Please Help!!! I have no kids, he has 4 with 2 BM.

[prepgirl]

I'm about to be 26 in a couple of days, and I have no kids. I have been dating my bf for over a year now, and our relationship is serious. He even proposed to me with a ring, but i didn't give him an answer yet, because there are things in the relationship that need work. He wants me to take my time, but its about to be 2 months since he asked, and i wanted to give him an answer on my birthday. I have e NEVER dated anyone with kids. When I met him he told me he had 2 kids, but later on confessed that he also had twins with another women, that he didn't know about until they were 4. He had a fling with her, while him an his ex/ BM1 had been having problems. BM with the twins is not an issue, because she lives far away and they are not really that close. my problem is with BM1, who was with him for about 8 years or so, and they have 2 children. They broke up about three years ago, but he co parents with her, and she lives 5 minutes away. YUP!!! He is an excellent father, and in the beginning when she did try to get fresh with me he put her in her place quickly and efficiently in front of me. Everything was fine and i adore his kids and they love me. They even tell me they want me to marry him and ask for me all the time. My problem is that i feel as time went on, his BM1 has become more and more needy. She calls him for everything, the kids wont sleep, the kids wont wake up, they need this or that, or they didn't do their homework, etc.. It just has become so constant lately, that it interferes with our relationship. She wasn't like this before. I also have realized that he is at her beck and call so much lately, to the point he lies to me about it. He has to fix her tire, she needs this done or that, and in front of me when he went to drop them off, she told him to get the laundry out of her car and put it in the house for her, without her even helping. I feel like she controls him, and he lets her. he says that he doesn't do anything for her, he does it for the kids, but what is the limit. I know he gives her money, he take s them to school, picks them up, gives them whatever they need, and he does that other stuff for her. I feel like they are getting along better now, then when they were together. She even waits last minute to have him do things for the kids, like wake him up to bring them to school the morning of, and he doesn't say anything, even though he doesn't like that. She even dropped them off at a restaurant we were at, because she wanted him to take them and he told her no. Its crazy, and he doesn't understand why it bothers me. He tells me there is no drama, shes not in my face, but i feel like she does certain things indirectly. This women has plenty of family and people around her, but she calls him for everything like that's her man. Also, what bothers me is that it takes away from how he treats me, the way he should care about me is hindered by all this, he has to do for his kids and his BMs. I know he has to take care of his kids, but i feel like he goes above and beyond and always puts me last. I may need something for $30 and says he doesn't have it, but if one of the BMs calls him for $300 he has it. I have told him how i feel and i think that his BM1 sees how he treats me inferior and takes advantage of that. There are a lot of other things, but I just want to know if I'm crazy or being selfish, because i don't ask for much. If i am giving myself 100% to him, don't i deserve that in return? How about when I have a child with him? he already made it clear that he would have to get cheaper stuff for my first born, because he has other children to take care of, and that hurts me. i love this man and i know he loves me, but he doesn't seem willing to work with me here. The worst thing is, she and I have never said much more than hi directly to each other, except when there was an accident with one of the kids and she realized i really cared and started saying hi to me, but that stopped, as me and him got more serious. This is also when she started to act so incompetent to even put her kids to bed without calling him or wake them up in the morning. Its ridiculous. I also feel like he cares for BM1 kids more than the twins with the or BM, which also bothers me. I don't know what to do, I swear I'm going crazy. Please anyone help me figure this out!

[truthbtold]

You are 26 years of age. As of a matter of fact, your age is inconsequential in that there is no age where this type of behavior, imbalance, and drama should be accepted. Nonetheless, you are 26 with no kids of your own. It's nice and as should be expected, that he stood up for you to her where many of these men don't for one reason or another. Love is wonderful and I do believe that love can cover or conquer a multitude of things, but in all reality, it's not always enough. A particular issue or situation can go beyond just love, which seems to have been cheapened these days anyway. Re-read what you wrote; the negatives. Consider these questions and before I go on, please do not question or allow your mind or anyone else to play games on you making you feel like you are a bad person or obligated to deal with these type of major lifestyle changes.

Child-free people enjoy a certain type of unencumbered lifestyle. Do you really want to take on the responsibility of helping to raise other women's children?

