All The Kids Firsts ....

[Confused]

I have a question and need some insight into what other blended families do in the situation for the kids "firsts." My BF and his BM decided they wanted to take there 2 kids (DS & DD2) to the Zoo for the first time. The problem is my BF did not inform me of this decision and I had to find out from a third party. I understand that the "big" moments should be shared between parents and I am fine with that.

What I am confused about is that if they feel that all the "big" moments should be shared, (a) then why didnt BM's DD1 BD (different relationship, different kid) also attend since it was her first time at the zoo also? (b) why the heck did BF not tell me that they were going. I have 2 kids, their father passed away.

Just some info ... BF and I are extremely close and I do not question our relationship, I trust him. We live together with DS. While DD2 lives with BM.

So the big question is, how do blended families, blend?

In my perfect world the adults would get along for the kids sake, and co-parent in harmony. I do believe it takes a village to raise a child.

[truthbtold]

The concept of "blended families" is weird and unnatural to me, but is what it is these days. LOL @ sharing a "first" by taking the kids to the Zoo. Come on now. Does that sound right to you? Parents present for a graduation? Of course. Other more significant legitimate big moment events? Yes. The Zoo? LOL. Also, like you said, she has a child with another man as well, why didn't he attend? That would have been a sight and experience . So, it was her kid from another relationship present as well. Who was the third party you found out from? Just curious and how old are these kids? All loving committed relationships require certain things (respect, love, communication, deference, etc.) , but I will say that your attempt to do the family blending under your current circumstances, playing house with your boyfriend, is glaring. It is different than a husband and wife. Although you made sure to mention that you two are close, etc., obviously you have some concerns about these particular decisions to exclude you from even knowing their intentions with sharing "big moments." Based off of your last declaration in your posting, you are more than eager to help raise children not of your own. Yada, yada, yada. What you need to do is have conversations with the person you are actually in a relationship with and see what his thoughts are in this regard, as opposed to strangers giving you advice on blending families. Have y'all never had a discussion about this stuff? I don't know why he did not inform you of this "first" outing. Maybe he feels that he doesn't have to tell you these things as it relates to his kid with someone else. I don't know, you need to ask him. Are you the type that don't mind being excluding from every "big moment" as long as you are informed, or would you like to be included at some point, depending on what the moment is and perhaps don't feel that some things need to be shared? I mean, these conversations and understandings should have been addressed already. To your last question, I'm not sure that you posted anything that suggests a lack of harmonious co-parenting on the part of your bf and his BM. You cannot assume that she pitched a fit and told him not to tell you. That could have just been his decision not to, if this is what you are referencing by your statement.

[Confused]

DD1 is 5 1/2 years, DS is 19 months, and DD2 is 6 months. I questioned why DD1 BD did not attend and it was because he had to work. This is all a weird situation; BM, DD1, DD2, and (DD1) BD all live together (roommates, not together) while BF, DS, my 2 kids, and myself live together. So having both BD together is an everyday situation and not abnormal, in this situation.

What is weird in my opinion is the BM wants nothing to do with me and my kids but she thinks everybody involved with her kids needs to provide for them, including me. She gets mad when she sees me driving around town, parked at a store she wanted to go to, etc. I have changed my whole routine to make sure she does not "run" into me.

My BF and I get along with the other BD and have a peaceful relationship.

BF and I have discussed this situation and he said he did not want to get into a fight with me about them going to the zoo. Said it was very stressful because they discussed custody the whole day.

I do not mind helping raise another persons children as long as they are as involved with my kids as I am with theirs.

This is the only relationship I have been in that included another persons children. The situation, at first, seemed incredibly weird to me but I have grown to accept it. I just need to know how to blend the families together or even what boundaries should not be crossed.

[truthbtold]

DD1 is 5 1/2 years, DS is 19 months, and DD2 is 6 months. I questioned why DD1 BD did not attend and it was because he had to work. This is all a weird situation; BM, DD1, DD2, and (DD1) BD all live together (roommates, not together) while BF, DS, my 2 kids, and myself live together. So having both BD together is an everyday situation and not abnormal, in this situation.

Okay, all of this DD stuff confused the heck out of me, but I finally got it after re-reading a few times. Well, dag his kids are super young and their relationship couldn't have ended that long ago. . How long have y'all been together. Yes, their living situation is odd. Okay, so he has primary or sole custody of the 19 month old or working on it?


What is weird in my opinion is the BM wants nothing to do with me and my kids but she thinks everybody involved with her kids needs to provide for them, including me.

Ummm....she doesn't have to have anything and I repeat, anything to do with you and your kids at all. Not weird to me. Why would you think that? Aren't you helping and seem to have no problem raising her child and being involved with her children? Maybe that's where she gets those ideas from. Not that they cannot necessarily be challenged, but it seems as though this is the set-up; custody issues. You are the one that would need to establish the extent of your involvement. She can have whatever thoughts she wants.

She gets mad when she sees me driving around town, parked at a store she wanted to go to, etc. I have changed my whole routine to make sure she does not "run" into me.

Silly. It's a free world. Go where you please. If she gets mad, she gets mad. Maybe you are trying to keep down issues, but changing your whole routinely sounds silly. Maybe you were messing around with him when they were together and she dislikes you. I don't know the backstory, but the kids are quite young.


