My Baby Momma Story - Iks!

[thegoodgirl]

I have not dated a man with children so the baby momma drama is new to me. I started dating a man a couple months ago who has an "ex" who he claimed was a man trapper and tricked him into getting her pregnant (she claimed she could not get pregnant but changed her diet and 'surprise'!) He also told me he didn't marry her because she was lazy (living off of welfare, food stamps, and financial aid), a sloppy hoarder, and a tease (she likes to hang out in front of people topless to show off her boobs). They have a five year old girl together and have shared custody.

I gave him a chance since we had common interests, but it soon became apparent that she still played a major role in his life - the opposite of what he led me to believe. She constantly posts photo albums of her, him, and their daughter, tagging, commenting, and sharing away. One of the last ones was over the top - it was a picture of their daughter with the comment, "Look what a beautiful thing we made together". He willingly shared her photo albums but did not share the one I sent him.

A friend saw them together at a local music festival and told me what they saw - him, her, and their daughter together enjoying the event as a family. He led me to believe he was only taking his daughter and omitted the part about spending the day with the ex as well. This was a flag that I had been played.

I finally contacted her to see what the deal is with them (thinking they were broken up) but she told me they are still "very close", the sex with him is "fun", and that we (me and him) have nothing in common (I have no clue why she would say such a thing since we have never met therefore how does she know anything about me unless he talked to her about me? He finally fessed up and told me they are close but he hangs out with her for his daughters sake and to make the ex laugh. I think this is bs given what he had first led me to believe and how he did not like her. He still gets his mail delivered to her house, they hang out as a family unit, and from the looks of it - she decides who he should date.

When I confronted with this he took the baby momma's side and we broke up. I then realized that the relationship I was in involved three people instead of two as I was led to believe. Now I'm afraid to date any man with kids since I'm afraid of a territorial baby momma drama. Any advice is appreciated.

[truthbtold]

Oct 11, 2013 20:59:22 GMT -5 @thegoodgirl said:

I have not dated a man with children so the baby momma drama is new to me. I started dating a man a couple months ago who has an "ex" who he claimed was a man trapper and tricked him into getting her pregnant (she claimed she could not get pregnant but changed her diet and 'surprise'!) He also told me he didn't marry her because she was lazy (living off of welfare, food stamps, and financial aid), a sloppy hoarder, and a tease (she likes to hang out in front of people topless to show off her boobs). They have a five year old girl together and have shared custody.

I gave him a chance since we had common interests, but it soon became apparent that she still played a major role in his life - the opposite of what he led me to believe. She constantly posts photo albums of her, him, and their daughter, tagging, commenting, and sharing away. One of the last ones was over the top - it was a picture of their daughter with the comment, "Look what a beautiful thing we made together". He willingly shared her photo albums but did not share the one I sent him.

A friend saw them together at a local music festival and told me what they saw - him, her, and their daughter together enjoying the event as a family. He led me to believe he was only taking his daughter and omitted the part about spending the day with the ex as well. This was a flag that I had been played.

I finally contacted her to see what the deal is with them (thinking they were broken up) but she told me they are still "very close", the sex with him is "fun", and that we (me and him) have nothing in common (I have no clue why she would say such a thing since we have never met therefore how does she know anything about me unless he talked to her about me? He finally fessed up and told me they are close but he hangs out with her for his daughters sake and to make the ex laugh. I think this is bs given what he had first led me to believe and how he did not like her. He still gets his mail delivered to her house, they hang out as a family unit, and from the looks of it - she decides who he should date.

When I confronted with this he took the baby momma's side and we broke up. I then realized that the relationship I was in involved three people instead of two as I was led to believe. Now I'm afraid to date any man with kids since I'm afraid of a territorial baby momma drama. Any advice is appreciated.

Did he really allow the words "man trapper" to come out of his mouth and yet proceeded to explain why he didn't marry her because of all of her wonderful characteristics, but still had a child with her . HUGE *side-eye*. In any event, if you do not have any children of your own, I strongly advise you to NOT get involved with a man with kid(s). Leave yourself available for a child-free man. It is not worth it. Don't settle for the drama and nonsense. I am not saying that every situation is drama, but I am confident that most are. Not only that, it really isn't worth the time to test out different situations. There are just too many challenges and dynamics to those situations and don't let people tell you otherwise. Move on.

