Mediation Turned Counseling Session

[recondite]

In my last post BM canceled the scheduled mediation. We rescheduled and recently attended. DH has physical custody of my 6-yo SD and my presence was requested because I am the primary caregiver. Our mediation turned into a counseling session. BM focused all her energy on me and had little input when it came to anything concerning my SD. My question for this post is whether or not I am disrespecting BM.

The mediator started by asking what the reason for our session was. Our primary concern was the inconsistency with BM and her punctuality when picking up/dropping off SD for weekend visitations. We asked for a statute to be added into the parenting agreement that she will be allowed a 15 minute grace period for pick-ups and will no longer pick up my SD from school because of her previous mishaps. Also, pick-ups/drop-offs will now be held at assigned locations and no longer at our residence since BM showed up to our home unannounced after she failed to pick up SD from school. This is a standard thing, but since she did not agree the next step was mediation. BM concern was that she felt disrespected by me, which has nothing to do with my SD.

BM feels that her role as BM is being lessened in my SD life. I agree, but I place that responsibility on BM. She does not do anything for my SD and takes no interest in participating in anything dealing with my SD. I am confused as to what she is expecting of me? Does she want me to reference her to my SD in order to solidify her role as BM? I ask this question because during the course of our 5 hour mediation BM asked me if I felt that she is a good parent, to which I did not respond.

She feels that she is not included in decisions regarding my SD. Every major decision regarding my SD is discussed. If something needs to be done regarding our day-to-day routine, not involving BM Saturday visits, DH and I discuss it first and then he will discuss it with BM. From there we decide the best course of action. For example, when I came up with the idea to put my SD in Girl Scouts I first talked to DH about it. Once we discussed it he then spoke with BM to see if she had any questions or concerns about it. After everyone okayed it we registered my SD for Girl Scouts. Done and done. So I don't understand why she feels that she is not included?

She feels that if she wants answers to questions regarding my SD she should be able to call me and ask since DH is not always available due to his job. I disagree. In the few conversations that I have had with BM she starts yelling and cursing which leads me to disconnect the call. I refuse to be yelled at or cursed at. I can find no reason to talk to her over the phone. I suggested email as a way of viable communication, but she said it didn't work for her. In this day and age I can't fathom how email doesn't work for someone, but fine. She kept pushing the issue with the mediator that I should talk to her on the phone and I just wouldn't agree to it. Is this being disrespectful?

I have created a website where she is privy to all the information regarding my SD, her schooling, and anything else of importance. I also send out weekly emails regarding her progress in school and all the details of what we have gone over throughout the course of any give week, like the fact that I am teaching her Spanish or cursive handwriting. I personally feel that this is already more than enough assistance on my end.

In my opinion, BM wants me to do her job for her and report back. She then gets upset when I refuse to accommodate her demands. She has chosen to play this uninvolved role and now that my SD is starting to recognize this BM wants me to fix it. I do what is best for my SD and I make no apologies for it. I do not feel that I should be made out to be the bad guy because BM feels that she is being made to look "bad".

Am I being disrespectful? If so, how?

[jaylady999]

BM feels that her role as BM is being lessened in my SD life. I agree, but I place that responsibility on BM. She does not do anything for my SD and takes no interest in participating in anything dealing with my SD. I am confused as to what she is expecting of me? Does she want me to reference her to my SD in order to solidify her role as BM? I ask this question because during the course of our 5 hour mediation BM asked me if I felt that she is a good parent, to which I did not respond.

Seems to me like whatever relationship or lack thereof this BM has with her DD is her own fault. I wouldn't have answered her question either. It seems she knows the answer to her own question anyway, but just asked it out of complete guilt.


She feels that she is not included in decisions regarding my SD. Every major decision regarding my SD is discussed. If something needs to be done regarding our day-to-day routine, not involving BM Saturday visits, DH and I discuss it first and then he will discuss it with BM. From there we decide the best course of action. For example, when I came up with the idea to put my SD in Girl Scouts I first talked to DH about it. Once we discussed it he then spoke with BM to see if she had any questions or concerns about it. After everyone okayed it we registered my SD for Girl Scouts. Done and done. So I don't understand why she feels that she is not included?

