New to site...I think I have some insight

[meandmine]

Perhaps my input may give insight to some in my situation although I KNOW I could definitely use some more advice and understanding about BMD in general. I am just going to be brutally honest with everyone on here and myself so bare with me My BMD has been going on about 8 years. Truth is, she was someone my husband (who was then my baby's father/boyfriend) has slept with on the side, amongst many others. It just so happened she got pregnant and drama was on ever since. I left him at that point but in years to come we ended up back together and we grew tremendously as a couple and as a family. It was almost as if that DEVESTATING incident brought us closer and forced us to dig deeper within ourselves and the love we had for each other. Today we have 3 children together and he has one with her. Over the years (from my point of view) this woman has been EXTREMELY bitter that whatever they had going, didn’t turn out how she had planned. I say this because she has focused all her energy on hating me and trying to go back and forth between the two of us, lying, scamming and all the while really messing her child up for the most part. My husband has paid CS from day one and has tried and tried to be a part of their child's life. Sometimes the mother would allow him to, sometimes she wouldn’t, for the most part-she hasn’t. Her reasoning....well in my face it's because he a "deadbeat" and I end up having more of an impact on the child than he does (her opinion) but in his face it's because I'm crazy and he is "p*ssy whipped" and so on. Either way I used to point the finger at her and of course my husband for even getting into the situation with her, but never me. I had a few situations happen where it was a wake up call, I HAD played a part in the BMD. I have spent time in the passed arguing back with her, etc. She always comes off with this sense of extreme c*ckiness that always confused me so I spent time pointing out her flaws to make SURE she was aware that she WASN'T competition, even though in the back of my mind I USED to think my husband perhaps saw something in her OBVIOUSLY that I didn’t. I DID indeed give her the time of day and that just fed her drama. I don’t know what it is about me that makes me feel it was necessary or even worth while to do so but I did, even though I KNEW deep down that it was immature and pathetic of me to do so. Anyway, I am STILL working on being the bigger person but I am getting better! I feel like if we as the current woman in the man's life stick to ourselves and do not communicate with the negativity in anyway than perhaps it might kill the drama, if not right away I would think that EVENTUALLY with no one to argue with or get a reaction from, it will die off! We'll see

[truthbtold]

"I feel like if we as the current woman in the man's life stick to ourselves and do not communicate with the negativity in anyway than perhaps it might kill the drama, if not right away I would think that EVENTUALLY with no one to argue with or get a reaction from, it will die off!"





Well, there you have it. This has been said and endorsed by myself and others. It's very much common sense. If others in these situations will employ this method, they will see a change. If they choose not to and still want to be wrong and strong, then they will continue to be in the misery that they are in, running to this forum whining and crying. Why would the new woman want to communicate with the BM anyway is far beyond me?

[jaylady999]

Yep. I am very happy to see that someone else "gets it". BMD is only possible when TWO parties are involved. It typically cannot stand alone for very long. ;D

[meandmine]

truthbtold-It may very well seem like common sense and although I cant speak for others, it took me a long while to get the point that I dont need to have the last word or PROVE anything to her, I mean I knew that all along but I had this stubborn stupidity in my head that I needed to prove to this chic that she wasnt a threat to me, in fact I couldnt figure out why she felt she really was. I want to make a point quickly and I hope it isnt taken wrong bc I am only stating facts right now and do not EVER think I am better than anyone else. I look at her and I look at me, neither her or I had great upbringings or were well off, I however, have done EVERYTHING on my own through all my obstacles, I am not where I want to be but I am getting there, I have stuck through college to get a better career for myself, I have all the things I need in life, I do not live off welfare (although I did when I was 18 and had my first son, but I used it for maybe 2 year until i got through my first 2 years of college, I do not use drugs, drink and I have never been a "loose" woman. She on the other hand, has been living off the state assistance for 8 years, has never gone further than waitressing or fast food, doesnt even have a valid licsense, has a sever drinking problem which she thinks is CUTE, dropped out of college not once but twice, has had uncountable men run through her, she has a foul attitude and mouth on her like no woman should have, she is down right trashy. She is just evil, God does not have a place in her life and I think that is what the problem is. Anyway....my point being, before i "GOT IT" I didnt understand why this girl felt like she was better than me or I was jealous of her and I was on a mission to prove my point to her and then I FINALLY figured it out little by little, she thinks she is above me because I allow her to, I give her the time of day, i let her bother me, I respond to her provoking, I acknowledge her. I was doing it bc I wanted to prove a point to her (or maybe myself), IM NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOU but I was actually doing the opposite, showing i WAS worried. Whether it is "common sense" or not, its a hard battle to fight! Some people arent as strong willed as others I suppose.

