Graduation this Saturday- need advice!

[stepprobs]

Let me start again. I lost my last message

Longggggg story short. Ive been married since last October. My husband has 2 kids wit BM and one not his but he claims: also hers. Some background info: he insists that he never loved her, cant stand her voice or sight of her. He says she was just easy sex from the beginning and it wad not easy for him to get sex. So 18 yrs later and3 kids later he finds me, the one he married.

From the get go he would avoid talkin to her in front of me and avoid us meeting. She would always call for any and everything all hours every day. When I mentioned it bothering me he would get mad at me,
even tho he claimed he could not stand her calling so
much. She would call for help with things that had nothing to do with him and his kids. Apparently he has always been there as her go to man. But again he claims not to love or care for her. Finally after 8 mths of this crap I called her confronting her about her calling my husband when shes driving around lost and wanted his help for directions. I told her that hes married now and show some respect. I waited trying to give him the chance to confront her with these issues. So my phone call caused her to start this screaming session as she proceeded to tell me she was there first, why dont i get a job and stop living off a man with 3 kids (my husband insisted I quit my job to ride with him on his truck which he and I both love) she told me Im just mad cuz she can give him babies and I cant.. (dont know how she found out such personal and sensitive info about me) Then she hung up and called back to leave a voicemail for me sayin I need to watch my back. My husband never asked me what things she said. He could clearly see I was badly shaken up. I felt cornered. Here I was in the truck miles from home, I let their 17 yr old use my car while we are on the road, and so thoughts of the BM now doing something to my car consumed me. BM then sent a text to my husband and I quote : "Yo son, if you and your dry ass wife wanna go to war get ready for boom boom". Now maybe its just me but this woman sounds very unstable and immature to be 35 yrs old with 3 kids. Again he does not confront her about any of this.

Finally 10 maths after being with my husband I meet her. We were pickin up 2 of the kids at the baby sitters who was having an Easter party outside when we pulled up. So he says "u want to meet her now?" I say sure. My thoughts were always that this should have taken place mths ago. So shes outside with her beer bottle just runnin her mouth and trying to engage my husband with "people cant believe Im Tatis mom. They think we r sisters" The 13 yr old says "mom give me ur beer bottle" Im standing there as my husband is trying to introduce us. He tells her hes tryin to and she keeps finding other things to say or do to avoid this introduction. Finally I step up and introduce myself. I extend my hand and she shakes it. Ok done.

Then she starts call in and texting me every time she cant get my husband on his phone. He did confront her on that.

Now shes having a cook out for their daughter at HER brothers house and she invites all my husbands fam. Note: daughter requested no fan fare for her day but the BM says she doesnt care shes havin the party. Now theres major tension between me and my husband becuz he WANTS to go. He says becuz all his fam will be there. Now I am fine with any event in a public place but to be at HER families house I would be extremely uncomfortable, not becuz Im affraid of her physically but this is her domain and I feel she and my husband have made it to where Ive been disrespected by her. I also dont understand y they want to play "happy family" but they are not together. I feel like whats wrong with EVERYONE going to the graduation, then the BM having her own thing after with all her family and my husband having his celebration with his daughter and his family!? Dont they understand that they are no longer a couple? And he has a wife now to consider? If its about the daughter then y do we need to socialize with the BM and her fam? By the way, the daughter doesnt even want any party! Please help with any insight on how I could handle this. I did tell him Im not going. So he angrily said "fine we wont go" but I feel if we dont go he will worry how he looks to others.

[jaylady999]

Let me start again. I lost my last message

I hate when that happens

he insists that he never loved her, cant stand her voice or sight of her. He says she was just easy sex from the beginning and it wad not easy for him to get sex. So 18 yrs later and3 kids later he finds me, the one he married.

Honestly? None of this is relevent, even if it's true.

From the get go he would avoid talkin to her in front of me and avoid us meeting.

As both a BM and a SM, this would have been A-OK by me. I had no interest in meeting DH's BM.

She would always call for any and everything all hours every day. When I mentioned it bothering me he would get mad at me,
even tho he claimed he could not stand her calling so
much.

THIS would have been a red flag to me, with HIM.


