This may be one of the WORST cases of BMD ever!

[Deleted]

My story is kinda long and drawn out so I will try to make this as quick as possible. My husband and I got together 13 years ago, I was 16 and he was 18. We had our first child together pretty early and then split up being the young, un-prepared, un-experienced teenagers we were at that point. We were different and things just weren't going so smoothly. Well when our son was about 3 he ended up getting some random girl whom he had slept with pregnant. Neither one of them I don’t think meant for that to happen but either way, we stayed apart for about a year and then we ended up back together. While split up, we did remain cordial and worked together as parents. This made things transition easily when we ended up back together since we were already hanging out and doing things with our son and trying to keep that parent relationship working. Well the girl who he got pregnant has HATED me from day 1. Today my now husband and I have a great marriage, we are 29 and 31 and we have come a LONG way! We have 3 little boys, just bought our first home and we just do the regular day to day family life and we have been doing it pretty well! I believe people grow, mature and when you get to your 30's you really start to "find yourself". Things are great! EXCEPT for the girl he had the child with. To this day she HATES me. To a point of no return, she has 2 little friends and her mother who encourage her to hate me and they all talk crazy about me on a regular basis, they are constantly posting lies about me on FB and so on. I have a no contact order on the girl bc she recently contacted me out of nowhere threatening to beat me in my head with a hammer. My husband has never given up trying to see his child and has paid child support from day 1. Regardless of the situation with the mother, he wants to be a good dad and loves the child. Well we have been unable to afford a lawyer so he cannot see the child and instead the mother uses the girl as a tool to get to my husband or at least try. She puts the little girl in the middle of the situation, turning her on us and so on. Its been HELL with this woman! We don’t have ANY communication with the mother and yet she is posting things about me on FB EVERY SINGLE DAY! This has been going on for so long and I have tried so hard to be nice to her and that only makes things worse. I just cannot seem to grab or wrap my head around the reason she is continuing to cause problems with us. She bad mouths my husband on the regular and acts as if he has chosen our family over her daughter but THAT’S so far from the truth. She will only let him see her if he goes to her house and sits in her face but he refuses to do so bc of her negativity. HE tried that route once and she then used it to create lies and problems so he didn’t go back. Every holiday and every so often he will attempt to see the little girl and bring her gifts for holidays and such. I just don’t know how to make peace with this lady. I wouldn’t be concerned but there are kids involved and I don’t want to be part responsible for messing up the childs life when she has a father who is more than happy to be a part of her life. We are clueless as to what to do. My husband cant even talk to the mother or go there without her bombarding him with stories about his "b*tch ass wife" He is SOOO FED up and so am I! What does a person do?

[jaylady999]

First thing, how do you know she is posting things about you on FB?

As far as the stupid stuff she is doing....please don't allow yourself to feel responsible for that poor child's outcome of not having the father she could have if the BM wasn't such a witch.

My only advice is to support your DH during this process, I know how difficult it can be to deal with a BM who is playing games with their child against the father.

But don't let it stress you and don't make it your problem. Just be there for him when he goes through it.

[Deleted]

Thanks Jaylady! Well I wont lie, I have looked bc I know how she is and its almost like an addiction....I keep looking to see what NEW lies she has to post about me. That is something I literally pray about every day, that I can just take myself out of that drama bc by me doing so, I know I am creating my own misery. I dont know if anyone can relate but I know one thing..I HATE that I keep going back to look. I think I have done soooo much of making it my problem since EVERY single time my husband has an incounter with her, I am the ONLY thing she talks about. It never fails. He literally has NEVER had a conversation with her that hasnt included her talking so horrible about me, trying to get my husband upset with me. Do you have any suggestions? If you need more detail, feel free to ask. I know its hard to understand the situation from the outside looking in. I just want out of this mess with her. I want to get along but I highly doubt that is possible.

