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Post by 2old4stress on Oct 7, 2013 13:54:00 GMT -5
I have read a lot of the posts that state if the Wife or GF do not involve themselves in the situation with the BM then there would be no drama...My situation is maybe a little different, My husband has always been a great dad who loves ALL his kids (ours & theirs) but BM has a HARD time putting her focus the relationship between him and their children, instead her focus goes to downgrading me, bad talking me, or if her mood is right it will be the opposite, she will downgrade him and be civil with me-she can NEVER be on good terms with BOTH of us at the same time. Its like her main focus is literally trying to create problems. ANYTIME he tries to see their kids or talk to them, she instead directs the conversation to ME! Its been going on for YEARS now and he CAN NOT get through to her but then she will call at like 11 pm stating, your kids miss you and want to talk to you but you are not answering the phone, you know where to find me if you want to see them. He refuses to go to her home bc it turns into drama as usual. I have tried to make peace with her bc I know its the kids who are suffering but the nicer I am to her, the more evil she gets! No joke! The ONLY reason I have tried to even talk to her or make peace with her is bc her focus is always on ME and she blames ME for her kids not being in their dads life even though he and I know its only bc she keeps this hostility going. Funny thing is, she was never even in a long term relationship with him so its not like I came in and rained in her parade. I was with him and then we split for a few years and then he ended up having a kids with her and we got back together years later. We had a child first and then she did. Its such a mess!
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Post by truthbtold on Oct 7, 2013 14:40:52 GMT -5
I have read a lot of the posts that state if the Wife or GF do not involve themselves in the situation with the BM then there would be no drama...My situation is maybe a little different, My husband has always been a great dad who loves ALL his kids (ours & theirs) but BM has a HARD time putting her focus the relationship between him and their children, instead her focus goes to downgrading me, bad talking me, or if her mood is right it will be the opposite, she will downgrade him and be civil with me-she can NEVER be on good terms with BOTH of us at the same time. Its like her main focus is literally trying to create problems. ANYTIME he tries to see their kids or talk to them, she instead directs the conversation to ME! Its been going on for YEARS now and he CAN NOT get through to her but then she will call at like 11 pm stating, your kids miss you and want to talk to you but you are not answering the phone, you know where to find me if you want to see them. He refuses to go to her home bc it turns into drama as usual. I have tried to make peace with her bc I know its the kids who are suffering but the nicer I am to her, the more evil she gets! No joke! The ONLY reason I have tried to even talk to her or make peace with her is bc her focus is always on ME and she blames ME for her kids not being in their dads life even though he and I know its only bc she keeps this hostility going. Funny thing is, she was never even in a long term relationship with him so its not like I came in and rained in her parade. I was with him and then we split for a few years and then he ended up having a kids with her and we got back together years later. We had a child first and then she did. Its such a mess! Based on what you wrote, your situation is not that different than many others out there in the world. Your first sentence regarding the responses, still stands. I think you are misunderstanding. One important thing to get out of the way and this is in general, we cannot stop people from talking about us, etc. It's just not humanly possible and not worth the energy getting worked up over it. Like they say, "a person's opinion of you is really none of your business." Setting that aside, you truthfully do not have drama. You wanting to keep the peace by being nicer to her shouldn't even be an issue as you really shouldn't be having contact with her. That's our main point when it comes to reducing/eliminating the drama. They were not in a long term relationship (wait, but don't they have more than one child together?) and your husband has to deal with the consequences of having created children with this person. Not saying her nutty behavior is warranted, but.............this is what can happen. It appears that she cannot accept that you guys are back together. I don't know how old the children are, but he really just needs to continue keeping that as the focus. Make the visitation plans and that's it. If she starts yapping, hang up on her or whatever. Yes, it's annoying and frustrating, etc., for HIM, but again not really your problem thus, no real drama for YOU. This is our main point(s). You have too many posters seeking advice and they are all up in the situation (Facebook friends, contributing to the mess, etc.), and absorbing problems that are not theirs. Focus on your own kids. |
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Post by 2old4stress on Oct 7, 2013 15:47:07 GMT -5
Based on what you wrote, your situation is not that different than many others out there in the world. Your first sentence regarding the responses, still stands. I think you are misunderstanding. One important thing to get out of the way and this is in general, we cannot stop people from talking about us, etc. It's just not humanly possible and not worth the energy getting worked up over it. Like they say, "a person's opinion of you is really none of your business." Setting that aside, you truthfully do not have drama. You wanting to keep the peace by being nicer to her shouldn't even be an issue as you really shouldn't be having contact with her. That's our main point when it comes to reducing/eliminating the drama. They were not in a long term relationship (wait, but don't they have more than one child together?) and your husband has to deal with the consequences of having created children with this person. Not saying her nutty behavior is warranted, but.............this is what can happen. It appears that she cannot accept that you guys are back together. I don't know how old the children are, but he really just needs to continue keeping that as the focus. Make the visitation plans and that's it. If she starts yapping, hang up on her or whatever. Yes, it's annoying and frustrating, etc., for HIM, but again not really your problem thus, no real drama for YOU. This is our main point(s). You have too many posters seeking advice and they are all up in the situation (Facebook friends, contributing to the mess, etc.), and absorbing problems that are not theirs. Focus on your own kids. [/quote]
I see what your saying. Yes! They have TWO kids, who are literally like 10 months apart...so yea-self explanitory :/
But I suppose that is true, but the drama just creates such a wedge between the kids and their dad bc my husband RUNS FAR FAR AWAY when he hears nagging or drama. He has heard her mouth for years on end and its so old that he wont even deal with her so anyway I guess with that being said, perhaps their kids will have to find their way to their father when they are older, on their own. Like you said, its really not my concern. I just always want to help it all for the sake of those kids bc I know I could easily deal with her and not have an issue, its her with the permanent issue which I find odd. LOL anyway....I guess it is what it will be. Thanks!
