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Post by ladysong on Jun 9, 2008 7:32:57 GMT -5
 Ive been in this relationship for over 3 years now actually sunday will be 3 years and Ive been seeing this person for 4 years now. During our relationship he slept with his ex and she became pregnant. I left and came back for reasons I only know of. I'm not one to really go with the norm. The baby is now about 1 month old and this has been the worst month of my life. (1) he was not there the entire pregnancy nor did he even talk to her due to some very personal things she said about his family and him being abopted earlier in his life. He has his doubts about this child even being his. But since he is basically caught up he isnt even worrying about that right now and people are telling him the baby looks like him a bit. (2) her sister sent him messages saying that his BM was sleeping with other guys. Now that the baby is here, she told him that she doesnt want him around me at all. And he wants to respect that so he only sees the baby @ her house. She has had the baby in the mall the 1st week the baby was born and took him to a graduation when he turned 1 month. They have fussed and cussed one another out. She doesnt want the baby to come to our house because of me. It is so annoying because I feel like he trying to juggle two situations and not really deal with them. Now Im not one to just tell someone what to do but she is basically controlling his life because she calls whenever she wants and tells him what to do. Tell me what you think!
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Post by nomoredrama on Jun 9, 2008 9:34:27 GMT -5
There are several members here that have similar stories. I am sure that Angelnmo will respond to this. She will have a lot of good advice to provide you.
First thing first though...If he suspects that he may not be the father, he should request a blood test. If the child is his, he and the BM can work together to set up a visitation arrangement. If they are unable to come up an agreement, he should solicit support from the court. The courts will give him visitation with the child independent of the BM. Due to the child's young age, the courts may start out with a 2-3 days of visitation for about 3-4 hours per day. He can amend the visitation as the child gets older. This will take some of the control from the BM.
Don't let the BM try to dictate your relationship with your friend. It is about the child (if it is his). He should not let her try to use the child to come between the two of you. She is also hoping to use the child to draw your boyfriend closer to her. He needs to make it CLEAR to her that he is here only for the child and that YOU will be a part of the child's life since you are a part of his life.
It is also important that you avoid contact with the BM. Your boyfriend needs to deal exclusively with her. Desperate people do desperate things so you should not put yourself in a position to be assaulted by this woman. Keep your distance.
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Post by sbimiss on Jun 9, 2008 11:25:43 GMT -5
I agree with tellitlikeitis completely. I actually could not have said it better myself. I think this is a typical situation. I have heard similar stories from others and not only on this board. So, you are def. not alone. I think your bf needs to start drawing boundaries because right now he is only setting the wrong example. He is creating false hopes when later on you and your relationship will suffer the consequences. Of course she wants her family together. The child is quite young so she can use the example of age as a reason she is not comfortable in him taking the child. The number one reason she doesn't want you taking the child is because she does not want YOU taking care of HER child. She wants her family together and that is understandable. Your bf chose not to be with her so he does not need to feel guilt that his child needs him or he is missing out on things. He can still be there for his child but not involve the mother. I know this because my bf did it. When his daughter was born, he saw her on his own time and he communicated through a third party only. What made things easier was that since the child was born, the BM's mother was the primary caretaker of the child. That alone speaks for itself about the BM. It is very difficult when the child is very young and if you don't have a court order you will be following her rules. I suggest you both make some changes. This is a remedy for future trouble. Everytime he goes over there adds to the fuel of your troubles and hers as well. Communication needs to be kept at a minimal with her. I would also like to add.....pay close attention to tellitlikeitis' last few sentences. This is something that anyone with BMD has to keep in mind.
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Post by ladysong on Jun 9, 2008 12:35:38 GMT -5
I fully understand all that is being stated but it is like when I try and talk to him sometimes he gets annoyed or maybe even angry, I dont know what to do but focus on me only becuz I dont want 2 be to hurt in this situtation and he expresses his discomfort but he doesnt want to create any wars so he says.
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Post by nomoredrama on Jun 9, 2008 17:45:14 GMT -5
It is called avoidance. Your boyfriend is going to have to face up to things or he is going to lose you. You are not asking him to choose between you or his child. You have only asked him to set boundaries. There is nothing wrong with that. He is more focused on the BMs needs and is taking you for granted. In order for your relationship to survive you and he are going to have to stand together. He must set boundaries that you each agree upon. He must constantly stress to the BM that his involvement is strictly for his child's sake.
He should also avoid sitting at her house to visit with his child. She is hoping that his feelings for what me be his child may transcend into something else. And, some men are known to have fallen victim to this manipulation. In a nut shell, she is using the child. Some men are too stupid to see it (if ever) until it is too late and they have lost the woman that they truly love.
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Post by shortydo on Jun 12, 2008 12:10:42 GMT -5
i agree with all statement but my honest opinion is maybe he is still involve with BM. (sorry)
BEWARE!!!
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Post by angelnmo on Jul 9, 2008 22:15:11 GMT -5
Hello,
I have been away for a while handling business, but when I saw this post today I had to reply.
My situation is almost a mirror image of yours, so I will tell you what I did, because it worked for me.
First of all, I agree with tellitlikeitis 100%. She is definitely trying to use the baby to draw him closer. She is also trying to use the baby to drive a wedge between you and him. PLEASE calmly sit down with him and discuss getting a paternity test. It will be very important later on down the line when child support and visitation come. Believe me, it will come up! Right now he is like a deer caught in headlights, just goiing through what he thinks is the right motions and pretty much living in a fog. Make him snap out of it!!
Once paternity is established and he gets a court order for child support a visitation, he should let her know in no uncertain terms does she call you or him unless it is about the baby, PERIOD! Then she can kick and scream all she wants, but with the court order, she has no control over him bringing the baby to his house and also has no control over who he brings the baby around.
You better be certain that you love this man, because it will get a helluva lot worse before it gets better. This situation will either make your relationship stronger or tear you 2 apart!
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