[jaylady999]

Thanks Jaylady! Well I wont lie, I have looked bc I know how she is and its almost like an addiction....I keep looking to see what NEW lies she has to post about me. That is something I literally pray about every day, that I can just take myself out of that drama bc by me doing so, I know I am creating my own misery. I dont know if anyone can relate but I know one thing..I HATE that I keep going back to look.


I hate to admit, I know exactly what that feels like.

I think I have done soooo much of making it my problem since EVERY single time my husband has an incounter with her, I am the ONLY thing she talks about. It never fails. He literally has NEVER had a conversation with her that hasnt included her talking so horrible about me, trying to get my husband upset with me. Do you have any suggestions? If you need more detail, feel free to ask. I know its hard to understand the situation from the outside looking in. I just want out of this mess with her. I want to get along but I highly doubt that is possible.

No, actually I do get it. We use to have that issue. At first I had to tell DH to stop telling me stuff she says about me because quite frankly what she use to think of me was none of my business. LOL. After he stopped telling me, he obviously got tired of what she saying and he just cut her off. People will always invite you to a cat fight, you do not have to accept the invitation. I know it is hard because you feel the need to want to defend yourself, but at some point, you are giving her too much of your energy.

It is clear she has issues, be it with your or your relationship with her BD, but try not to let her suck you in and down that rabbit hole with her. Easier said than done, I know, AND it does take practice, but it gets easier. ;D

But when you get some time, please feel free to go into detail about your sitch, you have me interested

[Deleted]

Thank you jaylady for your insight and feedback. I really appreciate hearing someone elses point of view that see's it from the outside looking in. I will get into more details here shortly. Its such a drawn out story I barely know where to begin. Thank you again...

[imjusayin]

Apr 17, 2013 13:28:53 GMT -5 @bbrrr5 said:

Thanks Jaylady! Well I wont lie, I have looked bc I know how she is and its almost like an addiction....I keep looking to see what NEW lies she has to post about me. That is something I literally pray about every day, that I can just take myself out of that drama bc by me doing so, I know I am creating my own misery. I dont know if anyone can relate but I know one thing..I HATE that I keep going back to look. I think I have done soooo much of making it my problem since EVERY single time my husband has an incounter with her, I am the ONLY thing she talks about. It never fails. He literally has NEVER had a conversation with her that hasnt included her talking so horrible about me, trying to get my husband upset with me. Do you have any suggestions? If you need more detail, feel free to ask. I know its hard to understand the situation from the outside looking in. I just want out of this mess with her. I want to get along but I highly doubt that is possible.

Block Her and fight the urge as much as possible. You'll get there eventually and trust me, your life will be sooo much better. And before you know it, she will be a non factor

Baby steps

[jaylady999]

I totally agree! ;D

[Deleted]

Apr 25, 2013 17:30:54 GMT -5 @imjusayin said:

Apr 17, 2013 13:28:53 GMT -5 @bbrrr5 said:

Thanks Jaylady! Well I wont lie, I have looked bc I know how she is and its almost like an addiction....I keep looking to see what NEW lies she has to post about me. That is something I literally pray about every day, that I can just take myself out of that drama bc by me doing so, I know I am creating my own misery. I dont know if anyone can relate but I know one thing..I HATE that I keep going back to look. I think I have done soooo much of making it my problem since EVERY single time my husband has an incounter with her, I am the ONLY thing she talks about. It never fails. He literally has NEVER had a conversation with her that hasnt included her talking so horrible about me, trying to get my husband upset with me. Do you have any suggestions? If you need more detail, feel free to ask. I know its hard to understand the situation from the outside looking in. I just want out of this mess with her. I want to get along but I highly doubt that is possible.

Block Her and fight the urge as much as possible. You'll get there eventually and trust me, your life will be sooo much better. And before you know it, she will be a non factor

Baby steps

You know what, thanks! You are DEF right! I have to make the effort to erase the drama from my life. As much as I HATE to admit it, I am allowing it and encouraging it probably be even leaving the option open to look or to let her look at mine and give her ammo. Sometimes I guess, a little reality check is necessary bc I will also say, I DO leave room for drama sometimes.

