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Post by Need some advise on May 7, 2008 13:38:12 GMT -5
My honey of 3 years still cant seem to tame the bm. She dont bother me, its mainly towards him. She verbally attacks him when things dont go his way..she refuses to allow him to bring kids around but belittles him when he doesnt help with correcting them. He's tries to avoid her, but eventually gives in for the sake of the kids. Sometimes I think he feels guilty for what he has put her through and her constantly bringing up what she has done for him doesnt help. Therefore he continues to try to reason with her and theres just no gettin through to her stubborn a$$. I hate to see him go through this, as it puts a strain on me. I feel there is nothing I can do, which there really isnt. The only thing I can suggest to him is to block her out completely until she matures but that may never happen and he loves his kids. Would it be right for me to give him an ultimatum or should I exclude myself from the picture? Any advise would be great...this is serious.
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Post by destini1969 on May 7, 2008 16:02:44 GMT -5
I am not certain about the guilt your DH is feeling, but he can NEVER tame the BM. You should exclude yourself from the picture as much as possible and allow him to handle the situation. If she brings you into the loop handle yourself respectfully by being the bigger person.
Your DH is going through a lot and needs your support. Personally, I would not allow his situation to make me leave. BUT this situation isn't for everyone, you have to decide if your DH worthe the drama? Is this is biggest issue in your relationship? How often does he communicate with BM regarding the child? Are you happy with him more than 15 days out of the month?
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Post by nomoredrama on May 7, 2008 16:08:52 GMT -5
Are you considering leaving STRICTLY because of the BM or are there underlying issues? If you are TRULY happy with your honey, there should be nothing the BM can do to make you consider leaving. It appears as though your honey is keeping you shielded from the BM contacting you directly. Are you just not happy in your relationship with him? Is there something that he is not fulfilling in you?
I have gone thru a lot of drama with the BM (trust me) but when I think of my DH - I don't consider the drama caused by the BM. They are two separate issues.
I am just trying to decipher how you are relating the two issues (BM & your relationship with your honey).
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Post by memyslfni on May 7, 2008 17:30:57 GMT -5
I just want him to finally stand up to woman. By this I mean letting her know that if they cant co-parent with a decent level of maturity then he will just have to cut contact with her until she realizes that its not all about her. And I want him to actually go through with it. There are other ways he can communicate with the kids. He's got her address, he can send cs once he starts working again. It just bothers me that she complains about him not being a good enough father, but in the same breath wont allow him to be that. Then as soon as something goes wrong with the kids, she is so quick to call him and expect him to be the disciplinarian. How are his kids supposed to respect anything he says, when she belittles him in front of them. I just think he has some work to do before we can continue because its been the same ole mess for three years and I dont think he can do it as long as I am around. He needs to realize that he wouldnt be doing it for me but for his own self respect and hers.
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Post by destini1969 on May 7, 2008 19:56:03 GMT -5
I responded on another post as well. Dang! This has been his behavior for the past three years in regards to his BM situation or are you discontent in other areas of your relationship for the past three years?
If it's just the BM situation, this is not your battle unless BM/BD brings you in and wants you to respond to something. Since you guys have been together for the past three years are you able to help with child support? If he isn't contributing financially and the BM is used to him doing so, she could simply be frustrated that he isn't helping out in that regard.
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Post by nomoredrama on May 7, 2008 20:18:04 GMT -5
Your honey's lack of financial support for the kids may be causing a lot of the BM's frustration. Even though he is out of work, their children still have to be supported. And, 3 children can be quite expensive. Can he at least get unemployment so that he can contribute something to his children's care?
It doesn't sound like you are the problem but it sounds like you think that you are. I don't understand how walking away from the relationship will change anything. It will relieve some stress from you but not all. If you have children together, than you will be in the same situation as the BM - single with no financial support or help. This will add more stress to you.
