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Post by sickofit on May 31, 2008 14:40:38 GMT -5
yay my first post!! let me just say this board has helped me from going crazy on numerous occasions!!!
So my fiance and I were engaged back in March( we've been together almost 5 years I was with him when his child was born-even though thats a whole other drama lol).. and he nor his mother has told the BM or his child about us being engaged... and I'm pretty sure his daughter knows nothing about me.. ( we live in a different state) I have let him know this bothers me... so at this point should I bring it up to the BM myself..send her an email?.. I will be her daughters stepmother one day...??
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Post by nomoredrama on May 31, 2008 16:53:00 GMT -5
I think your DH does not want to deal with the drama by letting the BM know that he is engaged. How old is the child since you have been with him since she was born. It should not be a BIG surprise to the BM if she knows that you exist. Couples should work towards marriage and building a family.
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Post by lovejones08 on May 31, 2008 18:45:08 GMT -5
It may be best for you to stay away of the line of fire with BM. Calling and telling her that you're engaged to her BD may cause unnecessary drama in your life and then give her a reason to be a fool with you. Voice you feelings to your fiance until you get tired of voicing and leave the rest to his discretion. Trust me this situation can only get worse so you will know what you are getting into before marriage. You see what he's doing now and marriage will not change the way he's handling it other things may but not the marriage. What can you deal?
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Post by angelnmo on Jun 1, 2008 1:11:06 GMT -5
Hello sickofit. My situation is pretty similar to yours. I have been with my fiance for over several years and he just had a baby with his piece on the side a little over a year ago.
If he is anything like my fiance, he is putting off telling the BM about your engagement because he KNOWS it will be some drama. Trust me, the BM already knows about you. She just wants him to admit it and tell her that you two are engaged.
Please resist the temptation. The BM is just itching for a confrontation with you, so don't give her a reason. I know it is hard, but sooner or later he will get tired and tell her the truth.
Just take my advice. If your fiance isn't paying child support now, it may be in his best interest to make it official and go through the courts. Because if I know my jealous BMs, she WILL put him on child support once he admits he is engaged to you and she WILL most likely stop letting him see the child as often.
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Post by sickofit on Jun 1, 2008 9:00:59 GMT -5
we live out of state from his daughter and BM so he rarely even gets to see his daughter and she wont even let his daughter travel to see him... we are going to start working on that in court. Recently the tables have started to turn and he is getting suppourt lowered ( BM is 27 still lives at home with her parents they only work part time.. and his daughter "lives" in thier living room) She confided in his mother that... oops she might have overestimated it!! It's a crazy situation! Right now his child has contact with his mother through visitation.
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Post by gemmani on Jun 2, 2008 11:34:41 GMT -5
I understand your feelings about wanting the BM to know about your engagement. Please don't go telling her yourself. It will come off as "bragging" or something like that. The only connect you and BM have his through him. HE should be the one to tell her. At least you do not deal with BM as much as others, due to the fact that they live out of state. Yes, you will be stepmom, but because you don't get to see the child often, that might not mean much to BM right now. When/if the situation changes, believe me, she'll find out soon enough. Lovejones08 said it well, how he's handling things now isn't going to improve after you two are married. If this really bothers you (please don't let it though) tell him that. Don't accuse him, just let him know your feelings. After that you have to let him deal with it.
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Post by nomoredrama on Jun 2, 2008 15:59:42 GMT -5
My DH did not tell BM when we were engaged nor when we got married. BM found out after we were married. I could have told BM personally but why? Will the BM actually be happy for you? I share good news with my friends and family. BM does not qualify as any of them.
I sum it up like this...I asked DH once how he deals with his crazy BM. He replied, "I don't."
Alot of men are like that. They just don't deal with the BM. They act as though she does not exist. They resist telling her anything because she will not add any value. In most cases, the BM will only add drama.
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Post by youknowwhatitis on Jun 2, 2008 16:30:53 GMT -5
Throughout my time here on the board I have came to some conclusions:
1.) The BM is often used as an excuse to justify the man's lack of responsiblility and involvement.
Kind of like how whites use statistics and old bible stories to justify racism.