She would call for help with things that had nothing to do with him and his kids. Apparently he has always been there as her go to man. But again he claims not to love or care for her. Finally after 8 mths of this crap I called her confronting her about her calling my husband when shes driving around lost and wanted his help for directions. I told her that hes married now and show some respect.

Bad, bad move. Never ever ever confront the BM. Deal with your husband at all times

I waited trying to give him the chance to confront her with these issues. So my phone call caused her to start this screaming session as she proceeded to tell me she was there first, why dont i get a job and stop living off a man with 3 kids (my husband insisted I quit my job to ride with him on his truck which he and I both love) she told me Im just mad cuz she can give him babies and I cant.. (dont know how she found out such personal and sensitive info about me)

If it's true, um, I am sure your DH told her this private information. Either that or she took a wild guess, which I doubt

Then she hung up and called back to leave a voicemail for me sayin I need to watch my back. My husband never asked me what things she said. He could clearly see I was badly shaken up. I felt cornered. Here I was in the truck miles from home, I let their 17 yr old use my car while we are on the road, and so thoughts of the BM now doing something to my car consumed me. BM then sent a text to my husband and I quote : "Yo son, if you and your dry ass wife wanna go to war get ready for boom boom". Now maybe its just me but this woman sounds very unstable and immature to be 35 yrs old with 3 kids. Again he does not confront her about any of this.

She does and she also sounds very immature. I wouldn't have even engaged with her from the very beginning.

Finally 10 maths after being with my husband I meet her. We were pickin up 2 of the kids at the baby sitters who was having an Easter party outside when we pulled up. So he says "u want to meet her now?" I say sure. My thoughts were always that this should have taken place mths ago.

Why? I sincerely don't understand this need for meeting her. I could understand her wanting to meet you than you wanting to meet her, because your kids would be around her. But again, for me, as a BM and a SM, I ain't tryin to meet nobody. Its not necessary.

Then she starts call in and texting me every time she cant get my husband on his phone. He did confront her on that.

You opened that can of words. How did she even get your number?

Now shes having a cook out for their daughter at HER brothers house and she invites all my husbands fam. Note: daughter requested no fan fare for her day but the BM says she doesnt care shes havin the party. Now theres major tension between me and my husband becuz he WANTS to go. He says becuz all his fam will be there. Now I am fine with any event in a public place but to be at HER families house I would be extremely uncomfortable, not becuz Im affraid of her physically but this is her domain and I feel she and my husband have made it to where Ive been disrespected by her. I also dont understand y they want to play "happy family" but they are not together. I feel like whats wrong with EVERYONE going to the graduation, then the BM having her own thing after with all her family and my husband having his celebration with his daughter and his family!? Dont they understand that they are no longer a couple? And he has a wife now to consider? If its about the daughter then y do we need to socialize with the BM and her fam? By the way, the daughter doesnt even want any party! Please help with any insight on how I could handle this. I did tell him Im not going. So he angrily said "fine we wont go" but I feel if we dont go he will worry how he looks to others.

Why can't he just go without you?

[stepprobs]

The first part I wrote was jus some background. I only felt the need to confront her becus he wouldnt. I didnt want to but I felt as long as she kept doing it post our marriage was a disrespect to me and Im big on respect. This is the bulk of my issue about her. Its not her existence. Its tje way he allows her nonsense. Thats fine before I came into the picture but now he has a wife. You get my point?

Him goin to the party without me is fine but his family has this thing with mixing exes, Bms and new wives together at events. Under my set of circumstances Im not comgortable with socializing with her. It hurts my feelings that he would even tell me under our circumstances " I dont see anything wrong with it"

We just got into another bad argument over this and he says again " we r not goin!" but it hurts me that he wants to still carryon with her and her fam. If the shoe was on my foot I would never tolerate an ex disrespecting him. I also would make sure i made alternate plans in consideration for his feelings. I would never want my situation to cause someone I love discomfort.

[stepprobs]

By the way Jaylady thanks for ur input. It helps.

And as far as ur comment re: my husband keepin conversations with BM away from me: feels like Im bein kept in the dark. I believe being open with ur wife is the best policy. Being sneaky only leaves questions to doubt. Even if their discussions may not sit well wih me, isnt marriage about what matters to both? Its not just about what matters to him anymore. We have been to counseling about this and counselor agrees to this philosphy. Btw, Im not sayin I have to hear every single convo they have. Im jus sayin when he would purposely try to avoid her calls when Im there or wait to call her back when Im not caused me to feel less important than I should be.

