Do you stand together with SKs & BM?

[nomoredrama]

I was reading a website for stepparents and I ran across an interesting post. The stepmom posted that she & DH separated recently due to the stepchildren. Apparently, there were behavior problems with the children and the situation came to a head...And, the DH left the house with the children. It was a very sad situation to read about. It is hard to live in a blended family when both parties do not stand together....

My question is: for those of us whose significant others (SO) have children outside of the marriage/relationship, does your SO support your decisions? Do you stand together regarding the stepkids (SKs) and the BM?

If you could, what is the one thing you would change regarding your SOs response to your feelings or decisions, etc.

[nomoredrama]

My DH & I do stand together on a lot of issues regarding the SKs. When SS lived with us, in the beginning my SS tried to disrespect me. I only had to talk with my DH about the situation and it was immediately addressed. SS learned that DH & I approached parenting as a team. What he did to one of us effected both of us. When my SS first came to live with us, it was a difficult transition....But in the end my SS & I developed a close relationship. A very special day for me was when my SS asked me if he could call me "Mom." It melted my heart. I don't think my SS & I could have developed a close relationship without the full support of my DH.

If I could change one thing regarding my DH's responses to my concerns, it would be....his naive belief that if he ignores the BM #2, she will go away. He refuses to respond appropriately for any of her actions. He just ignores her and cuts off contact with her. Sometimes I think, "Are men silly or what?" He says that he doesn't respond to her because she wants a reaction out of him. He believes that ANY reaction from him would only serve to satisfy her morbid craving for drama. He said that his lack of response annoys her more than a response.

We don't have any problems with BM#1. She is very mature and respectful. She also provided support when her son lived with us. She was also instrumental in helping her son & I develop a relationship. BM #1 is a mature confident woman who has moved on with her life and was glad that DH found a woman to offer him support with her child.

[shortydo]

well tellit my DH acts the same when it comes to the BM both BM's to keep it real. He has nothing at all to say to her so that's why i'm assuming BM #2 reaches out to me. whenever i ask my DH about is actions he say the same also. "i'm not feeding into their bullnuts" He has bitter feelings towards them, deep wounds that may never heal after all they put him through.
as i stated BM#2 we have a wierd thing going on. i mean i tolerate her b/c she has his child but on the other hand i want to beat her down or at least beat some sense into her. i mean there are too many fish in the sea baby move on.
Well my DH had his daughter for the weekend and to be honest i was alittle worry about her attitude towards me or should i say us because she hasn't seen us in a year or longer and only GOD knows what may have been said to her about us but to my surprise she was very respectful. at times she slip in things her mom said but my DH cut it short. I pray my DH can get through the summer without having to cuss BM out. Her attitude is some unpredictable.

[nomoredrama]

This is wild....But BM #2 reached out to me as well. She asked me if she can deal with me since she & DH don't get along. Now I think that she wanted to deal with me because DH doesn't talk to her or respond to her. She started being a thorn in my side, so I can sort of understand why he doesn't deal with her.

We have not seen SD since 2005. Her mom said they were coming home to visit this month. I have not heard anything else about it & DH says he hasn't heard anything. BM is so NASTY & SHADY that she will actually come home & never let DH know that his daughter was a hour & 15 mins away instead of outside of the continental US. SD is 14 years old & I am a little concerned about what her reaction will be to us. We have only seen her 1 time in over 6 years (BM left in 2002). Her mom has had years to poison her against us.

My DH doesn't react to BM but he also lets her get away with a lot. Like the time BM faxed him his DEERS enrollment paperwork that even I can't get (as his wife) without a power of attorney. BM's brother & sister in law were both in the military. SIL was a lieutenant and with her MOS, she has access to it. I was PISSED (for lack of a better word)! BM was never married to DH. Also, mine & my son's name & information are under my DH. If someone gave her his confidential info, they also could have given her mine. Not to mention, it is against the law and is punishable with jail time. DH knew that it was wrong but he brushed it off. He did not want to get HER into trouble since she is his child's mom. I was like, you aren't getting her into trouble...She is getting into trouble. But, it takes a lot of nerve for her to fax the information as though she was ENTITLED to it. Most sane people get the info without letting the other know that they have it. No, Psycho wanted to brag about it. I think THAT deserved a harsher reaction than, "Oh well."