2.) There are some BM's who simply cant stand the fact that there kids dad is with someone else and will cause trouble anyway that they can--they are often successful.
3.) There are some people who simply will want to feel as if they are better than you both black and other cultures. They will not attempt to understand you only to discredit you to attempt to make themselves appear better than you.
4.) Any man who uses a woman as an excuse as to why he does not interact with his children is full of sh*t. He doesn't interact with them because he doesn't want to and is bitter because their mom is receiving his money and his gf or wifey is probably upset about that too.
5.)The less you tell people about yourself and your past and future the better because depending on the set of circumstances they may attempt to use it against you.
6.)A lot of people are ALL about self they claim it should be about the kids but then they turn the argument around and make it about the BD and the money. Wait I thought it was supposed to be about the kids.
7.) There are good and bad in everything....good BM's and bad BM's, good BD's and bad BD's. It's just the way it is.
8.)Some women are desperate and WILL do anything for her man including lie, justify non-sense, and attempt to take his BM down for him...(which should be his job) all in attempt to keep a man and his money. They claim the BM is against them...but the truth is in return they are against the BM.
9.)Some men are simply boys that never grow up and never learn to mature and deal with adversity and conflict so they do what little boys do when a situation is NOT favorable to them RUN and HIDE.
10.)Some people have f*cked up mentality's that lead them to believe that they are Jesus Christ superstar and that they are superior to all other's. Many people thrive on their feelings of superiority to another how sick.
11.)Receiving child support makes you a BAD person to some people. And some people will rather dwell on your short comings then on your successes we call those HATERS.
12.) For me personally, I have learned that to be INDEPENDENT and free from the outside opinions of others and to make my own decision about me my situation and what's best for my son. I have realized to follow the Holy spirit's leading which is often illogical and not man's opinion. Every situation is different because it involves different people with different values and different belief systems.
If you don't interact with your kids you simply don't value them.
If you don't allow your kids to interact with their father you simply don't value his presence in their life.
If your BM or BD doesn't interact with you they simply don't value you. What difference does it make you weren't put here for them.
If you don't encourage your DH to interact with and provide for his other children it shows that you don't value his children or his relationship with them.
That does not mean anything bad about YOU because someone doesn't value you a lot of times it just means that they are stupid because they don't see the value in you.
And sometimes the men are stupid because they don't see the value in those children into it is too late and they have become successful and they won't want to interact with you then.
Some people will deliberately not value you in attempt to hurt your feelings. Ex. Racism
What have you learned from the board?
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Post by gemmani on Jun 2, 2008 16:44:51 GMT -5
That was good tellit! Its not like she'll be happy for you. But I get that what you REALLY want to do is mark your territory. Understandable. But like I said, she's out of the state. Its not like you or your fiance will randomly run into her. She'll find out when she does, until then, ENJOY YOUR ENGAGEMENT!!!!!!  |
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Post by nomoredrama on Jun 2, 2008 18:29:32 GMT -5
Keia, I agree with your post. I noticed that you said "some" and not all. I think you should post it as a separate thread so that everyone will see it.
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Post by memyslfni on Jun 2, 2008 23:33:47 GMT -5
I read all this but I missed the part where there are some men/fathers who are the cp of the child(ren), that receive cs from the bm because she can be just as incapable as the man. Does this mean these women dont value their children? Would it make it right for them have to give their every dollar when they are strugglin trying to get right? Does this mean they dont love their children? And why is it ok to encourage the dh to interact with his children, but at the same time wifey or gf should mind her own business...? Its not gf or wifey job to encourage the dh, but we try to take into condiseration the childs needs and unlike most bm's, WE (gf's and wifeys) are woman enough to put our needs to the side for the sake of DH's child.
One thing I have learned from this is that you can control a persons Money, but You cant Controls ones emotions...People are going to feel the way they feel regardless of what they hear...
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Post by youknowwhatitis on Jun 3, 2008 15:11:25 GMT -5
Good point memyself as far as mom's it applies the same to them and vice versa I know some mom's who don't value their kids and put men in front of them etc. Like I said there is good and bad in everything.
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Post by wowposter on Sept 8, 2008 19:50:38 GMT -5
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Post by wowposter on Sept 9, 2008 10:10:04 GMT -5
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