This may be one of the WORST cases of BMD ever!

[jaylady999]

yea I most DEF did invite it to begin with and Ive strung it along here and there but I guess the thign is NOW and the last like 2-3 yrs I havent went there with this chic. BUT she just keeps it going. I was reading another post about the wife answering the husbands phone when the BM called and realized how STUPID it seemed from the outside looking in for the wife to do such a thing and realized how it could create unecessary drama. I also understand the wife's part like who cares if it upsets BM, and I dont think thats the point I think now, looking at it years later I see and KNOW first hand my reasoning behind answering then phone (bc I used to do those kinds of things at the beginning) was to prove a point. I RUN THIS, but the more you mature and become a WOMAN vs being immature and vendictive you realize (like I now do) it seems silly and just unecessary to do all that. I am DEFINATELY learning along the way but I can say the journey has been so rocky...its taken a long while and still no fixed bc the BM wont seem to find the whole MATURE WOMAN aspect of it all. She is STILL holding onto that immature "baby mama drama" way of life! Its just TOOO much work

It is way too much work. I am one SM who is absolutely against answering DHs phone (when I know BM is on the other end). I just do not see the purpose AT ALL. I answer the phone to say what? He's unavailable. The voicemail handles that way better than I ever could. It just screams "I want to start drama". I'll pass.

I've never felt the need to prove that "I RUN THIS". He wifed me. I do run it. I don't have to prove it to BM or anyone else. My whole point even in that other thread is no matter how much of a bint BM is, there are still things that SM can do to curb some of that drama.

I know BM in my sitch was completely bored with me because I just didn't have the energy to get sucked up into that mess. Partially because I worked full time, have a few part time businesses, have my own kid who I am crazy about, and just too old for it. I couldn't find the time or the energy to entertain BM even if I wanted to.

Years later, she finally gets it. I think now, she is just as uninterested in me as I am in her. I love it this way. No drama.

[truthbtold]

Apr 26, 2013 15:09:37 GMT -5 @bbrrr5 said:

truthbtold - I dont know if I find this support group disingenuous. I mean some people can be, but some just really want help or want to give help. I think we easily give advice but sometimes its hard to take even our own advice. I need a little feedback here and there bc I think some woman have more experience or have BETTER ways of dealing with things than myself, so I appreciate the positive feedback.


I understand what you are saying for sure, but what I was really asking or saying was basically highlighting the irony of this board and the fact you acknowledged entertaining and leaving some room for drama. This board, by all outward appearances, is aimed against the babymamas who create angst and drama and while I do believe they are the majority especially as instigators, some of the new girlfriends and wives keep it going. So my disingenuous question was more about the creation and purpose of this board, not the necessarily the contributors. Hope that was clear LOL.

[truthbtold]

"On your other note...I agree, sometimes the men DO seem less in touch with the whole situation. In mine particularly-I actually DO feel like I am more involved overall than my husband BUT I put that on myself bc I have chose in the past to entertain the craziness and he on the other hand, dismisses it without a thought. I feed into the drama at times, he just never has had that problem. He encourages me to do the same but only I know how I feel and only I can react to those feelings."



You really need to follow your husband's lead on this one, like yesterday. It makes no sense. You have nothing to prove. Do you know what governs my life? "A transformation begins with a renewal of the mind." Get out of your feelings and meditate on that.

[truthbtold]

"I did let the county attorney know I wanted to drop the charges. The county attorney told me this....that the BM is the one who's character is being questioned now, she is the one who is being charged so therefore she gets lawyer of her own (at the states expense) and the county attorney's job is to prosecute the BM on behalf of our state, NOT on behalf of me. She said I could hire my OWN lawyer if I wanted one but informed me that she does NOT reperesent me in anyway and that the only place I come in is as the victim and her witness in trying to charge BM. BM gets to bring witnesses bc she is the one on the stand, fighting for herself-I dont bc I am nothing more than the county attorney's witness. If she was found guilty the only thing that would happen is she would get some fines and I would be able to keep my no contact order. After talking to the county attorney, to be quite honest, I didnt feel like I was being treated like a "victim" at all, I actually felt alone in the whole thing as much as she made it clear to me that she was NOT representing me at all. I understand that but I just know how it will go down. The BM will have her 2 friends there and they will be attacking my character and I just dont feel comfortable at all. Does that make any sense? Maybe I am off my rocker but I just dont like the situation at all. These are very vendicitve females I am dealing with. I dont know....I think dropping them will save unecessary conflict