[jaylady999]

Acknowledging is the first step. Congrats!!

So now you just have to take the steps to not allow her access to you which in turn will delete your access to her. In other words, BLOCK HER. Problem solved

[Deleted]

okay so I have new details to share, hopefully this may give some insight too. So I dont recall if Ive shared this yet but I currently have a no contact order on her for harassment (in January she contacted my husband and I saying she was going to wait for me on my porch to beat me in my head with a hammer) this was out of nowhere and quite terrifying knowing she drinks regularly and may act out of drunkeness and actually do it. So anyway, that created a whole other ordeal with the court system, court dates and so on. Well she has 2 friends that help her to plot against me, and try to cause problems with me and they are all 3 trying to play her out to be this poor single mother who is harassed by me (the crazy jealous wife) etc. Even though the courts have her threats to me on record from the phone messages, she had continued to plead "not guilty" from the direction of her 2 friends so now we have been set for trial, which means they will be there as her "witnesses" and I will have to be confronted by this situation with these girls and I am not allowed to bring any witnesses or anything, i will just be asked to testify on the stand in front of them-NOT HAPPENING! I decided today I cannot keep this going, I dropped the charges and Ill tell you why. I feel like this whole situation is only creating on on going HOLD to the BM to stay in my life, by having to have court dates with her, getting paper work on her, etc. Trial is scheduled for July and I just keep stressing and have anxiety attacks over it all and I just want it erased from my life. I feel like me going through with court and so on, just keeps me connected to her in a sense. I dont want to see her, hear her pitty story, deal with her lies or anything else. Do you feel it was a good idea to just drop the charges and move on without any ties to her whatsoever?

[truthbtold]

"You know what, thanks! You are DEF right! I have to make the effort to erase the drama from my life. As much as I HATE to admit it, I am allowing it and encouraging it probably be even leaving the option open to look or to let her look at mine and give her ammo. Sometimes I guess, a little reality check is necessary bc I will also say, I DO leave room for drama sometimes."


I have a serious question. With the above statement and I am sure you are not the only one, does the purpose of this "support group (lol)" seem disingenuous to a degree?

[truthbtold]

Apr 26, 2013 12:39:59 GMT -5 @bbrrr5 said:

okay so I have new details to share, hopefully this may give some insight too. So I dont recall if Ive shared this yet but I currently have a no contact order on her for harassment (in January she contacted my husband and I saying she was going to wait for me on my porch to beat me in my head with a hammer) this was out of nowhere and quite terrifying knowing she drinks regularly and may act out of drunkeness and actually do it. So anyway, that created a whole other ordeal with the court system, court dates and so on. Well she has 2 friends that help her to plot against me, and try to cause problems with me and they are all 3 trying to play her out to be this poor single mother who is harassed by me (the crazy jealous wife) etc. Even though the courts have her threats to me on record from the phone messages, she had continued to plead "not guilty" from the direction of her 2 friends so now we have been set for trial, which means they will be there as her "witnesses" and I will have to be confronted by this situation with these girls and I am not allowed to bring any witnesses or anything, i will just be asked to testify on the stand in front of them-NOT HAPPENING! I decided today I cannot keep this going, I dropped the charges and Ill tell you why. I feel like this whole situation is only creating on on going HOLD to the BM to stay in my life, by having to have court dates with her, getting paper work on her, etc. Trial is scheduled for July and I just keep stressing and have anxiety attacks over it all and I just want it erased from my life. I feel like me going through with court and so on, just keeps me connected to her in a sense. I dont want to see her, hear her pitty story, deal with her lies or anything else. Do you feel it was a good idea to just drop the charges and move on without any ties to her whatsoever?

