Trying to forgive...

[Me Myself and I]

How do I remove myself from the situation, so it is no longer toxic, without actually removing myself from my mans life?

There is so much history behind this... but to start...

I have some hate directed me. True, unabashed hatred. For the first time in my life, I am having to contend with negative energy, so intense, I at times want to do nothing more than retaliate. It has been an honest to goodness lesson in forgiveness, one of which I have yet to master despite all my efforts. However, selfishly- I thank her, because this is exactly the type of life lesson I need in order to become more centered spiritually.

This woman (aka baby mama) has her reasons, to which I won't divulge for matters of privacy... However, because I stood up for my man... and to protect the chance of the furtherance of a relationship with the son they share, she hates me.

It's been over 10 months since this even transpired, and her hatred has not diminished. I have tried reasoning with her to no avail via writing her emails, to which she responded to with such vial, rudeness, it disgusted me. I have tried to ignore her to no avail. Unfortunately, I live 2 blocks from by boyfriend, and she lives right between us. She still see's it necessary to stand on the side of the road spewing hatred in my direction whenever I pass. She has said things to me through correspondence that no woman should ever berate another woman with, and I question how her conscious could even allow her to do it... However, perhaps she's never lost a child and therefore I could never expect her to relate to the issues I face on the daily.

In any sense:

1) She doesn't know me. I don't know her. I don't know all of her life stories, just as she doesn't know mine. I am sure there has been much pain, disappointment and sadness in her life that have attributed to her anger and inability to forgive and forget. Yet for some reason, she continues to feed her negativity, instead of looking to heal... while I cannot judge her for that... I cannot understand it. This wouldn't even be an issue to me if it wasn't for the verbal attacks launched in my direction in passing based on her assumptions about me... I bite my tongue each time as her words act like a swarm of negativity that infects me with such rage I momentarily lose my sanity- however I am strong enough in self to stand aside to let my egotistical thoughts pass without acting out, knowing that what I do and say will leave an imprinted impression on not only her, but her children.

How to I deal with her hatred without embodying hatred in return?

2) That is what angers me the most. Each time in passing, she has her children in tow. She has a daughter who is around 13. This woman, in front of her children, has called me a cow and has asked her children if they think I am pregnant or just fat. I cannot morally comprehend how she believes that this is okay to do in front of her children. Again, I know this woman doesn't and can't know what kind of ailments I face in life, or what health issues I face- but through example, she is teaching her children that bullying is okay. I hope to God, her daughter never faces any sort of physical issue that makes her feel like she is a cow or is too fat for her mothers approval. I hope that her children have other influential adults in their life that have taught them that judgement, bullying, and torment are wrong- no matter the situation. There is no time or place for any of the latter. It saddens me to see women behaving in such a way- but when done in front of their children, it disgusts me.

I love the man I'm with, and want nothing more than for him to be able to have a close relationship with his son despite what the baby mama tries to say. My issue is that she just can't keep the peace... All would be well enough, and civil if she could just leave well enough alone. I feel like she's testing me, and I'm tired of it... It isn't healthy for me, can't be healthy for her, and worse of all- cannot be any good for all of her children.

Any advice from experience?

[Me Myself and I]

Sorry- just wanted to add to my post....

My belief is that if I remove myself from the situation, and not involve myself with her and the dealings she has with my man, that things will simmer down....

But they aren't...

From the start- it was her who involved me by contacting me through Facebook. All was copacetic in the start, until she found out my man brought her son around to meet me without her approval... which evolved into much more drama...I can completely understand her frustration and anger towards the situation. She then wouldn't let him see his son, and was putting blame on me, which is why I reached out via email to her... and that only fueled the fire...

I get why the blame is put all on me... and not on BD... it's easier to hate me then him...

So, I'm still trying to keep myself uninvolved as much as I can. When my man mentions her, I keep all my feelings in check, and never, ever allow my insecurities or emotions get in the way with his relationship with his son... I try to be supportive, and listen to him.

I feel that the two of them still need to find a place through healing, which will allow them to co-parent better, and be a strong foundation for the growth of their son.

Them if mine and my mans relationship progresses further, when his son is old enough, he can decide if he wants me in his life or not- but for now, I am staying clear.

It's just dealing with her unwillingness to stop, or to move past the drama that has me here writing all this... I don't even want to involve my man by telling him, for fear that it will rock what already shaky relationship they have right now...

I think... the hardest part... is respect. I so badly just want to respect her as being the mother of my mans son. However when she acts like she has been, in such an immature manner, I can't...

