Sick of her games and lies

[dolphinfrk]

I have been with my husband for 6 years now. I have known since day one that he has kids (twins) with his old high school girlfriend. The kids are now 10 years old. I love my boys to death and I would do anything for them. But after 6 years of their mother playing her games I am so over everything. BM has never held a job, wait I take that back she worked for 3 months and then quit (after she found a new baby daddy) than she went and got another job and was fired within 2 months. My husband pays 100% child support (he has no problem with that, but he is upset that none of the money goes to his kids, it goes to a car payment for her new baby daddy’s truck and to her newest child) the boys come over in clothing that is too small for them, and they are never clean. They have 50/50 custody and he has the boys every other weekend and holidays every other year. Well after her first failed marriage and skipping states with the kids (the courts here acted like her moving 8 hrs away was nothing, as the judge told my DH that she never moved because she kept all court paperwork being sent to her parent’s home) and her moving the kids around 5 times in 2 years (between 2 states) she has done nothing but play childish games. From day one of me meeting her she was rude, right in front of me she asked my DH how he could be with a fat cow when he could be with her. Now yes I am not a stick figure but WTH!! Than for 2 years after that every time she was around him she would flirt with him, now DH told her to back off they were and have been done and over with and he doesn’t want her. Well after he told her that several times this is when all hell broke loose. For the first 3 years he had the boys for 3 weekends a month and was paying her about $650 a month in support, well she went to court had the support increased to where he pays over $800 a month (she can’t work because as she states the kids have “issues” and her mother is dying again for the 100th time) he also has to pay anything over the first $250 per child for medical bills, now at the age of 6 they had medical files that had over 150 pages in them, she takes them to the dr for everything! A cut, a cough, sniffles you name it… and if one child doesn’t feel well they both get the same medicine, for a year straight she was giving them both laxatives every day 3x’s a day! Then she went after him for visits, she stated that she doesn’t get to spend time with them as she is always in school (she will go to college for something and then the final semester she switches majors. So she got her wish and now he only has them every other weekend. There is so much more to the back story, like how her new live in boyfriend hits the kids and mocks them and the list goes on and on.

Well this week was the breaking point. Last year we had printed and signed calendars and that worked great, this year she refused and than by March she had switched weekends 3 times already. Now we were suppose to have the kids on Mother’s day but the weekend before her mom asked DH if they could have them and we would have the kids for BM’s weekend, DH said that was fine. So we had done that. (we had them the following weekend, BM’s weekend and then we had the boys on DH’s weekend. On DH’s weekend he has asked if he could have the kids for his birthday weekend and for Father’s day (as he has not had them for his birthday weekend for over 7 years and he has not had them for Father’s day for 4 years!) She said yes… this was agreed on the 18th, than he asked her again this past Friday to confirm, again she told him that was fine. On Tuesday one of the kids called hysterical saying that he (and his brother) doesn’t want to live with his mom and her family (her parents, sister, boyfriend and the new baby all in the same 4 bedroom home) and he wants to be picked up right now and move in with us. DH told him that we would not do that right now as he is almost done with school but to wait a little and if he still feels this way we will work on it. Well last night BM has the kids call and tell DH that they do not want to come over this weekend and they will see him the following weekend, when asked why they said oh just because. (meaning that she bribed them again) Well DH was hurt but he said ok. Then he sent BM a text saying that he still wants them for Father’s day… now this is when all hell breaks outs, because she tells him that she is switching weekends back yet again and he will have them the weekend in between his birthday and father’s day and to just get over it. After about a 30 texting fight she said he could see them for a little on Father’s day but they have to go back home as they need to spend time with her family (aka the new baby daddy) DH offers to pick the kids up on Saturday at 1 she told him that she will not be home and she will bring them by when she can Saturday night, but wants them home early on Sunday and if he has a problem with this she will take him back to court for this that and the other thing. Any time you say something to her all she does it say I will see you in court! This use to frighten him, but now he doesn’t care. We have taken her to court in the past for not allowing him to see his kids on his weekend and all that happens is her parents get her a lawyer and they make up some off the wall excuse, and she gets a slap on the wrist and told don’t do it again.
If it is not one thing with her it is another… the kids are not allowed to go with us to see my family for holidays, she gets upset with us that DH tells her he does not like her new BD hitting the kids or mocking them. She refuses to tell us anything that is going on with the kids school or sports wise. Every year we have a battle with the school to be informed of anything and we have to do the same song and dance, bring in court ordered custody agreements and file new forms all because she keeps having DH removed from files, I am so over all of this and all the childish games. I just don’t understand why she cannot try to be civil for the sake of the kids, it is sad that the kids see this and they have told us that they feel that “mommy cares more about the money than us” Sorry I had to just vent because I am trying everything in my power not to take out this frustration on or around my DH, the kids or the BM!!

[adivineoriginal]

While I understand your need to vent and how beyond frustrating it is to deal with these women in these types of situations from what you wrote, you have been dealing with this pretty much from the beginning or early on in your relationship with your husband. I say this to say that I remain baffled when reading these types of stories because the possibility of encountering the problems that a lot of women, who get involved with men with children from a previous relationship encounter, is extremely high. It's like why not avoid these men especially, if a woman is childless? This is said with all due respect and at the end of the day it's all a choice we make and individual outlook we each have on our own lives, but I really don't understand inviting these types of complications and dynamics into my life when there are other much more attractive and viable options. Maybe some women just love the man that much or just want a man to go through some of the horror stories that I hear.

Well since you don't appear to be considering leaving this situation, you probably won't ever be able to figure out why she cannot be adult and civil. Your husband appears to have made a poor choice on such a serious matter on who to procreate with. You two have to stay united and figure out coping mechanisms in dealing with this. I know you guys are now one, but the bulk of the responsibility falls on him as far as how he deals with his BM and what possible permanent custody actions to take and use of resources. I am sure you will be dealing with this for a time to come.

[dolphinfrk]

I use to always say I would never be with a guy who has kids, but you can not help who you fall in love with. Yes I knew it would be a rocky road but you would think that a 27 year old "woman" should know how to act like an adult. And yes my dh was not thinking with his right head when he was 18 but than again who really was thinking that long term in high school?

[recondite]

I would submit an amendment to the custody order. In our agreement my SD spends every Mother's Day with BM and every Father's Day with DH regardless of the weekend. You have to make the amendment as specific as possible including, but not limited to, vacations, holidays, summer and winter break, etc. When you go to the mediator they can see what is reasonable and what is not. When she refuses to adhere the penalties will become worse and she will run out of excuses with the judge if she has a history of not following their orders. Judges don't like when you continue to disregard their rulings.