My BF and I get along with the other BD and have a peaceful relationship.

And? How is this even relevant? It doesn't even seem like he is taking on any type of "step-parent" role seeing as they are just roommates, so why is this noteworthy? One thing that has to be drilled into the head of women that get involved in these situations, is the notion that everyone has to be BFFs. Posters come here whining that BM is acting this way and acting that way and they cannot understand it. Y'all really need to remove the emotional investment out of these situations. You cannot force anyone to behave in an adult way, so stop going through the motions.


BF and I have discussed this situation and he said he did not want to get into a fight with me about them going to the zoo. Said it was very stressful because they discussed custody the whole day.



Oh, not that he needed to seek your permission per se to go but by informing you of the plans, it seems as though you would have voiced your opinions, which in turn would have caused a fight? Excluding you from certain things as it relates to his kids seems to be his way of dealing with it and keeping down fights with you. Good, bad, or indifferent. And a 19 and 6 month old "first big moment" zoo trip? Really? Okay.

I do not mind helping raise another persons children as long as they are as involved with my kids as I am with theirs.


You sound delusional. Sorry, but you do. You are making a choice to help raise or involve yourself with another person's child. That is YOUR choice. They do not have to reciprocate. You are not significant to her. You and your BF don't even share children together, which would make y'all kids half-siblings and even then, she doesn't have to facilitate a relationship or help raise your kids. This is the wildest thing I have ever heard. Your proclamation about a village raising a child, is just that, yours.

This is the only relationship I have been in that included another persons children. The situation, at first, seemed incredibly weird to me but I have grown to accept it.


It does sound very weird and not surprising that you accepted it. That seems to be the style of many women these days....acceptance of anything.


I just need to know how to blend the families together or even what boundaries should not be crossed.



Based on what you wrote, I really think you need to take it down a notch and relax. You guys are not even married. You are trying to do way too much with all of this attempt at "blending." Seems like you are trying to force this woman to embrace your children. 8-)Again, you need to have these conversations with him about respecting boundaries, his view on integration of families, yada, yada.

[Confused]

First of all as for me mentioning the fact that I do not mind helping raise another persons children as long as they are as involved with my kids as I am with theirs, was not in any way referring to the BM was in fact to the BF. But rereading what I wrote I can see were you got that idea. Also I am not trying to "force" her to accept my children they have their own family that they spend quality time with.

But I do see what you are saying that I do need to take it down a notch (or two or three). The whole back story is long but I did not start messing around with BF until they split. It was a month later that they found out about DD2. We did know each other before the split, and I will admit that BF and I wanted to be together. But we waited until their split was over.

You stated a lot of points that I will have to consider. Thank you.

[truthbtold]

First of all as for me mentioning the fact that I do not mind helping raise another persons children as long as they are as involved with my kids as I am with theirs, was not in any way referring to the BM was in fact to the BF. But rereading what I wrote I can see were you got that idea. Also I am not trying to "force" her to accept my children they have their own family that they spend quality time with.

But I do see what you are saying that I do need to take it down a notch (or two or three). The whole back story is long but I did not start messing around with BF until they split. It was a month later that they found out about DD2. We did know each other before the split, and I will admit that BF and I wanted to be together. But we waited until their split was over.

You stated a lot of points that I will have to consider. Thank you.


Okay, since you cleared it up a bit and are referring to your boyfriend in some part, the core advice is still the same....talk to him and continue taking it down some notches. I am unsure what he is or isn't doing as it relates to your kids or what his role is or what he and you would like it to be. Y'all are living together, but I don't know. This stuff, amongst other things, takes time and patience. He is dealing with two very young children of his own and custody of one. Long road ahead if this is too last. Best wishes nonetheless.

[jaylady999]

And this is the problem that I have with GFs (and some wives too) who are all inclusive with a man and his kids. It always seems like more burden than what it is worth. I agree with Truth. Take it down a notch OR TWO. If I were his GF, I would not be helping his raise his children. He and BM can have that, without being disrespectful of me in the process.

How long have you guys been together? Just curious

[truthbtold]

Jun 4, 2013 11:51:33 GMT -5 jaylady999 said:

And this is the problem that I have with GFs (and some wives too) who are all inclusive with a man and his kids. It always seems like more burden than what it is worth. I agree with Truth. Take it down a notch OR TWO. If I were his GF, I would not be helping his raise his children. He and BM can have that, without being disrespectful of me in the process.

How long have you guys been together? Just curious

BOOM!!! Say it again Lady. Although, she said that they did not mess around when he was with BM they waited until after, I am curious if he broke up with BM to be with her. Those kids are young and based off of what was written, they were already together when he found out about BM being pregnant, a month later

[jaylady999]

Yep. BM and BD still haven't had space to figure their coparenting process out and I believe the original poster came right in the middle of that, or as you say, 'interrupted' it. And if that is the case, it would stand to reason why the situation is what it is. And also, if that is the case, she'd do herself a favor by standing back a bit and just trust that she has the man, while letting the BM and BD get their parenting situation together. It seems to me that there is a lot more to this story, even if it is on the part of BM.