Neither do I. And it seems that the system you and your DH have is a good set up. BM is a brat and apparently wants people to cater to her. I don't think so. If you are half assed in your kid's life, that is your problem and no one else's.

She feels that if she wants answers to questions regarding my SD she should be able to call me and ask since DH is not always available due to his job. I disagree. In the few conversations that I have had with BM she starts yelling and cursing which leads me to disconnect the call. I refuse to be yelled at or cursed at. I can find no reason to talk to her over the phone. I suggested email as a way of viable communication, but she said it didn't work for her. In this day and age I can't fathom how email doesn't work for someone, but fine. She kept pushing the issue with the mediator that I should talk to her on the phone and I just wouldn't agree to it. Is this being disrespectful?

HELL NO, you are not being disrespectful. You are not there to be her emotional punching bag and I am not quite sure what makes her think that you are. She can either email you, deal with your DH, or be left out of the loop. I would not waiver on that. Stand your ground.

I have created a website where she is privy to all the information regarding my SD, her schooling, and anything else of importance. I also send out weekly emails regarding her progress in school and all the details of what we have gone over throughout the course of any give week, like the fact that I am teaching her Spanish or cursive handwriting. I personally feel that this is already more than enough assistance on my end.

Your SD is very lucky to have you and BM is lucky that her DD has you. BM can't get out of her own way to see it, and that is really sad.

In my opinion, BM wants me to do her job for her and report back.

Yep. I agree.


She then gets upset when I refuse to accommodate her demands. She has chosen to play this uninvolved role and now that my SD is starting to recognize this BM wants me to fix it. I do what is best for my SD and I make no apologies for it. I do not feel that I should be made out to be the bad guy because BM feels that she is being made to look "bad".

If you ask me, you don't owe BM a darn thing. She has internal issues to resolve and one of them being how she slacks as a BM. I am guessing that as your SD is getting older(not sure how old she is), BM is beginning to see her own DD gravitate towards SM and now BM feels like crap. But it is her own fault and it is not up to you to help fix a situation for BM that she, herself created.

Am I being disrespectful? If so, how?

Not even a little bit. In fact, you are being very respectful by not really giving BM a piece of your mind. If she were smart she would back off and try to find a good entry into her DDs life before it is too late. That is where her efforts should lie.

[truthbtold]

I've noticed that your entries have the same M.O. and signature. Either you want an echo chamber high-fiving what you probably already know, but ask for the heck of it or you lack confidence in the ability to consider variables and exercise sound judgment as it pertains to your personal life. Which is it? This looks crazy.

[recondite]

I've noticed that your entries have the same M.O. and signature. Either you want an echo chamber high-fiving what you probably already know, but ask for the heck of it or you lack confidence in the ability to consider variables and exercise sound judgment as it pertains to your personal life. Which is it? This looks crazy.

I will start by saying that the url is, in fact, babymamadrama.com. All of my posts are pertaining to exactly that. From my understanding this is exactly what the site is for.

I pose questions because I am looking for thought provoking answers. Generally when I post something a decision has already been made. I am now looking for input from people with an unbiased opinion about the situation. Would you prefer that I just post rants about how stupid and ignorant of a BM I have?

I found this site looking for an outlet to see if there were other people in similar situations and how they handle them. I was also interested in hearing whether or not there are ways that I may not have thought of to handle BM since I have never dealt with BMD before.

The fact that you feel I am looking for a "high-five" is a compliment within itself because it shows that I am, in your opinion, making sound judgment calls when it comes to raising my SD and how I handle BM. So thank you for that.

In the event that my writing style is bothering you I would encourage you to ignore any posts you may see with my name on it from henceforth. Thank you again and have a great day!