[truthbtold]

Dec 23, 2013 15:19:54 GMT -5 @Me Myself and I said:

How do I remove myself from the situation, so it is no longer toxic, without actually removing myself from my mans life?

There is so much history behind this... but to start...

I have some hate directed me. True, unabashed hatred. For the first time in my life, I am having to contend with negative energy, so intense, I at times want to do nothing more than retaliate. It has been an honest to goodness lesson in forgiveness, one of which I have yet to master despite all my efforts. However, selfishly- I thank her, because this is exactly the type of life lesson I need in order to become more centered spiritually.

This woman (aka baby mama) has her reasons, to which I won't divulge for matters of privacy... However, because I stood up for my man... and to protect the chance of the furtherance of a relationship with the son they share, she hates me.

It's been over 10 months since this even transpired, and her hatred has not diminished. I have tried reasoning with her to no avail via writing her emails, to which she responded to with such vial, rudeness, it disgusted me. I have tried to ignore her to no avail. Unfortunately, I live 2 blocks from by boyfriend, and she lives right between us. She still see's it necessary to stand on the side of the road spewing hatred in my direction whenever I pass. She has said things to me through correspondence that no woman should ever berate another woman with, and I question how her conscious could even allow her to do it... However, perhaps she's never lost a child and therefore I could never expect her to relate to the issues I face on the daily.

In any sense:

1) She doesn't know me. I don't know her. I don't know all of her life stories, just as she doesn't know mine. I am sure there has been much pain, disappointment and sadness in her life that have attributed to her anger and inability to forgive and forget. Yet for some reason, she continues to feed her negativity, instead of looking to heal... while I cannot judge her for that... I cannot understand it. This wouldn't even be an issue to me if it wasn't for the verbal attacks launched in my direction in passing based on her assumptions about me... I bite my tongue each time as her words act like a swarm of negativity that infects me with such rage I momentarily lose my sanity- however I am strong enough in self to stand aside to let my egotistical thoughts pass without acting out, knowing that what I do and say will leave an imprinted impression on not only her, but her children.

How to I deal with her hatred without embodying hatred in return?

2) That is what angers me the most. Each time in passing, she has her children in tow. She has a daughter who is around 13. This woman, in front of her children, has called me a cow and has asked her children if they think I am pregnant or just fat. I cannot morally comprehend how she believes that this is okay to do in front of her children. Again, I know this woman doesn't and can't know what kind of ailments I face in life, or what health issues I face- but through example, she is teaching her children that bullying is okay. I hope to God, her daughter never faces any sort of physical issue that makes her feel like she is a cow or is too fat for her mothers approval. I hope that her children have other influential adults in their life that have taught them that judgement, bullying, and torment are wrong- no matter the situation. There is no time or place for any of the latter. It saddens me to see women behaving in such a way- but when done in front of their children, it disgusts me.

I love the man I'm with, and want nothing more than for him to be able to have a close relationship with his son despite what the baby mama tries to say. My issue is that she just can't keep the peace... All would be well enough, and civil if she could just leave well enough alone. I feel like she's testing me, and I'm tired of it... It isn't healthy for me, can't be healthy for her, and worse of all- cannot be any good for all of her children.

Any advice from experience?

Regarding your first question, to me, it is two-fold. Either end the relationship with your man or have absolutely no contact with this woman. I understand that out in the street, she is carrying on in a very detrimental and childish manner, but the streets are the streets. Just keep pushing forward and ignoring her. If you have completely ended any contact with her, then whatever drama she is creating is between her and her BD. If you are not fueling it or getting involved in their co-parenting, then it really shouldn't be of concern to you. It's really not drama in that sense.

What is it that they say? Hurt people, hurt people. Nonetheless, we all have our own experiences, testimonies, disappointments, etc. Life has happened to all of us; some worse than others however, our stuff is unique to us. There comes a time in life when a person should want to do better for their own health and progression in life and especially, if they have children. They most certainly have duties and obligations there. Just because a person went through junk, doesn't give him or her a right to be a jerk for the rest of their life. I actually pity those people. They truly have my deepest sympathy, because it must suck to be them at the end of the day. It is a challenge, but try very hard not to let others take you out of character.

You made a comment at underlined above. Without divulging private matters, what exactly do you mean by that? It most certainly suggests that you and/or your man has given her a reason(s) to behave in the manner that she is.