Can you really or do you really want to accept the financial disproportion when dealing with someone with these types of long-term responsibilities? You already mentioned that he said y'all child together would have to have cheaper items.

Even though babymama #2 is far away and they are really not that close, maybe a temporary thing, you never know what cards might be dealt at a later date. Do you want to have that probability hanging over your life?

Using "I do it for the kids" in regards to all that he does for her is not acceptable and then he lies about it. This type of thinking is twisted and lacks boundaries. Do you want to continue to contend with these issues? The trust is eroding.

As it relates to the babymama, the worst thing is really not whether you two say hi to one another. You guys have no obligation to each other. Don't get caught up in that.

Can you really accept that your husband has to interact with other women and that these other women are apart of your life in some capacity, albeit from a distance? Romantic relationships to me, are sacred and are designed just for those two people.

Do you really want to be the third woman he has children with while he is your first?

Do the both of you truly share the same definition of what marriage is? People are very sensitive when it comes to their kids and no one comes before them.

Are you ready to make most of the sacrifices for situations that you had nothing to do with?

Don't settle for this when I am sure, you can get someone most compatible with you in terms of lifestyle. I have never heard any woman who have gotten involved with a man with children say they would do it all over again. They all say, if they could do it over again, they would not. Yeah, you do what you want and not what others do, but there are reasons for this common sentiment.

These are real life things to consider. Don't get caught up in emotion, but think realistically. If you are okay with this, then go ahead. If you, as you obviously do, have serious concerns don't second-guess yourself. It's okay. You don't have to explain it or feel bad for it. You are not obligated to absorb other people's personal decisions. I was told something once before and it has stuck with me to date and this is generally speaking, but put yourself in a position where you can pick and choose who you want.

[truthbtold]

"She even dropped them off at a restaurant we were at, because she wanted him to take them and he told her no."

Y'all were out to eat. Why does she even know the exact restaurant y'all were at?


"Its crazy, and he doesn't understand why it bothers me."


Men are funny. I bet if it was the other way around, he wouldn't appreciate it. I was told once that of course a man doesn't want his lady to have kids. Ain't that about a blip? Not surprising though. So he gets the luxury of you not having a child or children with another man or men? Yeah, okay. I don't think you should stay with him, let alone get married. Just my opinion.

[prepgirl]

Thank you so much, truthbtold, for taking the time to reply to my post. You made me ask myself questions that I never even thought to ask myself. I have been struggling with this decision for a while now, and I believe if it was anyone else, the decision would be quite clear. But, for now the love I have for this man is so strong, that I want to be sure of the decision I make, and the consequences it can bring. I appreciate your frankness, and believe me I needed to hear it. I needed advice from someone who experienced this and who would understand my concerns. No one else seems to understand why I feel this way. Even my mother argued that he is doing the right thing, and he is supposed to do all of this for the BM. No one seems to comprehend that my main issue is how he treats me in comparison to his BMs. I shouldn't be considered less than anyone in his life, or am I wrong? I'm tired of being made to look like a bad and inconsiderate person. I have been trying in vain for my bf to understand that I'm not telling him not to take care of his children, but to understand and take into consideration how I feel. I feel so naive that I put myself in this situation not really realizing how this would change my life anmy relationship. He tells me I knew the situation, and why am I complaining now, but honestly I didn't know that it would be like this forever. And I didn't realize how it would affect me, even though he says it is none of my business, and his sitiation with his BM s has nothing to do with me. He doesn't want to acknowledge that I'm walking into his situation, as a young woman, without children of my own, and not many would do that. He doesn't see the sacrifice that I'm making, its not just him and I, I'm sharing him with 6 other people. Like you said, my life will never be the same. I have friends, that as soon as I said he had kids, without knowing how many, thought I was crazy to be with him. Well, only time will tell what will happen, because as of right now, our relationship has hit a wall. And I have a feeling that, as much as I am tired of talking about it, he's tired of hearing about it. He just doesn't get it!!!

[prepgirl]

Oh, and he told her we where buying food at that restaurant. And she decided to bring the kids there, and was mumbling under her breath that "he doesn't spend enough time with his kids ",clearly she was talking towards me, but I just replied out loud, that he's not spending all his time with me. Mind you, he sees his kids almost everyday.

[truthbtold]

"But, for now the love I have for this man is so strong, that I want to be sure of the decision I make, and the consequences it can bring."