[stepprobs]

Oh and one more response to urs Jahlady: (sorry I cldnt copy n paste frm my cell)

About the wanting to meet the BM: I didnt want to either, but I felt sooner or later we would have to meet I guess. I mean with drop offs n pick ups n graduations etc that one day we should meet, and also so we would not jus be a mystery to eachother. I thought it would put a human side to how we could be cordial. As you wrote, my counselor also gasped when I told her the BM tried to avoid meeting me simply becuz a mother should WANT to know who theirkids are spending time with.

[jaylady999]

The first part I wrote was jus some background. I only felt the need to confront her becus he wouldnt. I didnt want to but I felt as long as she kept doing it post our marriage was a disrespect to me and Im big on respect.

I understand why you did it. But seriously, it wasn't your place to confront her. It was his. He dropped the ball. Your issue was definitel with him, not her.

This is the bulk of my issue about her. Its not her existence. Its tje way he allows her nonsense. Thats fine before I came into the picture but now he has a wife. You get my point?

I agree with how you feel. I disagree with who you choose to take this issue up with. It should absolutely NOT be her. I am going to be honest, as a BM, I don't give a hill of beans about BD having a wife. She is not my concern. Of course, I am not the crazy BM by any stretch of the imagination. But with that being said, his wife is not her issue. His wife is his issue. I'd be saying the same thing to a BM who had the nerve to contact the wife as well. His BM is not your issue. His BM is his issue. See where I am going with this?


Him goin to the party without me is fine but his family has this thing with mixing exes, Bms and new wives together at events. Under my set of circumstances Im not comgortable with socializing with her. It hurts my feelings that he would even tell me under our circumstances " I dont see anything wrong with it"

Sometimes families mix ex's just to keep drama going or in hopes that something will jump off. Sad but true. Even if no drama were to jump off, the potential of drama is enough for some folks. Don't give anyone the satisfaction. You don't have to be in her presence if you don't want to. Quite frankly, under your circumstances, I wouldn't

We just got into another bad argument over this and he says again " we r not goin!" but it hurts me that he wants to still carryon with her and her fam. If the shoe was on my foot I would never tolerate an ex disrespecting him. I also would make sure i made alternate plans in consideration for his feelings. I would never want my situation to cause someone I love discomfort.

Again, I agree. But that is not the situation you are presented with. My son graduates next week. BD is planning a surprise graduation party for him to include his entire family and anyone from family who wants to come. I will be there. My DH may or may not be there depending on if he has to work that day. Either way, we are celebrating an accomplishment for our son. If I had such issues with BD, then of course, I'd not agree to go and I'd do my own thing with DS. Clearly that is not the page your DH is on. Whatever issues you have with him are, they are with him, not BM.

[jaylady999]

By the way Jaylady thanks for ur input. It helps.

No problem. I want you to think of it from other points of view. I don't believe in telling people what they want to hear if it's not how I really feel. Me being both SM and BM, I sit on both sides of the fence and have a point of view from either

And as far as ur comment re: my husband keepin conversations with BM away from me: feels like Im bein kept in the dark. I believe being open with ur wife is the best policy. Being sneaky only leaves questions to doubt. Even if their discussions may not sit well wih me, isnt marriage about what matters to both?

Ok, now this I get. And earlier on in my relationship with DH, I use to feel the same way. It took some real soul searching within myself to realize that no, I don't have to be involved in everything he discusses with his BM. Most of it doesn't concern me because they are not my kids. Yes, they will have conversations that don't include you and it's up to your DH if he wants to share with you. You being his wife does not negate his 'relationship' with her. Trust me, after 11 years, half the time when DH tries to tell me about a conversation he's had with BM, I don't want to hear it. I listen to him vent or whatever, but I would have been fine to not know as well. There is freedom in getting to this point. If you don't make this part of it a big issue with him, you'd be surprised at how open he becomes with you, even when it comes to her.