[thegoodgirl]

Thank you for your response and insight. To answer your question, yes he did say that she trapped him into a pregnancy and then complained about how she preferred to not work and have the tax payers support her since she was too lazy to work (he pays child support and she is on welfare and receives financial aid for school). I suppose his telling me this was to explain why he chose to not marry her since I never asked and he offered the details? I should also explain that all the photo sharing goes on through Facebook - it's as if she owns his page with all the shared and tagged photos. From the looks of it anyone would believe they were a couple (as they are commonly mistaken for given all the signals they put out implying this - both admit to this although in the beginning he led me to believe that the only time they spent together was when he had to drop off or pick up the child - implying that they did not spend time together socially like they do).

My question to others out there in such a situation - had you known then what you know now, would you never have gotten involved with a man who has children? Was it worth it or not given the baby momma drama that came with it? Will you still date a man with children and if so, what guidelines would have to be set in place to make you feel okay with the situation?

[truthbtold]

Oct 12, 2013 17:24:36 GMT -5 @thegoodgirl said:

Thank you for your response and insight. To answer your question, yes he did say that she trapped him into a pregnancy and then complained about how she preferred to not work and have the tax payers support her since she was too lazy to work (he pays child support and she is on welfare and receives financial aid for school). I suppose his telling me this was to explain why he chose to not marry her since I never asked and he offered the details? I should also explain that all the photo sharing goes on through Facebook - it's as if she owns his page with all the shared and tagged photos. From the looks of it anyone would believe they were a couple (as they are commonly mistaken for given all the signals they put out implying this - both admit to this although in the beginning he led me to believe that the only time they spent together was when he had to drop off or pick up the child - implying that they did not spend time together socially like they do).

My question to others out there in such a situation - had you known then what you know now, would you never have gotten involved with a man who has children? Was it worth it or not given the baby momma drama that came with it? Will you still date a man with children and if so, what guidelines would have to be set in place to make you feel okay with the situation?

Hi and you are welcome. I hope others will offer their honest honest perspectives. Jaylady, get in here LOL. I will say this to continue engaging your concerns, you have to be totally honest about what you want. If you are still open to the idea of dating men with children, then using your own common sense, what would be your boundaries and limitations? While getting insight on this matter is beneficial, it is still ultimately an individual choice. Advice, insight, responses, etc., offered here is getting many of these posters to reduce/eliminate the drama from their lives chiefly but just not engaging the BM on any level. Stay out of the front line as it relates to affairs that don't concern the new woman. Nonetheless, by proxy when dealing with a man with child(ren), the "drama" is around your life in some capacity whether it is him wanting to vent if he is that type of man, etc. Personally, I don't think it is worth it especially for a child-free person, but to each his or her own. Do you have children? I don't necessarily want to assume, but there are those that with their own kids still don't want to deal with someone else's baggage. Yes, it's very true.

Some things to seriously consider:

If you don't have children, do you want any of your own?
Would you mind potentially sharing the same father to your child with another woman or other women?

What type of lifestyle do you currently live?

Although, you do not have to, many women that get into these situations automatically take on some sort of caretaker role? Are you okay with that?

Do you want to share your man with another woman? Him having to co-parent for many years and have a bond with another woman or women for a lifetime?

Are you not put off by other people's kid(s)? Etc., etc.,

These are things to consider.

The dude you were seeing doesn't appear to have been through with his BM or if he believed that he was, there were no clear boundaries and that is a chief complaint on behalf of the new girlfriends. Being Facebook friends with exes is not a good idea to me, children or not. Must have been his conscious or something to have offered up those details to you as why he didn't marry her considering you did not ask him

[jaylady999]

I finally contacted her to see what the deal is with them (thinking they were broken up)

Just...why? I know it is water under the bridge now, but contacting her was the last thing you should have done. No answer she would have given you would have been the right answer. And it did nothing but show her that you were second guessing your relationship, thus giving her more confidence in her position.


but she told me they are still "very close", the sex with him is "fun",

I wouldn't have expected her to say anything less. Seriously.

and that we (me and him) have nothing in common (I have no clue why she would say such a thing since we have never met therefore how does she know anything about me unless he talked to her about me?

This was my first guess. Either he is discussing her with you or she is calling your bluff. If she is calling your bluff, you put her in the position to do so by calling her. I am not a fan of BM and GFs having conversations like this. And your phone call with her is the exact reason why.

He finally fessed up and told me they are close but he hangs out with her for his daughters sake and to make the ex laugh.

[b]Wow, he couldn't come up with anything better than this??[/b][/color]

I think this is bs given what he had first led me to believe and how he did not like her. He still gets his mail delivered to her house, they hang out as a family unit, and from the looks of it - she decides who he should date.

As usual, the problem is not the BM. It's the BD, i.e. your boyfriend. This dude sounds like he is not at all being upfront about his dealings with the BM. You are in the best position here. You are only 2 months in. Your emotions cannot possibly be that much invested in this dude. I'd exit stage left and keep it movin. My personal opinion.

