What Am I Doing Wrong?

[TooYoungForThis]

Back again, surprise, surprise.

Last week, BM surprised the hell out of my SO and I when she asked him to start taking their baby 3 days a week. At the end of their discussion, she told him (like any good mom,) that she wanted to meet me before I met the baby. I COMPLETELY understand this. I have no issues with it, and considering the fact that life has been pretty quiet lately, thought that we were maybe moving on. It was a big, positive step forward. I was excited. My SO was ecstatic. We talked to our roommates about new changes coming to the house, and the fact that one of them (a friend of Mom's) was going to have to switch rooms to accommodate the baby. They agreed; we made plans to move their stuff. We went out and got all the necessary (and probably more) baby-proofing things for the house. I've been cleaning like a madwoman for the last week, considering the fact that we were only given about 7 days' notice to prepare. We went out and got toys, baby plates, food, etc. And yesterday, my SO met with BM one last time to hash out all the final details.

When he returned, I asked him if she still wanted to meet me before he got the baby in 3 days. He confirmed. I asked when would be best for her, considering the fact that working a time out around HER schedule would probably be a good gesture. He told me he didn't know. So I emailed her, since that's the way of con tact she's used with me in the past.

When the SO came home, he asked me what I emailed her about, because, apparently, as soon as she received my message, she flipped a nuts, called him, and did a complete 180, saying that she didn't want to meet me yet, that I should ONLY ever contact her THROUGH him (which goes in COMPLETE disagreement of what she and I discussed the last time SHE emailed ME), and that she was under the impression that my SO would banish me from the house when the baby was there for as long as it took her to become comfortable with the thought of meeting me.

This is not a new relationship. SO and I have been together for nearly 4 months. BM was the one who left HIM. She professed to me that she does NOT want him back. Both SO and I had gotten out of relationships not soon before he asked me on our first date-- his with BM ended about 2 or 3 months before, mine 3 WEEKS. The entire time we've been together, BM has acted as if he cheated on her with me, and has gone totally out of her way to make me feel as if I'm the "other woman" directly responsible for ending their relationship, which is so twisted and untrue considering the fact I didn't even KNOW SO then it's not even remotely funny.

My SO told me that we're just going to have to wait this one out and wait for BM to become comfortable with the idea of meeting me, but, in the meantime, WHAT THE HELL does she expect him to do, throw me out of the house we live in together when the baby's here? For the SO to go somewhere else and stay there? My SO and I are close; we DON'T like spending nights away from each other, and yet, I'm starting to get the feeling that that's what BM is aiming for.

Unfortunately (and I don't mean that ironically), BM is going through some rough personal life-related things right now, and my SO is inclined to want to help her out and take the baby. I don't know how to go about expressing to either her-- or him, for that matter-- that the idea of me being comfortable with living with and helping with her child is NOT something I take lightly AT ALL. I just happen to love the father of her child enough to be willing to live with, help take care of, and possibly come to love HER flesh and blood, despite all of this bullnuts. I want my SO to have more time with his baby. I want his baby to have more time with Dad. I was excited to finally meet my SO's child. I want BM to be able to relax so that her issues don't become MY issues, and if my SO taking the baby will help that, then so be it-- but I'm part of the package, too. If I am willing to do that, is it really that big of a deal to just MEET ME after she says she wants to, or am I expecting too much? It's not just me her foot-dragging and split-second mind-changing is effecting anymore-- it's now also my SO, our roommates, and his and BM's families. And that's unfair to all of them, and needs to stop.

Thanks for any help or advice; this is eating away more at me than I like.

[bluejay]

I am in a similar situation. Except I have been in a relationship for 12 years and married for 2. Four years ago, his BM didn't want me to be around either when he had the baby. She even went so far as to only want him to go over to her apartment to see the baby. Of course, she was still in love with my husband at the time. I'm not sure if this is the case in your situation.

I have learned from experience this is not your fight. Your man will have to handle BM himself. BM in my case told my husband that her and the baby were a package deal. Well, he told her that he and I were a package deal too. So the sooner she got used to it the better. My point is, if your man loves you enough, he will take BM to court for visitation, put his foot down and let BM know your are here to stay. Unless he isn't really that serious about you and doesn't see marriage in the future. You did say he has only know you for about 4 months. Ask yourself this. If you were the BM, would you be comfortable with some woman the BD has know for only a few months playing house with your newborn?

[lark]

bm is being an overprotective mother, especially because you have only been in the picture for 4 months. I say, in this case, what the bm doesn't know won't hurt her. your bf is the father. if he trusts you enough to bring his child around you, then so be it. I just wouldn't flaunt it in bms face or anything. you will learn pretty quickly to choose your battles wisely, and this is one battle you can opt out of.

[thenewlywed]

I understand how you feel but at four months now is the time where if you plan to be around for the long haul you and your SO need to set boundaries with the baby mama. Dont push too soon. She is right about 1 thing dont contact her. Understand that you are in a relationship with her Ex not her you owe nothing. NOt even the PRIVELEDGE of her meeting you. You are not dating her, besides if she meets you and decides she doesnt like what is going to happen..... is your SO going to leave you, I think not. so there isnt a point in trying to meet her as if you need her approval. He is the father and if she does not trust that he is wise enough to know who and who not to have around his child then she should not have had a child with him, she will never know all the people in his life and its none of her business. She should only start being worried if the father is putting the child in danger. Trust me I know what Im talking about give her an inch she will try to take a mile. Also never feel like you have to hide anything from anyone if he is okay with you being around and you all live together then that is pill she will just have to swallow. Its not her choice on whether or not he sees the child or even where he lives or who he lives with as long at it is a safe environment for the child. You have given her too much already slow down im speaking from experience next thing you know she will be moving in and trying to share the bed with you and SO and that is not where you want it to go maintain the control of your half the relationship with SO you owe BM nothing.

[lark]

Sorry if I was misunderstood. I was not implying that tooyoung should hide from the BM, but not too purposely flaunt herself around the BM in order to start a confrontation. Newlywed is right. BM can't pick and choose who your SO brings into the child's life. I'm sure she doesn't screen all of her relationships through him. Just know, that if you plan on being there in the long haul, it will be a battle.