I needed to go to the DMV to get the decals for the car. When I asked him how it thought that was gonna work, he just said AGAIN, I wasn't thinking.
Well, I stayed at work till 3. I called while on break to check on him because the baby was sick and he said his nephew was coming to the house to watch her until I got home. But get this, he tells his nephew I will be home by 330. Huh? who does that? First of all, I worked till 3, then I was going to get the car and then to the DMV, so how in the hell was I going to be there by 330? I just told him to tell his nephew I would be there by 330.
Turns out that the nephew never showed and he was late for work. My point is, how is the BM getting to work more important than where he lays his head? If he's giving her money twice a month, why isn't the baby in daycare like NORMAL people? Why is my job or his job less important?
He always uses the excuse that he's going to be there for his daughter, but it's not always about his daughter. He seems to be there for the BM more than he is for me. I don't buy that crap that it's about his daughter because it's different with his son. He treats his sons mother like crap. He cusses her out all the time and says how much he can't stand her. I understand they are two different people, but if it's truly about the "KIDS", then both situations should be treated the same, and it's not.
If I plan something that requires him to watch MY children, I ALWAYS consult with him first. I never OBLIGATE him to watch my children but I don't get the same respect.
I am at my wits ends with him, her and this whole thing. I love him so much, but I am not willing to deal with this crap anymore if he's not willing to make some changes. Being there for his children is one thing, but sacrificing the relationship you are currently in is another.
I've always said that I think he loves her and would rather be with her than me, but he always comes back with, I'm here aren't I? and I am not going to be where I don't want to be. OK, that's all well and good, but a person can be anywhere in the physical, but not mentally and not whole-heartedly.
Am I being selfish and reading too much into things? Is my intuition serving me right? Am I the only one that is going through something like this?
I just don't know what to do at this point. I don't want us to end, but I just can't take it anymore because I don't see a change despite the fact that I have expressed how I felt about this twice already.
Someone please help me out here.