When I confronted with this he took the baby momma's side and we broke up. I then realized that the relationship I was in involved three people instead of two as I was led to believe. Now I'm afraid to date any man with kids since I'm afraid of a territorial baby momma drama. Any advice is appreciated.

Honestly? IMO dating a man with children is not the issue. The issue is dating a man with children who are still involved with the BM. If the man is on garbage, he'll be on garbage with or without children. If he's a good man, he'll be good to you with or without children.

I do believe though, that if I didn't have any children, I'd likely set my sights on a man with no children as well because I probably wouldn't be familiar with situations where children(note: NOT THE BM) do come first before the relationship at times.

[truthbtold]

jaylady wrote,

"I do believe though, that if I didn't have any children, I'd likely set my sights on a man with no children as well because I probably wouldn't be familiar with situations where children(note: NOT THE BM) do come first before the relationship at times."




Yes Jay, I forgot about that one. Very important consideration.

[Tellit]

"Honestly? IMO dating a man with children is not the issue. The issue is dating a man with children who are still involved with the BM. If the man is on garbage, he'll be on garbage with or without children. If he's a good man, he'll be good to you with or without children. "

Totally agree.

She got involved with a man who has unfinished business with his so-called ex. That is the problem.

But, if she is does not have any children, I would suggest that she try to find a man without any children because dealing with a man with other children can be a lot of work. Especially if the ex is still carrying a torch for the BD or vice versa.

[thegoodgirl]

Hi Jaylady & Truthbtold,

Thanks for your response - to answer your questions I contacted her since when I asked the BD about the nature of his relationship with the BM he would stonewall me or answer the question with a question - never a direct 'yes or no' answer. Like when he told me that BM likes to hang out topless around people I asked him if she goes naked in front of him. His response, "Define 'naked'". (game playing). My intuition kicked in telling me something was off - and if he was not going to tell me the truth perhaps BM would (this is just after my friend spotted them together as a family at a local event that he led me to believe he was taking only his daughter to). At this point from all the facebook posts I began to think that they may still be involved - in which case I would never pursue the relationship with the BD any further. If a man is spoken for - I will not date him - period. I had no idea BM would be so catty upon contacting her.

And no - he could not come up with anything better than his reason to hang out with her is because she likes his jokes. I found that really lame too.

Yeah - I am rather turned off by the whole BM scene from what little I experienced with these two. I work with kids but do not have children of my own. I only dated this guy since he led me to believe he and the BM were over and done. Then I learned the truth - from her - before he finally fessed up about them still being very close. Her response took me rather off guard - especially the sex comment and us not having anything in common... I had no idea what I was getting involved in given what he led me to believe.

You've both brought up some good points for reflection... thank you for taking the time to help! : )

[truthbtold]

Oct 12, 2013 21:46:07 GMT -5 jaylady999 said:

Honestly? IMO dating a man with children is not the issue. The issue is dating a man with children who are still involved with the BM. If the man is on garbage, he'll be on garbage with or without children. If he's a good man, he'll be good to you with or without children.




I have to disagree, a man's actual children can still be an issue because some women are not interested in dealing with other people's children regardless of age as we know, at any stage/age can bring about problems. I do agree though about those men who are still involved with BM or don't have clear boundaries. That is definitely an issue, because some women are on the fence and can be swayed if the man is truly detached from the BM. A woman's aversion to a man with children can be the result of a combination of reasons. The argument is not whether a man is automatically a "bad man" because he has children, because anyone can be "good" or "bad," but the issue is whether that type of baggage is one a woman wants to accept in her life. It's a person's free will, preferences, desires, requirements, and choices when it comes to a mate. Some people are not attracted/do not desire short people, tall people, Black people, White people, atheists, religious people, etc, and a person with children would go on that criteria list.

[Tellit]

Oct 13, 2013 22:07:57 GMT -5 @truthbtold said:

Oct 12, 2013 21:46:07 GMT -5 jaylady999 said:

Honestly? IMO dating a man with children is not the issue. The issue is dating a man with children who are still involved with the BM. If the man is on garbage, he'll be on garbage with or without children. If he's a good man, he'll be good to you with or without children.


I get what Jay is saying. She isn't discounting that children can be an issue but in this poster's issue, it appears as though the problem IS the BD still being involved with the BM. The BD is not honest. Lack of honesty would be an issue whether or not he had children or not. Even if there were no children involved, if he was having an inappropriate relationship with another woman, there would still be drama. In short, the BD is lying dog.