The lawyer is correct in that she does not represent you, this is not a civil case and she is acting on behalf of the state. I guess it would make their case stronger if you appeared, but they have the documented phone messages, etc., so it seems like it is still going forth. Don't attend then and let the process play itself out. You are making sense; I understand. Just cut all ties with this person. There is no reason for y'all to be in contact anyway. That's your husband's baby mama, let him deal. As women we always want or feel like we have to take on everything. It's not good and most certainly does not define or reflect womanhood. Stay away from them. You have three kids and I believe good health that you would like to maintain, right? I am sure you have more productive things to do. Yes, these females are vindictive and although this is not a love triangle in that sense, you hear about crazy situations happening. Hopefully, she would be found guilty and getting hit in the pockets will wake her up. Next step would be being held in Contempt of Court and jail time.

[truthbtold]

Apr 26, 2013 15:34:45 GMT -5 @bbrrr5 said:

yea I most DEF did invite it to begin with and Ive strung it along here and there but I guess the thign is NOW and the last like 2-3 yrs I havent went there with this chic. BUT she just keeps it going.

Doesn't matter, you pulled at that thread. If you would have never inserted yourself in the drama to begin with, there is a great chance that this would have been subsided. A person cannot argue by him or herself. You already are dealing with a person with a bum mentality, so do you really think you can dictate the terms because you don't want to play anymore?

[jaylady999]

some of the new girlfriends and wives keep it going.

Absolutely. Be it on purpose or not realizing that they actually are....the statement is so true nonetheless.

[jaylady999]

"A transformation begins with a renewal of the mind." Get out of your feelings and meditate on that.

TRUTH!

[Deleted]

Thanks everyone! You know, its VERY hard to admit that I have played part in creating this war with BM! I do appreciate all the feedback bc it kind of gives me a reality check. Maybe someone can read this and get it too. You know, we learn sometimes from other experiences. I am thinking at this point, sometimes some of us may not want to admit our deep down resentment. We may not even realize its there, kinda like jaylady said above. I guess stating my situation and hearing an outsiders point of view helps me to heal and move forward with all of this. May be a slow process but I am getting there. I hear a lot that the wife should just support her husband rather than be part of dealing with the baby mom. I tried to explain my situation the best way I could but my situation wasnt ideal and so it was kind of like she stepped on my toes a little bit. My husband and I had already started something and then he messed with her and here we are. I COMPLETELY understand now that he was to blame for my heartache, not her UNTIL she just turned out to be CRAZYYYY!! I mean from the get go before I even knew her, she was all over trying to get me out of the picture. She would slice my tires on a regular basis and the list goes on. HOWEVER, now I realize I had control of how I DEALT with it all. At that time, I chose to fuel the fire and get to her any way I could. I was VERY weary of it all bc I wanted her to KNOW I was in control. I was about 21 then, I am 29 now and so much has changed. I am not that person I once was and unfortunately she is BUT WORSE! I know the need to show someone (the BM) that I was in control or had something to prove was pure immaturity and insecurties. Maybe we can help others from our experiences and maybe someone reading this will get it, like I dont have to prove a point to BM. You cant make anyone behave a way you want them to, they will do whatever they want and that includes the husbands. I just wish I had someone from BM's persepctive to help me understand the process to getting along or what from the BM's view point is the problem or what to do. I dont know, its a neverending process I guess. I just thank everyone for your input even if it isnt what I WANT to hear or should I say even if its blunt-I really want to work the drama out. Maybe some day!

