Too Much Focus?

[gemmani]

My BM pisses me off. That is a fact. I can't stand her, she's greedy, etc. These men and women causing all this BMD can all go kick rocks. But at what point do you stop thinking about them and continue about your business?
I was on another site about step parenting. The women there were so focused on the BM in their life, how horrible she is, how they are so much better than her, blah blah blah. As many problems as our BM gives us, I just don't see the point of constantly harping on the BM. I'd rather solve the problem or handle the situation than just being.......I guess the word is petty. I like these forums to bounce ideas around, or ask for advice, or to see how others handle things. I do not see why these new wives/gf's spend so much effort to figure BM out, or see what she's doing or saying, or why her man left, or how much of a wh*re she is. I don't care what she say about us, what she tells people, or anything else that DOES NOT MATTER. What matters is the kids, but that seems to get lost sometimes.

It makes us feel better to say that BM still wants our man, she's jealous, all the jazz. (I've said it, but this actually came out of her mouth) I understand that, we are human. But to keep harping on that fact and to keep thinking about her and talking about her and basically making her the focus of your life- what is that doing? By focusing on how mad she makes you or how you want to get at her, you will stay mad. You will stay resentful. It will eat away at you, and take away from your own relationship. And at the end of the day, she's still going to do what she's going to do.

Being a stepparent, or dating a single parent, is one of the toughest jobs around (only being a mom tops it Even then, its still not as complicated). It gets so frustrating and sometimes you feel like you have no control over anything. It sucks to hear from others what lies have been said about you. But like youknowwhatitis said, the best revenge is to live well. Focus on what makes you HAPPY, rather than what pisses you off. Plus, why give BM the satisfaction of knowing that she's renting space in your head? Evict her asap.

[nomoredrama]

You are so right...But, I have to say that we are human. I don't react directly to BMs games, so I post here to vent. Websites like these really serve as an outlet for my frustrations. Although we try not to let the things the BMs do annoy us, we aren't perfect. Sometimes you just need to YELL on the website to avoid YELLING in person.

[gemmani]

Oh, BELIEVE ME, I understand what you are saying. I have to vent on occasion, if we didn't I think we'd explode. I'm just talking about those that take it to the extreme. I've seen posts that have nothing to do with anything except BM-bashing.

[sbimiss]

I agree with what you are saying to a certain extent. A lot of BMD takes a stab at a person's pride. Sometimes it is not so easy to just let things like that go. I do agree though that the issue should not become the focal point of your life. You will never be able to live your life to the highest potential if you are constantly analyzing things about BM. I think sites like this one is ideal for people in similar situations because it is quite beneficial in the fact that we can learn from the experiences of others. We find insight about our own situation from the experiences of others.

[whenwillwomenlearn]

Finally a post that gives good advice!

[memyslfni]

Yup Yup, BM's are a waste of time! She can sit on the other end and pull all herr hair out for all I care. Because where is he at? With me!!! ;D Every night and Im happpy more than 15 days out the month...

[hybridmommy]

Great post!

I have had soooooo much frustration over the last few years over BM.

I have only been a member of this board for ONE day, and I have to say that I really appreciate your posts gemmani.

Your opinions reflect so much that I haven't had the forum or the time to put into words.

[gemmani]

Thanks hybridmommy! Welcome to the forum, I look forward to reading what you have to say. Just trying to keep things relevant to the issues of BMD, and not sound like a bunch of catty females putting the BM down to make themselves feel better. Or better yet, tracking what the BM is doing, saying, or writing. I'm too busy spending time with my friends and family (people who love me and wish me well) to worry about what some ill-willed female (who can't stand me) thinks about me.

[shortydo]

Gemnani
i want to thank you so much for expressioning your thoughts. at times i feel like my whole life consume BM. I can't stand the thought of my DH having a child with this nut case. and what really blows my mind is everytime the family has a cookout or party she is there. What point is she really trying to prove? I went to my DH brother's babyshower this past weekend as you already know she was there. The whole time she was miserable. I mean she can't steal my joy if that is what she is trying to do. if looks could kill i would be dead. Why would a person torture themselves? Why is she always around. At times i feel she may want me.lol.

[gemmani]

Shortydo, I swear I understand what you feel. I'd be lying if I said I never felt that way. I used to BUG OUT about stupid stuff like:
- Will he want her again b/c they have kids?
- If we have kids together, it won't be special b/c he already has 3
And others, but I'm losing my train of thought.....
I can't really say how or why I was able to come out of that funk and reach a "happy place". I read as many forums as I can. I went to the bookstore to find books on stepfamilies (there aren't many. I don't know if you have kids, I don't. One book that helped was "The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex" Its for those SM with no kids on how to adapt and what to expect.) Also, talking to my fiance helped alot. Not only did he completely assure me about everything, he continues to prove it daily. I understand x 50 about hating the fact that he has kids with this......female (I hesitate to use "woman". I reserve that title for those who can act accordingly I now see it this way: Those kids were supposed to be here, in the cosmic scheme of things. Therefore, BD and BM came together for that purpose, and that's it. Not b/c they were supposed to be together. As much as it sux, you can't change the past, so instead of beating my head against the wall about it, I instead focus on now and our future.

I'm actually starting to see things as funny. (Laughter is the best medicine.) You say your BM is everywhere and miserable? She's still trying to be "part of the family" and is upset b/c that's not how it actually is. I would just have as much fun as possible. Walk around happy and care free. Why not? SHE'S the one that miserable. YOU have everything set. Why does she do it? Can't let go, can't move on. I really don't get that, where's their pride? Self-esteem? But since I've realized that I'm happy with my life (besides the drama, but in the scheme of things, so what?) I stop concentrating on her because she wasn't adding anything positive to my life (beside my future stepkids). I can't even bring myself to get mad about things. For example, the CS issue I posted about (I forgot the title, something about Court System Strikes Again) she's trying to bleed him dry. Ok. That sucks. What are we going to do about it? Let's find ways to make it work, let's figure out our options. We already know what type of person she is, so I refuse to dwell on that.
We are strong. We are women. We get things done. We are the strength in these relationships. We are the backbone of our men. Ladies, we can do WHATEVER we want to do, including keeping the BM in her place physically AND mentally. Much love to all the REAL women, BMs and SMs.

[nomoredrama]

Amen...Preach sista girl!

[shortydo]

that's right preach on. i love what your saying and it helps.
your a real rider!!!!