Sometimes when BM calls and me and him will be sitting up watching tv, I will just get up and go in the kitchen and get a glass of water or something. No sooner than I get back, he is spillling to me the whole conversation. I guess it's my non interest that makes him want to share. LOL

Its not just about what matters to him anymore. We have been to counseling about this and counselor agrees to this philosphy. Btw, Im not sayin I have to hear every single convo they have. Im jus sayin when he would purposely try to avoid her calls when Im there or wait to call her back when Im not caused me to feel less important than I should be

Honestly? This is a marital issue, not a BM issue. And I am glad you guys are seeking counseling. I think that's great and proactive .

[jaylady999]

About the wanting to meet the BM: I didnt want to either, but I felt sooner or later we would have to meet I guess.

Eventually, it's possible. Just not necessary. And I certainly don't think it should be something that is set out to do

I mean with drop offs n pick ups n graduations etc that one day we should meet, and also so we would not jus be a mystery to eachother.

Why not. If he's a good husband and a good father, it means that he handles things on all ends. You can bond with and help with the kids while they are at your home and then when they go with BM, out of sight outta mind for the kids. At least that is how I've always handled it. It has worked out well because this way, I've not given the situation my emotional energy and there is no room for a let down in my mind.

I thought it would put a human side to how we could be cordial. As you wrote, my counselor also gasped when I told her the BM tried to avoid meeting me simply becuz a mother should WANT to know who theirkids are spending time with.

I am a mother. I have never had interest in meeting any of BDs girlfriends. He's a good father. I trust his judgement on who he brings around my son. It's just never been a concern of mine. That's not to say I've never met any of them. I've met and actually have a decent relationship with the current GF. But I didnt set out to meet her. It happened when we happened to be in the same place at the same time, so it was natural and it was friendly. And she's cool. But I trust BD and his judgement so I am good with that. I say that to say, no it's not strange or odd that BM doesn't track down BD and insist on meeting his girlfriend. I just didn't care enough to want to.

[stepprobs]

Yea basically thats what im sayin in a nutshell, its how he has handled things that has caused there to be tension. Ive dated men in my past who had kids and never have I felt or reacted to BM issues like how I am now. However I also believe strongly in my marriage vows and as a wife if I feel another woman is disrespecting me by way of my husband I will address it if he fails to do so for me. Its part of forsaking all others. So that bein said I know we all have our own opinions. I appreciate a forum like this where I can gathet ideas to either reinforce my current beliefs or open my mind to new ones. Again thanks!

[jaylady999]

No problem!! Keep us posted

[stepprobs]

Anyone whos NOT a BM have any insightful words of wisdom? I see ya peekin but ur not speakin.... Lol

[jaylady999]

Anyone whos NOT a BM have any insightful words of wisdom? I see ya peekin but ur not speakin.... Lol

You think the answer would be different depending on whether or not someone has kids? IMO this is not about whether I am a BM or not. I am a SM. Been with my DH for 11 years. Which means I have been exactly where you are.

Unless of course you are looking for someone to vent with about the BM, in which case, you are right...I can't help ya LOL

[stepprobs]

Im not sure if any of us have had or are having exactly the same experience. So yes I do think someone who is not a BM could provide a different perspective. If that means a different answer, so be it. I would never hold anything someone writes in a blog or forum across internet lines whom Ive never met, to be gospel anyway...lol

But becuz you did contradict urself in ur writings, a little variety in views would be welcomed. But it appears this message board isnt very active.

[jaylady999]

But becuz you did contradict urself in ur writings, a little variety in views would be welcomed. But it appears this message board isnt very active

I did? Please tell me how. I am curious. I am normally straight across the board with everything I post here.

[Cantrememberusername]

I am a SM that married a man with outside children. We've been married almost 16 years. My advice is to keep contact with the BM to a minimum. Don't start communication with her because it will turn into a messy situation. Let your DH deal with her. Yes, he will have to modify some of the things he used to do out of respect for you but deal with him about any concerns you have. If you deal with your DH & let him deal with the hot mess he procreated mess, trust me, things will be less stressful for you.

In regards to the graduation, if I was uncomfortable I wouldn't go either. My SD just graduated and my DH flew 4400 miles away to see her graduate. I trusted him to exercise good jhdgement. You need to trust your DH to do the same. If you make it a me or them situation, you will likely lose.