[shortydo]

I feel you tellit.
i mean i really tried to give BM#2 the benefit of the doubt. I allowed her to come into my life. i didn't ask to be in her's. Everytime i open the door she finds a way for me to slam it right back in her face. Right before my brother in law babyshower she e-mail me (which seem odd) asking me what my plans were for the weekend...huh? so at the end of the message she say well i'll be @ the shower but late. my first reaction was to laugh but after thinking long and hard about it i realize that this broad got some serious issues. Why ? Some i'm thinking that maybe she has a real solid relationship with my DH brother and wife. well that was not the case b/c when she show up it was like oh YOUR here hey...But she fail to realize time and time again that one i m a lady and i represent myself to the fullest every where i go so i spoke and left it that. two, your dealing with a real women who has been through a struggle so i see right through you. "GAME RECONGINZE GAME" all day. I don't need you in my life actually i wish i didn't have the pleasure of meeting you. Tellit what is us Riderz to do??? After reading every one imput on the situation i've decided that i will not allow BM#2 to use me as an outlet . she needs to grow up and get her life in order before she can ever reach out to me. as far as my SD goes she knows where we stand. i am blessed to have her in my life

[nomoredrama]

I had to cut BM #2 off. I was dealing with her since my DH has been deployed for the past year but now that he is back....It is on him to handle it. BM is rude and nasty. I can't stand it. I try to handle the situation like a christian but she truly tests me. Sometimes I just want to go off on her.

I told BM #2 three years ago to stop contacting me. She was emailing me and then blind carbon copying my DH. Actually, she was blind carbon copying both of us. Why? We live together and we discuss things. Did she not think that we were going to figure it out?! Then, she was also lying and/or twisting about what I said. I finally told her to contact my DH exclusively since he was her BD. He is my DH and if there is something that I need to know, he will bring it to my attention. I just decided not to play her game.

I can truly understand WHY DH does not deal with her. She is a lot to take. She is pushy and demanding. She talks like we are SUPPOSED to do things for her. But, she doesn't make it easy for us to see the child (which is why we have only seen her once in 6 years). BM had nerve enough to tell me that she is NOT sending her child anywhere without her. She doesn't trust her child around ANYBODY, etc.

So essentially she was saying that she did not trust her child's father & I with her child. We have had visitation with the child at our house many times before she left the CONUS. The child stayed with us FREQUENTLY from the age of 1 years old through 7 years old with no problems (until she left the CONUS). Now that the child is a teenager, BM wants to try to play a guilt trip on my DH because he hasn't BEEN THERE. It is kind of hard to be a father to a child who is not even in the continental US. NOW she realizes that dad needs to be the one to take her on her 1st date, etc. Just how is he supposed to do that? Is he supposed to fly to her house to take her? I mean, come on, she went to a state outside of the US. We don't know anyone there except she & SD. She has failed to realize that she has caused the distance between father & daughter, not him.

[shortydo]

right.. see my DH was up on her BS.
ok she drop SD off so me being who i am i welcome SD, made sure she ate, took her bath etc...well after about 10 min of being in our home SD started to shake and cry stating that she was afraid... AFRAID of what was the questions..but i understood that she hasn't seem dad in a while but come on. He is the same person. I've never heard of my DH hurting any of his children so i knew she was told other. so my DH call BM#2 and ask her in front of my SD why is she acting this way. Well BM totally flip out , studdering and all that. I actually thought it was kind of comical to hear her explain herself.. now in your case your SD is older so when she get's tired of her mom madness she will reach out to you and dad.(sooner than later) Children always find a way to get both sides of a story then decide from that point who they want to be with. In my case i have three daughter. they live with my ex or should i say his parents, after i left he wanted nothing to do with them but won't let me have them "Female move" .( Now this man is a complete mess). He has abused me evey way possible even tried to turn my children away from me. when i decided to jump out on faith i choose not to bring my children with me, only b/c i didn't know where i would end up ( God is good, he has carried me this whole time, he only knows what type of pain i feel being away from them) but i am truly bless with a wonderful man & i will be d**n if i let BM#1 or #2 come in between us......

[gemmani]

At first my fiance was wary of my opinions regarding his kids. I explained to him that bratty kids are one of my pet peeves, but what pisses me off MORE is when the parent lets it happen. I told him that I like them, but that its up to HIM to mold them right. Ever since then, no problems. Actually, he usually goes with my advice/ opinions b/c he sees that its not coming from an evil place. I had also told him in the begining, when BM was still able to manipulate him, that no female will put up with this nonsense for long at all. That if he wanted a successful relationship, BM had to be put in her place. Its already difficult dealing with sometimes coming second to the kids, but I'll be d**ned if I come second to some other female in my own relationship. He got the point quickly, and there's been no problems since.