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Post by truthbtold on Oct 7, 2013 17:24:46 GMT -5
"I see what your saying. Yes! They have TWO kids, who are literally like 10 months apart...so yea-self explanitory :/
But I suppose that is true, but the drama just creates such a wedge between the kids and their dad bc my husband RUNS FAR FAR AWAY when he hears nagging or drama. He has heard her mouth for years on end and its so old that he wont even deal with her so anyway I guess with that being said, perhaps their kids will have to find their way to their father when they are older, on their own. Like you said, its really not my concern. I just always want to help it all for the sake of those kids bc I know I could easily deal with her and not have an issue, its her with the permanent issue which I find odd. LOL anyway....I guess it is what it will be. Thanks"
Men and women really need to make better decisions as it relates to one another with respect to expectations, desires, and honesty in relationships, as well as, procreating with people that you really don't want to be with. It's beyond ridiculous.
She will tire herself out one day......hopefully, sooner than later. I don't know what he "promised" her or what she thought they had going on relationship wise, but both need to take responsibility for their choices. Well, more so her I guess at this point as she seems to be having some issues. She is in part, probably upset (contingent upon if one practices self-accountability of course) with herself and directing it towards him. Maybe I am too controlling when it comes to myself, but I just cannot see giving someone that much power over me and for years on end at that. Find healing and closure, grow up, and move the hell on with yours. I will never understand people at all.
Yes, your husband has that option to try and reconnect with his kids at another time in their lives, but surely will have to explain why that came to be. I know that can be a slippery slope for some parents because they don't want to bad mouth the other parent, etc. I guess it depends on delivery and their age. He will have to make that determination. I know the word nagging is defined differently and thrown around, so I don't know what she is doing to nag. Men tend to perceive a lot as nagging. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. Not necessarily a reason to high tale it, but again he will have to make that decision.
"I just always want to help it all for the sake of those kids bc I know I could easily deal with her and not have an issue,"
Yeah, women always want to help. Yada, yada, yada. Funk that. It is what it is which is, none of your concern. You did say though, that she will start turning on him when being civil with you, because she cannot or chooses not to be civil with you two at the same time. It wouldn't even make sense.
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Post by 2cents on Oct 7, 2013 20:16:43 GMT -5
I happen to disagree with the posters here. A marriage creates a unit of oneness and the "step" parent does have a cpart in these situations. Matter of fact, I see any resentment or bitterness toward that idea of interaction results from jealousy, immaturity, a sense of needing to be in control, etc. I see it as a lack of confidence in ones own role in the blended family, whether it be one the parenting end or the failed relationship. Only anger or bitterness which all stems from a bad place results in these resentful reactions. Ive studied family psychology and am currently in my 4th year, working toward my masters. These issues are surfaced and disected on a routine basis during our lecture and the University I attend. I enjoy helping out when my perspective fits the mold.
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Post by jaylady999 on Oct 7, 2013 20:53:12 GMT -5
And that's fine....until it begins to cause ME stress. At that point, DH can handle his own BM. I have no point to prove to her. I have no interest in her whatsoever.
As Truth said, some of this is SMs bringing all the drama on themselves when they don't have to and then have the nerve to complain about it.
BD got married years ago. It didn't have a thing to do with me. She could have thought they were one, and really they were, in all areas except for where it concerned MY child. You can't make a nuclear family out of a blended family situation and it seems disingenuous for any SM to even try to do so.
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Post by truthbtold on Oct 7, 2013 21:01:37 GMT -5
I happen to disagree with the posters here. A marriage creates a unit of oneness and the "step" parent does have a cpart in these situations. Matter of fact, I see any resentment or bitterness toward that idea of interaction results from jealousy, immaturity, a sense of needing to be in control, etc. I see it as a lack of confidence in ones own role in the blended family, whether it be one the parenting end or the failed relationship. Only anger or bitterness which all stems from a bad place results in these resentful reactions. Ive studied family psychology and am currently in my 4th year, working toward my masters. These issues are surfaced and disected on a routine basis during our lecture and the University I attend. I enjoy helping out when my perspective fits the mold. *confused @ underlined* In any event, thank you for the armchair analysis and diagnosis. Personally, I am not impressed nor swayed by your "credentials" and posturing. The concept of "step-parenting"......whatever. We have never stated that a wife should not support her husband..........you know like in a supporting role. That in no way shape or form means for the "step-parent" to usurp the role of the biological parent or put themselves on the front line for affairs that really has nothing to do with them. Advice and insight offered here is for reducing or eliminating the drama that many women find themselves in, due to various reasons. All that you spewed has to do with what exactly? It is not equal entitlement or responsibility under the guise of "oneness." Sorry.   |
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