The poster should thank her lucky stars that she recognized the signs of a liar. She felt that something was not right, especially after what her friend told her she saw. Hopefully the poster will be able to walk away and not look back because the BD is a liar and a cheat.

I have to disagree, a man's actual children can still be an issue because some women are not interested in dealing with other people's children regardless of age as we know, at any stage/age can bring about problems. I do agree though about those men who are still involved with BM or don't have clear boundaries. That is definitely an issue, because some women are on the fence and can be swayed if the man is truly detached from the BM. A woman's aversion to a man with children can be the result of a combination of reasons. The argument is not whether a man is automatically a "bad man" because he has children, because anyone can be "good" or "bad," but the issue is whether that type of baggage is one a woman wants to accept in her life. It's a person's free will, preferences, desires, requirements, and choices when it comes to a mate. Some people are not attracted/do not desire short people, tall people, Black people, White people, atheists, religious people, etc, and a person with children would go on that criteria list.

[truthbtold]

Tellit wrote,
I get what Jay is saying. She isn't discounting that children can be an issue but in this poster's issue, it appears as though the problem IS the BD still being involved with the BM. The BD is not honest. Lack of honesty would be an issue whether or not he had children or not. Even if there were no children involved, if he was having an inappropriate relationship with another woman, there would still be drama. In short, the BD is lying dog.

The poster should thank her lucky stars that she recognized the signs of a liar. She felt that something was not right, especially after what her friend told her she saw. Hopefully the poster will be able to walk away and not look back because the BD is a liar and a cheat. Absolutely.






Sis, I agree that the BD is a lying dog for sure however, jay's response was more generalized and appears to be a direct response to the OP's questions/concerns about dating men with children. Based on what you wrote as well, my statement still stands as it is conflating two different issues. Further illustrated by yours, mines, and jay's response that setting sights on a man without children would be better.

[thegoodgirl]

Hi ladies,

So what are some appropriate and healthy boundaries for a BD to have established with the BM to respect one's current relationship with a significant other for future reference? What questions would you ask a BD about the BM early on to decide whether or not a relationship is worth pursuing? Also, what are some red flags?

[jaylady999]

So what are some appropriate and healthy boundaries for a BD to have established with the BM to respect one's current relationship with a significant other for future reference? What questions would you ask a BD about the BM early on to decide whether or not a relationship is worth pursuing? Also, what are some red flags?

I am not sure that I would "ask" anything in particular, but would more watch how they interact with each other. For me, I think big red flags would be him not doing anything with the child without the BMs involvement, BM calling to talk to him about things that have nothing to do with the child, how late she calls, even if it IS about the child(assuming its not an emergency, etc). I think one of the biggest tell tale signs is, regardless of how ignorant a BM is, how does he handle it??

[Tellit]

"I am not sure that I would "ask" anything in particular, but would more watch how they interact with each other. For me, I think big red flags would be him not doing anything with the child without the BMs involvement, BM calling to talk to him about things that have nothing to do with the child, how late she calls, even if it IS about the child(assuming its not an emergency, etc). I think one of the biggest tell tale signs is, regardless of how ignorant a BM is, how does he handle it??"

I agree. I would look at how BD interacts with the BM when the GF is around. Does he take the call into the next room? Does he let the call go to vmx so as not to talk in front of the GF? Are their conversations about the child? Does the BM act as though she has some ownership of the BD or vice versa?

BD has to have clear boundaries such as no phone calls after a certain time unless in an emergency. No "hanging out" with the BM & the kid. BD should be able to exercise parenting time without the BM being involved. How much control does the BM appear to have of the BD? Is BM dictating the time BD spends with the kid...Meaning, does BM call and simply say, "I am bring the child over" with no regard for what the BD's plans may be?

I like COs. I know Jay will disagree but when there is no CO, the BM usually holds all of the power and if she is vengeful or mean-spirited, she will try to use the power to control the BD and any relationship he may have with another woman. Not all BMs are that way but no CO opens the BD up for such action.

[jaylady999]

I like COs. I know Jay will disagree but when there is no CO, the BM usually holds all of the power

Oh I don't disagree. I know with no CO, I absolutely do hold all of the power.

and if she is vengeful or mean-spirited, she will try to use the power to control the BD and any relationship he may have with another woman. Not all BMs are that way but no CO opens the BD up for such action.

I totally agree. As you know, having no CO works for me and BD because neither of us have a hidden agenda. It has always been about what is best for our son. So it does work for us. However, as a BD, there is no way in hell I'd ever raise a kid with no CO, not even if the BM that I was dealing with was like me. It is far too much risk for a BD to take.