I will never understand this type of repulsive, lowest-common denominator behavior, and pointless drama that women create. Bum baby mamas get over it. This is crazy. However, to your question, what does your husband say? Where is he at in all of this? A disturbingly common thread that I see is that the woman (who of course is the subject of ire from the other woman) is so personally close to the situation and I don't hear anything about what the husband is doing. You already dropped the charges, right? Whatever you feel you have to do to keep her out of your life and have no ties, do it including your part with the Facebook or whatever else. Why wouldn't you be able to bring support to your trial (i.e. husband, mother, etc., to sit in the gallery)? I don't get that. If you were to proceed and if she was found guilty, what would be the sanction/punishment/sentence? Do you know?

[Deleted]

truthbtold - I dont know if I find this support group disingenuous. I mean some people can be, but some just really want help or want to give help. I think we easily give advice but sometimes its hard to take even our own advice. I need a little feedback here and there bc I think some woman have more experience or have BETTER ways of dealing with things than myself, so I appreciate the positive feedback.

On your other note...I agree, sometimes the men DO seem less in touch with the whole situation. In mine particularly-I actually DO feel like I am more involved overall than my husband BUT I put that on myself bc I have chose in the past to entertain the craziness and he on the other hand, dismisses it without a thought. I feed into the drama at times, he just never has had that problem. He encourages me to do the same but only I know how I feel and only I can react to those feelings. I did let the county attorney know I wanted to drop the charges. The county attorney told me this....that the BM is the one who's character is being questioned now, she is the one who is being charged so therefore she gets lawyer of her own (at the states expense) and the county attorney's job is to prosecute the BM on behalf of our state, NOT on behalf of me. She said I could hire my OWN lawyer if I wanted one but informed me that she does NOT reperesent me in anyway and that the only place I come in is as the victim and her witness in trying to charge BM. BM gets to bring witnesses bc she is the one on the stand, fighting for herself-I dont bc I am nothing more than the county attorney's witness. If she was found guilty the only thing that would happen is she would get some fines and I would be able to keep my no contact order. After talking to the county attorney, to be quite honest, I didnt feel like I was being treated like a "victim" at all, I actually felt alone in the whole thing as much as she made it clear to me that she was NOT representing me at all. I understand that but I just know how it will go down. The BM will have her 2 friends there and they will be attacking my character and I just dont feel comfortable at all. Does that make any sense? Maybe I am off my rocker but I just dont like the situation at all. These are very vendicitve females I am dealing with. I dont know....I think dropping them will save unecessary conflict

[jaylady999]

On your other note...I agree, sometimes the men DO seem less in touch with the whole situation. In mine particularly-I actually DO feel like I am more involved overall than my husband BUT I put that on myself bc I have chose in the past to entertain the craziness and he on the other hand, dismisses it without a thought.

I think this is part of the problem I was referring to somewhere else in this forum about SMs being too invovled. I think you invited a lot of the drama you deal with, but the good thing is, I also think you recognize it. ;D

[Deleted]

yea I most DEF did invite it to begin with and Ive strung it along here and there but I guess the thign is NOW and the last like 2-3 yrs I havent went there with this chic. BUT she just keeps it going. I was reading another post about the wife answering the husbands phone when the BM called and realized how STUPID it seemed from the outside looking in for the wife to do such a thing and realized how it could create unecessary drama. I also understand the wife's part like who cares if it upsets BM, and I dont think thats the point I think now, looking at it years later I see and KNOW first hand my reasoning behind answering then phone (bc I used to do those kinds of things at the beginning) was to prove a point. I RUN THIS, but the more you mature and become a WOMAN vs being immature and vendictive you realize (like I now do) it seems silly and just unecessary to do all that. I am DEFINATELY learning along the way but I can say the journey has been so rocky...its taken a long while and still no fixed bc the BM wont seem to find the whole MATURE WOMAN aspect of it all. She is STILL holding onto that immature "baby mama drama" way of life! Its just TOOO much work