Are you TRULY happy or is there something else going on? It sounds as though the BM may only be a part of your concerns. One of the main arguments that couples have is about finances. If he is not working, then I am assuming that he is not financially supporting your household either. Sometimes when we are frustrated or angry about a situation, we blow up one issue to avoid dealing with the real issue.
Your honey has to do what is necessary to support your household & to contribute to his children's support with his BM. Even if he takes a job outside of his chosen field, he needs to get something. He may need to get two jobs but he has to do what is necessary to take care of his responsibilities. Once this happens, you and the BM may become less frustrated.
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Post by nomoredrama on May 7, 2008 20:30:56 GMT -5
Stealing part of Just2be's post: "A wife is her husband's "helpmate" and "completer."
By the same token, your friend must be your helpmate and completer. Do you feel that your friend completes you? Do you feel that your friend is your "helpmate?" If your answer to both questions is "yes," than it may be a bad decision to walk away. If your answers are "no," then you have a big decision to make because you need support from his just as he needs it from you.
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Post by junieb2 on May 7, 2008 20:44:01 GMT -5
Destini,
Would you please explain the 15 days a month rule to me? Is this a standard rule or something you made up? What is the reasoning behind this? How many months should be counted before one "gives up"?
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Post by memyslfni on May 7, 2008 20:51:21 GMT -5
From what I hear his bm is financially stable. And I am not in a position to help him with his cs as I've been the sole provider in our home as it is for the past 3 months (since he came back to live with me and lost his job). He's been more talk and less action and this has also been part of the strain. His words are starting to mean nothing to me. I asked him if it was "us against the world" and his reply was "I guess u can say that". I Been trying to hang on but Im starting to wonder what Im hangin on too. I've tried the "Can u put your family first for the moment?" Still no medium. Continues with the habits that I mentioned before. Im just going to stop doing some of the things I do, cuz I think he's starting to lean on that. And I dont take care of no grown a$$ man. I got kids.
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Post by nomoredrama on May 7, 2008 21:03:03 GMT -5
It sounds like you are already taking care of him...Your honey needs to help himself.
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Post by nomoredrama on May 7, 2008 21:26:06 GMT -5
I am not trying to be cold memyslf but my DH has always kept a job (Thank God). In the beginning of our relationship, he worked construction, temporary companies, landscaping, & whatever to keep food on the table. There has to be SOMETHING that he can do to bring in income. Grocery stores, fast food restaurants, whatever. He has to be willing to do what is necessary to provide for his household...
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Post by jusdntundstn on May 7, 2008 21:26:08 GMT -5
Exactly my point and the sad thing is his family is not important enough to do so, not to mention the kids he already has..
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Post by junieb2 on May 7, 2008 21:30:13 GMT -5
Do you mind my asking, did the relationship end and a few months ago and then he returned?
You said he moved back in and then lost his job....what is the story with that?
Is this relationship based on YOU carrying the load and since you're not married, is your child (the one that the two of you have together) the only string thats holding the relationship?
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Post by jusdntundstn on May 7, 2008 21:34:38 GMT -5
I know what u mean tellit, this is what hurts me. He is here physically and I appreciate that, but his mind is elsewhere, therefore his focus is not his family. Sad to say but the only way he'll get it together is if I make him leave. It is only then when he realizes what he had and this time there is no coming back....Know what I mean?
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Post by destini1969 on May 7, 2008 21:47:49 GMT -5
The 15 days out of the month has been my rule for a couple of decades and has been most beneficial. If I am unhappy more than 15 days out of the typical 30 days in the month (6 month span) it's time for me to review my situation. This has worked for me because it makes you address exactly what is making you unhappy? I don't ask for my DH to make me happy, I ask him to add to it.
Memyselfni, why did you take him back? Why didn't the relationship work before? Was your relationship a give/take relationship before he moved back in? To be quite honest three months isn't a long time to help support your DH, especially if you guys have been together for such an extended period of time. Was there a time in which he supported you? I understand it's frustrating, but you know if he's a trifling deadbeat or he's truly a good guy that happens to be going through a temporary funk!
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