I get that, but do you have strong love, respect, and high reverence for yourself? What consequences do you speak of? What do you mean?



"No one else seems to understand why I feel this way. Even my mother argued that he is doing the right thing, and he is supposed to do all of this for the BM."


I don't know what to say about your mother's point of view. I will say, I am a bit astounded but I know that there are different schools of women. Meaning some women believe a man, any man, at any cost. Not saying your mom necessarily, but generally speaking based off of her comment. Some people even transfer a situation to themselves and base their opinion on that because they were in that situation. Again, people with children and people without tend to be on total opposite ends of the spectrum, with some meeting in the middle.


"No one seems to comprehend that my main issue is how he treats me in comparison to his BMs. I shouldn't be considered less than anyone in his life, or am I wrong?"


Of course not. How could you even consider entertaining this? I understand that some people think having a man's baby specifically out-of-wedlock, is something special or magical, but it's not. Really doesn't require much. It's most certainly not an entitlement for things to be bestowed upon them.


"I'm tired of being made to look like a bad and inconsiderate person. I have been trying in vain for my bf to understand that I'm not telling him not to take care of his children, but to understand and take into consideration how I feel."


And getting married will not automatically make things work.



"I feel so naive that I put myself in this situation not really realizing how this would change my life anmy relationship. He tells me I knew the situation, and why am I complaining now, but honestly I didn't know that it would be like this forever."


Wow. When someone speaks and have actions to back it up, please believe them. Sometimes we have tendencies to keep rose colored glasses on hoping for the best and believing in change, when evidence is telling us otherwise.


"And I didn't realize how it would affect me, even though he says it is none of my business, and his sitiation with his BM s has nothing to do with me."


Yes as it relates to their children only, his situation with his BM is his business. Trust, you wants no part of that; stay low. However, when he is doing things that go beyond his duties as a parent and is disrespecting you, that is your business and it shouldn't be a problem you expressing how you feel.


"He doesn't want to acknowledge that I'm walking into his situation, as a young woman, without children of my own, and not many would do that."


Exactly. He needs to be more sensitive to this if he is serious, but again we all have choices.


"He doesn't see the sacrifice that I'm making, its not just him and I, I'm sharing him with 6 other people."

Ewww....Yup, and you will be making the most sacrifices and having to be understanding and blah blah blah.


"Like you said, my life will never be the same."


Nope.


"I have friends, that as soon as I said he had kids, without knowing how many, thought I was crazy to be with him."


Ha, ha, ha I am sure. They are not trying to hear that. Do you blame them?



"Well, only time will tell what will happen, because as of right now, our relationship has hit a wall."


Hit an impasse, huh? Time will tell what?



"And I have a feeling that, as much as I am tired of talking about it, he's tired of hearing about it. He just doesn't get it!!!"


I am sure of this. Now what?

[truthbtold]

May 11, 2013 22:48:17 GMT -5 prepgirl said:

Oh, and he told her we where buying food at that restaurant. And she decided to bring the kids there, and was mumbling under her breath that "he doesn't spend enough time with his kids ",clearly she was talking towards me, but I just replied out loud, that he's not spending all his time with me. Mind you, he sees his kids almost everyday.

Not to harp on this, but I still don't get why she was informed of this. Oh, no need for you to have even responded to her comments. The writings on the wall here.

[rach]

Marriage will not change anything in this situation. And your love for him is not enough to carry you through this, you need much more from him and if he will not change to win you over, he won't change even after u are his wife. Simple. When people show you who they are or show no need to change, believe them the first time. He is not a bad person hun, but you are both in very different pages and expecting one to flip and accomodate the other fully means one person is not going to be truly happy. Not a good foundation for marriage. And im guessing you will be the one to sacrifice here.

[truthbtold]

May 13, 2013 4:15:56 GMT -5 @rach said:

Marriage will not change anything in this situation. And your love for him is not enough to carry you through this, you need much more from him and if he will not change to win you over, he won't change even after u are his wife. Simple. When people show you who they are or show no need to change, believe them the first time. He is not a bad person hun, but you are both in very different pages and expecting one to flip and accomodate the other fully means one person is not going to be truly happy. Not a good foundation for marriage. And im guessing you will be the one to sacrifice here.

Speak on it!!