Different kind of dillema with BMD

[Deleted]

So I am prepared to take the brutal honesty this board has to offer I need to hear it, in fact, which is why I chose this board to come to for advice. So I have made posts about the situation in my life prior to this one but if you need any further details than what this summarizes, please let me know and I will clear up any confusion.

So, my husband has 2 girls with a woman he cheated on me with (before we married) Their first daughter is a result of him cheating unbeknown to me at the time; after that we split up but did end up working things out after a few years later. When we got back together he still did not quite have his priorities right and so we again split and when that happened he slept with her again. What they had going on between the two, I dont really know-I only know his version so I cant exactly blame her.

Anyway...here we are many years later-the girls are older, we have since married and have 3 boys of our own who are older and younger than their girls (so its quite a messy situation)

HOWEVER, we have clearly grown, matured and moved on since all of the soap opera happened. He has NOT seen his girls very many times in the mean while because of the nature of the whole situation, the BM drinks heavily and so for most of the time she is on her own planet and you cannot get a word in without arguement or craziness happening. There is ALWAYS an issue with this girl. She either hates me or my husband, she CANNOT get along with both of us at the same time. So anway heres my issue:

I can NO LONGER argue with this girl....it physically wears on a person and mentally as well. I have tried to get along with her (even though she was the one who knowingly slept with my bf) and she would continue to hate me, blaming me for my husband not being in her face like she wants I guess. Anyway, she FINALLY has come around (as she once in awhile does, every few years) and wants to be cool with me. I am the type of person that will forgive anyone, and try to be cool with anyone who is trying to be kind to me. I always feel bad for people, and she doesnt have a lot of positive influenece in her life and she lives a bit of a rough life so I just sympathize for her and I am just completely kind to her. My husband doesnt really think thats a great idea and prefers I dont have conversations with her and so on. Its just odd bc for years she has HATED me, Im talking about to a VERY serious degree and would always say I am nothing to her girls, that I need to stay in my place and pretty much not exist. WELL just the other day my husband finally gave her a piece of his mind and pretty much told her she is NOT going to cuss him out every time she speaks to him and told her she doesnt run a d**n thing in his life and he is done dealing with it. Afte rthat she got SUPER cool with me, she EVEN texted me asking if her girls could call me bc they wanted to talk to me and missed me I OF COURSE was like no problem, I would never turn away from the girls but it was odd just bc of all the hate she has directed toward me in the past. She will call me and just run my husband integrity in the ground and of course I have to correct her confusion but I have to do so in a way that wont set her off bc she is ON EDGE 24/7. Its so confusing and here I think I am trying to keep peace but at the same time I feel like I am losing focus and losing the concept of my role. I know I can do whatever it is I chose but I dont want to be played by this chic and she is so manipulative that she tries to almost turn my husband and I against eachother. She barely even knows my husband but tries to school ME (been with him 14 years) on his past and who she THINKS he is. I just dont know how to be with her, I dont want to be mean, and start drama but I dont want to be naive and think she is my friend (which I know she is not)-I guess I just wanted some overall feedback or perspective on whats going on right now? Im so confused

[SameBM]

Wow, It certainly is a messy situation. I may have forgive him with the 1st baby (strong maybe) but when he had a 2nd with the same girl? You are a stronger woman than me apparently.


But I have got to ask, why do you continue to have ANY form of communication with the BM? You know how she is. She isn't to be trusted so why try? It is not necessary for you to have ANY conversation with her.

Short story: The BM in my situation tried the SAME THING with me & my DH. She tried to befriend me. She would talk to me & try to run down my DH to me. Then she tried to go down memory lane with me asking me if he still did this & that. CREEPY!!! And, yuck. I don't even want to think about the 2 of them together. I know they were together but I certainly don't want to remininse with her. Then BM started telling DH that I said this & that. She was trying to turn DH & myself against one another.

When I realized what she was trying to do, I cut off communication with her. It was not necessary for she & I to talk. I don't have a child with her. If she needed something, she could talk to DH & he would tell me what I needed to know. That way nothing was misconstrued. I heard the side that I needed to hear, nothing else. DH heard what I had to say from ME, not what the BM claimed I said.

If someone shows you who they are, believe them. What the BM is doing is trying to be manipulative. She views you as the weaker vessel. What better way to destroy a union than to go after the weaker vessel? Don't allow her to use you to cause problems within your marriage.

Block her number out on your cell if she is calling. Ask your DH to have her call his cell phone. If BM calls your home phone, let your DH answer it or allow the call to go to vmx if your DH isn't home.

From what you have written here, it is apparent that the BM is NOT your friend and has proven it time & time again. You don't need to go through the BM to speak to your DH's kids. If the kids want to talk to you, they can do it either during BD's parenting time or when the BD speaks with them on the phone & puts you on to speak with the kids.

Honey, this isn't rocket science. You know how she is. If you continue to "fall" for the BM's games, you either like the drama or you are not too bright. Seriously.

[Deleted]

I get what your saying about forgiving my husband for the babies, honestly I'm a different person that I was then so I, myself don't know how I was even able to forgive that. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I was able to bc the man he is today was worth the struggle...sometimes I wish I wasn't so forgiving, as a Christian I know it's what I should do but I do need to realize not everyone needs to be "let back in" so to speak. I wish I understood why I am that way. My husband and I are way beyond the situation of him having the kids, today they are 7 and 9 so a lot of time has passed but it doesn't end the drama, as we all know. Ur right, it's not rocket science and I usually give out great advice in situations like me own but when I'm the one in it, it's like I become dumbfounded. My husband and I actually discussed today that I'm going to just stop talking to her, bc ur right if I am not available for her to ramble to, then the buck stops there. I always fall for niceness, guess its a downfall of mine. Funny thing is, I use to be ready for anything and quick to tell someone what I think but I spent so many years stressing that I found keeping peace would be easier for me. I don't want to be a b*tch but it's obvious (right?) that she is manipulating the situation to her advantage so if that is so I need to back off. I guess I thought it would be better for everyone if we were able to be friendly with each other than to fight but then I put myself in a HUGE mess that I really don't need. I thank u for ur feedback! Sincerely

[Deleted]

Another thing....I guess I always look at things deeper, like why is she that way? Maybe she's never had someone to help her understand life doesn't have to be a huge confrontation all the time. I tend to try and sympathize with people or remember a good moment they had and that leads me to think with my heart instead of my head. I get to feeling sympathetic that she struggles on her own and has a drinking problem...I know I sound like a simp or a lame lol, that's why I needed a reality check from you all so thanks again

[truthbtold]

Happy New Year!!! A strong plus 1 on SameBM's post and I agree with your husband (OP) regarding not having conversations with her. I mean really. This is where I am at with all of this in general though, it's a new year, a new day, etc., I cannot take this stuff anymore; I cannot get on with it. Everyone has to really find their own way in their situations and work on themselves in the process. Live your best life. Adios.