[sbimiss]

Luckily my bf and I stand together about his two daughters from two different mothers. I am fortunate that he had the same train of thought about them both before I came into the picture. In regards to his children, he expects me to parent them as their mothers would. I don't of course. I am nurturing, compassionate, and caring as a mother would be but I leave the serious discipling to him. I feel that my tactics in aiding the raising of his children include more of a respectful elderly role. I lecture them and try to instill good morals in them and they are appreciative that they have someone they can confide in. I was fortunate to have an instant connection with both of his girls. I met them both when they were very young. I think that kids have a special sense when they are at that age. They connect well with people that they feel only mean well. When it comes to the BMs....he has always tried to keep communication to a minimal. He was never in a relationship with either of them other than the few sexual encountes that lead to pregnancy. He communicated through a third party and when I came back into the picture this was ok with me. I realized in time that when BM#2 was calling for stupid nonsense it was because she was up to no good. Since she has never been the primary caretaker of her daughter since the child was born, my bf never spoke with her about things. He always communicated with BM's mother who has been caring for his daughter...this is where his daughter lives not where the BM lives. So, her contacting him was completely out of line. I still to this day don't understand what is her problem. If she never communicated with him before why now when I came to be and it's not like it was for anything good, it was always something pertaining to the daughter but it came with a nasty attitude as they have never been on good terms after the daughter was born? We changed our numbers and to this day she does not have the number nor does he speak with her. We haven't had a problem since. She does however speak negatively about me and my bf to their daughter. His daughter is 4 yrs. old and she openly speaks about what her mother says about us. She told her that I was a stupid a** b**** and that she was never letting her go with her father because he may never bring her back home. What the heck is she so revved up about? I dont have the slightest clue. I dont understand to this day, why she is sooo bitter and I def. don't understand why she has a problem with me if I've never done a thing to her. To make matters worse...she has been in a serious relationship with her bf through the majority of this time and before I came back into the picture.

[nomoredrama]

Sbmiss, some people are so miserable that the only joy they get are making other people's lives miserable. There is probably nothing that you have done to the BM. She is not happy with herself so she has made you her focus. And, her focus on you is probably the reason why she is still in a "serious relationship" with her boyfriend and not married to him. He can probably sense that she is too wrapped up in her BD & your lives.

[memyslfni]

Hey sbmiss, did you temporarily remove yourself from the situation at one point because I noticed you said you were back in the picture? I'm just wondering because thats something I have seriously given thought to. Just until bf gets things situated with bm because I feel he needs to make sure he is completely over her in order to continue with what we got goin..He tells me that he doesnt feel for her in that way but my womanly instincts tell me there are still old feelings in the air...

[sbimiss]

My bf and I have been on an 8 yr. run. I left for about three years primarily because of age and experience. I wanted to experience other relationships, focus on school, and career. During that time, I disconnected myself from him emotionally but he remained persistent. We were friends and saw eachother out around town and at nightclubs. Shortly after I left, the BM became pregnant. He asked for abortion because they were not in a relationship. She took the money and never got the abortion. I finally decided when his daughter was 2 that I was ready to continue the relationship with him. In a matter of months we moved in together and have been having a normal and healthy relationship other than the BMD ever since. That was 2 1/2 yrs. ago and his daughter is now 4. We only saw drastic results when we changed our numbers and cut off all contact with her. She was not able to call every so often with rants about her daughter that didn't live with her in the first place. Now we have been experiencing issues when picking up the child. She will almost always give us a hassle and the child will confide in us by telling us all the negative things she says about us. More in particular about me. We recently had her for a little less than a week and now that she is back with her grandmother, the grandmother has expressed that his daughter has been very touchy and has a bad attitude about everything since she came home. I take great offense to this because I am afraid they suspect me to be doing something wrong. I am afraid that next they will say that they don't want her going anywhere with us because of me. I do my best to care for her hand and foot. So, this is the potential problem I now face. I think that it takes a very strong woman to deal with BMD. It comes in so many forms and from all angles. If you are contemplating taking a step back until things settle I would suggest deciding against it. It is best to show your loyalty to him. Listen to what your man is telling you. BM's have their own manipulative ways of discrediting those closest to you. The two of you are a team. Fight with him not against him. I have fought time and time again with my bf about this issue but I always come to realize that we can not control the actions of others. Some BMs seem to find their way to interfere with your instincts. She's just clouding your judgement.

[sbimiss]

I would also like to add that when him and I got together in the beginning, BM#1 was about 2-3 months pregnant. BM#1 has never given me an ounce of trouble. She has always said that he was never there for her. We work together for the sake of her daughter. Her daughter is 7yrs. old and she always tells me that her mother knows that if her mom and I were not friends that it would hurt her. Can you say sensible? SD is more than right. As the children get older they don't need their parents and step parents fighting with each other. They are more susceptible to the negative effects of it at a later age.

[youknowwhatitis]

Question....say BM throws a birthday party for her and DH child and invites your kids not YOU.......DH is responsible for bringing them? They are in her home.....with there father? Under her roof? Be honest how would you feel? That's the same way she probably feels?

[youknowwhatitis]

Tellit your BM has something personal against you!!! She's taking it out on BD but my gut is telling me it has much more to do with U then with BD.