[meandmine]

Jaylady-this is very true...too bad that cant be figure out from the get go more often

[truthbtold]

Sept 10, 2013 9:21:52 GMT -5 meandmine said:

truthbtold-It may very well seem like common sense and although I cant speak for others, it took me a long while to get the point that I dont need to have the last word or PROVE anything to her, I mean I knew that all along but I had this stubborn stupidity in my head that I needed to prove to this chic that she wasnt a threat to me, in fact I couldnt figure out why she felt she really was. I want to make a point quickly and I hope it isnt taken wrong bc I am only stating facts right now and do not EVER think I am better than anyone else. I look at her and I look at me, neither her or I had great upbringings or were well off, I however, have done EVERYTHING on my own through all my obstacles, I am not where I want to be but I am getting there, I have stuck through college to get a better career for myself, I have all the things I need in life, I do not live off welfare (although I did when I was 18 and had my first son, but I used it for maybe 2 year until i got through my first 2 years of college, I do not use drugs, drink and I have never been a "loose" woman. She on the other hand, has been living off the state assistance for 8 years, has never gone further than waitressing or fast food, doesnt even have a valid licsense, has a sever drinking problem which she thinks is CUTE, dropped out of college not once but twice, has had uncountable men run through her, she has a foul attitude and mouth on her like no woman should have, she is down right trashy. She is just evil, God does not have a place in her life and I think that is what the problem is. Anyway....my point being, before i "GOT IT" I didnt understand why this girl felt like she was better than me or I was jealous of her and I was on a mission to prove my point to her and then I FINALLY figured it out little by little, she thinks she is above me because I allow her to, I give her the time of day, i let her bother me, I respond to her provoking, I acknowledge her. I was doing it bc I wanted to prove a point to her (or maybe myself), IM NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOU but I was actually doing the opposite, showing i WAS worried. Whether it is "common sense" or not, its a hard battle to fight! Some people arent as strong willed as others I suppose.

I totally agree, amongst other contributing factors, but the maturation process is very different for everyone. The key is getting to a point sooner rather than later that one is not going to engage in these types of pointless, draining games with someone that really has nothing to do with you. You seem to have "gotten it" and also recognize where you went wrong. You definitely had and appears perhaps, to still have some internal issues going on though. Honestly, highlighting the differences between you both seems a bit more self-serving as it really did not serve a purpose in illustrating your point. This is just my opinion. If she thought, for whatever reason that she was "better" than you, so what? Focus on proving things in life where it really matters. Similarly to you as far as going through your own insecurities about the situation and doing what you had to do to make yourself feel better, she probably was doing same thinking she had one up on you because your man cheated on you with her. Her not really understanding, that his actions doesn't make her special. To me, this is really not uncommon in these situations but it is very silly. You stated that whether it is "common sense" or not, it is a hard battle to fight. Once you make up your mind, it really doesn't become that hard of a battle to fight. Everyone gets there at different times, if ever and sense is not so common I guess. I think one of the most mind boggling things to me and I have mentioned before, is while these women are "going at," the man just be chillin' or whatever he is doing, but certainly never seem to be involved or even emotionally invested the way the women are and they don't have anything to do with one another Degrading and embarrassing.

[meandmine]

Honestly, highlighting the differences between you both seems a bit more self-serving as it really did not serve a purpose in illustrating your point.

**I can see why you would say that which is why I tried to point out that this was not my intentions at all, I was just trying to share exactly what was going through my head while I was doing this going back and forth with her and that I wasnt just saying I was "better" than her, my point was I KNEW she wasnt better than me deep down bc these were her actions taken in life and she is proud of that, I on the other hand am a different type of person

secondly in my case, my husband hasnt sat back and not been involved, instead every time he TRIES to get involved and focus on the kids, she turns it around to bashing me in every way she can. He does NOT do drama, he will not entertain it at all and gets frustrated that I do. His BM cannot have a decent, civil conversation so therefore he backs off all together

[meandmine]

I admit however, my reaction to the mess was due to insecurities-Perhaps thats what is behind ALL BMD

[jaylady999]

It is easy to slide down that slippery slope. But like Truth said, once you master not giving the BM energy, it just becomes easy. Really really easy. I am very happy that you are where you are with your sitch, but I do believe you have a way to go. Mainly because you took the time to actually compare your life to hers. Her life should be irrelevant to you, and pretty soon, it will be. I definitely see you are on your way to BM freedom. It's a great place to be, I promise!! ;D

[meandmine]

I actually agree 1000%. I DO have a ways to go still and you're right in everything you stated. I hope it doesnt take me too much longer to have ZERO care in the world for that situation. See, when I get bored...I used to check out her Facebook bc I know that there would always be something about me there, lies, gossip, just anything to get at me-stories that arent even half true and that would bother me, my husband and I discussed it bc I talk to him about everything and I just closed my account all together bc it can be toxic in certain situations...BOREDOM would always get me looking at that nonsense. I feel good about where Im at and know that I am growing and getting out of the circle of hell with her. Thank you for your positive words!

[jaylady999]

No problem!!! It is so easy to find the solution to an issue when people in general realize the only actions they can control are their own. So harping on the BM and why she does this or why she does that is futile. It doesn't matter why. The only thing that matters is how you respond to the nonsense, or don't respond to it all all You'll be fine!!