I need serious advice from my seasoned women

[touchofJas]

I feel like after almost three years with my SO I am not wrong for expecting more from him. When we first started dating I understood that I would have to be patient in the way he dealt with his BM because he had been in a relationship with her for a while and after they broke even though it had been a few years he hadnt been in a serious relationship since her. I understood that this would take time because he wasnt quite sure of how to handle certain situations because he had never done it before. I honestly niether had I. This would be the first time I ever dated a man with a child. It took time, tears, some yelling, screeming, him confronting her, her trying to confront me,all kind of things at i will admit it is way different now. BUT, 3 years later I still find myself telling him to consider me, 3 years later we are still having conversations about why she calls so much, 3 years later i am still telling him to open and honest about that entire situation. I dont think he is cheating that is not it at all. But she still does things like show up at places where he may be( like his job) and tryto put on a show, but he wont tell me. His reasoning I know it would make you upset, or try to delete his call log and the reason being because i know he hate seeing her number on caller ID or my cell phone log ..... my thing is just be honest and willing tho answer what ever I ask I have right to know whats going on in your life and considering that we get married soon we dont need secrets especailly not stupid BMD secrect..... what do you think what should I Do?
jasmine

[Seasonedwoman]

Women like the BM can hold on for years believing that the BD will eventually see the light. I know because I deal with one who has been holding on for over 15 years. She still thinks that our marriage is still a sham and he will eventually come back to her.

Early in our marriage, she used to stop by his job too. It used to annoy me to no end. She was at his job like she worked there too. It was ridiculous. She used to claim she was bringing their DD to see him. I complained, complained, and complained some more but you know what? I coudn't do anything about it. It was up to him. He told her that she couldn't keep coming up to his job. She came anyway. He couldn't stop her from coming to his job because he worked in a public place at the time (security officer at a mall), but he could handle her response when she showed up. He started being too busy to speak to her. If she was coming towards him, he went the other way.

Eventually, he found another job and didn't tell BM where he worked. To this day, she still doesn't know where he works. She can't stop by this job anyway even if she knew.

But my point is that your BD has to be the one to set and keep the boundaries. If he can't set the boundaries with the BM or is unwilling to, then I would reconsider my relationship with him. I certainly wouldn't consider marriage to him. It is hard to be with a person who has kids but when that person allows the OP to set the tone and control their life, it becomes even more stressful. Just remember that stress can take years off your life. You need to decide if all the grief you feel is worth it because as long as your BF allows his BM to control his life, she will be controlling yours too if you decide to stay with him. Good luck sweetie. It sounds like you're going to need it.

[lark]

Seasonedwoman is right. Marriage is all about mutual respect and compromise. Your SO needs to set boundaries and let BM know through his actions what is acceptable and what is not. He needs to also understand in no uncertain terms that "when wifey isn't happy" no one is happy in the house. Does your SO want to placate the BM, who he doesn't have to see every day or live a stressful life in his own home with a wife he does have to see every day. The answer should be a no brainer and he should act accordingly.

[lark]

Also, I've learned from experience, that men will try to avoid confrontation with women and tears at all costs. It's sounds like he deletes call logs and stuff because you probably make a big deal out of it. Next time, when he discloses something or you see the BM has been calling and texting out of control, don't blow up or get upset over it. File it away for later use and calmly discuss things with him. Watch to see if he takes what you are saying seriously and tries to change. He will get comfortable and stop trying to hide everything from you for fear of an argument.

[Over 40 and going through]

I am not so sure... don't you think it depends upon the man?