I believe in an effort to "play nice," you are absolutely unnecessarily absorbing issues that are not yours and you seem to have your own burden that you are carrying; your own issues. These types of posts, the bewilderment as to why BM acts the way that she does and why can't we all just get along, yada yada, yada, are a dime a dozen. To the new women, just stop trying to figure it out. Stop getting yourself sick trying to figure out the nonsense. She doesn't have to like you, y'all don't have to be friends, etc., it's just the way that it is and to those that have had contact with the BM at one point, have all lived to regret it. I don't know if there is something unsettled within y'all as the new women that makes y'all act this way and internalize this stuff. It's crazy to me, I will admit.

At the end of the day, we only have control over ourselves. Reality needs to be accepted and you should want it that way. Bottom line is pretty much this, many people make decisions in their lives that will adversely affect them later on (having kid(s) with a less than ideal partner(s) is at the top of the list), and often these individuals come with a lot of baggage; they bring the wrong stuff to the table. A person has an absolute right, at any time, to decide that it's not what they want. People are not owed anything in that capacity. No matter how "good" of a man he is, what's your cut-off? How do you feel about yourself? Are you going to continue getting sick over this? One previous poster mentioned being on anti-depressants over her situation . Nah......that's just crazy. Sorry, times can never be that hard LOL.

[truthbtold]

"My belief is that if I remove myself from the situation, and not involve myself with her and the dealings she has with my man, that things will simmer down.... But they aren't...

How is it not dying down or becoming non-existent as it relates to YOU? I don't understand some of y'all. Let them figure it out.

"From the start- it was her who involved me by contacting me through Facebook."

Oh dear Lord, not another Facebook shenanigan -/. This is just too laughable at times.


"All was copacetic in the start, until she found out my man brought her son around to meet me without her approval... which evolved into much more drama..."

I'm sorry, I didn't know that he needed her approval. Sounds a bit controlling to me, but not uncommon as it feeds into the manufactured drama and nonsense.

"I can completely understand her frustration and anger towards the situation."

Really? Because I can't.


"She then wouldn't let him see his son, and was putting blame on me, which is why I reached out via email to her... and that only fueled the fire..."

Ya think @underlined? Even if your intentions were harmless and you figured that this was the "right" thing to do or a need, it was a bit presumptuous and silly to assume that she would want you to reach out to her especially, with the mentality she possesses. I mean hellooooo.


"I get why the blame is put all on me... and not on BD... it's easier to hate me then him..."

Whatever. How is this your issue again?

"So, I'm still trying to keep myself uninvolved as much as I can. When my man mentions her, I keep all my feelings in check, and never, ever allow my insecurities or emotions get in the way with his relationship with his son... I try to be supportive, and listen to him."

Sounds like you need some work as well.

"I feel that the two of them still need to find a place through healing, which will allow them to co-parent better, and be a strong foundation for the growth of their son."

Agreed, but again, why are you so wrapped up in this? Your man will either sink or swim.

"Them if mine and my mans relationship progresses further, when his son is old enough, he can decide if he wants me in his life or not- but for now, I am staying clear."

Good.

"It's just dealing with her unwillingness to stop, or to move past the drama that has me here writing all this... I don't even want to involve my man by telling him, for fear that it will rock what already shaky relationship they have right now..."

Are you referring to the behavior that you mentioned in the first post? Her immature comments, etc.?

"I think... the hardest part... is respect. I so badly just want to respect her as being the mother of my mans son. However when she acts like she has been, in such an immature manner, I can't..."

Okay, so don't. Isn't respect earned? I mean, you recognize that she is the mother of your man's son, okay that's it.

[Me Myself and I]

Thank you for reading... and for your reply and perspective... I appreciate it.

I agree 100% with you when you said- "just because a person went through junk, doesn't give him or her a right to be a jerk for the rest of their life. I actually pity those people. They truly have my deepest sympathy, because it must suck to be them at the end of the day. " I keep trying to remind myself of that... I have also reached the conclusion in life that when we are angered with another, or when we judge another, we are merely seeing reflections of our own self that we dislike...

Her and I were both casually dating him at the same time. While him and I had been friends for a couple years before we became intimate, it was one month into it when she got pregnant. Before me, the two of them had been "friends with benefits" for 5 years or so. She has other children from her marriage, and my man was kind of a pseudo father figure for her kids.

I didn't involve myself from the start, she actually started messaging me through Facebook. The reason she said she contacted me, (after admitting she had been creeping my page/Twitter/blog for awhile) was because she thought that my man had lied to her by saying he wanted to take their son for his friend to meet. She thought that I was the friend he spoke of. It wasn't. I corresponded back with her and few times...I told her that I would only want to meet her son if and when everyone involved it was the right time... and all was good...till I met her son...