[truthbtold]

"My husband and I had already started something and then he messed with her and here we are. I COMPLETELY understand now that he was to blame for my heartache"




Breakthrough right here, say it again. Now I am reading it two different ways, did he mess with this girl after a break-up between y'all or during the relationship? In any event, by proxy he has brought another woman into your life; you had a good thing going, your ideal situation. I mean you did have an option not to pursue anything with him again because of his poor-decision making, but be that as it may as it seems y'all have gotten past that obviously. Went on to have two other kids. Does he know how much he hurt you by his actions? Knowing that he has to try and co-parent with another woman for years to come is difficult, not to mention her then acting all stupid. I do commend you though for recognizing your role and seemingly being honest with yourself, because many people still want to be wrong and strong. Don't worry about her and her maturation deficiencies and trying to figure out ways to deal with this. You are giving it too much energy still and I don't understand why. Do you understand that you don't even have to deal with her? Let it go.

[Deleted]

Youre right, I could have decided not to work things out with him, but then again-we already had a son and I loved him and I he showed remorse and he made a effort to change his ways and now Im very glad I stayed with him regardless. We are definitely past that part, but the baby mama drama still lingers. He does know how badly that hurt me, we have went to counseling and talked to people from Church and his Uncle who is a pastor trying to get help on how to move forward. Somehow we've done quite well doing so but that doesn’t erase the feeling she has and the actions she takes. I wish now that I see the big picture with her, that I had handled my place a little better. I was very immature being I was 20 years old and I just didn’t get it. Heck, I still don’t all the way get it. BUT I do want to make a point, your right bc I DO put toooooooooooo much energy into it. I DON’T have to deal with her and that’s what Im getting through my head.

[truthbtold]

"Youre right, I could have decided not to work things out with him, but then again-we already had a son and I loved him and I he showed remorse and he made a effort to change his ways and now Im very glad I stayed with him regardless."


Oh okay, good for you.



"We are definitely past that part, but the baby mama drama still lingers."

Of course, but again don't make it your concern.


"He does know how badly that hurt me, we have went to counseling and talked to people from Church and his Uncle who is a pastor trying to get help on how to move forward. Somehow we've done quite well doing so"


Nice.At least he has not been absolved of his transgressions. We see this all too much, the women are going at it and the men are in the background chilling. It's quite disturbing that women are naturally adversarial, so it seems. Don't get me wrong, some women are just dogs and don't care, but the onus still falls on him.



"but that doesn’t erase the feeling she has and the actions she takes."


Of course, again, not your concern.


"I wish now that I see the big picture with her, that I had handled my place a little better."


Understood and you recognize this, but it is over. Onward and upward.


"I was very immature being I was 20 years old and I just didn’t get it."


I am not going to beat you up too badly because there are close to 40 year old baby mamas acting a plum fool


"Heck, I still don’t all the way get it."


Still don't all the way get what?


"BUT I do want to make a point, your right bc I DO put toooooooooooo much energy into it. I DON’T have to deal with her and that’s what Im getting through my head. "


You sure don't. Keep drilling it in your head. Repeat what I wrote a few posts back, "A transformation begins with a renewal of the mind." We all have feelings and that is totally natural, but if not checked, being in our feelings can be counterproductive. Look at it like this, you and here are not nor will ever be BFFS. At the most, cordial and civil but even with that, she is not your problem. I say that to say, even if she is acting up, she is not your problem and even if she was mentally sound, she is still not your problem. ;D

[Britt]

Is yours a state that allows you to record a phone call without the others knowledge? In Colo you can. Florida no. Invest in a tape recorder if you two have any intentions of putting up with this in hopes of having a relationship with the child one day. I made the mistake of not gathering evidence of threats. I wish I had bought that litle device from Radio Shack sooner. Record everything by printing fb posts and so on. Slander and threats are both illegal. Press charges for the hammer to the head threat. Makes her look bad in court if you can ever get a custody battle going. I would do it attorney free if it were my only option. Better try that than nothign at all. They call it abandonment if there is no effort made. I am sorry. My ex and I and our son haven't seen his daughter in years, despite court ordered visitation rights. But at least he put up a fight. Hoping the girl can open her eyes to that once she moves out of her evil mothers house. The poor kids..