The issue I would rather leave unsaid was the fault of all involved. I take responsibility and have apologized to her. I went over to my boyfriends uninvited one day to drop something off, and his son was there. As I said before... she lives right inbetween him and I, and must have seen me walking by. Because minutes after I arrived, she texted him asking if I was there and that she wanted her son back home. The baby was sleeping, and her texted her saying such. She was there banging on the door two minutes later.

There are legal issues going on, so I don't feel 100% talking about it even if anonymously. The reaction to her finding me at my mans house with her son there was not pretty. Far from it. She was livid, which made him livid, which made her even angrier. Buttons were being pushed... The two of them got into a heated argument with the baby in the middle, and both were acting a fool until myself, my mans roomate, and the landlord downstairs was involved. Finally she left, only to have called the cops...

They couldn't charge him, and her story didn't collaborate with my man, nor the three witnesses there, including myself, however because things got physical between the both of them, the courts are involved. They have to sneak around for visits now.

I just feel... based upon the initial reason for her contacting me in, and the reaction she had when she found out I was near her son...I feel like that is the core of the issue. In her messages she had expressed how she saw my man and her as being a "family". I feel she thinks that I somehow took that away from her... and perhaps felt threatened to have her child experience that somewhere other than her own home, if that makes sense? Only my perspective...

lol- I be too much of a naturalist to be swallowing ant-depressants at the expense of an insecure woman!

I guess... at the end of the day, is like I said before- I just want to respect her. She's the mother of my mans son, and out of love for him and his son, I want so badly to be able to get along with her.

In utter self reflecting honesty, I'm sure much of this "need" I have is internalized and may stem from my own childhood and dealings with my father and his relationships with women over the years...

I know that at the end of the day it would be best for baby if all just got along.

Even further down the psychological rabbit hole - I strongly dislike being disliked. I am way too empathetic, whether it be negative or positive, anger or happiness. Distancing myself from the thoughts and feelings of others is something I recognize as being necessary.

I know I'm only the girlfriend, and I respect my place as such, but if my man and I stay together, I want to be able to be able to one day have a relationship with his children - and I fear she won't allow that- I get that it is ultimately her choice, and respect that...

I don't know... I just needed to vent a bit... sometimes it gives me the ability to pause and reflect when I get it all out there.

[truthbtold]

"Even further down the psychological rabbit hole - I strongly dislike being disliked. I am way too empathetic, whether it be negative or positive, anger or happiness. Distancing myself from the thoughts and feelings of others is something I recognize as being necessary."



I so knew it. I held back from saying it, but I totally picked up on this. I kid you not. I am the opposite of you, but there are many people that are exactly like you however, I believe that ultimately it is detrimental, draining, and pointless to be that consumed with being "liked" by man. It's just a matter of fact, that whether justified or not, everyone is not going to like you. Particularly when unjustified, it's not the issue(s) of person that's the target of the dislike, but that squarely of the other person.

That's fine that you didn't get into specifics, but that comment did stand out to me. People seem to define dating differently these days and while you both were "casually dating" him at the same time, this definitely appears to be the root of the problem at a minimum. Clearly, she has no desire at least for now, to get along with you so you have to channel that wanting soooo badly to get along with her into something else.

Also, the whole she took him away from me mindset is complete rubbish. No one can take someone from the other unless they are a willing participant. Not excusing women that mess with involved men at all, but the brunt of the accountability has to be placed on the correct person. We all make choices.

I don't know if your avid acknowledgement of taking blame in a few areas is totally accurate, if it is just more of the way that you are, or they are not mutually exclusive. Maybe one is fueling the other. Nonetheless, you have work to do as well and decisions to make. I noticed you said on a few times, "if you and your man stay together, relationship progresses, etc." Clearly, this is a situation that you are having doubts about.

[truthbtold]

"lol- I be too much of a naturalist to be swallowing ant-depressants at the expense of an insecure woman!"


Yeah, that may be all well and good but sounds like you d**n near about to cry over this situation. With you wanting to get along with her soooo badly and not understanding why her so mean to you. Clearly, this is a major issue for you. That other person was the new girlfriend and this was the step that she took to deal with the nonsense. One step down from where you are at, most probably.

[Me Myself and I]

Thanks you both for the reflective truths.

I guess it's time to step away from my utopian dreamland and put on my realist cap for a minute and grow a bit from all of this...

and I'm going to get on my defensive to firmly state that my tears have never, could never, and would never be worth falling over this situation...